The Lemons Part 15

My bad.

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*Taylor Swift, Mama T and Prince walk through the foyer of Taylor’s home*

Taylor: Welcome to “Castle Swift” *giggle*

Mama T: Aren’t you like 30?

Taylor: I couldn’t believe it when Beyoncé called! She’s never called me before. Like ever. I call her like a hundred times.

Mama T: That’s adorable.

Taylor: Lol thank you.

Prince: So what part of the house could I stay in that would be the farthest from you and whoever spends time with you?

Taylor: You can stay in my room near the Fairy Grotto. There aren’t actual fairies yet, but it’s really pretty.

Prince: . . . Fantastic. Grace Jones had a fairy grotto, but she actually made it for me, personally.

Taylor: I told you that you could come stay with me but you were all “no, little girl” and being all shady.

Prince:

*They walk into the living room to see Lianne LaHavas and Lorde drinking tea. The furniture is like some shit out of a Kiera Knightley period drama*

*Prince pulls Mama T closer to him*

Prince: That Lianne La Havas girl is signed to Warner Bros. This situation is fishy like Madonna’s laundry.

Mama T: Kris, you need to relax.

Prince: However, she has the legs of a goddess. . .

Mama T: Okay, don’t relax that much.

*Prince bites his bottom lip to stop it from quivering as he gazes at Lianne from the darkness of his Gucci shades*

Lianne: Hello, Mrs. Lawson and Ms. Jenner.

Lorde: Good afternoon

Kris: Hello. Is that tea?

Lianne: Yes, it is. Are you okay?

Kris: I am fine. Why do you ask, darling?

Lianne: I’m sorry, of course you’d sound different from the way you do on television. You also look younger.

Kris: Ooh, thank you. Teehee.

Mama T: Oh, Taylor can I talk to you in the kitchen about very important Beyoncé business.

Taylor: Yes, of course.

*Kris Jenner gets up to join them*

Mama T: No, you can stay

Kris: Tuh huh huh what now?

Mama T: Its not your business.

Kris: *whispering aggressively* And what do I say to these women? I don’t know jack about no Kris Jenner.

Mama T: *whispering more aggressively* Then improvise.

*Kris turns around towards the girls, walks over to a chair and sits down*

Kris:. . . So. . . I’m Kris Jenner.

Lorde: I thought you were going back to Kardashian?

Kris: Rob? No, he died, sweetheart.

Lianne: lol

*Mama T and Taylor walk to the kitchen*

Mama T: Okay, can I leave

Taylor: Really? We’re about to eat Chipotle and watch Finding Dory.

Mama T: Yeah, no; I have grown up stuff to do. So, he said that girl is from Warner Bros? Lianne Lava?

Taylor: Lianne? Oh, she’s fine. She just joined my squad.

Mama T: Your wot?

Taylor: My squad. Those are my peoples. My gang gang gang.

Mama T:

Mama T: okay

Mama T: Well, if anything happens to him, Beyoncé is going to come down on you like Ian Connor on an art hoe.

Taylor: Those women were victims; please don’t joke about them like that.

Mama T: That’s what people gonna say about you if you lose him.

Taylor: Oh, I got this, Ms. Tina. You ain’t gotta trip on nuffin.

Mama T: Um

Mama T: Just so you know, He is very disobedient and finicky. He will bring black women on to your property if they aren’t already there.

Taylor: You didn’t think I would have a problem with that would you? I am a lover and supporter of all women everywhere.

Mama T: Good for you.

Mama T: You’ll have to put your foot down and keep him in his quarters. He’ll do his best to take over your house and act like he’s not supposed to be dead.

Mama T: He can’t keep pretending to be Kris Jenner.

Taylor: We’ll just play dress up lol

Mama T: Goodbye

Taylor: Oh, let me walk you out!

*Taylor and Mama T walk out of the kitchen to see KrisPrince laughing with Lianne’s legs on herhis lap*

Kris: This is something OJ showed me before he was so wrongfully convicted of killing that poor woman.

Kris: When he played for the Buffalo Bills, the trainer would rub his leg like this to prevent cramps.

Lianne: Wow, this is nice. Your husband let him show you how to do this?

Kris: Not with permission kekekekekeke

Lorde: Can you do me next? My legs have been killi–

Kris: Ew, no

Mama T: What the hell, Kris?

Taylor: I didn’t know it was massage time! I’ll do you, Lani.

*Taylor walks over to Lorde and begins massaging her right leg*

Mama T: Can I talk to you real quick, Kris?

Kris: Sure.

*Kris gently lays Lianne’s leg on the carpeted floor and trots over to Mama T*

Mama T: *whispers aggressively* What are you doing, nigga?

Kris: *whispers passive aggressively* I’m improvising

Mama T: You gonna improvise your way into a trap.

Kris: You think I can’t avoid traps? You don’t know what I went through as the Artist formerly known as Prince. They sent Jasmine Guy to my birthday party to poison me!

Mama T: Fine. What you eat dont make me shit. One of Beyoncé’s bees or whatever gonna come with your shit later.

Kris: So I have to stay dressed like this all day?

Mama T: The way you acting with Lianna, I doubt you’ll stay dressed long.

Mama T: Have fun with Princess Paleface and her squadron.

Mama T: Hey, Taylor, I’m leaving. Kris is gonna get an Uber!

Taylor: Okay!

Mama T: Don’t fuck this up, Prince.

*Mama T leaves out of the door*

*meanwhile, at Octavia Spencer’s house, Octavia, Ava, Viola, Lil Mama and Kirk Franklin sit clockwise around a perfectly circular table in the dining room.*

Kirk: Now, first, we must pray.

Ava: But we just prayed before we came down the steps.

Kirk: When dealing with the supernatural, prayer can never be underutilized.

Viola: I never viewed you as one that believed in ghosts.

Kirk: That may be because you only viewed me from one angle, Ms. Davis. What is a ghost if not a spirit? A soul that became lost on its way home?

Viola: A series of electromagnetic anomalies and happenstance occurrences.

Kirk: Hahaha, indeed, Ms. Davis.

Octavia: Bitch, you summoned a ghost in my home then you gonna be skeptical with the damn pastor!

Kirk: Ladies, ladies, let us hold hands.

*Everyone in the living room grabs the hand of the person next to them*

Kirk: Our father–

Ava: Wait

*Takes her hand out of Octavia’s hand*

Ava: I gotta. . . take my wedgie ooouuuut. There.

Octavia: Don’t fucking touch me, Ava

*Ava places her hand on Octavia’s leg as Octavia gives her a death stare*

Ava: I’m ready, Reverend Plies.

Kirk: . . . Thank you. Our fa-

Ava: I ran off on my vows twice.

Viola: Ava, seriously.

Ava: Okay, serious, now. Jesus, Amen, shamalahshamalenyah.

Kirk:

Kirk: Our father, we come to you with heavy hearts, oh, Lord. A spirit cannot find his way home, Jesus, and that spirit needs your guidance, dear Lord. This spirit has darkened the house of this woman, oh, Lord. Bring your light forth and send away the dark, Lord. Draw forth the light of the spirit so that he may walk home with you, dear God. Amen.

Octavia: Amen

Lil Mama: Amen

Viola: Amen

Ava: Amen

Kirk: Spirit, I know you are here. You have been terrorizing Ms. Spencer for too long. If you hear me, give us a sign. Move something. Turn on a light. We are willing to cooperate with you.

*Everyone sits silently*

*and waits*

*patiently*

*for something to hap-*

Ava: Maybe it’s scared of men.

Octavia: Maybe it’s scared of motormouth hoes that bring acid tabs to your house.

Kirk: Spirit, we know that you are here. These women have experienced your haunting and want no more of it. You must le-

*a picture flies off of the table near the entrance to the kitchen*

Ava: Okay.

Octavia: Shitnuts.

Kirk: Spirit, we want to speak with you.

*the lights in the dining room slowly begin to dim*

Viola: Is it doing this on purpose or is this just, like, part of ghost summoning stuff?

Kirk: I’m no expert on the paranormal Ms. Davis. I simply strive to do God’s work.

Viola: So you–

*The kitchen sink turns on at a water pressure so high that the faucet vibrates*

Viola: So you don’t know what the hell you’re doing, basically?

Kirk: I only know the heaven that I long for, Ms. Davis.

Ava: Shouldn’t

*the dining room lights flash on and off at the pace of a heartbeat*

Ava: SHOULDN’T YOU BE TALKING TO THE GHOST, MY NIGGA

Kirk: Spirit! Leave this woman’s electric and water bills out of this and come forth!

*the dining room lights cut out and the water in the kitchen stops running*

Octavia: ohhhh boy

Ava: This is that bullshit

Kirk: Ladies, everything is under control. God created all and he knows how to deal with spirits.

Octavia: I understand that, Reverend Franklin, but God isn’t th-

Kirk: Choir director.

Octavia: abeg

Kirk: I’m not an ordained minister.

Ava: HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU THOUGHT HE WAS A PASTOR

Octavia: Y’all called him pastor!

Viola: That was sarcasm.

Octavia: Why did you let me pay you, you butthole!?

Kirk: First off, I’m famous, you have to pay me to be anywhere

Octavia: You motherfu–

Kirk: Second, as a most exalted child of God, I shall do his bidding when ever I am called.

Kirk: When a friend is being haunted by an apparition, I should at least attempt to compel it with the power of Christ.

Octavia: More like the power of scamming

Lil Mama: I wish the lights were on, at least. This is creepy.

Ava: Yeah, I can’t be in the dark for this long with people and we not doing coochie stuff

Octavia: I want all of you to get out. Get out of m–

*The dining room light suddenly turns on*

Octavia: See, the ghost wants you out, too.

Octavia: Right now, the ghost is the only person I like that’s in my house and–

Lil Mama: I didn’t even do nuffin!

Octavia: You weren’t even invited!

Octavia: Do you bitches think I’m soft? Do y’all take my kindness for a weakness? Y’all just come in my house and feel entitled to act however y’all want! Get o–

*Kirk Franklin’s eyes suddenly roll back. He begins shaking violently in his chair.*

*Ava pulls out her cellphone and starts recording*

Viola: Put that away!

Ava: Nope. This footage gonna be worth too much, mama.

* Kirk Franklin suddenly begins to levitate, rotating in the air as if he was rolling in a ball*

Lil Mama: Oh, fuck this!

*Lil Mama gets up from her chair and runs towards the living room, but the couch turns into her path. She attempts to jump over it, but sort of fails as her left knee hits the top of the couch*

*Ava backs into the kitchen still filming*

* Octavia and Viola run for the living room and hurdle over the couch, helping Lil Mama up*

Octavia: We have to go back to my room! It’ll be safe with all of the ghost protection shit!

Lil Mama: What about Ava?

Octavia: Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, fuck that bitch

*Ava suddenly runs past them and up the steps*

*Octavia looks back to see the rotating body of Kirk Franklin slowly spinning toward them. Octavia, Viola and Lil Mama scream simultaneously and then run up the stairs to her apparition proof bedroom*

Ava: Y’all slow as shit.

*Ava closes the door as all of the ladies dive into the room*

Ava: So you sure all this shit gonna keep us safe? We coulda just ran out the damn house, for real.

Octavia: It can’t have my house, Ava.

Ava: If I miss the Queen Sugar premiere, I swear to God, yo

*They suddenly hear Kirk Franklin’s limbs slowly grinding against the walls as his body floats up the steps*

Octavia: Nope.

*Octavia pulls a guitar case from under her bed, opens it and pulls out a shotgun*

Ava: Wow. Does it have rocksalt in it?

Octavia: Duh.

Viola: What?

Ava: Like on Supernatural.

Viola: I don’t know what that is.

Lil Mama: Wow.

Octavia: You are so lame.

Viola: I’m lame because I don’t watch a show about shooting people with rock salt? That’s very juvenile.

Ava: That show is fucking flames. I actually found out me and Octavia were friends on a supernatural forum before I even met her ass.

Ava: I thought she was white.

Octavia: I–

*They suddenly hear Kirk Franklin’s body rubbing against the door. After a half a minute, they hear him drop to the floor*

Ava:

Lil Mama:

Viola:

Octavia:

Ava:

???: Let me in. I ain’t tryna hurt you dumb broads.

Ava: Hey. Hey.

???: What?

Ava: What the fuck?

??? : “What the fuck” hell. Y’all summoned me and shit and now I’m here.

*Octavia looks at Viola who looks at Lil Mama who looks at Ava who looks at her phone*

Ava: I’m not opening that shit, don’t look at me. You see the video of the dude that went through the drive-thru as a robot?

Octavia: I’ll do it.

Lil Mama: What if it’s a trick?

Octavia: Ima kill his dumb ass.

Viola: Don’t be rash. That’s still Kirk Franklin.

Octavia: Who you thought I was talking about?

*Octavia slowly walks towards the door and grabs the handle. Octavia takes a deep breath.*

Octavia: Be like Xena.

*Octavia flings the door open, steps back and points her shogun. In front of her is Kirk Franklin’s body bent over backwards with his head right-side up, looking up at Octavia*

???: Look, don’t shoot me, now. I know this shit weird; I’m weirded out, too. I’m like a little mouse that got lost. I’m just tryna find my mama teets. Squeak squeak. Squeak.

Octavia:. . . That voice. . .

Ava: Nah.

???: Yes, I’m Bernie damn Mac, now can we get some stuff figured out?

Bernie Mac: And can I get a big bowl of whiskey, please?

THE END

PSYCH NO

TO BE CONTINUED

The Lemons Part 14

PART 11 PART 12 PART 13

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Patti: I know y’all was talking mess about me. Y’all can say it to my face now.

Taraji: Hahahaha you tripping, Patti.

Patti: I ain’t tripping over shit; my balance is fine. So why else would you little scalliwags be over here?

Solo: I’m really glad you came, Ms. LaBelle.

Solo: I was just telling Aretha that you two need to squash your beef and maybe even collaborate.

Patti: I was actually here for one of those things. The other thing I was saving for when she died. . .

Solo: You should collaborate now. We just lost Prince and–

Patti: Don’t you throw Prince in my face. I don’t live like that boy. If he wanna roll on pills till he die, that’s his thing, but I don’t see him making up with nobody because he old.

Solo: Think of the young women that your bond could influence. To see you and Aretha do a duet would be iconic and important for my generation and every generation afterwards.

Patti: Aw, you make it sound so pretty. It’s a shame people care more about your sister’s words than yours.

Taraji: So, are you shooting a reality show?

Patti: Yup. It’s gonna be a tidal exclusive.

Patti: All they care about is getting people to buy subscriptions. I figured coming here and letting them film me pretending to make up with Aretha would be enough for how much I made them pay me.

Taraji: Pretending?

Patti: Oh, I’m sorry, did I say that out loud? I meant “real life friendship”. If I can

*A gun cocks and Patti LaBelle practically deathdrops to the ground before two bullets go into the wall behind her*

*Solo hides behind the couch as Taraji looks on*

Aretha: Juventud, you’re punished.

Juventud: Miss Aretha, I

Aretha: Why did y’all let this demonspawn stay inside of my house?

Patti: YOU CRAZY COW. YOU ALMOST KILLED ME.

Aretha: WOULDN’TA BEEN NO “ALMOST” IF I WOULDVE COCKED THE GUN OUTSIDE FIRST

Solo: Miss Aretha!

Aretha: Was this your doing, Baldyonce?

Patti: I can’t believe you just tried to kill me, you cantankerous old hoe!

*Aretha points the gun at Patti, but Taraji gently disarms her*

Taraji: I would’ve stopped you from getting Luther, too, if I had the chance

Patti: I knew you killed Luther. Chaka Khan told me but she didn’t have any proof.

*Patti pulls out a damn handgun, too*

Aretha: See what you did, Cookie?

*Taraji gets in front of Aretha with arms outstretched*

Taraji: Y’all are gonna sit down like the grown women you are and handle this like adults.

Patti: If shooting people not handling it like adults, then why you gotta be an adult to buy a gun?

Taraji: You know goddamn well–

Lauryn: I sensed a large energy disturbance

Solo: oh, lord

Aretha: Yeah, this wannabe came in my house causing some tension

Patti: Wannabe!? Bitch, I’m you 4.0. Fuck you mean?

Aretha: Fuck YOU mean!?

Patti: Fuck YOU MEAN!?

*Patti pulls a pistol out of her purse and cocks it before Solo takes it out of her hand*

Solo: Did both of you even realize it’s a camera here?

Aretha: Fuck a camera

*Taraji grabs the camera man’s camera, slams it on the ground and starts stomping it*

White cameraman: Hey, lady!

Taraji: I said something about Luther on there. It’s too much incriminating stuff on–

Cameraman: It was a live stream. . .

Aretha: This is your fault, Fatti LaBalls

Patti: Oh, go eat dog shit

Solo: Can someone help me understand while y’all hate each other so much in the first place?

*Patti and Aretha look at each other and then sit down as far away from each other as possible*

Taraji: Didn’t y’all fight in 2014 or something?

Aretha: No we didn’t damn fight.

Patti: I tried to greet this heffer at the white house but apparently she’s too good to touch my hands.

Aretha: I didn’t even know it was you. I thought somebody let a giant possum in.

Patti: We gonna see who the possum if you keep playing games with me. You gonna be the one playing dead.

Aretha: You were almost real life dead.

Taraji: Ladies, ladies, ladies. Boaf y’all almost real life dead, so y’all can stop trying to kill each other over petty shit.

Aretha: Ain’t nothing petty. They calling this skank the godmother of soul but I wanna see receipts. Everything you doing, I been did

Patti: TUH

Aretha: First woman inducted into Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and number one on Rolling Stones 100 greatest singers list.

Patti: Girl, fuck these white people. They didn’t even want us performing at first and now yo ass using their awards for validation.

Aretha: That’s what every bitch with minor accolades say

*Patti stands up*

Patti: You can’t even stand up that fast.

*Aretha stands up*

Aretha: Sell 500 records that fast.

*Solange facepalms*

Solo: Oh god, y’all like 7 year olds

*Meanwhile at the Mansion Carter, Naomi420 hears someone coming down the basement steps*

*She quickly leans against the wall and readies her nunchaku*

Jay: Hey, baby, wh-

Naomi420: WA-TAAAAAA

*Naomi420 clocks Jay in the face with a nunchucks*

Jay: OW WHAT THE FUCK

Jay: ITS ME THIS IS MY HOUSE

Naomi420: I’m aware of your identity.

Bey: Welcome home, husband. Is Frank with you?

Jay: Bey, I already told you–

Bey: It was a serious joke

Jay: . . . wha

Jay: I could have a concussion

Bey: Naomi, get him an acetaminophen.

Naomi420: Yes, Queen.

Jay: Usually, women have on lingerie or have food ready when their husbands come home.

Bey: Usually, people that do what they are supposed to do are fed.

Jay: Where’s Bruno?

Bey: He is being broken.

Jay: Like, literally?

Bey: No. He might enjoy it too much.

Jay: Okaaaay

Bey: How was your New York trip? Did you get to fuck someone

Jay:

Jay: It was fine. I shot the shit on hot 97.

Bey: I heard. Your lies stank through my speakers.

Jay: We found Azealia. She took us to her apartment and let Frank go. Now he’s gone.

Bey: I could spit on you.

Bey: Did you tell him I wanted him back here?

Jay: Yes. He was enjoying his solitude so he took off and went somewhere else.

Bey: I want a different response.

Jay: Yes. He respectfully declined.

Bey: Why didn’t he try to escape Azealia’s apartment?

Jay: He was locked in a room. He said she only opened it to get her skin bleaching cream.

Bey: Indeed. I will just have to get my Beyhive agents to locate him. And Sean?

Jay: Yes, baby?

Bey: If you’re lying to me, I will come at you like a voluptuous bullet train made of plastic explosives, do you understand.

Jay: Absolutely.

Bey: Now. Didn’t I tell you people would still take your music seriously?

Jay: Huh?

Bey: After my social experiment. You make new music and people are still excited. I don’t even think I’ve seen a Michael Jordan crying face on you.

Jay: Yeah, that’s. . . good. I still got it ahaaaa

Bey: You fucking men.

Jay:

Bey: I do my best to tell people you cheated on me without having to say your name and people think it’s a ploy.

Jay: I mean, we are famous. They figure everything is for the cameras.

Bey: I bet if you made a song about me cheating on you, the media wouldn’t get enough of it

Jay:

Bey: “Oh she dresses like a slut! Who’s surprised!? No one! Let’s see what Donald Trump thinks!”

Bey: “How Beyoncé’s infidelity is ruining a generation of little girls by Huffington Post Buzzfeed Salon Vice”

Jay:

Bey:

Jay:

Bey: You have no words?

Bey: Should I turn on a beat?

Jay:

Bey: Boom ch-kuh Boom ch boom ch boom boom ch-kuh fucking rap what you thinking nigga

Jay:

Jay: You know I love you and what I did was. . . something I will spend my life making up for.

Bey: And a good majority of your death

Jay: Should I do a PSA on infidelity or something?

Bey: Sure

Jay: Isn’t that, I don’t know. . . like kink-shaming people? Not everyone is monogamous

Bey: Where the fuck did you learn about kink-shaming?

Jay: Kanye

Bey: Who has cheated on his wife numerous times.

Jay: He says sex workers don’t count.

Bey: Please don’t repeat words Kanye has said anymore.

Jay: Baby, I mean. . . Patriarchy is really programmed–

Bey: You remember the word! I’m so proud of you!

Jay: thank you

Bey: It was a serious sarcastic remark.

Jay:

Jay: What do you want me to say?

Bey: I want you to tell everyone who you cheated on me with.

Jay: Where is Prince?

Bey: Where I want him to be. Change the subject again and I will personally crash all of your cars.

Jay:

Jay: Hahaha

Bey: DID YOU JUST LAUGH

*Beyoncé storms over to Jay and bites at the air within an inch of his face*

Bey: Tell everyone it was Rihanna

Jay: Baby. . . I

*Jay Z takes off running for the basement steps, pulls out his phone and calls Leo*

Leo: You handle dat?

Jay: Its a super emergency!

*Naomi420 chases Jay as Bey looks on in disgust*

*Jay Z gets up the steps, closes the door and puts his back against it*

Leo: You okay, dude?

Jay: Beyoncé is gonna kill me.

Leo: I’ma pull past, open the door and you’re gonna jump in like an action movie. I’m doing an oobz mission.

Jay: A what?

*Jay hears a shotgun cock through the door*

Naomi420: Please don’t make me shoot the door, Mr. Sean

*Jay runs off towards the front door*

*Blue Ivy waves at her dad from the second floor*

Blue Ivy: Hi, daddy!

Jay: Heyhoneydaddygonnaberightback

*Blue squints her eyes*

Blue: Mama T said you would leave me like this

Leo: I’m hitting the corner, hurry up!

*Jay runs out of the door and towards his front gate. He sprints out and into the street just as Leo pulls up.*

Jay: Nigga, slow down!

Leo: Cool, I’m your nilla!

*Jay jumps into the passenger seat of the car*

??? : Holy shit, Sean motherfucking Carter.

Jay: Who? Ben Affleck?

Ben: I’m currently going by Batlfleck.

Jay: Okay.

Ben: Seriously. I’m planning on ending my career as Bruce Wayne. What’s a few nerds putting their hands to low on my back in pictures if I’m making an extra couple hundred mil a year? Ya know?

Ben: “I’m not a businessman, I’m a business, maaan” hahaha

Jay: Haaaa

Leo: Why did you just have to jump in my neon, Jiggaman? Danger at home?

Jay: She wants me to tell everyone who I cheated on her with.

Leo: Whoa, like all of them!?

Jay: No, just Rihanna

Ben: Aw, man, you fucked Rihanna, dude? I wish we could be eskimo brothers.

Leo: Didn’t you bang Rita Ora?

Ben: Well, yeah. I almost forgot about her.

Leo: Everyone does. It’s like her super power.

Jay: So, yeah, I just got out of there. I’ve never truly known what she’s capable of and I’d rather not find out.

Ben: Didn’t a local news team go missing at you guys’ house once?

Jay: I don’t know what you mean.

Ben: Wow. They found a hand in your yard, dude.

Jay:

Ben: This guy is ice cold.

Leo: Soooooooooooooooooo, our little problem?

Jay: Your little problem

Ben: What’s cooler than being cool?

Leo: You didn’t even talk to the paper did you?

Jay: My wife literally just chased me back out of the house.

Leo: You’re really cuckolding the shit out of me right now

Ben: ICE COLD!

Jay: . . . No

Leo: Like, this is my life, right? You are pounding my life missionary style while she wraps her legs around your ass and pulls you deeper into her wetness and moans in ecstasy. I’m recording it and giving directions, but I know deep down I’ll never fuck my life like your fucking my life.

Jay:

Jay: This is really that important to you?

Leo: Like finding my prostate during a blowjob.

Jay: Fine. I’ll have to send a few emails.

*Slaybell suddenly gets into the backseat of the car next to Ben Affleck*

Ben: Okay, hi and daaaaaaaamn

Slaybell: Queen Beyoncé demands that you turn this vehicle around and bring back her husband. He has shamed and offended her greatly with his insolence.

Leo: Look, you’re hot enough for me to listen to you.

Jay: Wow, really?

Leo: Wait, yeah, who are you?

*Slaybell pulls a desert eagle out of her purse and runs it down Leo’s face*

Slaybell: I am the one that has a gun and told you to turn your ugly car around

Leo: I don’t know, should I listen Jay? Would you like for me to die?

Jay:

*Jay goes to jump out of the car but the door won’t unlock*

Leo: You think I’ve never been ditched before during a robbery? You’re going back home, motherfucker.

*Leo turns the Dodge Neon around heads back to the Carter Mansion*

HE ALWAYS GOT THEM FUCKIN EXCUSES

The Lemons Part 13

PART 11 PART 12

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*Ava, Viola and Lil Mama exit Viola’s Cadillac in front of a quaint cottage like home with a colorful garden in the front*

*Viola sends Octavia a text saying that they are outside*

Lil Mama: I’ve never had a paranormal encounter before
Ava: I nutted so hard my soul left my body once

*Viola rolls her eyes and walks towards the house. Ava and Lil Mama begin to follow. Before Viola steps foot on the porch, Octavia Spencer opens the door*

Octavia: Took y’all long e-goddamn-nough. I want this thing out of my house.
Ava: Good morning to you, too
Octavia: No, bad morning. Bad fucking morning.
Octavia: That thing had my house smelling like cigars and. . . I think it’s watching porn on my office computer!
Viola: But how is it Ava’s ghost if she’s right here?
Ava: Oh, this bitch always got them jokes
Octavia: And this bitch got them ghosts, so can we please do this?
Lil Mama: Has the ghost tried to hurt you?
Octavia: Wh- Oh, shit, is that Lil Mama? I didn’t see you there.
Lil Mama: I’m so honored to meet you, Miss Spencer. Me and my little cousins are big fans of your Randi Rhodes series
Ava: Who?
Octavia: Oh my god, thank you!
Viola: She writes children’s books, remember?
Ava: Oh, the one about the little white girl
Ava: *Yawns very audibly*
Octavia: Fuck you
Octavia: No, he hasn’t tried to hurt me.
Lil Mama: He?
Lil Mama: He was watching foot porn. I don’t know any women that watch that shit.
Ava: Oh, he a foot nigga? I remember my foot slut days. Laurence Fishburne pointed out that my feet looked scrumptious and I entered a whole new world.
Octavia: Oh my god

*Octavia walks back in the house and the other ladies follow*

Octavia: We have to go up to my room. That’s where I put the salt and stuff down.
Ava: You trying to kill slugs?
Octavia: No, chickenhead. Salt is known to keep away bad spirits. You never head of throwing salt over your shoulder to keep away evil spirits?
Ava: I thought that was for keeping broke niggas away.

*Viola palms her face and drags her hand down*

*They walk up to Octavia’s bedroom, step over the salt boundary and close the door. Octavia has holy water, religious kakemono and crosses interspersed throughout the room*

Viola: So where is the exorcist?
Octavia: He’s on his way. He’s grabbing some things.
Ava: The fuck is Japanese paper gonna do?
Octavia: Stop touching that!
Lil Mama: How did you guys even summon a ghost anyway? Everybody in Brooklyn has been trying to figure it out since Biggie died.
Octavia: I don’t know. Ava brought white people drugs to my house and I ignored my better judgment.
Ava: That shit was fucking lit
Octavia: UHURA AND MORPHEUS DIED. THATS IS NOT LIT.
Ava:. . . who?

*Octavia lunges at Ava just for Viola to block her like an offensive lineman*

Ava: Bitch, I fucking dare you
Viola: Can you stop being a goddamn hoodrat for 2 minutes!
Ava: I don’t see not one hoe in here writing me a check, so no

*Octavia breaks down crying and Lil Mama consoles her*

Viola: Uhura and Morpheus are her cats. We kinda ate them.
Lil Mama: What?
Viola: We thought it would be fun to do acid with Av-
Ava: And the weed brownies. I feel like the brownies important.

*Viola rolls her eyes*

Viola: We had weed brownies and dropped acid
Ava: There were shrooms in the brownies, too
Octavia: GHWHAT!?
Ava: Look, I had like 3 brownies before I made those brownies and thought it was a good idea
Octavia: MY CAAAAAATS

*Octavia drops her face into Lil Mama’s shoulder and sobs*

Ava: Oh my god, yo
Viola: Long story short, we did the hardest drugs and we don’t remember what we did. We woke up butt naked with cat corpses,–
Octavia: WAAAAAAAH
Viola: – – blood and Popeye’s boxes everywhere. Then stuff started moving around, blood came out of the sink and
Octavia: AND YOU LEFT ME
Viola: Not by choice
Viola: And here we are
Lil Mama: And you stayed here?
Octavia: No. The apparition plus the deaths of Uhara and Morpheus sent me into a deep depression. I stayed at Oprah’s Mahogany Motel.
Lil Mama: The what?
Viola: Its a getaway Oprah built for hard working black women like ourselves. People that are white and/or men are banned completely.
Lil Mama: Wooooooooow
Ava: That shit lame
Viola: Ava is just salty she was banned
Ava: Its nothing but women, so why can’t I have my titties out? Like, to be dead ass.
Octavia: Because of decency. It’s a villa, not a nudist colony.
Ava: You saying I don’t have decent titties?
Ava: Tuh

*Octavia’s phone rings*

Octavia: Yes.
Octavia: Oh my god, thank you.
Octavia: Someone will be down to open the door.
Octavia: Little Mama, could you get the door for me? Put this on

*Octavia hands Lil Mama a talisman on a necklace*

*Lil Mama goes downstairs and opens the door to find Kirk Franklin*

Lil Mama: Oh my god
Kirk: Please don’t use our God’s name in vain. Where can I speak to Miss Spencer?

*Lil Mama leads Kirk Franklin upstairs and into the anti-ghost room*

Ava: Ho ma god
Viola: This is your exorcist? The DJ Khaled of gospel music?
Kirk: I feel like you are passing judgment on me and Mr. Khaled, Mrs. Davis.
Viola: They say she who isn’t a backslider casts the first stone.
Octavia: Thank you for coming, Mr. Franklin. Please pardon my friends-in-title-only.
Kirk: Lol they know not what they do
Kirk: Now, what is the issue you’re having with . . . spirits?

*Meanwhile, Jay Z pulls up to the Carter Mansion and hops out to find Leonardo Dicaprio waiting outside of his house*

Jay: Leo, what up?
Leo: “Damn, Daniel, FBI still at it with them white vans”? Really?
Jay: Because you’re the best rapper alive or something
Leo: Well it’s definitely not the guy that did a mash up album with Linkin Park
Jay:
Leo: Look, man, I need your help
Jay: Is this financial or emotional help? I don’t have much time for either
Leo: This french magazine is saying that I tried to fuck Caitlyn Jenner
Jay: LMAO
Leo: Not funny
Jay: It is, though
Leo: Apparently some French fuckmook has “sources” that claim I was DMing her dick pics on instagram
Jay: Well, were you?
Leo: That’s irrelevant, Hov. The point is that they’re saying it in public
Jay: A person that didn’t do it would just be like “no”
Leo: But if I say no, I sound like a homophobe that doesn’t find Caitlyn Jenner attractive and I’m not
Jay: You find Caitly-
Leo: This type of attention is venomous to the career of a marvelous cisgendered heterosexual white man like myself.
Jay: What does this have to do with me?
Leo: You own part of the company that owns the company that runs 73% of the ads in that magazine. I need you to pressure them to say it’s a lie
Jay: How do you even know that?
Leo: Venture capitalism is a small world. I know this type of stuff is new to you people.
Leo: Rappers, I mean.
Leo: Not blacks
Leo: People
Leo: Black people.
Leo: Not black people.
Leo: I’ve always known black venture capi-
Jay: Just say it’s a lie
Leo: Its more important that the motherfucking liars say it.
Leo: Please Jay
Leo: Who’s connections got you out of the stank when the Panama Papers scandal broke?
Jay:
Leo: You’re driving a semi over my balls right now, man
Jay: . . . I’ll see what I can do

*Leo hugs Jay Z like a brother that loaned him money to pay off the mafia*

Leo: You know you’re my favorite American of African descent?
Leo: With a penis?
Jay: No, I don’t.
Jay: I didn’t want to.
Leo: Hup. just got an Uber hit. Bout to go make this pick up then I’ll hit you for the up-diggity-date.
Jay: Whatever, man

*Leo gets into his black dodge neon and takes off up the street*

Jay: White people

*Meanwhile, in the basement of the Carter mansion, Naomi runs down stairs and kneels in front of Beyoncé obediently*

Naomi420: I apologize for my absence, Queen Bey, Lordess of Class. I required sustenance.
Bey: The Hawaiian twink says that you are a spy for Warner Brothers records.
Naomi420: This is a falsehood, my Queen
Bey: You know the punishment for spying against the Hive
Bruno: I never said it was her, you gunjumper, you.
Bey: I’m the gunjumper?
Bey: Why do you think I sent the white one with Kanye?

*A small orb rolls up to Beyoncé’s foot, sprouts 3 legs and climbs up her body to her ear. It’s a Samsung Galaxy Moon XTX 7 STLE*

Bey: Speak
BeckyGray: Prince is not in the suitcase!
Bey: Oh?
BeckyGray: I have failed you.
Bey: No, you have not. Please return to the mansion with Kanye and the Jenner so girls so that we may figure out where he’s gone.
BeckyGray: They escaped, my Queen, goddess of talent and emotion.
Bey: Abeg?
BeckyGray: When we found out that the suitcase was empty, they knocked me out and ran off. Kanye had considered turning Prince in with Wiz for his own selfish reasons.
Bey: Tsk. Look where you can for any of them. The acquisition of Prince is paramount, though.
BeckyGray: Of course, my Queen. I shall return to you immediately.
Bey: Good.

*Bey plucks the arachnid like phone off of her shoulder*

Bey: BeckyGray is our mole.
Naomi420: What!?
Slaybell: I will surgically remove her uterus!
Bey: No, I already knew. That’s why I sent Prince elsewhere. I knew that nincompo– Is Bruno Mars wired?
Slaybell: Oh my you, I forgot to check!

*Slaybell kneels immediately*

Slaybell: I have brought shame and danger to the Knowles bloodline
Bruno: I don’t wear wires, toots. You gotta pay good good good good good good good good good good good good money to record this voice.

*Slaybell Ric Flair slaps his throat*

*Bruno has an orgasm*

Bruno: I’m sorry. That’s like my G spot.

*Slaybell rips Bruno’s clothes off like they were made of paper mâche and begins aggressively rubbing all of his skin*

Naomi420: How did you know about BeckyGray?
Bey: because she’s my double agent. Being that she’s one of my closest white women, they figured she would be most likely to turn on me.
Bey: She’s so loyal that she wept and missed a week of work when I told her to accept Warner Bros offer. I have been purposely misleading her so that her truth is always the wrong truth.

*Slaybell pulls her hand out of Bruno’s rectum*

Slaybell: He’s clean. Literally and figuratively.
Naomi420: Why don’t you rub his balls while you’re at it?
Bruno: Days like this are why my hygiene regimen is so rigorous.
Bruno: Rigorous regimen
Bruno: Ima put that in a song
Bruno: What do you say, Bey?
Bruno: “You better stretch cuz its a rigorous regi-
Bey: Drag him into the bathroom, put his chair in the shower and turn it on, Slaybell.
Bey: You may stay and change the temperature as you please
Slaybell: Thank you, my Queen, The American Fashion Valkyrie,
Slaybell: Euphoria made flesh

*Slaybell begins dragging Bruno’s chair into the bathroom*

Bruno: Boy, wait until TMZ finds out you’re the Black Elizabeth Bathory!
Bey: Wait until TMZ finds your body

Naomi420: May I ask you a question, my queen?
Bey: Yes
Naomi420: Do you know where Prince is?
Bey: Actually, I do. . .

*A doorbell rings in a spacious mansion that looks like some shit out of a Land’s End catalog, but the furniture is for people that are actually rich*

Taylor Swift: Oh, gosh, I wonder who this could be?

*Taylor Swift opens the door*

Taylor: Hey, Mrs. Beyoncé’s mom!
Mama T: Its Mrs. Lawson.
Taylor: Of course. I apologize, Mrs. Lawson. I see you’ve brought “Kris Jenner”
Prince: Hello *Mrs. Doubtfire voice*

A SUIVRE

The Lemons Part 12

There is now an archive that you can access through the menu and the official schedule for the Lemons is every Friday. As much as I want to spoil everyone with two or three a week, I’m sure people would like me to make more of other stuff.

Yeah.

For this season, if you’d like to read the next part early, just make a donation. I won’t mention it again because I can’t have y’all thinking I’m a Joanne Prada.

Beyonce’s performing in Baltimore today and I ain’t get no tickets, so whole time, what’s good, though @Beyonce.

Now, without further ado.

____________________________________________________________________

*Jay and Ava walk off of the jet and see Viola Davis next to a pearl colored Cadillac*

Ava: Your hoes stay wit ya money, huh, bitch?
Viola: They aren’t my hoes if they don’t hahaha

*Ava and Viola hug*

Viola: So Octavia has some sort of medium coming over to help us.
Ava: I hope she told him to bring some tampons for the sink though
Jay: Hey, Viola
Viola: I can’t be seen speaking with you.
Viola: Ava does what she wants, but I have morals.
Jay: Over Lemonade?
Viola: Over your poor decision-making
Jay: We’re fine now
Viola: That’s not a reason to treat you like a human
Jay: Wow
Ava: Can we get this shit over with? I have important meetings tomorrow morning. Outsmarting white people and dodging Cocaine.
Lil Mama: Can I come?
Ava: What the shit?
Viola: Is that the popping lip gloss girl?
Jay: What in the hell are you doing on my jet?
Lil Mama: As you can see, I dressed as an attendant
Lil Mama: Nobody ever notices me, so disguises work very well
Ava: I don’t even care
Viola: I do. Does she even have experience with the supernatural?
Ava: Bitch, I don’t have experience in the supernatural. You need to get that stick out of your ass.
Viola: That’s rich coming from the one who has experience with things in her ass
Ava: Then take my advice when I say replace that stick with a dick
Jay: I guess I should be heading home
Viola: I guess you’re taking Lil Mama with you
Jay: No.
Viola: I will call Beyoncé right now
Ava: Nah, she can come. We might need a vessel.
Lil Mama: A vessel? Like blood?
Ava: Sure
Viola: For the love of God
Jay: See ya

*Jay runs to his chauffeured Maybach and jumps in the backseat*

Viola: Why do I hang out with you.
Ava: Because I’m dat bitch
Viola: is “dat” patois for “a stupid”?
Lil Mama: This is going to be fun! You ladies are so inspiring. I can already see I’m going to learn so much from you.
Viola: Okay, first thing you’re going to learn is how to shut up when grown folks are talking

*Back at the Carter mansion, Beyoncé gets an SOS from Becky Gray’s Iwatch *

Bey: Update
BeckyGray: Some asshole just rear ended us into a bush cough cough
Bey: Did you see who it was
BeckyGray: Its some skinny black guy in a Jean outfit with a joint in his mouth. I think he has history with Kanye
Bey: No, they just have a trollop in common; It must be Wiz Khalifa
BeckyGray: Amber Rose’s ex-husband? I didn’t know he looked like a cartoon meerkat.
Bey: Yeah, that’s Cameron.
Bruno: LOL
Bruno: I told you I’m a great staller

*Slaybell grabs Bruno’s face and pries his mouth open. Beyoncé walks over, puts on silk gloves and begins to put her hand in Bruno’s mouth*

Beyoncé: Is he looking for Computer Blue?
BeckyGray: A computer? I thought he was looking for Prince?
Bey: . . . Yes
BeckyGray: Ohhhh
BeckyGray: Yes, he mentioned it. He’s arguing with Kanye now.
Bey: They cannot have Prince.

*Bey hangs up the phone*

Bruno: gggghhhdrlglskdls
Bey: Hush

.*Beyoncé jerks her hand out of Bruno’s mouth as Slaybell pushes his head forward and lets him vomit all over himself*

Bruno:. . . If this is some so-

*Slaybell pulls his forehead and chin apart and Beyoncé jams her hand in his mouth again. Bruno throws up before she gets her hand all the way out.*

Bruno: Huuurrgghh. . . the stalling. . . right. . . its

*Beyoncé puts two fingers in Bruno’s mouth and he gags violently*

Bruno: The fucking mole. There’s a. . . oh god. . . there’s a mole.
Slaybell: Who is it?
Bruno: Did you notice anyone is missing?

*Beyoncé puts her ungloved index finger and thumb on the bridge of her nose*

Slaybell: Fucking Naomi
Bruno: I mean, who can you trust, really? They’ve been planning this for a few decades, Beyoncé.
Bey: Slaybell, I want you to text Naomi to return to me or her niece will die.

*Slaybell pulls out her phone and brings Beyoncé’s command to fruition*

*At the car crash, Kanye and Wiz argue as the women look on*

Kanye: I take back what I said about your pants being cool
Wiz: Who gives a fuck? I’m here for Prince, bruh
Kanye: Why? How does having Prince help you?
Wiz: Any Warner Bros artists that brings Prince in gets to go through his catalogue first.
Wiz: Ima give them to my Taylor Gang producers, they gonna chop them up and I’ma make some Marijuana music masterpieces, fool
Kanye: Wait . . . So you’ll have access to his whole catalogue for sampling?
Wiz: I’m pretty sure I just said that
Wiz: I’m surprised you not trying to turn him in, nigga
Kanye: . . . Shit, me too
Kendall: What?
Kanye: I’m just saying

*BeckyGray cocks her shotgun and points it at Kanye*

Kylie: Omg!
Kanye: I’M ON YOUR SIDE
BeckyGray: I’m on Beyoncé’s side
Wiz: Beyoncé not here
BeckyGray: You can both die. The police won’t even care.
Kanye: Wow
Kendall: Holy shit
BeckyGray: Its politically incorrect but it’s literally correct so don’t fucking push me. Neither of you are Biggie or Tupac and we still don’t know who killed them.
BeckyGray: I will kill anyone that’s not Beyoncé, so

*Kanye grabs for BeckyGray’s gun as Kylie dives for her legs*

*Kanye successfully takes the shotgun from BeckyGray as she falls to the ground and lands hard on her side*

Kendall: OH MY GOD

*Kanye turns the gun on BeckyGray When Wiz Khalifa jumps on Kanye’s back, causing Kanye to fire and shoot the back window of the Benz out*

*Kendall dives to the ground and crawls in front of the Benz*

*BeckyGray and Kylie tussle on the ground approximately 25 feet away from Kanye and Wiz. Kylie has the upper hand due to having to hold down Tyga during his night terrors.*

*Wiz and Kanye grapple effeminately, Kanye pulling Wiz’s hair and Wiz pulling Kanye’s shirt over his head*

*Kendall suddenly remembers Prince and runs over to the trunk to open the suitcase*

*BeckyGray crawls away as Kylie tries to pull her back*

BeckyGray: NO

*Kendall pops the trunk open and unzips the suitcase*

Kendall: Wow. Prince isn’t even here you guys. . .

*Meanwhile, at Aretha Franklin’s house. . . *

Taraji: Fat Patty chatting looking like somebody granny
Taraji: Patty just a maddy cuz her daddy call me Daddy
Taraji: He got up in my panties started tonguing down my fanny
Aretha: This is filthy
Taraji: Exactly. You never seen a rap battle? Fight Klub?
Aretha: Fight Club sucked and what does that have to with rap fighting?
Taraji: Talking about fucking her dad is some next level shit. See, you could’ve said her man, but saying her favva is like saying “I’m your mommy, bitch”
Aretha: I don’t want to be her mommy and I don’t want no old man eating my butt
Taraji: So you don’t get your salad tossed?
Aretha: I said “no old man”
Taraji: Damn, shawty, okay
Aretha: You been quiet
Solange: I’m sorry. I just can’t help write a mean song about Patti Labelle
Aretha: Girl, you not really dissing her yourself. You ghostwriting for me. Look at it like that.
Taraji: You need a trap beat.
Aretha: A what?
Taraji: A trap beat. That’s the hot sound on the radio right now.
Aretha: I don’t listen to no damn radio. I use Apple Music or Juventud sings to me.
Taraji: Okay
Solange: Why don’t you guys just, like, squash your beef?
Aretha: You sound like goddamn Whitney
Aretha: “girl, ain’t no point in y’all beefing. Y’all important black women and we need to stick together.”
Aretha: Inside her nose looking like the damn Swiss Alps.
Taraji: I’m telling you, get you on some trap shit with some fire ad-libs and you gonna kill it.
Aretha: Don’t be talking all that Empire shit at me, please.
Taraji: Hmph
Solange: I’m telling you, being the bigger woman is a better diss than singing about fucking her dad.
Taraji: Says who? Did you “be the bigger woman” and forgive your brother-in-law?
Taraji: Or did you kick him?
Solange:
Aretha: But you want me to make up with Patti LaDamnBelle
Juventud: Aretha, you have a guest.
Aretha: Let her in. She’s right on time.

*Juventud runs over to the door and a few seconds later Lauryn Hill walks in*

Taraji: I didn’t expect this
Lauryn: Sorry I was late, Ms. Franklin
Aretha: No, you were right on time. I told you to be here two hours ago on purpose.
Lauryn: . . . My energy is disturbed. I must go realign my spiritual essence.
Aretha: You walk out of this house, you gonna wake up back in this house tied to a chair.
Aretha: We’ll have a re-do.
Lauryn: Yes, ma’am.

*Lauryn Hill sits next to Solange who turns away from her*

Lauryn: You’re still upset
Solange: Of course I am. Many girls were looking forward to seeing you at the young DJs for womanism loft party and panel discussion.
Lauryn: My energy wasn’t in the right place. I had to find where my energy had gone.
Solo: Maybe it’s with your babies’ father and whatever model he marrying now
Taraji: Oop!
Solo: Did he ever propose to you or were you late to that?

*Taraji slides out of the couch and onto the floor*

Lauryn: Mrs. Aretha, I MUST leave the room. I can’t work with such negative auras present.
Aretha: Whatever

*Lauryn Hill goes out back to smoke a cigarette*

Aretha: you would think she would wanna get this money since she out here ducking the IRS and dressing like Johnny Depp
Aretha: Now where was all that when I asked you to shit on Patti?
Solo: I don’t fuck with her
Taraji: Do you fuck with anybody?
Aretha: I know she better not ash on my damn lawn. Beyoncé been bringing me kimono dragon dookie to put on the grass.

*Aretha gets up to go check on her grass*

Taraji: This not just some “DJing womanist” shit, is it?
Solo: There’s also the “supposed to do a joint album but never came to the studio because it turns out she was down the street smoking hookah” shit
Solo: The “RSVP’d to my wedding and never showed but offered to house sit for us if she could bring all 39 of her kids” shit
Taraji: So there was some shit.
Taraji: What the hell she gonna help write anyway? Y’all hoes be making Mary McLeod Bethune songs and shit. Aretha need to hit that bitch where it hurts.
Solo: I think we should trick them into meeting each other.
Taraji: Like some Love and Hip Hop shit? The fuck wrong with you?
Solo: Whitney Houston was right. They’re too old to be fighting with each other like this
Taraji: Being “too old” don’t stop men from doing shit, so I don’t see your point.
Solo: I’m going to tell them to meet at my sister’s house
Taraji: I’m leaving
Solo: You wanted to help
Taraji: Write a damn diss, not watch an old lady street fight
Solo: You’re being negative by assuming they would fight
Taraji: You being dumb by assuming they won’t fight
Taraji: Patti called her a hippopotamus

*Solo puts her hand on her chin and tries to devise a plan to squash Patti and Aretha’s war*

Juventud: Where is, uh, where is Aretha?
Taraji: She went out back. You look like you just saw your first donkey show.
Juventud: She has a. . . oh boy . . . she has a guest
??? : and I ain’t no donkey, I know that for damn sure

*Patti Labelle walks into the living room with a camera man and a guy holding a boom mic*

Patti: Where that grumpy old heffer?

O SHIT WADDUP

The Lemons Part 11

PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4 PART 5 PART 6 PART 7 PART 8 PART 9 PART 10

FYI, this season I’ll be offering the chance to read the next part of the Lemons early as thank you for any donations received.

Now, without further ado

____________________________________________________________________

*Bruno Mars wakes up with his ankles and wrists tied to a chair. He looks around to no avail; It’s like his eyes are covered in Vaseline*

BeckyGray: He’s waking up

*Slaybell walks up and slaps the shit out of Bruno. Like, remember when Laurence Fishburne played Ike Turner and he walked in the diner, cocked his hand back and threw the slap. Like that slap*

Bruno: I. . . I. . .

Bruno: I can see! You’re like a miracle worker!

*Slaybell slaps him again*

Slaybell: Your facetiousness shall be the foreplay before your death

*Bruno realizes that he’s in the Carter mansion’s basement. He sees Kanye sketching in a notepad as Kylie and Kendall watch and occasionally point. Beyoncé and Slaybell stand before Bruno, arms crossed. Prince reads an organic food blog on his kindle behind BeckyGray and Naomi420*

Bruno: Aw, man, it’s like a fan fiction in here or something

Prince: If it isn’t the Morris Day impersonator.

Bruno: I hope he was flattered. I made him more relevant than Purple Rain ever did.

Prince: You wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for Purple Rain

Bruno: *Thinks about it and kinda sees where he’s coming from*

Bruno: I didn’t kill that J. Cole guy did I?

Bey: No, semi-fortunately

Bey: How long have you been tracking Prince?

Bruno: Speaking of track, I love your hair. Where did you

*Slaybell puts her foot on his chest and kicks him over just to lift his chair back into position*

Bruno: For the record, my safe word is jellyfish

*Slaybell gently puts her foot down on his crotch and presses down slowly*

Bruno: jellyfish Jellyfish Jellyfish!

Bruno: JELLYFISH

Slaybell: I don’t use safe words

Bey: That’s enough, general

*Slaybell stops short of turning his genitals into sauce*

Bey: How long have you been tracking us?

Bruno: Ch.

Bruno: Like 3 days. When Madonna failed, they called me up. They had a hunch he was with you and figured I could use our friendship to find out.

Bey: We performed together at the Super Bowl once

Bruno: And how many people can say they share that bond?

Bey: Stop thinking we’re friends

Bruno: This isn’t personal. We just want Prince.

Prince: And you can’t have Prince.

Bruno: Then you have to die.

Beyoncé: You’re famous already; why are you doing their dirty work?

Bruno: Well, anyone that brings Prince in gets first dibs on his unreleased catalogue

Bruno: And who’s a better choice than me to take Prince songs and treat them like he made them?

Slaybell: D’Angelo

Prince: Janelle Monae

BeckyGray: Young Thug

Kanye: James Blake

Bruno: Oh fucking kay

Bruno: Geez

Naomi420: So what shall we do with him, Queen Beyoncé, Dutchess of Legs, Jaguar of the South?

Bey: He’ll stay his ass right here. I should’ve tied Prince to a chair years ago.

Prince: That actually came up in a dream once

Bey: Kanye, I think it’s about time you and your coven took Prince to Taylor’s house.

Bey: BeckyGray will be joining you, since you are a doofus.

Kanye: Why do I have to do any of this?

Slaybell: Because she said it

Kanye: I’m starting to not like this one.

Bey: Another reason she is highly favored

Bey: Please leave. We’ll be keeping Bruno company until he comes around.

Bruno: There are methods for making me come around, but it wouldn’t be fun if I told you

*Naomi gives that nigga a titty twister*

Bruno: Gaaahhhh

Bruno: Lady Gaga is much better at this torture stuff than you guys

*Kanye, Kendall, Kylie and Becky walk Prince out of the basement*

Bruno: This is much better. No dudes.

*KKK, Prince and BeckyGray walk into the foyer*

Kendall: We can’t just take Prince outside. We have to hide him in something.

Prince: I’ve found that I can fit in certain suitcases

Kanye: . . . You “found”?

Prince: I have to tell you about Grace Jones’ parties sometimes

*Mama T and Blue Ivy walk in*

Mama T: Tabitha? What are you doing here? Holding a shotgun?

Blue: Hi, Prince Prince. Hi, Mr. Kanye. Hi, North’s aunts.

BeckyGray: Following your daughter’s orders, Tina

Mama T: I can’t believe it

Mama T: You’re a damn Beyhive nutjob

BeckyGray: I am Liutenant of the California Hive and I am currently of utmost importance to your daughter

BeckyGray: Kanye, Khloe and Kris, I will be outside securing the perimeter.

*BeckyGray walks out of the door*

Mama T: And what are you doing here?

Kanye: Uh, Prince is alive

Mama T: I knew that. I want to know what that has to do with you and Caitlyn’s spawn

Prince: They’re, uh, escorting me to another location.

Kendall: Wait, which one of us is supposed to be Kris.

Kylie: Who cares? One is old and one is fat!

Kendall: Khloe’s not even fat anymore!

Kylie: Well, she’s still bigger than I am!

Kanye: Guys

Kanye: Guys, that’s it!

Kanye: Let’s dress Prince as Kris. They kinda look similar with shades and Prince’s current outfit.

Prince: . . . What

Mama T: Nah, he’s right, I can see it now. Give him a headwrap, too.

Prince: I need to get one of my scarves from my safe, then.

BeckyGray: The hell if you are

Prince: When did you-

Prince: Well I’m getting in a suitcase, then

Blue: Can I get in a suitcase?

Mama T: No, baby. Mind your business. Matter of fact, go ahead up stairs.

*Blue runs up the big ass spiral staircase to the second floor*

Prince: May I ask how you two know each other?

Mama T: She used to come to highlights and get typical “I like black dick” hair-dos

Prince: Uh huh

Mama T: She fucked two of my side niggas and we’ve been Eskimo sisters ever since.

Prince: Yes, I love making Eskimo sisters.

Kanye: I’d love to get going. I’m still Kanye, you know, and I have places to be.

Kylie: What are we going to do with Prince, though?

*Meanwhile, in the basement, Beyoncé receives a phone call*

Bruno: Ooh, let me answer it. It might be Warner Bros telling you to surrender.

Bey: Eat a dick

*Bey answers the phone*

Bey: Baby

Jay: I missed you

Bey: Yes

Jay: We found Frank.

Bey: Let me speak with him.

Jay: See, he’s not here.

Bey: Then you didn’t find him.

Jay: We did. He decided to go his own way. He doesn’t want to be found right now.

Bey: I’m pretty sure I’m the one that fucking told you to find Frank. I didn’t say “Find Frank for Frank”.

Jay: Well he’s a grown man and he made his choice. What else do you want me to do?

Bey: die and leave me all of your business ventures

Jay: Besides that

Bey: Eat my pussy every hour

Jay: I shouldn’t have as-

Bey: Stop leaving plates and cups in the goddamn 3^rd floor movie theater

Jay: I meant what else did you want me to do about Frank?

Bey: Stop exasperating me

Bey: It turns out that they are here for him.

Jay: Here for him?

Bey: He who is I am

Jay: Babe, do you have to use code? These phones are extra encrypted.

Bey: Yes

Bey: Assless chaps

Jay: Ahh, shit

Bey: They sent the uptown funk boy but he is currently indisposed

Jay: You can’t keep killing people, baby

Bey: 1. I did no such thing

Bey: 2. I will do as I please

Bey: 3. Fuck you

Jay: If I’m lucky

Bey: Don’t be cheeky with me.

Jay: Only if you’ll be cheeky with me.

*Bey presses the end button and puts her phone into the pocket of her IVY PARK logo slim leg jogger pants with ergonomic seaming*

*Jay Z and Ava sit in a private jet, only a few hours away from LA*

Jay: She didn’t actually threaten to kill me, so that’s a plus

Ava: I’m just glad she does threaten you

Ava: She threatened to peel a bitch skin off but ain’t say nothing about hurting you

Ava: Felt kinda patriarchy-ish

Jay: So when does this Coolie High movie film?

Ava: Like, August? I don’t know, I’m not doing that shit

Ava: You subject switching swine

Jay: You’re not doing it?

Ava: Fuck no. Pass that shit to Lee Daniels’ goofy ass.

Ava: Disney saw that trash ass X-men movie and they want the rights back, right?

Jay: Right

Ava: So, I’m pitching a Storm movie to these niggas.

Jay: Okay

Ava: She the most prominent black woman with superpowers so I’m bout to get this fucking Internet nerd fetti.

Ava: Think of the gifs and the twitter names

Ava: Ororo Monhoe’s as far as the eye can see, fam

Jay: Yeah, comic book movies are making a killing.

Ava: And people are sick of these men and their dicks beating each other up

Ava: Its time for some women to beat you up

Ava: And, look, and then we do the Black Panther mash up where they get married

Ava: Ima be on set with the finest actors and actresses the African diaspora has to offer. I

*Ava grabs Jay’s arm, leans back and shakes a little bit*

Ava: I just wanna die better than Oprah

Jay: You want to die a better death or

Ava: I want her to bow to me, blimplips

Ava: My drill is the drill that will pierce the heavens, my nigga

Ava: Yooo, where the dude that rubbed my feet last time that looks like Zayn Malik

Attendant: Right here, ma’am

Ava: Do that shit

*back at the Carter mansion, Beyoncé paces back and forth as Slaybell glares at Bruno Mars, still restrained and smiling*

Bruno: I’m starting to cool down. If this is to make the pain worse when you start again, I have to say I’m impressed.

Bruno: Very Gaga-esq-

Slaybell: Quiet

Bruno: . . .

Bruno: Okay

*Slaybell starts to walk toward him, but is stopped by Beyoncé*

Bey: We will not play his games in my house.

Bruno: Yeah, I’m just stalling anyway

Bey: Okay

Bruno: We’re going to get Prince from Kanye

Bruno: One of you is not like the others

Slaybell: You sound like a fool

Bruno: I sound like I’m good at stalling

*Beyoncé walks over to a porcelain vase, picks it up and throws it at Bruno Mars’ face*

Bruno: OKAY OW

Slaybell: My Queen!

Bey: It’s fine. It’s one of my throwing vases.

Slaybell: Oh. Okay, whew.

Bey: What are you stalling for

Bruno: Them to take Prince. Not good with context clues, huh?

Bey: I’m getting my glove

*Beyoncé goes up the steps*

Slaybell: lmao

*Kanye pulls a hefty luggage to the really awesome Benz as Kylie, Kendall and BeckyGray follow behind him*

Kylie: This is still really weird. Where are the komodo dragons?

BeckyGray: They were euthanized because you ruined their diet.

BeckyGray: They eat caribou that are raised on a diet of special herbs and vegetables not found in the Americas. They’re set free into the yard in the dead of night and then devoured.

BeckyGray: You gave them common store meat and now their manure is worthless.

Kanye: That shit don’t make sense.

Kanye: Haaa pun

*Kanye pops the trunk and tosses the suitcase into it. They all jump in the car and pull off, Kanye in the driver seat and Becky in the passenger.*

Kanye: Okay, can I stop home

Kendall: But Beyoncé said to take him to Taylor immediately

BeckyGray: What the girl said

Kanye: “Immediate” is such a relative term, you know? What is immediate?

Kylie: Occurring or done at once; Instant.

Kanye: What th-? How did you-.

Kylie: Wikipedia

Kanye: But that fast? Really?

BeckyGray: I saw Naomi shoot your phone

Kendall: We need to take him or else something bad might happen. I don’t want Beyoncé to kill me.

Kanye: She can’t kill us. We’re invincible! We’re American Royalty!

Kanye: Did you see my shoes? No one would kill someone wearing these shoes, bro.

BeckyGray: I would kill you no matter what shoes you’re wearing

BeckyGray: Pop, right in the forehead

Kanye: Not co-

*THE BENZ IS SUDDENLY REAR ENDED, CAUSING THEM TO SWERVE AND CRASH INTO A BUSH BIG ENOUGH TO STOP A DAMN CAR*

*THE AIRBAGS DEPLOYED AND SHIT*

*Kanye rolls out of the car as BeckyGray and the Jenner girls crawl out of the other side*

Kanye: What the fuck, bro

Kanye: THIS ISN’T LIT

???: What up, fool

*Kanye looks up to see Wiz Khalifa standing next to a black Dodge Challenger with a mangled front bumper*

*Wiz lights a joint and puts it to his lips*

Wiz: . . .

Wiz: hehehehehehehehe

TO BE CONTINUED

The Lemons Part 10

PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4 PART 5 PART 6 PART 7 PART 8 PART 9

____________________________________________________________________

*Beyoncé, Taraji and Solo sit in Aretha Franklin’s living room as Bey receives a semi-urgent phone call*

Prince: I’m in the basement pool

Prince: So no sweat bottle

Bey: I think you’ll be sleeping between Neil and his husband

Prince: Bluhyeck!

Bey: Did you see who the culprits were?

Prince: Not really. It was a guy and two skinny girls. They had on the whole burglar get up.

Prince: Well, the guy had a weird diamond encrusted mask and black Swarovski crystals on his hoo-

Bey: Kanye and his sister-minions

Prince: Lol Kanye West?

Prince: Why would that douchebag be here?

Bey: Because Tyler can’t keep his mouth shut

Prince: I don’t know why you let that boy in your house

Bey: I don’t know why I let you in my house. I am on my way.

Bey: Solo, we have to go.

Aretha: So, soon? We have to write my songs.

Bey: So Juventud isn’t gonna kill her?

Aretha: I’d prefer it, honestly

Solo: No, Ms. Franklin. Please.

Bey: Then you help her write the damn song. Shit.

Taraji: Ima stay. I want to hear about more murders.

Aretha: You the feds?

Bey: I’m leaving.

*Beyoncé leaves Aretha’s fifth home and walks down the street to unass Nightwilllow from Alfonso’s fence*

Alfonso: Oh, hello, Beyoncé. I didn’t see you there.

*Alfonso Ribeiro comes from behind Nightwilllow wearing a silver Tom Ford suit*

Alfonso: Do you need assistance?

Bey: Yes. Please get yourself away from me.

Alfonso: Hahahahaha. You are an ar-eye-oh-tee riot lol

Bey: Why would you ask me for assistance and then not assist me

Alfonso: Look, hey, I was hoping we could go to dinner an-

Bey: I release an album about infidelity and you, a married dumb ass, asks me, a married woman out to dinner

Alfonso: You didn’t let me finish heh heh

Alfonso: We could go on a double date! I’d love to meet Jay! and Blue!

Bey: And I’d love to meet your dignity

*Beyoncé mounts Nightwillow*

Bey: Do the Carlton dance

Alfonso: *Does the Carlton dance*

*Beyoncé rides off towards her home to undo all of the stupid shit going on right now*

*Meanwhile, in Prince’s secret villapartment, KKK frantically search for an escape from the unknown gas shooting from the ceiling*

*Kendall emerges from the pink pool as Kanye and Kylie search the rooms for an exit*

Kendall: There’s a grate underwater. I think we can use it to get out.

Kanye: Awesome.

*Kanye dives underwater to look for the grate and also spots an interesting engraving on the marble island*

*Kendall begins pulling the grate*

*Kanye swims in closer and realizes it is a sculpture of a woman. He feels around the engraving and finds a button on, you guessed it, the clitoris*

*Kanye swims back up for air and sees Kylie snapchatting herself jerking off a fertility statue*

Kanye: KYLIE

Kylie: Oh my god, what!?

Kanye: NOT ONLY IS THAT DISRESPECTFUL, BUT YOU ARE WASTING TIME. IF YOU DIE, YOUR SISTERS WILL KILL ME.

Kylie: Fine, gosh

Kanye: YOU KNOW, I USUALLY BRING DON C AND MANO FOR SHIT LIKE THIS BUT KHLOE REALLY VOUCHED FOR YOU GUYS

Kylie: Cool, I guess

*KKK head back under water where Kanye goes directly to the engraving. He presses the button between the statues legs and slides 3 fingers into a hole beneath it. The grate suddenly slides open and KKK swim towards it*

*Meanwhile, Jay Z, Lil Mama and Azealia Banks pull up outside of a basic looking duplex in queens somewhere*

Azealia: Okay, we’re fucking here

Jay: Such a foul mouth

Azealia: And Kingdom Come was such a foul album

Jay: Yeesh

*They walk up to the duplex and Azealia presses in a code to unlock the door. They walk up like 3 flights of stairs before Azealia pulls out keys and unlocks the apartment door*

*They walk into a modern art nuevo what the fuck full of white furniture and paintings that stuck up people won’t admit are ugly*

Jay: When you said shitty, I thought you meant like

Azealia: Like poor? Wow, fuck you. All of this was paid for by generous white cuckolds, I’ll have you know

Lil Mama: cuckold?

Azealia: Yes, cuckolds. Watch-me-fuck-black-men-and-drink-the-nut cuckolds

Jay: Could’ve done without that

Azealia: Whatever

*Azealia walks past the living room and to a door bearing a knob with a keyhole. Azealia turns around and one foot donkey kicks the door*

Azealia: A camel and a cockroach came to see you.

*The door opens to show frank Ocean in an elaborate ice blue kaftan and mahfuckin uhhhhh Bruce Lee shoes*

Frank: Azealia, I always ask tha-

Frank: Mr. Carter! Niatia!

Frank:. . . I’ve been found

Jay: I’m starting to think this wasn’t a kidnapping at all.

Frank: It wasn’t

Lil Mama: Gasp!

Jay: So. . . you voluntarily moved in with her?

Frank: Yes

Frank: You see, fame just came so fast and to be thrown into the A-list so swiftly . . .

Frank: They found Earl, so I knew they’d find me. I decided to try someplace where people would never look

Jay: And no one looks at Azealia

Frank: Exactly. Her personality is so off-putting that the paparazzi don’t even look for her any more.

Azealia: I’m still here, bitch

Jay: but why does she have your phone?

Frank: Hers is off and it’s not like I’m using mine.

Jay: You know you could’ve stayed with me and Bey

Frank: So everyone would know where to come ask for new songs? No thanks

Frank: No offense, I love you guys, but I love my solitude even more

Jay: I respect that

Azealia: Now kiss

Jay: Well, you know me and Bey are always working on new stuff that we’d love help on. Plus having you around might keep the lady a little more calm lol.

Azealia: Wow, just like black men to completely ignore the black woman, right, Niatia

Lil Mama: And I’d love for you to teach me yoga techniques and whatever you be doing

Frank: Minuswell now that you know where I am. No music stuff, though

Lil Mama: No music stuff. Got It.

Jay: So I guess I’ll just let Bey know you’re safe.

Azealia: This is gay

Frank: and let her know I miss her. I’ll have to tour and be in the open eventually, so this won’t be the last time we cross paths this year

Jay: Indeed

Azealia: *screams at the top of her lungs*

Jay: On that note, I’m gone. Peace, Frankie. We have to get Ava Duvernay.

Frank: Ava is here? Why didn’t you bring her? She’s hilarious.

Jay: She–How do you even know each other?

Frank: I was supposed to be in a movie.

Frank: Turns out there was no movie. She just tricked me and Jussie Smollett into wrestling in singlets.

Jay: Hokay

Frank: It was. . . nice though. The cinematography was excellent.

*Frank gives Jay and Lil Mama hugs before they exit the apartment. Azealia put her arms up for a hug but no one noticed*

*Back at the Carter mansion, Prince sits on a floating chair in the basement pool and practically falls asleep until*

??? : Wake up, Mr. Prince

Prince: *shrieks*

Prince: Who the fudge?

*At the end of the pool stands a college-aged black girl with short blue dreadlocks, a 60 year old white woman in Lululemon workout clothes and an approximately 6’2″ middle-aged black woman in a motorcycle jumpsuit like the one on kill bill*

Prince: Yay! Beyoncé finally sent me some lil buddies.

*Prince wiggles his fingers giddily*

Prince: Okay, the geriatric Anglo-Saxon can leave.

Kill Bill jumpsuit: That won’t be happening, sir.

Dreadlocks: The Queen, most glorious and heralded, insisted that we all come to protect you

Prince: Look, I might not be the tallest tool in the shed, but I can hold my own Prince: Who are y’all, anyway? Beyoncé doesn’t usually deal with people that don’t have Wikipedia entries.

Dreadlocks: I am NaomiCampbellWalk420, Princess of the Virginia Beyhive. Nice to meet you.

White Lady: BeckyWithTheGrayHair, Lieutenant of the California Beyhive. I’m a really big fan, really.

Kill Bill Jumpsuit: Slaybell, General of the West Coast Beyhive. Hello.

Slaybell: Queen Beyoncé, the blazing sun of Texas, America’s eagle and The World’s Blessing, contacted us and informed us that you were to be confiscated.

Prince: She may have meant consummated.

*Slaybell squints at Prince, causing him to squirm uneasily*

Prince: Soooo

Prince: You’re not freaked out I’m alive?

BeckyGray: The Queen, her illuminated Majesty, alerted the top ranked of your feigned death. Under the impossible circumstances that anything should happen to the Queen, some of us shall converge on your location.

Prince: For little ol’ me, though? I am so flattered. This is charming.

Prince: which one of y’all gonna help a brother get out of the pool? I can’t inform y’all about the glory of jehovah from over here.

*As Prince attempts to paddle himself to the edge of the pool, Kanye, Kendall then Kylie pop their heads out of the center of the lavish oasis*

Slaybells: The So-Arrogant!

Naomi420: Lord of Assholes!

BeckyGray: The Fashion Jester!

Prince: So I see you found my favorite escape hatch. How you found out how many fingers to use is beyond me.

Kanye: How many–Oh. Yeah, I always use 3 fingers lol

Prince: That… says enough.

Naomi420: The Queen, Sword of Oshun and Killer of Dick, commanded that you and the Jenner Twins remain here.

Kanye: That’s fine. We need to talk anyway

Kanye: Did you call me a fashion jester?

Prince: So I assume you were looking for me. I’m here now.

Kanye: So you’re really alive?

Prince: No

Kanye: You’re a ghost?

Prince: No, dummy. I was being sarcastic.

Kanye: But why are you here? Why are these things happening?

Prince: Lol its funny, right

*flashback on dem folk*

*Prince rides his bike through his garden in his Paisley Park compound. Suddenly, a persian cat runs out in front of him*

*Prince screeches to a stop*

Prince: Aphrodite Honeycomb Rogers, what are you doing?

*Prince gets off of his bike and walks over to the cat*

Prince: Tsk tsk I don’t want my favorite pussy getting fleas

Prince: Well, 56th favorite

*Prince suddenly ducks as a tranquilizer dart flies over his head*

*He runs towards his bike before it’s peppered with bullets, forcing him to run and jump over a low wall by the road*

Prince: I really wish people put this much effort into getting George Zimmerman.

*Prince pulls some pellets out of the pocket of his velvet biking pants*

??? : You could always just surrender, baby.

Prince: And you could always go get back in your coffin, Madonna

Madonna: hahahaha I’ve always loved your sense of humor

Prince: I’ve always loved that you think I’m joking

Prince: I guess Warner Bros took it seriously when I said “over my dead body”

Madonna: You’ve long overstayed your welcome, Prince.

Prince: Talk about the pot calling the kettle old

*Madonna lifts a Tavor rifle closer to her armpit and looks down the scope. 3 Warner Bros agents slowly walk behind her.*

Madonna: Look, you know that you of all people can’t keep your rights to your work. You’re too prolific of a musician to have all of that profit to yourself.

Madonna: WB would prefer if you came to them with a heartbeat. You know, so you can make us more music.

Prince: Only if everyone accepts the light of Jehovah so that we may all continue partying in paradise forever

Madonna: Oh my God, shut the fu-

*3 pellets shoot from behind the wall and explode into clouds of dark gray smoke*

Madonna: *cough* find that little buttermilk asshole! *cough cough*

* the agents run in different directions out of the smoke as Madonna hacks and coughs into her left hand*

Madonna: I can’t beli-

*Prince jumps on to Madonna’s back and puts her in a rear naked choke*

Madonna: You think you’re. . . any worse than–ungh–Sean Penn?

*Madonna jumps backwards and lands on top of Prince*

Prince: Oof!

*Madonna jumps up and scrambles for her rifle but when she turns around, Prince is gone*

Madonna: Son of a stupid ass goddamn bitch!

*Prince breathes heavily through his mouth and holds his nose in a sewer beneath Paisley Park as he looks at the plastic manhole cover he dropped through. He proceeds to lift his velvet pants as high as they can go and tip toe along the tunnel walkway. . . *

*/Flashback*

Prince: So, yeah, I called Beyoncé and she agreed to let me renovate Blue Ivy’s old playroom into my own playroom, which any of you who are welcome to see.

*crickets*

Prince: Okay

Prince: She picked me up in her Ferrari while I’m smelling like dag-on waste, and we’ve been roommates ever since.

Bey: I wouldn’t say roommates

*meanwhile in New York, Jay Z, Lil Mama and Matthew McConaughey pull up to see Ava Duvernay at a craps game*

Jay: *rolls window down* Ava

Ava: Wait

Ava: Nigga give me my money.

Dude: Who this bitch talking to? She must think I’m one of these incense niggas

Ava: I think you a bitch cuz you won’t even address me

Dude: Call me another bi-

*Ava gives the nigga a straight right to the throat and he immediately starts wheezing and falling backwards*

One nigga: Ohhhh shit

*Ava walks around the dude and starts L’ing him out*

Ava: You don’t wanna listen and now you gotta go to bed early you fucking coward ass nigga

Other nigga: yo chill, I think he dying

Ava: Good. It’ll be easier to get my money

*One dude takes out his phone and starts recording footage*

*Ava pushes the guy over and runs his pockets. She gives a few bills to a random dude in a Polo.*

Ava: and here’s 200 for you for being cute

Polo guy: And what’s your name, ma?

Ava: Charlie Baltimore

*Ava snatches the phone from Snitchbitch McRecordingShit and jumps into the Uber with Jay and Lil Mama*

Jay: Okay, wow

Ava: Where’s my baby Frank?

Lil Mama: He’s staying wit-

Jay: His boyfriend in Honduras soon. We saved him and he caught a plane there.

Ava: This nigga smh

Jay: So you just choke niggas out in your spare time?

Ava: I got my money. I don’t really see what we need to discuss.

Jay: How many times have you done this

Ava: Its none of your business, but if we not counting sex, about 3 dozen times

Ava: One dozen was Don Cheadle

Ava: He play too fucking much

Ava: What happened to Azealia?

Jay: Skai Jackson ran her off twitter and she shut down and went into hiding

Jay: She let Frank go out of shame or something

Ava: Mm-hm

Ava: well the little desiigner boy gonna be in my movie.

Ava: Oh, that’s right. You wanna be in my Coolie High remake, Lil Mama?

Lil Mama: Of course I would, Miss Ava! I would be honored!

Ava: “Miss Ava”. We like the same age, whore

Ava: We gonna show that bitch Tionne

Lil Mama: What?

Ava: And her giraffe

Matthew: Ava goddamn Duvernay

Ava: Matthew McLoughlin

Matthew: Hahaha, I haven’t seen you since the Oscar party

Ava: You the nigga from Reign of Fire?

Matthew: Yep

Ava: That shit was ass, yo

Matthew: I hope it was your ass cuz that thang looking mighty fine

Ava: Why is he here?

*Moolah by Young Greatness plays from Ava’s pocket. She reaches in and pulls out her phone.*

Ava: Yah

Ava: Oh my god, you still mad about that

Ava: I don’t even remember the cat’s names

Ava: All of us?

Ava: I can’t just send some spit or some hair or some shit?

Ava: Put who on?

Ava: Tuh

Ava: Bitch, bye

*Ava hangs up the phone*

Ava: So soon as I get back to Cali, I gotta go to Octavia Spencer house

Jay: What’s going on with her?

Ava: Remember I told you that we summoned a spirit at her house?

Jay: When?

Ava: Wow, you don’t fucking listen. I see why Beyoncé embarrassing you like this

Jay:

Ava: She need me and Viola there to get the ghost out or whatever

Lil Mama: So you saying ghosts are real.

Ava: I don’t know about all that, but I can say that blood came out that bitch bathroom sink.

Jay: You sure it was blood?

Ava: Nigga, you think I don’t know what blood look like?

Ava: Why don’t you try bleeding out your pussy once a month and asking that question again.

Jay: Yeesh

*Back at the Carter mansion*

BeckyGray: The Shining Goddess of Houston

Naomi420: The Lioness of the Dawn

SlayBells: The GodFlower

*The Beyhive soldiers kneel in unison in Beyoncé’s direction*

Bey: Ladies, you may stand.

*The hive leaders stand*

Bey: I want all of you imbeciles out of my favorite pool.

*Everyone swims to the pool edges*

Kanye: So you weren’t going to tell me about Prince?

Bey: It was clearly none of your goddamn business

Slaybell: Should I kill him?

Bey: No

Kanye: Wow. You’re treating me like Lemonade was about me.

Bey: You were one of the people “Suck my balls” was directed towards.

Kanye: Tyler thinks we’re in the illuminati

Bey: He also thought Sisqo was a real fairy

Kanye: Well clearly he was right about Prince

Bey: And so you fuck up my komodo dragons’ feeding schedule and break into my house

Kanye: You wouldn’t have told me

Bey: exactly

Kylie: Can I take a picture with you?

Bey: Yes

*Kylie walks over and takes her phone out to take a selfie*

Bey: Naomi

*Naomi420 walks over and takes Kylie’s phone*

Bey: Has she taken pictures in my home?

*Naomi420 swipes through Kylie’s gallery*

Naomi420: . . . Yes

Bey: Destroy it

*Naomi420 throws the phone on the ground, pulls out a desert eagle and shoots it*

Kylie: That was my emergency phone!

Bey: Quiet.

Bey: Being that I can’t currently kill any of you, that means you will assist me in keeping Prince safe from Warner Bros.

Kanye: Wait, Warner Bros. is really trying to kill you? I thought that was a myth.

Prince: Well, I’m kind of a living legend and not many of those get their own masters and last long

Prince: I’m surprised they let Michael live so long after he bought the Beatles catalog

Bey: I’ve already called Taylor Swift. I want you alive but I don’t want your shenanigans.

Prince: Seriously? But it wasn’t even my fault this time! He broke into your house!

Kanye: How is any of this my fault? You’re the ones keeping secrets!

*Slaybell runs over and puts a katana up to Kanye’s neck*

Slaybell: You will watch your tone when addressing the Queen

Bey: Stand down, Slaybell

Bey: I don’t want you or a Kardashian in my home again without my permission

Bey: These 3 are my permanent bodyguards until further notice and they won’t have any qualms about killing any of you

Bey: Don’t kill Prince

Hive: Yes, Queen

Prince: I’m offended

BeckyGray: Everyone still thinks your dead anyway soooo

Bey: Don’t push it

*The doorbell rings to the tune of Sugar Mama*

Bey: Kanye, you stay with Prince and the Forever 21 twins

Bey: Kendall, I appreciate your silence. You are permitted more conversational leeway.

Kendall: Thank you, Mrs. Beyoncé

*Beyoncé and her bodyguards walk up the steps and to the door. Beyoncé lifts her hand in the air, makes a fist and pulls it down to her shoulder. The bodyguards disperse into the shadows*

*Beyoncé opens the door to find Bruno Mars and two men in storm cloud gray suits*

Bruno: Afternoon, Beyoncé.

Bey: Afternoon.

Bruno: You look as lovely always.

Bey: And you still look like a Samoan lesbian.

Bruno: Ha, if I had a nickel. . .

Bruno: So Lemonade was amazing. A tour de force. I honestly shed a few tears.

Bey: Aww, thank you. I didn’t care, though.

Bruno: Of course a rose of your caliber would have such pointed thorns

Bey: Why are you here

Bruno: We want Prince.

Bey: Go find his ashes.

Bruno: That would be difficult being that he isn’t ashes yet

Bey: And how would you know

Bruno: WB has Kanye’s home AI tapped. They caught a whole conversation about Prince crawling on top Able Doglevee at your house

Bey: Well if he’s alive then why does the world think he’s dead?

Bruno: Well, Warner assumed he was dead after they shot his plane down in Illinois, but — Why am I telling you this?

Bruno: Give us Prince.

Bruno: You know that siphoning the flava from black music is a part of America’s culture. We’re part of a musical ecosystem.

Bruno: There’s never been an artist like him. He’s a gold mine. Warner Bros has every intention of making use of him until his death. He could be immortal if he so chose.

Bruno: Heh, you might get the same offer, Queen Beyoncé

Beyoncé:

*Beyoncé closes the door but Bruno sticks his foot in. The door suddenly bursts open, knocking Beyoncé to the ground*

*Bruno steps into the doorway*

*Bruno’s goons walk into the room only for SlayBell to decapitate one and gut the other*

*BeckyGray walks out with a Mossberg shotgun and Naomi420 walks out with twin sais*

*Slaybell runs to Beyoncé’s side*

Bey: Leave a corpse or leave alive

Bruno: This is certainly a predicament

*Bruno slowly reaches behind his back for his handgun only to get nailed in the back of the head with a full Arizona can*

*Bruno drops the gun just as he grabs it and stumbles towards Beyoncé who is now standing*

*She kicks the shit out of Bruno’s face*

Bey: I’ve wanted to do that to someone all day!

*The hive soldiers crowd around Beyoncé in a group hug and start laughing and hopping*

Cole: I mean you welcome

Beyoncé: Where did you come from?

Cole: I. . . just came from 7 11

Cole: I thought y’all would want Arizonas. Or an Oreo brownie. I saw your house door was open and thought I’d check on you.

Bey:

Bey: You were unnecessary, but you may join

*J. Cole comes in and briefly hugs the four and then backs away*

Cole: Soooo Jay’s not he-

*a gunshot goes off and J. Cole is hit in the leg. Naomi420 baseball slides into Bruno Mars’ face, knocking him unconscious*

Cole: Bruno Mars shot me!

Bey: Naomi, Becky, take him to a hospital. A real one, not the one for peasants.

Naomi420 and BeckyGray: Yes, Queen

Cole: Can you tell Jay I still need that verse for Gone Past Average?

Bey: Maybe

*Naomi lifts J. Cole by the arms and Becky lifts his legs and carries him to the garage*

SlayBell: what about Bruno?

Bey: Bring him to the basement

Bey: I have a feeling shit is about to hit the fan.

Bey: And I don’t like shit on my fans.

TO BE CONTINUED in Season 2 of

. . .

“The Lemons”

The Lemons Part 9

PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4 PART 5 PART 6 PART 7 PART 8

____________________________________________________________________

Charlemagne: And we’re back! We got Jay Z on the Breakfast Club trying to convince us he’s never had sex with anyone except Beyoncé.

Jay: False. You asked me about mediatakeout rumors.

Charlemagne: All of which you dodged like the Matrix

Jay: Regardless of my answer, yall not gonna believe me anyway hahahaha

Angela Yee: That’s not true

Charlemagne: Only if you say “No, I didn’t cheat”

DJ Envy: So Justin Timberlake putting out some new stuff

Charlemagne: Okay, that’s what we care about

DJ Envy: Did you like his new song?

Jay: It’s excellent. Blue loves it.

Angela Yee: Awww, Blue loves it

DJ Envy: Blue loves it, everybody!

Charlemagne: Y’all gonna make me throw-up

*Jay receives a text from Lil Mama saying to call her ASAP, no Rocky*

*She literally put that in the text*

Jay: If y’all don’t mind, I have to make a call.

Charlemagne: Domestic problems?

Jay: “Outside of your tax bracket” problems

*Jay walks outside of the studio and to the hallway*

Jay: Yo

Lil Mama: Jay! I found her!

Jay: Where?

Lil Mama: I started a fake instagram and pretended to be a dark-skinned businesswoman.

Lil Mama: I said one thing about her music and she jumped in my comments and called me a darkie and a black rat

Jay: Okay?

Lil Mama: and my location was on lol

Jay: Where are you?

Lil Mama:… Outside of Power 105

Jay: Why would you bring her here?

Lil Mama: I figured why look for her when we can bring her to us?

Jay: Oh, you’ve got to … Look, I have an idea. Ima text you the details.

*Directly after being dropped off by Jay Z, Ava Duvernay walks into a plain looking building and looks for the studio. She takes the elevator to the 3rd floor and approaches a soundproof door. She presses a white button next to it and is buzzed into a room full of niggas that look the same except they either have dreadlocks or fitted hats. Future is the oh shit

Desiigner is the only one with neither*

Ava: Okay, which one of you niggas made Panda?

Desiigner: That would be me, Ms. Duvernay hahaha

*Desiigner puts his homeboy in a fireman’s carry and walks over to Ava*

Desiigner: I must say I am quite the fan of your work. Middle of Nowhere made me look at the life of the contemporary black woman in a whole new light.

Ava: Who paid you to say that?

Desiigner: This is the Life was also great. I hadn’t heard of Pigeon John before I saw it.

Ava: Are you trying to have sex with me, fam?

Desiigner: No no, not at all lol. As a signee of GOOD music, I’m not allowed to consummate or spend time with women of African descent that aren’t musicians or models.

Ava: Are you serious?

*Desiigner puts his friend down*

Desiigner: For the duration of my contract

Ava: Ima sock that nigga Kanye in his whole mouth

Desiigner: Yes, it seems that the music industry isn’t what I originally thought… So who will I be playing in Cooley High?

Ava: You playing Stone, one of the gang dudes, but your name gonna be Zan. We gonna get DJ Mustard to play your friend Lean.

Desiigner: Zan with that Lean, eh? Lol. I expected remake to mean, you know, remake.

Ava: Nah, the new shit is to take an old movie and basically make it a continuation of the story in the 21st Century. In this version of Cooley High, Preach has two rapping grandkids named Sauce and Swagger Dog

Desiigner: oh boy

Ava: Yeah, appealing to them cracker dackers

Desiigner: lol indeed

Ava: Look, why you talk like Frasier but rap like Future?

Desiigner: Funny story

*Its flashback time, fam*

Kanye: This Fetty Wap shit not gonna fly. If he should be biting anyone, it’s Future.

Pusha T: Do you use the Internet? Everybody sounds like Future, man.

Pusha T: We’ve all used his flow at some point

Kanye: But his flow didn’t get him a Grammy

Pusha T: lmao and you think Desiigner will get a Grammy off of imitating him?

Kanye: Wanna bet on it? With the right marketing and the proper amount of playfulness, he can go viral.

Pusha T: Last time we made a bet, I became president of GOOD music. What do you wanna bet, Ye?

Kanye: If Desiigner hits #1 with Future’s juice, you have to babysit Nori and Saint once a week every month for a year. If he flops, you get the masters to all of my pre-Yeezus albums.

Pusha T: Deal

Kanye: Hahaha, You’re underestimating me

Desiigner: Hey, I’m here

Kanye: Scrap that “killin the booty and now she dead ass” shit and we gonna work on some future type shit

Desiigner: What is Future going to think

Kanye: He’s not gonna care. He’s rich now or whatever.

Kanye: All we have to do is not admit he sounds like Future

Pusha T: This is going to be hilarious

*flashback over*

Desiigner: And here I am. They thought that the Future imitating thing was so funny that they had me debut a song called Pluto at South by Southwest.

Ava: Yeah, that shit was petty.

Desiigner: Eh, at least I’m getting paid

Ava: If I thought “at least I’m getting paid” I would’ve put Scarlett Johansson in Selma as one of Dr. King’s white mistresses

Desiigner: Why?

Ava: The studio wanted it. They were like “Look, if he not gonna dickride white people, then we need a white person to give him the ideas that make him successful.”

Desiigner: Wow

Ava: Hollywood a coke riddled bitch, ain’t it?

Ava: Ima need you in Chicago next month for promo pics and some filming. I’ll have my people talk to your people about the specifics.

Desiigner: Wonderful! I look forward to my first acting endeavor.

Desiigner: Would you like to hear some of my debut album? I’d be honored if you took a listen.

Ava: Nah, I got Beast Mode on my phone already.

Ava: So none of you niggas gonna pass me the blunt?

*an Uber XL pulls up to the Power 105 station and releases the midnight mantis-esque figure of Azealia Banks. She scans the area and begins to check her twitter*

Azealia: if this fucking cunt thought I wasn’t gonna split her shit hahahahahahahahahaa oh my god, she is incorrect

???: Is that Azealia Bank? I think I can recognize that the Grudge weave from your instagram.

Azealia: WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT!?

*A figure in a black pencil skirt with a matching blazer stands half a block from Azealia. A big black hat covers the top half of her face*

Azealia: I’m going to pull your eyelids off, you fucking funeral outfit nigger slut.

*As Azealia prowled towards the figure, an Uber XL pulls up and the woman in black begins to get into the back seat*

*Azealia begins to charge at the Uber, awkwardly stumbling in her heels like a zombie on adderall*

Azealia: You will rue this day, cunt!

*Azealia grabs the door of the Uber before it can close, only to catch a handkerchief of chloroform to the face*

*Lil Mama helps Jay pull Azealia into the Uber and closes the door*

Lil Mama: Wow, I can’t believe this really worked!

Jay: I don’t know why. This was extremely simple.

Lil Mama: Chloroform works really fast. What does it even sm-

*Lil Mama sniffs the Chloroform hanky only to pass out immediately*

Jay: So, uh, good thing you had this on you. I thought I would have to uppercut her lol.

Matthew McConaughey: No problem, bud. Sometimes you gotta bring the sun to the beach, know what I’m saying?

Jay: So are all of the white actors driving Ubers now, or

Matthew: Lol what are you talking about, Hovito? I do this because it’s a great way to meet new people.

Matthew: Humans become so personal with strangers that are serving them, ya know? They give me a big ol pitcher of inspiration and I guzzle it down

Jay:

Matthew: Come on, man, I’m not Beanie Siegel or something

Jay: Can you just keep being an Uber driver?

Jay: and drive?

Matthew: Sure, sure. Are you keeping the little one?

Jay: The little what?

Matthew: The little ebony with the pencil ski-

Jay: Drive the vehicle, my nigga

*Matthew turns around and pulls off*

*Kanye attempts to turn the symbol on the door to no avail*

Kanye: This is incredible. Like, is this a wall?

Kylie: Can I take a

Kanye: Don’t say selfie, Kylie

Kylie: I

Kanye: Kylie, please

Kendall: For 10 minutes

Kanye: Okay… if this is prince, right, hahaha

Kanye: I want to try something

Kanye: Kylie, Kendall, I want both of you to grab the shaft, uhh, bottom of the symbol thing and push it clockwise

*Kylie and Kendall grab the bottom of the symbol*

Kendall: That’s this way

Kylie: I know how clocks work

*The symbol moves as Kylie and Kendall rotate it and cause the door to move backwards and then lift into the air*

Kanye: A door only women can open. This is genius. Steve Jobs level.

*KKK walk into an enormous Roman bathhouse ass room that is centered by a large pool. The pool is lit with pink lights that shine from beneath the water. The center of the pool bears a marble island that hosts a large statue of an all woman orgy with Prince sticking out of the top like a stem on an apple*

*The room is surrounded by pillow-filled rooms that are curtained off with layers of silk sheets*

Kanye: Hahaha dog what is going on right now?

Kanye: Why would Jay summon ghosts and not involve me? Niggas would wanna know about ghosts, you know?

Kendall: Exactly

Kanye: Is this some sort of temple or something? Like, wow, yo

*Kanye walks around the pool and spots an open room at the end. The room features an unreasonably large bed with velvet sheets and pillows embroidered with biblical scriptures*

Kanye: Can you believe thKYLIE

*Kylie is directly behind Kanye taking a selfie in front of the large statue*

Kylie: this thing is awesome, I’m sorry

Kanye: give me that phone please

*Kanye walks towards Kylie to take the phone when suddenly the marble prince spins towards him*

Prince’s voice: uh oh, it seems that I have intruders.

Kanye: Is that you, Prince!? Are you here on earth?

Prince’s voice: I have low tolerance for the uninvited, especially of the male gender

Kanye: Ah hahaha I didn’t consider that there would be, like, dick detectors

Kylie: Why not? Khloe has them in her home to find Lamar whenever he hides from her.

Kanye: Wait, wait, why does no one tell me these things?

*KKK hear a hiss and look up to see gas spraying from the ceiling. They also hear the sound of the door they came in through closing hastily*

Kanye: … Scary

Kanye:

Kanye: Sc-

Kendall: KANYE, WE’RE GOING TO DIE!

*Azealia Banks suddenly wakes up tied to a chair in a dumb swank apartment living room with Salvador Dali paintings and portraits of dead new york rappers*

Azealia: What the fuck is this? Did I die and go to Puff Daddy’s house?

Jay: Close

Azealia: Oh my god. It’s you.

Jay: Yes, it’s me.

Azealia: I can’t believe you cheated on Beyoncé, you little dicked loser.

Jay: Whoa, whoa. Where did that come from?

Azealia: And is that Lil Mama? Is that who you’re cheating on Beyoncé with? Wow

Lil Mama: We’re here for Frank

Azealia: I killed him

Lil Mama: Gasp!

Jay: No you didn’t. Where is he?

Azealia: In Hell, where all the faggots go harharhar

Jay: You’re testing my patience, Azealia

Azealia: And you’re testing mine. I bet it turns you onto have a little black girl tied to a chair. Probably one of your nasty fantasies that made you go cheat on Beyoncé, Queen of the Lame Bitches.

Jay: That’s it

*Jay Z sits down on his couch, takes out reading glasses and proceeds to use his phone. Lil Mama sits in the couch perpendicular to his and begins using her phone also*

Azealia: What? You about to cry on tidal?

Azealia: Why are you even here, Niatia? Shouldn’t you be out buying some titties?

Azealia: And an ass while you’re at it.

Azealia: Jesus dog fucking christ, you make me look like Tahiry.

Azealia: I bet you suck Jay Zs dick real good, huh?

Azealia: Look like you’re 14, suck dick like you’re 21 and you’re really 34 lmao

Lil Mama: Did you see Civil War yet, Jay?

Jay: Nah, Beyoncé’s not letting me do anything straight men enjoy right now

Lil Mama: Aw, man, it was awesome! I loved spider man, but T’Challa? That’s my boo

Azealia: NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT A SUPERHERO MOVIE

Lil Mama: and he was like “how long do you think you can hide your friend from me” and I was like “shit, I would hide my friends from him, too” lol

Jay: I did see Zootopia, though.

Azealia: Oh my fucking God, you sound like a couple of dipshits

Azealia: You should piss on Niatia’s face so I can get a good laugh

Jay: Yeah there were themes of, like, discrimination and shit

Lil Mama: Yeah, I always wondered about cartoon animals. How do dogs live with cats, you know? How do Falcons live with… worms?

Azealia: Falcons don’t eat worms, you stupid coon midget. I bet your IQ matches the amount of months you were relevant.

Jay: Falcons eat mice and stuff, I think.

Jay: The only thing I know about Falcons is that they won’t win a super bowl.

Lil Mama: Lmaooooooo

Azealia: LOOK AT ME. STOP IGNORING ME.

Jay: You know whose album I liked? Kaytranada

Azealia: YOU KNOW WHOSE ALBUM I LIKED? YOUR WIFE’S. ESPECIALLY THE 4 SONGS WHERE SHE TALKS ABOUT LEAVING YOU AND YOUR BEANBAG CHAIR LIPS

Lil Mama: Kaytranada is wonderful. I hope I can work with him one day

Azealia: HAHAHAHA NO ONE WANTS TO W

Jay: You should go for it. Sky is the limit, you know

Azealia: HE’S IN A SHITTY APARTMENT IN QUEENS

Jay: I used to want to work with DJ Premier and it happened for me. You should never give up on your dreams.

Lil Mama: Wow.

Lil Mama: That’s the most inspirational thing anyone has said to me today.

Jay: Just today?

Lil Mama: I have an instagram and a fanbase, you know

Azealia: I’LL TAKE YOU TO FRANK. PLEASE LOOK AT ME.

Azealia: Just know I exist. . .

*lil mama and Jay Z look at each other*

Lil Mama:

Lil Mama: So Empire was crazy, right?

Azealia: *screams at the top of her lungs*

Jay: Okay, okay. Let’s go to the Ocean hahaha

TO BE CONTINUED

Azealia: that was fucking corny

PART 10 Next week

wholetimethough

The Lemons Part 15

The Lemons Part 14

The Lemons Part 13

The Lemons Part 12

The Lemons Part 11

The Lemons Part 10

The Lemons Part 9

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