Wholetimethough it’s Deadpool

Donald Glover posted his script for his Deadpool series and I said out loud that I could make a better one so

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Deadpool: DON’T LET DONALD GLOVER WRITE ABOUT ME

Domino: Haha what?

Deadpool wakes up in a black military jeep adorned with dominos

Deadpool: Oh, man, I had a dream Childish Gambino was going to do a show about me and the season finale was me finding a rhino in Africa.

Domino: That’s weird.

Deadpool: Right? I just went viral for saying nigga on twitch, so that’s a no go.

Domino: So you’re just going to say it around me?

Deadpool kisses his teeth but you can’t even see that shit

Deadpool: Ah, that’s right. You’re black now. Here’s a question: why isn’t there a white panther?

Domino swerves into oncoming traffic and back, causing Deadpool to hit his head on the window.

Deadpool: Jeez, where was this when Earn wouldn’t dance with you?

Domino: What are you ever talking about?

Deadpool: You’d know if you listened to my podcast. Where are we going, anyway? I remembered until you decided to do your little Brandy impression.

Domino: Well, dickpool, we are hunting a Rhino, but he’s a criminal with a supersuit.

Deadpool: Crikey! The most dangerous animal known to man: angry fat guys.

Domino: White guys

Deadpool: Eh, if you can die. I just care about my food, ya feel me? Ya figgadeel me? On the real real?

Domino pulls out a handgun and shoots Deadpool in his left leg

Deadpool: HUCKABEE-SANDERS, THAT WILL NEVER NOT STING

Domino: We’re here now so heal faster.

Deadpool: I just want you to know we all wanted Tessa Thompson for this role.

Domino and Deadpool get out of the jeep, Deadpool massaging his leg in a sensual manner. They begin their cool action hero walk towards a large brick building.

Deadpool: Alright, where’s the big cuddly muscletitty?

Domino: He’s in there. There’s vibranium in a safe and he’s trying to get to it.

Deadpool: I heard vibranium is the reason black doesn’t crack.

Domino ignores Deadpool and continues walking. They can hear booms coming from inside.

Deadpool: Ah, fuckbuddies. I don’t do well with rotating doors.

Domino: Are you serious, dude?

Deadpool: They rotate! Doors are supposed to open and close? How is this not weird to you?

Domino gives Deadpool the most fed up look she can muster before walking through the door. Deadpool yells behind her.

Deadpool: This is a form of oppression! You should know that now, new Domino!

Domino walks into the building to see security guards tending to fallen comrades. She walks towards the closest pair, one man sitting and the other watching over him as if he could die at any moment.

Domino: You guys okay?

Security Guy 1: Well, my friend was stabbed in the stomach with a horn, but Roseanne is back, so we’re doing fine.

Domino: You’re excited about that?

Security Guy 1: I was being sarcastic. I was mentioning two very horrible things.

Domino: Ah

Deadpool: First off, Roseanne’s laugh is iconic.

Deadpool proceeds to do a horrifyingly accurate imitation of Roseanne’s laugh. Domino shudders.

Domino: So the rotating doors weren’t that bad, huh?

Deadpool: Not at all.

The rotating doors are destroyed. This guy sliced them up.

Security Guy: Not to be rude but we’re fucking dying? A giant animal man is trying to steal our valuable minerals and, I don’t know if you can tell, but we were no match.

Deadpool: I don’t think you can relate to a fear of rotating doors, so I will forgive your tone. Now, Shantay, you stay.

The conversation ends with Deadpool walking towards the back of the bank-like building and Domino following

Deadpool: So, quick question: Isn’t this Spider-Man’s problem? There’s like 50 of them now. Where’s Peter?

Domino: In the middle of a lyft drop off.

Deadpool: Miles Morales? El Negro de Tarantulito?

Domino: In South Carolina visiting family.

Deadpool: Spider-Gwen? Venom? The Peter Parker clone that wore a red unitard and a sleeveless tee? Doc Ock in Peter Parker’s body? Andrew Garfield?

Domino: Look, god damn it, they’re paying us good money so shut up.

Deadpool: Stormy Daniels hush money good or stealing from Howard University good?

Domino: Howard.

Deadpool: Ooh, I can’t wait to get my mink.

The duo gets in an elevator and Domino briefly deals with Deadpool whistling Freddy’s Dead. When they exit the elevator, they can clearly see Rhino pacing in front of a large, shiny black door in frustration

Rhino: Which one of these pussies have the key?

Deadpool: I do. You gonna let me unlock those drawers? 😉

Rhino: What? Deadpool? And Misty Knight?

Domino: Haha wow, you fucki-

Deadpool: This is Domino now.

Rhino: I thought Domino was, you know. . . lighter than that.

Deadpool: Nope. We’ll all be black soon, which I don’t mind. I can finally do the shoot dance.

Deadpool tries to shoot and it looks like Ross from Friends is trying to do it.

Domino: Could you just leave?

Rhino: No can do, sweetcheeks. Daddy needs a new costume.

Deadpool: Really? I feel like this one is pretty good compared to the one with the buttcheeks. Remember that one? Boy, it must be jam because jelly don’t shake li-

Rhino charges directly towards Deadpool. Domino dives out the way while Deadpool flips onto his shoulders.

Deadpool: You are so predictable. You’re, like, Grammy winner predictable.

Rhino: Get off of me!

Deadpool: Daddy so mean to me â˜č

Domino watches with grenade launching assault rifle in hand as Deadpool rides Rhino like a rodeo horse.

Rhino: Get him off me! He’s hard!

Deadpool leans down to Rhino’s ear

Deadpool: It’s the vibrations and thinking about the buttcheek suit. I’m sorry.

Deadpool begins hugging Rhino’s head like a sleepy toddler on his dad’s back.

Rhyno: I cant– Goddamn it!

Rhino suddenly jumps almost 30 feet in the air before slamming down on his back. We are greeted with the image of Deadpool laying like a sleeping baby when Rhino gets up. Rhino goes to stomp him, but Domino shoots a grenade that causes him to stumble and fall backwards.

Domino: You can start being helpful now, fuckface.

Deadpool opens one eye

Deadpool: Being the supreme comedic relief is actually helping a lot, Angela Davis.

Deadpool suddenly flips into a standing position just in time for Rhino to stand up.

Deadpool: Boy, where’s Okoye when you need her, huh? She’s the sexiest milk dud I’ve ever seen. No offense.

Domino: None . . . taken?

Deadpool: I was talking to old steelbutt over here. He knows he’s my rhino crush Wednesday.

Rhino charges towards Deadpool but Domino fires a grenade. The Rhino raises both hands and runs through the explosion. When he brings his hand down, he realizes Deadpool is nowhere to be found. He’s on Rhino’s butt.

Deadpool: This is way softer than I expected. Ima call you Amara La Rhino.

Rhino: I quit. I don’t even want the vibranium. This is very uncomfortable.

Domino lowers her gun

Domino: Wait, what?

Rhyno: Can you get off me, dude? This is weird. Other guys beat me up but I just feel gross now.

Deadpool gasps and falls off of Rhyno’s butt.

Deadpool: Wait, Stormy Daniels gross or the chick that told on Aziz Ansari gross?

Rhino: I’m going to see my therapist.

Rhyno walks towards the elevator

Domino: Holy shit. You made a supervillain tap out from sexual harassment.

Deadpool: Ironic, because I was trying to tap that out 🙄

The next day, at Deadpool and Blind Al’s apartment. . .

Blind Al: Get your nasty ass in here. You on the news.

Deadpool: I actually washed it this week, but nice try. Wait, what?

Newslady: It seems that the #MeToo movement will be including known bad guys. Aleksei Sytsevich, also known as the Rhino, will be pursuing litigation against the self-proclaimed “Beyonce of R rated comic book films”, Deadpool. He had a press conference where Terry Crews, an actor that was also assaulted, provided comfort.

Deadpool: Terry Crews? That traitor!

Aleksei: I don’t lead this life to be bad, ya know? I hadn’t realized how this was all a macho front until I was aggressively harassed. I vow to lead a better life and dedicate it to keeping creeps like Deadpool off the streets.

Terry Crews: Superhero, supervillain, it doesn’t matter. No one, and I mean no one, deserves to feel how Aleksei was made to feel yesterday.

Terry Crews pat Rhino’s shoulder as he looks like he’s about to cry

Deadpool: Oh, come on. He was asking for it. Have you seen those gray tights he used to wear?

Blind Al: Nigga, I’m blind.

Deadpool: Well, damn, you ain’t gotta come at a nigga like that.

Ended

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Wholetimethough it’s Black Panther

So I decided to write a Black Panther story because why not

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*T’Challa and Nakiya sit at a table for two in a stylish East Wakandan restaurant called “the Jade Gazelle”. The establishment has a glow thanks to vibranium infused lighting that vibrates various hues of green. The former couple could finally find peace at home after what could count as a political world tour. Nakiya raised support for her community outreach center as T’Challa hopped countries to strengthen Wakandan relations.

A week after announcing that Wakanda would be more active globally, the city had become abuzz with rumors and conspiracies. T’Challa had to shut down a small radius around the restaurant to keep away bloggers and nosy citizens.*

Nakiya: I think I will haaaaave theeeeeee-

T’Challa: Oh my goodness.

Nakiya: You hush.

T’Challa: You always get the jollof rice. Just get the jollof.

Nakiya: Not this time. I dont really like Wakandan jollof anymore.

T’Challa: Why do you say this?

Nakiya: I like the Ghanian more now.

T’Challa: Yuck, Nakia. That is nasty and also treason. I should have you arrested.

Nakiya: And who is going to arrest me? Everyone likes me more than you.

T’Challa: Now that is a lie.

Nakiya: This isn’t America, T’Challa. We all know you here.

*T’Challa pretends to throw his menu at Nakiya as she uses her’s as a shield and giggles behind it*

Waiter: . . .

T’Challa: Oh, pardon our immaturity.

Nakiya: Your immaturity.

*T’Challa shoots her a look*

T’Challa: I’d like the beef suya with jollof rice, please.

Nakiya: And I will have the sriracha ndolé with plantains.

Waiter: And your drink?

T’Challa: I will just have water.

Nakiya: Can you make me a drink that is half lemonade and half black tea? And a few spoons of cane sugar, please?

Waiter: You mean an Arnold Palmer?

T’Challa: Shuri said they are called “half and halfs”. Arnold Palmer does not have as much sugar apparently.

Waiter: These American drinks are very confusing. There is one where they just mix the poisonous sodas. It is dreadful.

T’Challa: Indeed.

*Nakiya gives a perturbed look to the waiter*

Nakiya: That is our order.

Waiter: Yes, of course.

*the waiter leaves and walks through a vibranium infused wall that forms a small hole for entry*.

T’Challa: ughck, sriracha ndolĂ©.

Nakia: Your tastebuds are very unrefined, king.

T’Challa: So

*T’Challa leans forward*

T’Challa: I hear that you went to Xavier’s institute.

Nakiya: Yes.

T’Challa: How was it?

Nakiya: It was interesting. Professor Xavier is a charming man. He did not read my mind once.

T’Challa: That you know of.

Nakiya: and you would know all about reading minds?

T’Challa: You have the jokes. And what did Xavier say?

Nakiya: That he fully supports your idea and had wondered when Wakanda would take interest in America. He’s very aware of the civil rights issues taking place there and has been allowing his students to help how they see fit.

Nakiya: He introduced me to a woman who will be bringing kids to the center. I believe her name was Ororo.

T’Challa: You mean Storm.

*Nakiya raises an eyebrow*

Nakiya: You’re a fan?

T’Challa: . . . You could say.

Nakiya: She seems like your type.

T’Challa: You think every black woman is my type.

Nakiya: Because every black woman is your type.

T’Challa: You make me sound promiscuous.

*the waiter comes back to the table and places their drinks*

Waiter: Your water and Arnold Half and Half.

T’Challa: Thank you.

Nakiya: Thanks.

*Nakiya sips her drink*

Nakiya: That is. . . Not what I thought it would be.

Waiter: Forgive us for following your recipe.

Nakiya: Can you just bring more sugar out? Thank you.

Waiter: What is this ‘thank you’ before the deed is done nonsense? You spies, you leave Wakanda and come back without your manners.

Waiter: Pardon my candor.

Nakiya: It is pardoned.

Nakiya: My sugar, though.

Waiter: Yes, of course

*the waiter leaves to get sugar while Nakiya takes another sip*

T’Challa: The waiter is right, you know. You act like Beyonce ever since the Killmonger coup.

Nakiya: I took one interview with the Daily Bugle and all of you call me Beyonce. Did she even accept your invitation to the palace yet?

T’Challa: No, actually. It is perplexing.

*Okoye, general of the Dora Milaje, walks into the restaurant and stands beside T’Challa and Nakiya’s table*

Okoye: King T’Challa, M’Baku of the Jabari tribe has come to speak with you.

T’Challa: Intoni?

Okoye: *sigh* M’Baku is upset with yo and I knew you would deem it unkind to kill him where he stands.

T’Challa: Yes. He is a member of the council after all.

Okoye: And he can be removed violently. He is arrogant to be the first of his kind in the Wakandan Royal Council.

Nakiya: Perhaps being first is what makes him arrogant.

T’Challa: No. He is just what Shuri calls a “douchebag”.

Okoye: A what?

T’Challa: A– it is irrelevant. You may let him in.

Okoye: he brought 20 men and his spawn.

T’Challa: Bast strengthen me. Let them all in.

T’Challa: You would’ve killed him in front of his children?

Okoye: And smiled.

*Okoye leaves to inform M’Baku that his audience with the king will be allowed. As Okoye leaves, the waiter walks back in with their food.*

Waiter: Here you are, king and misguided spy girl.

Nakiya: Hm.

T’Challa: So, Just so you know, we will be having guests.

Waiter: That is more coin for me and my family so I have no complaints, my king.

*Two Jabari men walk into the building and turn to face each other a few feet ahead of the door. M’Baku proceeds to walk in with three children. Two girls that seem to be tall 12 years old and a small boy that could be 5 or 7. The girls had matching cornrows and the boy had a hairstyle much like his father’s. They look around suspiciously as if something could be planning to attack them.*

Waiter: Jabari!? My king–

T’Challa: I assure you your establishment will be safe. You will be reimbursed any financial inconveniences plus more.

Nakiya: This shall be interesting.

*the waiter leaves as M’Baku walks towards T’Challa and Nakiya’s table.*

M’Baku: Kitten King.

T’Challa: Prince of Primates.

M’Baku: Nakiya.

Nakiya: M’Baku.

T’Challa: Shall I have them bring you chairs?

M’Baku: That is unnecessary.

*A Jabari appears suddenly with a chair to fit M’Baku’s size. M’Baku sits down and his children take their places on his lap; the two girls on one side and the boy on the other. The kids look at T’Challa with contempt.*

Nakiya: Your children are lovely.

M’Baku: Don’t talk about my children.

Nakiya: Eh?

M’Baku: I kid. They are adorable aren’t they? These are the twins, M’Badu and M’Buda, and our future king, M’Baka.

M’Baku: Say hi to the ingrates.

M’Badu & M’Buda: Hi.

M’Baka: *grunts*

Nakiya: Hello.

T’Challa: Hello. I am surprised you only have 3.

M’Baku: Well I was not bringing all 17. Have you tried controlling 17 children at once? I’d rather fight you with my arms behind my back.

M’Baku: I hope I did not interrupt a precious, romantic afternoon. I’ve been staying in this city waiting to meet with you over your actions.

T’Challa: My actions?

M’Baku: I’m glad you repeated what I said like an imbecile. You see, I come from the mountain of my people and one of the first things I see is a memorial to traitors. Regardless of your emotions, N’Jobu and his son have both brought great danger to Wakanda. Shall you make a memorial to the man who killed your father, also? Oh, wait, he is alive and frolics here amongst the children!

M’Baku: And if forgiving the pale demon wasn’t enough, I hear upon my arrival that you will be sharing Wakandan secrets with colonizer governments?

T’Challa: You make these things sound quite negative.

M’Baku: Kolo, they are negative, ah!

M’Baka: Kolo!

M’Baku: Until your colonizer sympathizer father received Bast’s blessing, Wakanda was peaceful.

Nakiya: Not to interrupt you, but there have been an average of 4 coup attempts a year since 1736.

M’Baku: Ehhhh? And you are statistician O?

T’Challa: So you have once again come from your mountain just to disrespect the Black Panthers?

M’Baku: I have yet to meet a Black Panther worthy of respect, so it is my prerogative.

M’Baku: Do not forget that your mother and your ex-girlfriend–

*M’Baku points at Nakiya. M’Badu and M’Buda giggle.*

M’Baku: –Her. Right there. Came crying to me with a colorless American and begged me to save your kingdom. I could have left your body to become a statue of despair on my lands. I could have done my rightful duty and taken control of Wakanda. But Hanumon spoke to me and he told me that saving you was the best thing to do. Giving you to your mommy was the best thing to do.

M’Baku: And still, I had to come and save you and your gang of bald headed spearmistresses from a half Wakandan. The words make my mouth taste like foul dung.

T’Challa: Are you done?

T’Challa: Are you done?

M’Baku: Hahahaha. My children, you see, I said this to him when he had a tender moment with a white man. His use of the words against me show an insecurity only fitting of a man who inherits the Black Panther mask.

*T’Challa stands up from his seat and activates his Black Panther armor. Soon as the chair hits the floor, Okoye walks into the restaurant. Both Jabari guards reach for her but she ducks and twirls her spear, knocking them both unconscious with the blunt end. M’Baku looks at T’Challa with a look of amusement as Okoye puts the sharp end of her spear behind his neck.

M’Badu and M’Buda suddenly jump over their father’s shoulders and grab Okoye’s spear. Okoye tries to take it back but she finds that the strength of the two young women matches a full grown Jabari man*

Nakiya takes a bite of her sriracha ndolĂ©. She’s been eating the whole time*

Nakiya: T’Challa. Sit down please.

M’Baku: Why bother? You know that cats do not listen.

T’Challa: I say we finish this now.

M’Baku: Are you sure? I’m feeling much more confident knowing that you let a foreigner emasculate you in front of your family.

Nakiya: This is why–would you like some?

M’Baku: Is that cow? No no no no no.

M’Baka: No no.

T’Challa: Seriously, Nakiya?

Nakiya: This is why we have council meetings. So that men like you don’t decide to get in your testosterone and fight in public.

M’Baku: It is sexist that you left the monk woman out of your blame.

Nakiya: Okoye, could you not fight the children.

Okoye: Make them let go of my spear

M’Badu & M’Buda: You started it.

*M’Badu and M’Buda release Okoye’s spear and take fighting stances. Okoye looks as if she can’t ascertain their seriousness.*

M’Baku: Well? Are you going to pounce at me or are we done?

T’Challa: You just came here to yell at me?

M’Baku: Yes, basically.

M’Baku: The mother of 4 of my children claims that venting is healthy. I could not wait until the gathering of the council to tell you what a bad job you are doing. I would hope you will heed my disappointment before announcing a soccer team or a resort for white people to safely fetishize us.

M’Baku: Being that it is not challenge day, my favorite holiday, I see no reason to beat the panther’s spirit from your flesh. I will see you at the next council meeting T’Challa.

*T’Challa powers down his costume*

T’Challa: That is like 2 hours from now.

M’Baku: Yes. I look forward to airing my grievances to equally embarrassed Wakandans of high status.

*M’Baku puts his son down and stands up*

M’Baku: You can keep the chair. It is a gift.

M’Baka: Be grateful.

*M’Baku and his children walk past Okoye and towards the door. M’Badu and M’Buda kick the guards until they wake up. Once the bodyguards gathered their senses, they walked out of the door and M’Baku followed*

Nakiya: Being a good king is not easy.

T’Challa: You know, there are people that think I should build a vibranium wall blocking Jabari Mountain.

Nakiya: T’Challa!

T’Challa: I wouldn’t do that, of course. I mentioned it to Shuri and she called me “Trumpchalla”.

Nakiya: That is your new name.

T’Challa: Oh, goodness.

Okoye: I must say, M’Baku’s daughters are impressive. They would make excellent Dora Milaje.

Nakiya: They were so fast.

Okoye: Weren’t they? They grabbed my spear before I realized they were there. They actually startled me hahahaha.

T’Challa: I didn’t even get to eat my food.

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The Lemons Part 37

ARCHIVES

 

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*Lisa Lopez leads Prince, David Bowie and George Michael through the lobby of a skyscraper that seemed to be made of diamond-powdered granite. Since they landed in this strange realm, they noticed that it had a dream-like quality. It was like a thin coat of vaseline was over their eyes. Prince tried endlessly to wipe his cornea to no avail.

 

The great bards of the 80s walked past Brittany Murphy sitting at a desk. She smiled and waved and they all waved back. Lisa led them to an elevator that opened automatically. David noticed that there were no buttons for it. The same could be said for the interior, a box of eggshell covered chrome with what looked like kitten fur for a carpet. Prince knelt down and felt it*

 

Prince: What is this?

 

Lisa: Wyvern fur.

 

Prince: Whatvern?

 

Lisa: You don’t know what a wyvern is?

 

*Lisa pulled out her phone and pressed it a few times before showing Prince a picture of some sort of dragon serpent. He chuckled.*

 

Prince: No, seriously.

 

Lisa: I am serious! Thats mine and his name is Dr. Sebi.

 

Lisa: How you fall out the sky and don’t know shit but wanna tell me I’m not serious about basic wildlife?

 

David: George, get off the floor

 

George: But it’s like god’s hair.

 

David: I guess you might as well. We don’t feel any when we get back.

 

Lisa: Back where, though?

 

David: Back to E-

 

Lisa: It doesn’t matter. You can tell the Principal for this region.

 

*the elevator opens and they walk off into a hallway where the floors are water and the walls are flowing clouds. The ceilings were off-white. The earthlings assumed it was glass but no, the water simply flowed under their feet, pushing fish along the current.*

 

George: I don’t want to leave.

 

*George turns to David and Prince*

 

George: Let’s die.

 

Prince: Boy, if you don’t

 

*The men follow Lisa to a door that seems to be diamond and pearl simultaneously. She knocks and opens the door*

 

Lisa: Principal? I brought the anomalies.

 

*David, George and Prince walked into the office and see pearlescent walls. The windows show a gorgeous, vibrant seashore. They immediately recognize the woman at the desk.*

 

Prince: Nippy?

 

David: Oh wow

 

George: Oh my.

 

Whitney Houston: What? Who is Nippy?

 

Prince: This is…

 

David: This is interesting

 

Whitney: Stop talking about me like I’M weird. You weird! You fell out the sky! Come in here talking about “interesting” and “nipples” and shit. Y’all weird.

 

Prince: You really don’t remember us?

 

Whitney: From walking in my office sounding dumb? Yes, I remember that.

 

Lisa: They asked me the same thing. They think they’re special or something.

 

Whitney: Falling out the sky and surviving does make you special. Just not “come in my office like you didn’t just fall out the sky” special.

 

Prince: Oh, god, Whitney.

 

Whitney: Stop knowing my first name. Looking like a pretty girl. All y’all pretty. Tell me about yourselves. Why y’all here? Y’all angels or something?

 

David: Us?

 

Whitney: You.

 

George: Ahem, yes. We fell here.

 

*Whitney looks at George like he pointed out something she already knew. Which he did. She already knew that.*

 

Whitney: Fell from?

 

David: Um. . . Earth?

 

Whitney: This is Earth

 

David: Ahh, I thought so

 

Whitney: Thought you fell on the place you fell from?

 

Prince: Can we get a minute?

 

Whitney: Nope.

 

George: So, Whitney, we came from another earth to find the afterlife for some bad people.

 

Whitney: Another Earth? Like in comic books?

 

Whitney: You sound dumb as hell.

 

*Lisa looks at her cellphone and then looks to Region Principal Whitney*

 

Lisa: Principal, there’s been another officer disappearance.

 

Whitney: Oh, this is perfect. Right when some effeminate angels fall out the sky in front of everyone. Who is it?

 

 

 

*Lil Mama crouched behind an island in the Kardashian-West kitchen before exagerratedly looking around. Once the area was assessed, she dove behind a leather couch. Her phone vibrates and she presses a button on an old nigga Bluetooth headset on her ear.*

 

Lil Mama: Lil Femme Nikita

 

Ava: lol what.

 

Lil Mama: It’s my codename.

 

Ava: That’s nice. Where ya ass at?

 

Lil Mama: The falcon has landed in the nest.

 

Ava: In what nest?

 

Lil Mama: the condor’s nest.

 

Ava: Yo, ima need you to chill this shit out and speak in layman’s terms for me.

 

Lil Mama: I’m. . . I’m in Kanye’s house.

 

Ava: Why? Them niggas left.

 

Lil Mama: What?

 

Ava: Them niggas left. They got in a van together and left. Nobody there.

 

Kim: EEEEEEK! BURGLAR!

 

*Kim Kardashian-West stumbles backwards into the hallway she came out of*

 

Lil Mama: Oh, shit!

 

Ava: Hahahahahaaha. Vi, Kim Kardashian there an-

 

*Lil Mama runs toward the hallway but is greeted by Kim Kardashian holding a shotgun when she reaches the corner*

 

Lil Mama: Whoa!

 

*Niatia ducks and dives past Kim just as she lets off a buckshot that knocks chunks off of a wall corner.*

 

Ava: Oh, shit, I think Kim just killed her ass.

 

Lil Mama: I’m alive.

 

Ava: She alive, Vi! Get back in the car!

 

*Lil Mama scrambles to the door to the studio and dives in. Kim follows with gun in hand like Elmer Fudd*

 

Kim: NOT THIS TIME. NOT THIS FUCKING TIME.

 

Kim: GOD DAMN IT.

 

*Kim kicks the door to the studio down just to see it empty. She slowly aims the shotgun around like she’s in call of duty or some shit.*

 

Kim: Come oooouuuut. I’m gonna put you in the tub this time.

 

*Viola Davis’ voice rings from the foyer of the house.*

 

Viola: Niatia! Niatia!

 

*Kim lowers her gun and turns around*

 

Kim: Annalise?

 

*Lil Mama pounces from the shadows and grabs the shotgun with both hands. The women spin around and the gun goes off, shattering the window of the recording booth. Kim releases her grip and Lil Mama snatches the firearm away.*

 

Lil Mama: I’M NOT A BURGLAR

 

Kim: Then who are you?

 

Lil Mama: You know what

 

*Lil Mama turns the gun on Kim but Viola snatches it away*

 

Viola: Are you on meth?

 

Lil Mama: No

 

Viola: Then act like it.

 

Kim: You’re the lady from the Help. Why are you here?

 

Viola: You know what

 

*Lil Mama snatches the gun from Viola*

 

Lil Mama: Are YOU on meth?

 

*Viola looks at her as if she realized she lost control of herself*

 

Viola: Okay, let’s just go.

 

Kim: Wait!

 

*Kim crosses her legs on the floor and begins sobbing*

 

Kim: I don’t *sob* wanna be here alone. I hated being robbed. I dont like having to use guns. I don’t see how hood niggas do it.

 

Viola: Beg your Armenian pardon?

 

Kim: Its okay, Kanye said I can say it since I’m his wife.

 

Lil Mama: Well, if Kanye s–

 

Viola: No! No, god damn it.

 

Kim: You’re in my house.

 

*Viola reaches for the shotty but Lil Mama moves well out of her reach*

 

Viola: Indeed. I had no intention of keeping her company anyway. Let’s go, Niatia.

 

Lil Mama: See ya. Wouldn’t wanna be ya.

 

*Viola walks out of the studio only to be accosted by cameras and three kardashians*

 

Viola: What the fu-

 

Kris Jenner: Hi, Viola! Did you come by to see what Kanye is cooking up? I heard it’s dope. The opps are gonna hate it!

 

Kris: Is that my dad’s shotgun in your daughter’s hand?

 

Viola: Don’t record me, please, or I’ll have to take a percentage of your perfume sales.

 

Lil Mama: Im not her daughter.

 

Lil Mama: That would be cool, though.

 

Khloe: Nice to meet you, Lil Mama, I’m Khloe.

 

Lil Mama: Hi, I’m Lil Ma– wait, what?

 

Kourtney: What the hell happened in here?

 

*Kourtney runs over to a shaken Kim*

 

Khloe: Are you kidding me? “My lipgloss is popping, my lipgloss is cool”

 

Lil Mama: Wooooow, I haven’t heard that in someone else’s voice in years.

 

Khloe: You should be part of my posse, then you’d hear it all the time.

 

Lil Mama: I don’t know, last time I heard that I got shorted on a reunion tour. . .

 

*Kourtney comes out of the studio and grabs Viola’s hand without permission*

 

Kourtney: Wow, Viola, you’re a hero. My sister says you saved her from masked burglars.

 

Viola: No I didn’t. I mean–

 

Kris: This has to be in the show. How much do you want?

 

Viola: You know I’m rich already?

 

Kris: But you’re not wealthy, sweetie. Here.

 

*Kris pulls a pen and paper out of a Dolce bag and scribbles something down before handing it to Viola*

 

*Viola looks at the paper and looks at Kris and looks at the paper again*

 

Viola: This is serious?

 

Kris: Is that too low?

 

*Kris gingerly takes the paper back and scribbles something else before handing it back*

 

*Viola looks at the paper and then back at Kris*

 

Viola: . . . The burglars have to be Mexicans.

 

Kris: Deal.

 

 

*Beyonce paces back in forth in her living apartment as Jay plays patty cake with Blue on a couch*

 

 

Blue: Daddy, you said Hov means god, right?

 

Jay: Yup.

 

Blue: So that makes me a god, too, right?

 

Jay: A goddess.

 

Blue: I said god.

 

Bey: She said god.

 

Jay: I see.

 

Bey: Where is that coke breathing nincompoop with the provisions?

 

Jay: it’s funny you bring up that he has a coke habit but you depending on him.

 

Bey: Aren’t cokeheads dependable?

 

Jay: You thinking of crackheads. And that’s only if you give them money or crack.

 

Blue: Daddy, you messed me up.

 

Jay: My fault.

 

Bey: Naomi is with him. It shouldn’t be taking this long.

 

*The tune of ‘if I were a boy’ rings throughout the house*

 

Bey: I’ll answer it. I don’t feel like waiting.

 

*Beyonce practically floats out of the room right before her Samsung Acomplis wakes up and broadcasts a hologram like star wars*

 

Naomi420: Where is our queen, Hatshepsut Reborn? It is urgent.

 

Jay: You mean Beyonce?

 

Naomi420: DON’T BE CHEEKY NIGGA YALL NEED TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!

 

Jay: Why?

 

Naomi420: Everybody is in danger! Warner Bros just used a secret weapon that Bruno said wouldn’t be ready.

 

Jay: What weapon?

 

 

 

*Beyonce walks down the staircase humming “if I were a boy”. She remembers that she didn’t grab a katana, but thinks better of it. Her hand touches the doorknob and she gets an odd feeling in her gut. Beyonce brushes the feeling off and opens the door.*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Aaliyah punches Beyonce in the face*

 

The Lemons Part 36

ARCHIVES

************************************

 

*Bruno Mars sits on a couch in BeyoncĂ©’s living room between Slaybell and Naomi420 as BeyoncĂ© paces back and forth while holding the twins. Jay Z uses his phone for grown man shit while Solange watches her sister*
Bey: So they’re holding Prince where?
Bruno: Its like a secret missile silo for inhumane experiments. They take music real seriously.
Bruno: Last I heard, they were cloning dead people for some big concert.
Bey: That’s dumb. A zombie concert?
Bruno: Could you imagine how long that would be trending? Shit, I’d pay good good money to see Marvin Gaye’s corpse sing.
Bruno: Condo-in-Manhattan money.
Bey: Please dont reference your songs in front of me.
Solo: How high is the security? Are we talking regular jail or, like, Avengers?
Bruno: Avengers. Are you kidding me? They’re cloning dead people.
Bey: No problem.
Bruno: Yes, problem. You can’t just teleport in and out and kill everybody. They have electromagnetic force fields and other science fiction shit all over the place.
Bey: Then we’ll have to fight those tropes with another trope.
Bey: You will bring us uniforms.
Bruno: Uhhhh
Bey: What, do they know you’re a traitorous, bitch ass nigga already?
Bruno: No, you meanie.
Bruno: But I can’t just waltz in and out with WB uniforms.
Bey: Then do the salsa, nigga, I don’t care. You wanted to help, now help.

Bruno: This what you gotta put up with every day, huh, Jay?
Bey: He doesn’t have to put up with this.
*Slaybell begins twisting Bruno’s ear.*
Bruno: Okay, yeeowch.
Bey: We’re going to free you and let you get what we need. If we find out you’re not getting what we need, I’m chopping off whatever you need.
Bruno: Not my hair, though!
Bey: Okay, that then.
Bey: Naomi, I want you to watch him since Slaybell thinks he’s so funny.
Slaybell: But my Queen–
Bey: Hush. Your presence is more useful to me at this time.
Slaybell: Yes, Supreme Lioness of Texas.
*Bruno stands up and Naomi stands up a split second after. BeyoncĂ© gets in Bruno’s face and squints.*
Bey: Nigga, if you double-cross me, I’m turning you into diced pineapples.
Bruno: I promise I won’t. Being on BeyoncĂ©’s bad side isn’t gonna help me now that I’m R&B.
Bruno: You should look up some better Polynesian stereotypes, though.
Bey: If you don’t hula your ass out my house and get those motherfucking uniforms, b.
*Bruno blows Slaybell a kiss before Naomi jumps on his back. Bruno leaves like he planned on her doing that shit.*
*Beyoncé turns on Jay Z, just to see him laughing at something on his phone. She spits on the phone and her husband wipes it off like its a raindrop*
Bey: So you had nothing to add? You chilling?
Jay: I’m chilling.
Bey: Yo, killing you would actually be a detriment to my career right now.
Jay: I’m glad you realize that.
*Beyoncé kisses him on the forehead*
Bey: Mommy, soon as Bruno gets back, I’ll need you to keep Blue for me.
Mama T: And the twins?
Bey: No, they’re coming with me.
Jay: No.
Bey: I’m not leaving my babies.
Jay: Then I’m coming.
Bey: Oh my God. You’ll be in my way.
Jay:
Jay: The twins won’t be?
Bey: Why would they be?
Jay: I
Jay:
Jay: Are you trolling me?

*BeyoncĂ©’s iPhoner walks into the room and displays “Aretha” on the screen it calls a face.*
Bey: I’ll get back to you saying I look like a troll.
*Bey presses the iPhoner’s screen*

Bey: Hi, Aretha.
Aretha: Hey, baby. How are you?
Bey: I’m fine. Are you about to ask me for help with something?
Aretha: I sure am.
Bey: Aretha, I’m in the middle of an emergency. Also, I just had my babies.
Aretha: You know I know that mess. That’s actually what I need help with.
Bey: … My babies?
Aretha: No, my babies.
Bey: Juventud and the tiger?
Aretha: No, heffer, my children im about to have.
Bey: What.
Aretha: Juventud got me pregnant.
Bey: No he didn’t.
Aretha: Yeah he did. He nut in me and gave me triplets.
Bey: Why, though.

Aretha: Cuz I’m looking all good with my slim waist.
Aretha: I want you to host my baby shower.
Bey: No, why did you get pregnant?
Aretha: No, mind your fucking business. Just come make jokes about me being old and giving birth.
Bey: *siiiiiiiiiigh* When is it?
Aretha: This weekend.
Aretha: I’m not paying you.
Bey: I don’t care, Aretha. I really have shit to do.
Bey: Solange can do it.
Solange: Nah, nigga.
Aretha: Solange too high for me. I want you to do it.
Bey: I assure you that what I need to do can’t wait.
Solo: What does “too high for me” mean?
Aretha: Fine. I’ll get Rihanna to do it.
Bey: Sweet.
*Beyoncé turns the iPhoneR around pushes it out of the room*
Solo: I thought she’d didn’t fuck with Rihanna like that. I think she’s bluffing.
Bey: I don’t care. I’m going upstairs to sleep. I haven’t had a chance to rest since I had these babies.
Solo: I’ll take them.
*Solange goes to Rumi but Beyoncé spins around, moving the baby away as her sister stumbles after her.*
Bey: No, the babies sleep when I do. You can focus on being relevant.
Solo: Thank you, bitch.
Bey: Shawn, I’m going to sleep.
Jay: Holla holla holla.
Bey: Come with me.
Jay: But, baby… I’m being relevant, too…
Bey: This is what I get when I ask my husband and father of my children to lay with me?
*a single diamond rolls down BeyoncĂ©’s cheek*
Jay: I’m… I’m coming.

*Steve Harvey, Dave Chappelle and Nate Parker walk into Kanye and Kim’s home as Kim Kardashian closes the door behind them. Steve Harvey puts his hands on his hips and admires the living room.*
Steve: Boy, this some old Jetsons stuff y’all got going on in here. He gon mess around be in debt again.

Kim: lol no we’re fine. He’s in the back in the studio.
*Steve and his compatriots follow Kim through the kitchen and into their living room where a black door stands out on a white wall. Kim opens the door a little and peeks inside. Whatever she’s saying is muffled by the music coming from inside and then the music stops.*
Kim: Kanye says you guys can come in.
*Kim opens the door all the way and Steve walks in cautiously like it’s a project hallway. Dave strolls right in behind Steve and Nate looks around suspiciously*
*Kanye is at the mixing board behind Rick Rubin, nodding his head with a look of deep thought on his face. He turns around and lights up at the sight of Dave Chappelle.*
Kanye: Aw, man, where you been at, Dave?

Dave: Same place you been, nigga. Hiding from black people ever since I said something nice about Trump.

Dave: I’m assuming you talked to the BrotherFather.

Kanye: Of course. We had been speaking ever since I put him in the famous video. We talked about some important stuff, man. He’s so wise.
*Kanye looks at the other two men*
Kanye: Steve. Nate Robinson.
*Steve shakes Kanye’s hand and still looks at him like a nigga he doesn’t think highly of. Nate Parker gets a tight grip on Kanye’s hand and says*
Nate: Its Nate Parker, nigga.
*Everyone looks at Nate Parker like he said he licks feet*
Nate: Ha… Ha ha ha. My nigga.
Dave: What you in here working on, man? I’m trying to hear some of that hot fire.
Kanye: Oh, yeah yeah. Wait, here’s some of my new joint. It’s called “On Me”. I got Future to jump on it with me.

*Kanye turns to Rick Rubin and gives him a nod. Rick returns the nod and presses a button on the boards. The main guitar riff of “War Pigs” by Black Sabbath quietly starts the song, heavily distorted with slight reverb. As the song gets louder, Kanye’s vocals come in.*
Kanye: THESE NIGGAS LAME I SHOULDA STUCK WITH DAME

Kanye: Know I’m a real nigga cuz I use my real name.

Kanye: yeah, my pink polos kept the Roc a float

Kanye: before me, hey, they didn’t know a rock could float

Kanye: Unh, they didn’t think that I could rock a show.

Kanye: wearing backpacks, Louis V and proper clothes.

Kanye: We getting higher than a rocket go.

Kanye: This coat don’t come out til April but I’ma rock it tho.

Kanye: Woo, if it’s fresh it’s on me.

Kanye: That ass fat, then this dress is on me.

Kanye: She said “Ye, can you get it for me?” haanh?

Kanye:… I guess that neck wasn’t for free

Future: You zimi rolling woo dat muddy oanme yeah

Future: Deezbitches fuggin yeah da nats be oanme yeah

Future: I’m flossinwitdarollie shining oanme

Future: I got dat stick you see me hoalit oanme
*Kanye starts rocking out as the instrumental plays. Rick Rubin nods his head like the song quiet as shit.*
Dave: Awww, nigga, this is tough.

Nate: I like the part about buying hoes stuff.

Steve: I didn’t understand nothing… And I mean nothing… That other dude said.

Nate: Future not for niggas with mustaches like yours.
*Steve’s head jerks back slightly at the appalling comment*
Dave: Did you have to diss Jay, though, man ?

Kanye: He came at me first. Besides, all I said was niggas is lame and I shoulda stuck with Dame.

Steve: I don’t know, man. He out here preaching financial wellness for the black man and you talking about free head.

Steve: If you wasn’t paying for pussy, maybe he wouldn’t have had to give you money and expose you for it. But don’t listen to me, I’m just loved AND respected.

Kanye: Steve, you don’t even know what you’re talking about, fam. Where did you even come from?

Dave: Look, man, the BrotherFather ain’t send us here to talk you out of beefing with Hov. We need help with  some shit. Some shit of utmost seriousness.

Kanye: Y’all paying?

Steve: … Wut?

Kanye: Are you paying for my help?

Kanye: I’m not free until I’m free.

Nate: I hear that.

Steve: You niggas about to– Look, man. You close to BeyoncĂ©, okay? Bill Cosby–

Nate: BrotherFather.
*Steve clasps his hands in front of his face*
Steve: We all know he Bill Cosby, Nate. I’m not about to call this man a brotherfather all day. He Bill Cosby. He made Fat Albert, okay? He eat pudding, dog. He drug people. He Bill Cosby.

Steve: As I was saying, Bill Cosby
*Steve looks at Nate*
Steve: want us to hurt feminism or whatever and you close to Beyoncé. He want you to trap her or something.

Kanye: She hasn’t talked to me in like 2 years, fam. And I’m not about to set up the mother of my godchildren.

Steve: She know they your godchildren?

Steve: Like, I ain’t even seen you near the girl.

Kanye: If I didn’t owe the BrotherFather, I wouldn’t be entertaining this.

Dave: Wait, that’s it! Kids!

Dave: Kidnap her kids. It’s classic villain shit.

Nate: We’d never get close enough.

Dave: Hm, if only one of us had a show where kids came on and said dumb shit.
*Everyone looks at Steve*
Steve: Hell nah

 
*OKAY MOVE ALONG*

The Lemons Part 35

 

 

ARCHIVES

 

 

*********************************

 

*Lil Mama lays under a bush in a small garden across from the National Brotherhood Coalition in a ghillie suit. She looks through a set of comically large binoculars before feeling a vibration under her chest. She goes down her suit and pulls out an iPhone.*
Lil Mama: Hey, Vi.
Viola: Naitia, are you still at the building Steve went in?
Lil Mama: Yup. One of those fancy vans just pulled up.
Viola: Okay, we’re on our way.
Lil Mama: We?
Viola: I’m with Ava.
Lil Mama: I thought she wasn’t helping?
Viola: Ava asked if you knew where “T no L C” is.
Lil Mama: I really don’t.
Viola: I told you she didn’t know
Viola: We’ll be there shortly. Update us if you see movement.

Lil Mama: I got you.
*Just as Lil Mama puts the phone down, Steve Harvey, Nate Parker and Dave Chappelle walk out of the building and towards the van. Lil Mama goes for her her phone but stops short and reconsiders. She begins to wrestle herself out of the ghillie suit and slides out of it, donning a black catsuit. She jumps up, dusts herself off and runs to the van. She hears the door close and jumps on the back just as it begins to pull off.*
*Lil Mama pulls out her phone and calls Viola*
Viola: Is he moving?
Lil Mama: Yeah. I’m on the van. He got in with Dave Chappelle and the Nat Turner movie dude.
Viola: Nat Turner mo-
Viola: Wait, you’re what?
Lil Mama: I’m on the back of the van.
Viola: Wow. Ava, she jumped on the van.
*Ava laughs in the background*
Viola: Okay. Why?
Lil Mama: Taking initiative. Plus this is good experience for “When Love Kills: the Falicia Blakely Story”
Viola: The what?
Viola: Um, just, uh just send us your location when you stop. I don’t think you should be using the phone while you’re on a moving vehicle.
Lil Mama: But I can multi-task. I’m multi-talented.
Viola: I know you are, baby. Goodbye.
*Viola hangs up the phone*
Ava: She putting us to shame.
Viola: You didn’t even wanna do this shut up
Ava: Where is the animosity coming from?
*Viola sucks her teeth*
Viola: Steve Harvey is with Nate Parker and Dave Chappelle.
Ava: Nate Parker, huh. I had a feeling he was an undercover brother.
Viola: What?
Ava: Its a bathhouse, right? They was in there grabbing dick, right?
Viola: Oh. Oh, that. I was lying. I don’t know what’s in there.
Ava: Woooooooooooooooow let me out.
Viola: No.
Viola: You aren’t the slightest bit curious as to why those are the first two men Steve sees when Donald Trump let’s him out of jail?
Ava: Moreso when I thought he was bicurious.
Ava: Vi. I have award winning documentaries to make.
Viola: What if Nate Parker really on the DL? That doesn’t interest you?
Ava: He a rapist, I don’t care.
Ava: I’m only gonna come because I need to hinder as many male directors as possible.
Viola: I knew that pettiness was in there somewhere.
Ava: Its business. Black male actors? Great. Telling fine black men what to do is overlit. Black male directors? Dickheads. Pompous and usually misogynist.
Ava: Ima take all those niggas jobs.

*Solange paces back in forth in the living room of BeyoncĂ©’s palace before hearing her sister come through the door. Mama T and Blue come into the living room as BeyoncĂ© follows, still chastising her husband.*
Bey: And you didn’t even mention that time you had Memphis Beek sleep in the bed and pretend to be you. You just all “I apologize, I got a daughter now”. Nigga, fuck you.
Bey: And then– Solange, remember that nigga made Memphis Beek sleep in the bed and pretend to be him?
Solange: That shit was insulting.
Bey: I shoulda put my pussy right on his face, too. Like “shmap”.
*Jay walks in to the living room, attempting to maintain his dignity*
Jay: So we gonna act like you innocent? What about Slim Th-
Bey: Our child is in here. You want to argue like this in front of our baby?
Jay: Woooooooo-
Bey: Mom, can you take Blue to the garden.
Jay: – ooooooow. So so so so when I make a point, we just not gonna talk about it?
Bey: We have to find Prince.
Solo: Why you being a jerk, Shawn?
Mama T: Nigga made one song and start acting like he made sacrifices. Lose a baby first.

*Mama T goes to pick up Blue*
Mama T: Come on, baby. Let’s go
Blue: To the studio?
Mama T: What?
Blue: I have an album to record.
Mama T: Ha ha ha if you don’t take your ass in that backyard.
*Jay watches Mama T and Blue leave the living room*
Jay: This why I needed a son. I finally get one and god like “here’s an extra girl, though”.
Bey: What’s one more woman to disappoint though, Shawn?
Jay: I told you I was writing the song though. I told you what I was gonna bring up.
Bey: Nigga, I thought each topic was a song.
Bey: “how I cheated”, “my wife’s grief and distaste for my presence”, “I’m changing for my daughter”. If you putting our business out, do it properly.
Bey: Oh my god, are you making this a single?
Jay: I mean
Bey: I have to push my album up now. Thanks a lot, Jaybo.
Bey: Thanks.
Jay: Your fans should be happy.
Bey: Dont talk about what makes the Hive happy.
*Solange plucks BeyoncĂ©’s ear*
Solo: Where have you been? I called all of your futuristic weird ass phones.
Bey: Madonna was trying to kill me. She dead, though. Slaybell has her head actually.
Bey: I’m putting it with Aaliyah’s.
Solo: I knew you were going to bring that up. You just never not bring it up.
Bey: Its my favorite trophy.
*Jay claps his hands together loudly*
Jay: So… How we gonna find Prince?
*Beyoncé walks over to Jay Z and claps her hands in his face very loudly*
Bey: Dont clap at me, nigga. You wait for my request for you to request attention.
Bey: Now, first…
Bey: We gotta take pictures of me and these babies.
*BeyoncĂ© (who has been holding the twins the whole time) walks into a door next to the kitchen and walks out onto a balcony in New Zealand. She turns around and is wearing, like, a… You saw the picture*
Bey: Okay, take the picture from right there.
*Solange turns the phone sideways and snaps the pic. Beyoncé immediately walks back into the house*
Bey: Send that to me so I can send it to UhOhUhOhUhOhNuhNoNo and she can post it on instagram.

Solo: Okie.
*BeyoncĂ© walks back to the living room and puts the twins in Jay’s arms*
Bey: Now, where were we?
Jay: We–
Bey: I know where we were. The question was rhetorical.

*the front door bursts open and Slaybell and Naomi420 come in. Slaybell has Bruno Mars in a sleeper hold.*
Bey: What is this?
Slaybell: We caught him outside looking at the house and acting like a Memphis pimp.
Bruno: Hawaiian. You ain’t never seen Hawaiian pimping before.
Bey: Naomi, slap his face.
*Naomi slaps Bruno Mars in the face*
Bruno: That’s it? You act like you haven’t held me hostage before.
Bey: Why are you here?
Bruno: I want to help you. Ima changed man, look at the range, ma’am. I’m not even armed.
Bey: You’re still Warner Bros.
Bruno: Im trying to get out of there I’m trying to go to Island Def Jam or LaFace or something.

Bey: So you go from Elvis Presley to Bobby Brown and I’m supposed to just trust you?
Bruno: You want me to snort a couple lines?
Slaybell: *snickers*
*Beyoncé looks at her immediately*
Slaybell: I’m sorry.
Bey: Yes. I want you to snort some cocaine. Get him some cocaine.
Bruno: I have some already.
Bey: I change my mind. Slaybell, take his coke and flush it.
Bruno: Aw, what.
*Bruno looks annoyed as Slaybell runs his pockets and finds his baggies*
Bey: You’ll be clean in my presence if you’re going to help me get Prince back.
Bruno: The whole time?
Bey: The whole time, Moana.

*Lil Mama feels the van slow down and promptly crawls on top of it. The vehicle stops at the bottom of the driveway to a mansion out of a modern design magazine. She hears the side doors of the van open and then close after a few seconds. Voices begin speaking in hushed tones beneath her.*
Steve: So Bill Cosby really been talking to this weirdo? The boy got issues.
Nate: First off, it’s the BrotherFather. Second, we all have issues, Steve. It’s just about making sure they’re harmless.
Dave: How’d that work out for you?

Nate: Nigga, fuck you. I’ll snap your fucking neck, on God.
Steve: Can y’all chill out! God damn, y’all grown ass men! Out here carrying on like some teenagers.
*Steve Harvey walks away grumbling and the other two men follow him. The van begins moving and Lil Mama braces herself before doing a somersault into a sizable bush. She peeks her head out and pulls out binoculars. Through the lenses she can see the three men approach the door, Steve in front. Lil Mama pulls out her phone with her free hand and calls Viola*
*Ava and Viola sit in the parking lot of In N Out burger, passing each other fries and drinks. Viola answers her phone and finishes chewing her burger before answering.*
Viola: Yesh.
Viola: A mansion? A mansion where?
Viola: Uh huh.
Ava: Where she at?
Viola: Shh.
Viola: Wait, who opened the door?
Viola: Get the fuck out of here.
Viola: Stay in the bushes. We’re on the way.
*Viola hangs up the phone and takes another bite of her burger. Ava reaches in Viola’s bag and takes some fries.*
Ava: So what happened?

Viola: You ate your fries too fast.

Ava: Ha.
*a piece of fry flies out of Ava’s mouth. She grabs her medium drink out of the cup holder and begins sipping*
Viola: Oh, yeah, Lil Mama said Kim Kardashian opened the door. They’re at Kanye West’s house.
*Ava spits out her drink.*

 
*HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA*

The Lemons Part 34

*************************************************************************************

*Matthew Knowles chuckles nervously as he looks between the two mech-armor clad black women that previously guarded his daughter. BeyoncĂ© watches from her husband’s side, approximately 15 yards away*

 

Matt: So I guess black girl magic is out and black girl technology is in, huh?

Bey: I should slap the shit out you. Shawn, is this your fault?

Jay: Nope. Uh, how did you find us, pops?

Matt: Let’s just say me and TMZ have a mutually beneficial relationship.

Matt: So. Lemme see them.

Bey: No, nigga.

Bey: Stop trying to come near my kids.

Jay: Right now might not be the best ti-

Bey: Stop listening to the rapper. Listen to me.

Bey: No.

Bey: Subdue him please.

 

*BeyoncĂ©’s armored security proceeds to shoot nets on to Matthew Knowles. The nets begin electrocuting him.*

 

Matt: AH CRAP

Jay: WHOA AY. WHOA WHOA.

Bey: *laughter*

Bey: Come on, husband.

 

*Beyoncé turns around and damn near walks directly into Katy Perry*

 

Katy: Hi! Oh my God, are these the twins?

Bey: No.

Katy:… These aren’t babies?

 

*Beyoncé turns around and walks towards her father, who is flat on his stomach and breathing heavily under a blanket of metallic mesh*

 

*BeyoncĂ© crouches in front of her father. Her upper body hasn’t moved this whole time. She was holding the babies. The whole time.*

 

Bey: You have something to do with this.

Matt: Katy … She called me… She wants to save her career.

Bey: It was fine before she started pandering. What does this have to do with me?

Katy: Hey! What’s up?

 

*Katy begins prancing towards Beyoncé and her father*

 

*One of BeyoncĂ©’s Iron Woman bodyguards walks past BeyoncĂ© and mushes Katy Perry’s face. Katy walks backwards to avoid falling but falls anyway.*

 

Matt: If you let her take a selfie with the babies, it would be a good look.

 

*Matt pushes himself up on to his hands and knees*

 

Bey: Do the electrocution shit again.

 

*The armored guard that didn’t push Katy Perry presses a button on her wrist. The net lets out a hiss and a snap and Matt lays back down*

 

Matt: Okay, okay. I got you.

Bey: Tell her to talk to Deray again. I am leaving.

Matt: But she’s caught in that infinite loop of trying to prove she’s not racist. Your babies are strong enough to get her out.

Bey: Suck my whole nuts, daddy.

 

*Beyoncé turns and walks away from Matthew. Katy Perry extends a hand for Beyoncé to help her up, but Beyoncé moves around it like it was begging for money*

 

Katy: That’s right, you’re holding babies. Right.

 

Bey: Shawn, we’re going to regroup and figure out how to get Michael and Prince.

Jay: Okay, but I want you to hear something.

Bey: What could I possibly want to hear right now? I’ve been holding babies for like twenty minutes.

Bey: Play it in the car.

Jay: Sure.

 

*BeyoncĂ© walks over to her mama’s Benz and gets in the back. Jay follows suit. Mama T begins walking to the drive side door with her phone to her ear*

 

Mama T: No, Solange, she didn’t help Katy Perry up. She didn’t even help Michelle up that one time. We about to leave. You gonna meet us at the house?

Mama T: Aight, bye.

 

*Mama T gets into the car as Blue Ivy gets in next to her daddy*

 

Bey:… So?

Jay: Just give me a second.

 

*Jay presses his phone a few times and connects to the stereo via bluetooth. The song “4:44” begins and Jay gives Blue her headphones as Mama T drives off*

 

*Jay occasionally looks at Beyoncé as he nods his head and mouths a few of the lines. A tear comes out of his eye as the sample fades and the song ends*

 

Bey: *stares straight ahead*

Jay: …

Bey: Thank you.

Jay: You’re welcome. You’re always welcome.

Bey: Where’s the rest of the album?

Jay: Its done. This is just the song I wanted you to hear first.

Bey: Is the rest of the album about me?

Jay: I mean, in a way

Bey: In what way? Like every song is an apology?

Jay: Nah. But I really poured my heart out, for real, B. I woke up at 4 in the–

Bey: Nigga– hold on–

 

*BeyoncĂ© turns to the right and hands the twins to herself. She adjusts herself so that she’s on one knee and begins pointing a finger in Jay’s face.*

 

Bey: Nigga, I made a whole fucking album about what you did to me. You give me a 3 minute song!? I wanna fight.

Jay: Let’s not.

Bey: Dog, you fucked on hoes with my love on you.

Jay:

Bey: Yo, I cried in the studio over your dumb ass.

Bey: Nigga, oh my god, I coulda whooped Keri Hilson ass, my nigga.

Jay: I–

Bey: Put them paws on her, homie. Washed her ass.

Jay: Baby, we’re healing. You expressed yourself and I expressed myself.

Bey: Yo, how you gonna apologize to all the bitches you hurt on a song in front of the world when I’m your wife, nigga? Let’s fight.

Jay: How you not gonna respect me going public with this? You know how many women are going to look down on me?

Bey: YOU KNOW HOW MANY WOMEN LOOK DOWN ON ME ON THE REGULAR?

Bey: SO WHAT? COMING OUT OF THE AIN’T SHIT NIGGA CLOSET GONNA SLOW YOUR PUSSY INTAKE?

Jay: In front of Blue, though?

Bey: In front of?

 

*Jay looks down at Blue Ivy just to see her watching someone play minecraft on her tablet, headphones loud as shit.*

 

Jay: Baby, what did I tell-

Bey: Look at me.

Bey: You’ve become arrogant. I forgive you for your infidelity, I handle it with as much poise as I can and you give me a half-assed rap song.

Jay: Half-assed? Yo, I don’t think you know how much hurt I put in this song. I cried–

Bey: HA HA HA SO? You niggas, y’all cry and say “I’m sorry” and think that’s a salve for being trash. It’s insulting, my nigga. You were only on beat like 4 times.

Bey: Put your album out. I don’t care.

Jay:

Bey: Ima fuck somebody.

Jay: Ha, okay.

 

*Bey receives the twins back from herself*

 

Bey: Thank you.

Bey: I appreciate your 2,523rd to 2,34th apology, Shawn, but I’m sure your fans that cheat regularly will more.

Jay: Who you gonna fuck?

 

*Beyoncé exits the car. Jay looks around like he just realized where he was*

 

Jay: Yo. You not gonna fuck nobody.

 

*Jay sees the three generations of Knowles walk towards the house without him and hurries out of the vehicle*

 

 

*Ava Duvernay walks out of the skyscraper of movie meetings and kinda sees Viola Davis sitting in her car mean-mugging her. Ava puts her shades down and walks down the street.*

 

*Ava walks faster as she hears heels clicking behind her, but she knows she can’t outrun Viola in heels. They stole some drawers out of Idris Elba house once and Viola beat her to the car.*

 

Viola: Look at you, about to start sweating and shit.

Ava: I don’t sweat, bitch. I self-moisturize.

Viola: And where you going so fast? Responsibility still gonna meet you there.

Ava: No its not. I don’t want closure with responsibilities neither. This is a break up.

Ava: That nigga that look like Tupac need a new movie role and his agent pitching a Poetic Justice remake. I told them niggas “only if Zendaya playing Janet”.

Ava: You know, you the only person that don’t let me get what I want. If I didn’t swear off white friends, I swear to Gahd.

Viola: You’d probably be involved in something weirder.

Ava: Fam, I’m pretty sure it’s hella ghosts flying around but you only concerned about Bernie Mac’s.

Viola: Because we caused this, remember?

Viola: Did a bunch of drugs? Had a seance? Kirk Franklin floated around my house?

Ava: Oh, we doing 3 sentence crazy stories?

Ava: Vampire gloves. Ginuwine look-alike. 2005.

Viola: What would make you see reason and help take care of this?

Ava: Hmmmm.

Ava: Money.

Viola: I’m anonymously leaking your sex tape.

Ava: Pah! One, no the fuck you not. Two, it’s not a sex tape. It’s a kink demonstration. If you really want to put Tyrese getting fisted on Bossip, then by all means.

Ava: I can see the headlines now. “Is Tyrese getting his illiterate cakes smashed to smithereens by a strong, black woman?”

Ava: Yes. Yes he is.

Ava: Do you even know where Steve Harvey is? We still gotta get Beyoncé a gift for her babies.

Viola: Is that really more important than exorcising a malevolent spirit?

Ava: Beyoncé just had twins. Do you hear yourself?

Viola: No, I just hear a grown ass woman avoiding the consequences of her actions like a teenager.

Ava: The nigga not even malevolent! Give them a video vixen and they set for life.

Ava: Can you please stop making me walk so fast?

Viola: This is fast to you?

 

*Ava stops and slumps over in defeat*

 

Ava: Fine. You know where Steve Harvey is?

Viola: No, but Lil Mama does.

Ava: What?

Viola: Lil Mama has been following Steve since he-who-shan’t-be-named got him out of the precinct.

Viola: He’s at a strip mall museum.

Ava: Sounds like a secret bathhouse.

Ava: Bernie like bussy?

Viola:… Yup.

Ava: The fuck outta here. I’m in.

 

 

 

*George, David and Prince lay in a disjointed triangle in the middle of a public park, still wearing their captivity pajamas. George slowly opens his eyes and pushes himself up so that he’s leaning on his elbows. The first thing he notices is the sky having waaaay more stars in it then usual, especially for what looks like sunset. The stars seemed to slowly sway and dance in a greenish blue sea that was faded behind the warm orange of the evening sky*

 

Prince: Huh. The sky reminds me of a dream I had.

 

*George looks over to see Prince still laying on his back with his hands behind his head*

 

George: On vacation are we?

???: Excuse me, are y’all okay? You look like you escaped from a sleepover.

 

*George and Prince look up to see a petite, baby-faced black girl of light complexion wearing a white blouse and black pencil skirt. David looks up from his face-down resting position and jolts awake*

 

George: You look… familiar…

Prince: Well give me a fine stepdaughter and call me Morgan Freeman.

David: She looks familiar because that’s definitely Left Eye from TLC.

Left Eye: Who?

 

*wamp wamp, what it do*

The Lemons Part 33

I apologize for my erratic posting schedule, but I’m not gonna lie to you: I was abducted by aliens. Which is code for “I am a problematic procrastinator”. However, from this point forth, I will be posting the Lemons every two weeks. So Wednesday, July 5th, is when the next Lemons will be up. It never said Monday, July 1st. That wasn’t even a real date.

Praise be to the most high for the successful delivery of healthy twin babies that made finishing this chapter way easier.

 

Archives

____________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

Bernie: (Bill Cosby running a cult?)

Steve: (You couldn’t tell?)

Steve: So, um, are you like the brother of fathers or the father of brothers because I’m confused over here.

Bill Brotherfather: I am he who is him. I am the father and the brother. The grandfather and the forefather. I am strength in numbers though that number is one.

 

*Bill Cosby slowly pushes himself up from his chair, snatches the cane by his desk and begins walking around it towards Steve Harvey*

 

Dave: Bill, look–

Bill: Hush. I will get to you.

Bill: Steve. I hear you’re trying to buy NBC.

Steve: That’s a bold-faced lie, Bill Cosby. I don’t want no damn TV network.

Bill: But you might as well, the way you hosting all these shows. If you have no interest in it, then why are you here?

Steve: Well, see, Donald Trump sent me–

Bill: Donald Trump!? You some sort of Uncle Tom errand boy? I knew that Family Feud gig was fishy.

Steve: Actually, Drew Carey put me down wit-

Dave: Aw, man, you took the dick money.

Steve: The what-now?

Dave: No black man gets this far without taking the dick money. They show you a mountain of cash, say it’s yours, put their dick in it and tell you to get it.

Dave: How you think Kevin Hart got 8 movies out at the same time? His money got dick skin cells on it. That’s how.

Dave: Chocolate droppa my ass. Chocolate floppa dick in his mouth.

Bill: Stop all this homosexual jibber-jabber.

Bill: So what does Donald Trump want from the National Brotherhood Coalition exactly?

Steve: I don’t know, dismantling feminism or wha-

Bill: Dismantling feminism, eh?

 

 

*Bill Cosby coughs into his left hand*

 

Bill: And then what? Dismantling the black man? What do we get out of this?

 

*Steve leans back on the Brotherfather’s desk. Nate Parker raises an eyebrow.*

 

Steve: Trump wants to help the black community and he wants men to be men again. You put 2 and 2 together, and he’s helping the black male community be men again. Now, fellas: What is empowering black women more than ever right now?

Nate: False rape accusations

Bill: What Nate said.

Dave: Beyoncé.

 

*Steve points at Dave Chappelle*

 

Steve: This man gets it. Beyoncé Knowles.

Bill: Hm.

Nate: Dave is right.

Dave: Look, every time she puts out a song, suddenly every woman powerful. She telling girls they run the world and that niggas gotta put a ring on it. Fuck all that.

Dave: It BeyoncĂ© keeps putting out “Don’t Fuck Your Man” theme songs, humanity will be facing extinction. I don’t wanna be extinct, nigga!

Dave: I say give Trump a chance again.

Nate: But you just took it back.

Dave: That was for white people. They really don’t fuck with that nigga right now and I kinda like making money again, Nat Turner.

Bill: So what does the President want us to do?

 

*Steve does a birdman hand rub and smiles while looking at the group of iconic black men and Nate Parker*

 

Steve: . . . I don’t know, man. I’m lost.

 

*Madonna jumps down from the overturned truck just to catch an uppercut from Jiggaman. She falls backwards, hitting her elbow on the driver side tire. Beyoncé walks up behind Jay-Z and peeks around his shoulder.*

 

Madonna: Wow, I thought you would hit like a man. Now, Sean Penn. Tha-

Jay: If you come near my family, I’ma do that shit again, don’t fuck with me.

 

*Madonna rolls on to her stomach, pushes herself up on all fours and slowly tries to plant her right foot.*

 

Madonna: When I turn around, you’re so fucked.

 

*BeyoncĂ©’s iPhone Napalm tesseracts to her ear*

 

Bey: Hello?

Solo: What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?

 

*Jay cautiously walks over to Madonna just to flinch backwards when a gunshot goes off. Madonna falls to her side and groans like that lady that was squashing grapes with her feet and fell out the bucket. Like, she was like “oou, oou, oou” like a seal*

 

BeckyWithTheGrayHair: Stop making that noise or I’ll shoot you again.

Jay: Yo, did you murder Madonna?

Becky: That bullet was so rubber. I’m not going to kill someone in front of our queen while she’s pregnant. Are you nuts?

 

*Becky runs over to BeyoncĂ©’s side and prostrates before her*

 

Becky: Please forgive me. I’m a horrible double agent, I am.

Bey: Yeah, you are.

Becky: This is all my fault.

Bey: Most of it, yeah.

Becky: I love you so much, you are glowing. You are more perfect every day.

Bey: Thank you. Now pick your gun back up.

Becky: Yes, gracious Goddess of Progress.

 

*Becky grabs her weapon and immediately points it at Madonna again. She sees Madonna’s foot slide around the corner and snickers.*

 

Becky: And where do you think you’re going?

 

*Becky leans against the bottom of the truck’s front bumper and then turns the corner to see Slaybell stabbing the shit out of Madonna*

 

Slaybell: And you thought!

*stab*

Slaybell: You would crawl in my direction!

*stab*

Slaybell: And LIVE!?

 

*stab*

 

*stab*

 

Becky: Slaybell.

 

*stab*

 

Becky: Slaybell.

 

*stab*

 

Becky: You big, tall, pleather body suit, butt surgery bitch.

 

*Slaybell darts her head up*

 

Slaybell: Aaaand how long were you holding that in?

Becky: Since I met you, now stop stabbing her.

 

*Slaybell looks down at Madonna’s frequently impaled corpse. Madonna’s hands are down her pants.*

 

Slaybell: I don’t remember doing this.

Jay: Aw, man, what.

 

*Jay and Bey come around the corner to survey the carnage*

 

Bey: lol oh shit. They killed Madonna, baby.

Jay: I. . . Yeah. . .

Slaybell: I apologize. I lost control.

Bey: Nah, this is flame emojis.

Jay: So we just gonna leave her here in the open near Neil Patrick Harris’ house?

Becky: Way ahead of you.

 

*Beckywiththegrayhair begins dragging Madonna’s body on to a puddle of gasoline and pulls out a zippo lighter.*

 

Becky: My Matriarch and Friend, you must move.

Bey: No, I wanna see.

 

*Jay and Slaybell grab BeyoncĂ© under her left and right arms respectively and lift her away from Becky and Madonna’s body*

 

Becky: That should be far enough.

 

*Becky flicks her zipp one last time and drops it on the edge of the puddle. The gasoline lights before Becky even starts running. Becky reaches the others by the time it engulfs Madonna’s super old body*

 

Becky: I was *gasp* figuring *deep inhale* It would blow up-

 

*THE VAN EXPLODES, SENDING DEBRIS EVERYWHERE IN A 500 FOOT RADIUS. MADONNA’S HEAD LANDS IN SOME GRASS BY the road and BeyoncĂ© points at it*

 

Bey: Slaybell, I’d like to keep that.

Slaybell: Yes, Creator of Dance Choreography.

 

*Slaybell jogs off towards the head*

 

Jay: Where are we going to put that?

Bey: The same place I put Aaliyah’s.

Jay: . . .

Jay: I’m ready to go like a motherfucker.

 

*A blue Corvette screeches to a stop behind Beyoncé and company. Naomi420 hops out of the passenger side*

 

Naomi420: Queen Lord, please take my seat.

Jay: So you just gonna leave me?

Bey: Yes, nigga, I’m in labor.

Jay: Wait, what? Wait.

Jay: What!?

Bey: It started when I was fighting Madonna, before Slaybell roundhouse kicked her.

Bey: If I would’ve said something, she would’ve gone easy on me.

Jay: But she knew you were pregnant.

Bey: If you had a uterus, you would understand.

Jay: No. I understand that you fucking wild.

 

*Beyoncé walks over to the door and looks inside to see BlueTammy at the driver seat*

 

BlueTammy: Get in, not-loser. We’re going. . . Babying?

Bey: Anywhere but here. I need a break from these dummies before we plan how to find Prince.

Bey: Not you, Slaybell.

Bey: Not you, Naomi.

Bey: Not you, Becky.

Bey: Not you, corpses.

 

*Jay-Z raises his hands and looks towards the sky as if he was frozen in time while asking god “Why?”*

 

Bey: You’re the dummy.

Jay: I used context clues.

Bey: Because you’re my smart baby!

 

*Beyoncé blows Jay a kiss before closing the car door. BlueTammy gives everyone a kinda sorta wave and pulls off into the night*

 

Jay: So, are y’all guarding me or something?

Becky: There’s not enough room in Tammy’s car, obviously. I just called us an Uber.

Jay: Okay, cool.

Becky:. . . Are you gonna call yours?

 

*Jay looks simultaneously amused and offended*

 

Jay: Wooooooooow

 

*An all white Mercedes-Benz SSS- class pulls up, running over a Warner Bros. mercenary in the process. The car parks and out comes Tina Knowles-Lawson. Blue Ivy gets out of the back seat and closes the door.*

 

Mama T: Where my daughter at before I start spin kicking niggas?

 

*Slaybell kneels before BeyoncĂ©’s creator*

 

Slaybell: She has gone into labor, Mother Bee. Tammy is taking her to the proper medical facilities.

Mama T: OH. OH !

 

*Mama T gets back in the driver seat of the Benz*

 

Mama T: Are y’all coming? Blue gonna have to sit on somebody lap. Preferably somebody without blood on their clothes.

Jay: I call shotgun.

Slaybell: Beg fucking pardon?

Becky: Wow, how dare you?

Naomi420: No, wait, guys. He’s the reason BeyoncĂ© has babies right now.

Slaybell: . . . Whatever. The princess sits in your lap, though.

Naomi420: Fine.

 

*Naomi picks up Blue Ivy, whom was wrist deep in a dead soldier’s pocket, and hops in the back of the car. The others follow suit, with Jay getting shotgun.*

 

Naomi420: Hey, what you got there, girl?

Blue Ivy: A fidget spinner!

 

*Blue Ivy begins spinning a shuriken on her finger*

 

Blue Ivy: This is like the one’s ninjas have. Everybody’s going to be super jealous.

 

*Naomi stops the shuriken and takes it off her finger*

 

Naomi420: Uh, let’s show this to your mom first.

Blue Ivy: No.

 

Becky: So do we know which hospital she’ll be at.

Jay: Oh, we shut down the whole floor of the UCLA medical center. Light work.

Becky: I had one of my daughters in a kiddie pool in the basement of a 7-11.

Becky: Me and my husband were ducking the federal government at the time.

Becky: the Reagan Era was something else.

Jay: . . . 7-11s have basements?

 

*Mama T drives past a police barricade and to the front of the UCLA medical center, just to see Beyoncé holding two bundles between two women wearing Iron Man type mech suits*

 

*Jay Z jumps out of the car before it stops moving and runs towards Beyoncé*

 

 

Jay: Nah, what.

Beyoncé: You took long enough. Come. Look at our babies.

Jay: But it was like five minutes-

BeyoncĂ©: Oh, that’s right, you weren’t here when I teleported into a helicopter. Stop treating me like I’m regular.

 

*Matthew Knowles peeks over BeyoncĂ©’s right shoulder*

 

Matt: Aww, my precious grandbabies.

 

*Beyoncé does a jumping Black Panther front flip and lands next to Jay Z with their offspring*

 

Matthew: Wow, this is how we’re treating daddies now? Sheesh.

 

*Faneto*

 

*A Toyota Camry drives past the Harris-Burtka household and comes upon the grizzly scene left by Beyoncé’s squad. The driver picks up his cell phone and makes a call.*

Chris Hemsworth: Hello? Yes, I’m your ride for today. Oh? It’s really impolite to leave and not cancel, ma’am.

Chris: Did you know there are a bunch of dead bodies here?

Chris: You did?

Chris: And you didn’t call the police?

Chris: . . . Ma’am, you don’t sound like a real ass bitch, you sound like my grandma.