*Beyonce grabs Aaliyah’s wrist with her left hand before before she can pull her arm back and then punches her hard enough to make her fly back out the door*
Bey: This shit right here! This should be entertaining! Stand up, bitch.
*Aaliyah stands up, dusts herself off and tries again. This time throwing a kick that Beyonce walks backswards from.*
*Aaliyah keeps her guard up in front of the door.*
Jay: Awwww. . . Shiiiiiiiit.
*Jay looks with surprise as Blue Ivy runs past him down the steps carrying a sheathed katana*
Blue: Mommy, here!
Jay: Blue, baby girl, no.
*Jay chases Blue down the stairs until Blue throws the katana over the banister*
*Aaliyah walks towards the sword but it’s already in Beyonce’s hand*
Bey: Hahaha no. No, not today.
*Beyonce slices downward but Aaliyah claps her hands together and catches it*
*Beyonce turns the sword causing Aaliyah to release it, but Aaliyah does a sweep kick causing Beyonce to go to one knee. The Queen rolls out of harm’s way.*
Beyonce: So what are you? A clone? Has spacetime ruptured?
Aaliyah: I am no clone. It is indeed the one you thought banished from this life.
Beyonce: Why are you talking like that?
*Aaliyah does a flying superman punch that Beyonce ducks. Aaliyah stamps down on her katana before she can raise it and jump kicks Beyonce with the other foot. Beyonce eats the kick and jumps away.*
Beyonce: I’ve always wanted to do this with my bare hands.
Aaliyah: If your fighting is as bad as your acting, I have nothing to worry ab–
*Beyonce kicks a lamp at Aaliyah, who blocks it with both arms. Beyonce charges at her and begins a fight sequence out of a Donnie Yen movie*
Blue: Go mommy! Beat that bitch!
Blue: Why aren’t you helping mommy?
Jay: Uh, I was just about to.
Blue: Do you fear death?
Jay: . . . Huh?
*Jay looks at Blue again before running over to help his wife. Jay-Z begins to move like a confused boxer, attempting to judge the best time to punch Aaliyah in her face.*
*Aaliyah kicks him in the chest mid fight choreography. Beyonce takes that opportunity to roundhouse kick Aaliyah in the kidney*
Beyonce: Nigga, go away! What are you doing!?
Jay: Blue said help you.
Beyonce: She is a baby, Shawn! Stop listening to her all the time.
*Beyonce immediately tackles Jay to the floor as a couch flies over them*
Beyonce: Go take care of my babies, husband in name only.
*Beyonce carefully stands up and creeps toward Aaliyah*
Aaliyah: I too wanted children.
Beyonce: Not with R. Kelly I hope.
Aaliyah: . . . How is Robert?
Beyonce: He’s sick.
Aaliyah: Oh, no. . .
Beyonce: Yes, very sick. Are you going to get out of my house now?
Aaliyah: Not before I peel the skin from your offspring.
???: Oh shit is that Aaliyah?
Beyonce: Oh god.
Aaliyah: Who are you?
*Tiffany Haddish steps into the house and looks around*
Tiffany: Damn, y’all was in here smoking sherm or something? I smoked sherm one time. I was butt naked in my cousin house breakdancing, right? But they had on some biz markie and shit and I used to do that anyway cuz thats how I am
Aaliyah: Who is this woman?
Beyonce: That’s Tiffany. She. . . She cool.
Tiffany: Bitch, I came through to see if you could rent the Louvre for my birthday and you brought Aaliyah back to life and had a party and shit. Okay, she ready ^___^
Beyonce: Tiffany, this is a horrible time.
Aaliyah: Terrible, really.
*Beyonce walks over to a cabinet and pulls a piece of paper out of the drawer*
Tiffany: Oh, yeah, okay.
Beyonce: There you go.
*Tiffany signs the paper which turns out to be a non-disclosure agreement*
Tiffany: And these over when you die, right?
Tiffany: Right, right. Girl, you know Tinashe ate Kevin Hart ass? He just be getting bitches to eat his butt, he nasty. He be giggling about it and shit.
Tiffany: Alright, ima, um, come back later.
*Tiffany nods at Beyonce and walks past Aaliyah*
Tiffany: It was nice meeting you, Aaliyah.
Aaliyah: Likewise, I gu-
*Tiffany pounces on Aaliyah and begins pulling her hair*
Tiffany: BITCH YOU AIN’T THINK I KNOW YOU WAS FIGHTING BEYONCE BITCH THIS A JUMP ON GANG BITCH
Aaliyah: Let go of me!
*Beyonce rubs the bridge of her nose*
Tiffany: BITCH YOU BOUT TO BE DEAD AGAIN BITCH THE FUCK
*Aaliyah picks Tiffany up and throws her at Beyonce, whom Bey elegantly dodges*
Aaliyah: Now. I am upset.
*Aaliyah runs toward Beyonce and suddenly slides into her feet. Beyonce trips and immediately rolls away from her attacker. As Aaliyah gets up, Tiffany Haddish hits her in the head with a vase.*
Beyonce: Michael Jackson made that for me.
Tiffany: I’m sorry, Beyonce.
*Aaliyah elbows Tiffany in the stomach and lunges at Beyonce once more. Beyonce uses her momentum against her and throws her into a wall*
*Tiffany gives Aaliyah a mean 1-2 combination before Aaliyah grabs her face with both hands and knees her in the stomach. She pushes Tiffany down in time for Beyonce to dropkick her in the chest, sending her through the wall*
Tiffany: That bitch doing kickboxing and shit.
Bey: Tiffany, you should go.
Tiffany: Not unless you safe, Beyonce. You know you my best friend.
Bey: Aww :3
Tiffany: We just gotta have our best friend threesome then it’ll be official.
Bey: yo if you dont
*Aaliyah suddenly throws a table that Beyonce kicks into pieces. Beyonce begins to go forward but Jay runs past her and begins trying to fistfight Aaliyah. She dodges his punches like Anderson Silva and laughs at him.*
Aaliyah: haha is this the man you married?
Bey: So we wanna talk about niggas we married, huh.
Tiffany: Man, all this talking, man.
*Tiffany runs over and starts helping Jay, with Aaliyah effortlessly evading their efforts*
*Beyonce looks on with concerned interest*
Aaliyah: Since we’re taking a break, why did you do it, Knowles?
*Aaliyah parries a hook from Tiffany*
Bey: Do what?
Aaliyah: You know what. Fuck my plane up.
*Jay Z tries to feint and Aaliyah slaps him really hard*
Bey: lol I don’t know shit about planes, hoe, what you talking about?
Aaliyah: Did you not notice my head was missing.
Bey: . . . Shit, they took it with the machine. . .
*Tiffany throws her shoe at Aaliyah but she catches it, spins and throws it at Tiffany’s thigh*
Tiffany: Ow, slut!
Aaliyah: Is it because I knew about your husband’s secret, baby?
Aaliyah: Was I in the way of your little career?
Bey: Little? Bitch, look–
Aaliyah: It was the actress part, huh?
*Jay tries to tackle Aaliyah but she dodges him and slaps him upside his head. Aaliyah trips Tiffany as she charges her*
Aaliyah: I probably would’ve been on Broadway if it wasn’t for your jealous ass.
Beyonce: But here you are undead and unable to prove any of that. It was a long time ago and I think you should get over it and get back in your grave.
Aaliyah: You shall join me.
*Tiffany takes a step back*
Tiffany: Yeah, girl, you ain’t wanna be alive for this R. Kelly shit anyway.
*Aaliyah puts Jay in a chicken wing crossface. He looks at his wife for help but she just shakes her head in disgust*
Aaliyah: What R. Kelly shit?
Tiffany: The pedophile shit. He out here peeing on high schoolers and kidnapping girls and shit. Nigga out here got bitches rubbing on his ding a ling at shows, whole time he got girls chained up in his living room eating out of doggie bowls.
Aaliyah: QUIET! Robert would never.
Tiffany: Bitch, it’s like 3 documentaries I can pull up right now with girls like “Yeah, R. Kelly slapped me for eating his fruit roll ups” and everything.
*Aaliyah’s grip on Jay Z tightens and he kinda squeals a little bit*
Aaliyah: These are lies. I want to talk to Robert. Give me your cellphone.
Tiffany: Don’t nobody have his number. They boycotting him now, except, like, old people. But you know how they is. They think Bill Cosby innocent.
Aaliyah: Innocent of what?
Tiffany: Drugging like 80 women. He was putting the pills in the pudding, feel me?
Aaliyah: Noooo. . .
Tiffany: Here, come here, let me show you. It’s a whole movement called Me, Too. Harvey Weinstein a rapist.
Aaliyah: Oh, I been knew that.
*Aaliyah drops Jay Z and follows Tiffany as she shows her the shade room on her phone*
*Beyonce watches Jay Z sit up*
Bey: I’m proud of you. I don’t know if I’m being sarcastic or not.
Jay: Thank you. I’m not being sarcastic.
Jay: So, she was talking about–
Bey: Nope. I said we weren’t talking about it anymore or I will have the boy killed.
Jay: . . . Yeeeah.
Bey: I should kill her while she’s distracted.
Blue: I agree.
Bey: I knew you would, baby.
Jay: You should be sleep. It’s time for you to go to sleep.
Blue: You loafing.
Mama T: Alright, I’m here to get my baby.
*Tina Knowles walks in to the living area that the Carter’s are standing in*
Mama T: I honestly don’t want to know why Aaliyah is alive and watching R. Kelly’s interview with Toure on your couch with Tiffany Haddish, I just want my granddaughter.
Blue: I’m so ready to go. It’s dirty in here.
Mama T: I know, baby. I told you, some grown ups are just big kids. Is her princess dress packed? You know she gonna be on that Steve Harvey kids show tomorrow.
Jay: Wait, what? You didn’t tell me that was happening.
Bey: You didn’t tell me– you know what, haha, I’m not even gonna do it. I want our child to have her first t.v. royalty check. She gets to have a few memes and stuff and that’s it.
Jay: Memes? I don’t want memes of my daughter floating around.
Blue: There already are. I’m pretty famous.
Bey: The most famous.
Blue: Everything is shaka.
Jay: You know I don’t like Steve Harvey. You don’t trust niggas with mustaches like that.
Bey: I guess, b.
*Aaliyah peeks her head in*
Aaliyah: Pardon me, murderer. I have decided that I will save my quarrel with you for another time. I have more pressing issues at hand.
Aaliyah: I’m going to go torture Robert Kelly into a mucilaginous paste. Farewell, for I will return to do the same to you.
Bey: Good luck with that.
Aaliyah: Oh, and by the way, I’m not the only person to come back to this Earth.
Bey: I mean, I figured.
*Meanwhile, Aretha Franklin’s baby shower is taking place in a mansion in Stone Mountain. Rihanna stands at a podium with Aretha Franklin sitting in a throne not too far from her. Juventud kneels next to her throne, wearing some sort of latex bdsm outfit. They face a crowd that includes Patti Labelle, Lauryn Hill, Mariah Carey and Stevie Wonder.*
Rihanna: How you even get pregnant, girl? Them eggs ain’t rotten yet?
*The crowd laughs*
Aretha: Fuck you!
Rihanna: Nah, you like 200 years too old for me.
*The crowd laughs again*
Aretha: Hahaha, bitch, ima kill you!
Rihanna: What, you gonna old me to death?
*The crowd bursts into raucous laughter and Aretha is crying laughing on stage. People begin gasping in the back of the room.*
*Rihanna leans down to tell another joke but sees why the gasps are increasing in volume. One woman screams*
*Aretha is still laughing and wiping her eyes before realizing the entire room is silent besides a few whispers*
Aretha: Heheh. . . Oh my goodness. Girl, why you stop.
*Aretha looks in front of the podium and sees Luther Vandross looking at her with a smirk on his face*
Luther: Hello, Aretha.
Stevie: That sounds like Luther Vandross.
Patti: It is.
Stevie: The fuck?
TO BE CONTINUED ONE DAY