Donald Glover posted his script for his Deadpool series and I said out loud that I could make a better one so
Deadpool: DON’T LET DONALD GLOVER WRITE ABOUT ME
Domino: Haha what?
Deadpool wakes up in a black military jeep adorned with dominos
Deadpool: Oh, man, I had a dream Childish Gambino was going to do a show about me and the season finale was me finding a rhino in Africa.
Domino: That’s weird.
Deadpool: Right? I just went viral for saying nigga on twitch, so that’s a no go.
Domino: So you’re just going to say it around me?
Deadpool kisses his teeth but you can’t even see that shit
Deadpool: Ah, that’s right. You’re black now. Here’s a question: why isn’t there a white panther?
Domino swerves into oncoming traffic and back, causing Deadpool to hit his head on the window.
Deadpool: Jeez, where was this when Earn wouldn’t dance with you?
Domino: What are you ever talking about?
Deadpool: You’d know if you listened to my podcast. Where are we going, anyway? I remembered until you decided to do your little Brandy impression.
Domino: Well, dickpool, we are hunting a Rhino, but he’s a criminal with a supersuit.
Deadpool: Crikey! The most dangerous animal known to man: angry fat guys.
Domino: White guys
Deadpool: Eh, if you can die. I just care about my food, ya feel me? Ya figgadeel me? On the real real?
Domino pulls out a handgun and shoots Deadpool in his left leg
Deadpool: HUCKABEE-SANDERS, THAT WILL NEVER NOT STING
Domino: We’re here now so heal faster.
Deadpool: I just want you to know we all wanted Tessa Thompson for this role.
Domino and Deadpool get out of the jeep, Deadpool massaging his leg in a sensual manner. They begin their cool action hero walk towards a large brick building.
Deadpool: Alright, where’s the big cuddly muscletitty?
Domino: He’s in there. There’s vibranium in a safe and he’s trying to get to it.
Deadpool: I heard vibranium is the reason black doesn’t crack.
Domino ignores Deadpool and continues walking. They can hear booms coming from inside.
Deadpool: Ah, fuckbuddies. I don’t do well with rotating doors.
Domino: Are you serious, dude?
Deadpool: They rotate! Doors are supposed to open and close? How is this not weird to you?
Domino gives Deadpool the most fed up look she can muster before walking through the door. Deadpool yells behind her.
Deadpool: This is a form of oppression! You should know that now, new Domino!
Domino walks into the building to see security guards tending to fallen comrades. She walks towards the closest pair, one man sitting and the other watching over him as if he could die at any moment.
Domino: You guys okay?
Security Guy 1: Well, my friend was stabbed in the stomach with a horn, but Roseanne is back, so we’re doing fine.
Domino: You’re excited about that?
Security Guy 1: I was being sarcastic. I was mentioning two very horrible things.
Deadpool: First off, Roseanne’s laugh is iconic.
Deadpool proceeds to do a horrifyingly accurate imitation of Roseanne’s laugh. Domino shudders.
Domino: So the rotating doors weren’t that bad, huh?
Deadpool: Not at all.
The rotating doors are destroyed. This guy sliced them up.
Security Guy: Not to be rude but we’re fucking dying? A giant animal man is trying to steal our valuable minerals and, I don’t know if you can tell, but we were no match.
Deadpool: I don’t think you can relate to a fear of rotating doors, so I will forgive your tone. Now, Shantay, you stay.
The conversation ends with Deadpool walking towards the back of the bank-like building and Domino following
Deadpool: So, quick question: Isn’t this Spider-Man’s problem? There’s like 50 of them now. Where’s Peter?
Domino: In the middle of a lyft drop off.
Deadpool: Miles Morales? El Negro de Tarantulito?
Domino: In South Carolina visiting family.
Deadpool: Spider-Gwen? Venom? The Peter Parker clone that wore a red unitard and a sleeveless tee? Doc Ock in Peter Parker’s body? Andrew Garfield?
Domino: Look, god damn it, they’re paying us good money so shut up.
Deadpool: Stormy Daniels hush money good or stealing from Howard University good?
Deadpool: Ooh, I can’t wait to get my mink.
The duo gets in an elevator and Domino briefly deals with Deadpool whistling Freddy’s Dead. When they exit the elevator, they can clearly see Rhino pacing in front of a large, shiny black door in frustration
Rhino: Which one of these pussies have the key?
Deadpool: I do. You gonna let me unlock those drawers? 😉
Rhino: What? Deadpool? And Misty Knight?
Domino: Haha wow, you fucki-
Deadpool: This is Domino now.
Rhino: I thought Domino was, you know. . . lighter than that.
Deadpool: Nope. We’ll all be black soon, which I don’t mind. I can finally do the shoot dance.
Deadpool tries to shoot and it looks like Ross from Friends is trying to do it.
Domino: Could you just leave?
Rhino: No can do, sweetcheeks. Daddy needs a new costume.
Deadpool: Really? I feel like this one is pretty good compared to the one with the buttcheeks. Remember that one? Boy, it must be jam because jelly don’t shake li-
Rhino charges directly towards Deadpool. Domino dives out the way while Deadpool flips onto his shoulders.
Deadpool: You are so predictable. You’re, like, Grammy winner predictable.
Rhino: Get off of me!
Deadpool: Daddy so mean to me ☹
Domino watches with grenade launching assault rifle in hand as Deadpool rides Rhino like a rodeo horse.
Rhino: Get him off me! He’s hard!
Deadpool leans down to Rhino’s ear
Deadpool: It’s the vibrations and thinking about the buttcheek suit. I’m sorry.
Deadpool begins hugging Rhino’s head like a sleepy toddler on his dad’s back.
Rhyno: I cant– Goddamn it!
Rhino suddenly jumps almost 30 feet in the air before slamming down on his back. We are greeted with the image of Deadpool laying like a sleeping baby when Rhino gets up. Rhino goes to stomp him, but Domino shoots a grenade that causes him to stumble and fall backwards.
Domino: You can start being helpful now, fuckface.
Deadpool opens one eye
Deadpool: Being the supreme comedic relief is actually helping a lot, Angela Davis.
Deadpool suddenly flips into a standing position just in time for Rhino to stand up.
Deadpool: Boy, where’s Okoye when you need her, huh? She’s the sexiest milk dud I’ve ever seen. No offense.
Domino: None . . . taken?
Deadpool: I was talking to old steelbutt over here. He knows he’s my rhino crush Wednesday.
Rhino charges towards Deadpool but Domino fires a grenade. The Rhino raises both hands and runs through the explosion. When he brings his hand down, he realizes Deadpool is nowhere to be found. He’s on Rhino’s butt.
Deadpool: This is way softer than I expected. Ima call you Amara La Rhino.
Rhino: I quit. I don’t even want the vibranium. This is very uncomfortable.
Domino lowers her gun
Domino: Wait, what?
Rhyno: Can you get off me, dude? This is weird. Other guys beat me up but I just feel gross now.
Deadpool gasps and falls off of Rhyno’s butt.
Deadpool: Wait, Stormy Daniels gross or the chick that told on Aziz Ansari gross?
Rhino: I’m going to see my therapist.
Rhyno walks towards the elevator
Domino: Holy shit. You made a supervillain tap out from sexual harassment.
Deadpool: Ironic, because I was trying to tap that out 🙄
The next day, at Deadpool and Blind Al’s apartment. . .
Blind Al: Get your nasty ass in here. You on the news.
Deadpool: I actually washed it this week, but nice try. Wait, what?
Newslady: It seems that the #MeToo movement will be including known bad guys. Aleksei Sytsevich, also known as the Rhino, will be pursuing litigation against the self-proclaimed “Beyonce of R rated comic book films”, Deadpool. He had a press conference where Terry Crews, an actor that was also assaulted, provided comfort.
Deadpool: Terry Crews? That traitor!
Aleksei: I don’t lead this life to be bad, ya know? I hadn’t realized how this was all a macho front until I was aggressively harassed. I vow to lead a better life and dedicate it to keeping creeps like Deadpool off the streets.
Terry Crews: Superhero, supervillain, it doesn’t matter. No one, and I mean no one, deserves to feel how Aleksei was made to feel yesterday.
Terry Crews pat Rhino’s shoulder as he looks like he’s about to cry
Deadpool: Oh, come on. He was asking for it. Have you seen those gray tights he used to wear?
Blind Al: Nigga, I’m blind.
Deadpool: Well, damn, you ain’t gotta come at a nigga like that.