*Ava, Viola, Lil Mama, Octavia and Kirk look on in astonishment as Bernie Mac smirks at them with Kelly’s mouth*
Bernie: Y’all thought it was gonna be that easy, huh?
Ava: Why are you doing this?
Octavia: Yeah, it’s one thing to possess another man, but possessing a woman is out of line.
Bernie: That is ignorant. I can possess any body I want to. Gender and race shouldn’t matter. You being foolish.
Octavia: Why’d you bring race into this? You’re trying to distract m-
Kirk: How do we get him out of there!?
Bernie: Yeah, y’all figure that out.
*Kelly runs over to a window and busts it out with her elbow. She then runs past them out the door.*
Ava: Shit. I’m glad I used Viola card for this rental.
Viola: I’ma sue your whole shit. You paying for this.
Ava: You were just in Suicide Squad. You have the money.
Viola: Don’t bring up Suicide Squad no more.
Kirk: Um, can we help my friend? Why didn’t any of y’all chase her?
Ava: I don’t run
Octavia: Me neither
Viola: If i’m paid enough, eh
Lil Mama: She too big for me, I’m good.
Ava: After all the shit we went through to save your ass, we figured you’d be more grateful. Why ain’t you do it?
Kirk: My body isn’t capable. Something about being possessed just took so much of my energy.
Viola: Sounds like laziness to me.
Kirk: Can w-
*They all hear a car pull off and screech loudly*
Kirk: We could’ve caught up to her in that entire time we spent talking!
Ava: Whoops, I guess.
Octavia: Bernie said he had unfinished business. What could he be talking about?
Lil Mama: His family, maybe?
Octavia: I don’t think he would try to go see his family in Kelly Price’s body He’s smarter than that.
Kirk: That’s it. I’m walking to your house and getting my car.
*Kirk shakes his head and walks out of the house*
Octavia: He didn’t even seem phased when he ended up in Kelly Price’s body.
Ava: Maybe he just high off of being a ghost.
Octavia: or maybe he realized he could use it to his advantage. He ran out of here pretty quickly. Maybe he looking for food.
Lil Mama: We can always search her twitter name or the Kelly Price hashtag. If anyone sees her being out of character, they’ll most likely go to social media.
Octavia: Smart girl! I apologize for saying I didn’t want you here. I didn’t, but I do now.
Lil Mama: Thank you, Miss Spencer.
Ava: Get off her dick. Jeez.
Octavia: Shut up!
Viola: So does that spirit serum kill the ghost or does it just remove it from the body?
Octavia: You can’t kill a ghost, dummy. It sends it back to the realm from whence it came.
Viola: Call me another dummy.
Octavia: Let’s go. We should be moving, at least.
Octavia: Moving towards a Wendy’s. I am starving.
Ava: And the first thing you thought of was Wendy’s? Wow. I–
???: Who the hell are you? Why are you in my house? Eek! My window!
*A light-skinned man with a beard and a dissheveled blonde wig stands in the doorway, clutching his fur coat*
Ava: Uh, you rented the house to us. On AirBnB? Joanne, right?
Joanne: I wouldn’t rent my house to an African-American. That is outrageous. If you don’t exit my caucasian house, I will call the police.
Ava: How is your house caucasian?
Joanne: You ask such lower middle class questions. I am offended that you would direct them at me.
Lil Mama: You’re not even whi-
Joanne: I don’t have any money or any jewelry. Please leave after you pay for my window.
Ava: We didn’t do that. That was definitely a rock from a neighbor kid.
Joanne: There are no neighbor kid rocks. Did you not read the signs?
Joanne: Yes, signs. “No pets, No children, no liberals”. The one with the dreadlocks is clearly liberal. The small one is a child. You, I like the cut of your jib. What is your name?
Joanne: Nunya? How ethnic. Maybe I won’t call the pol-
Police officer: afternoon, ladies. I heard reports of a break in?
*a tall white police officer and a black lady officer of average height walk into the house*
*Joanne is startled and jumps back like caveman SpongeBob*
Ava: This bitch the snitch of Snitchtown.
Joanne: Please don’t use slang at me.
Joanne: Yes, officers, there was no break in. I am the owner.
Ladycop: Is that so. . .
*the officer picks up a framed picture and shows it to Joanne*
Ladycop: This is you?
*The picture shows a middle-aged white woman hugging two equally white children*
Joanne: Can you not tell?
Ladycop: Ma’am, can I see your ID.
Joanne: Of course.
*Joanne reaches into her fur coat and pulls out a state ID. Several other cards fall on the floor as she closes her fur*
Joanne: Don’t look at those.
*the tall cop takes the ID and looks at it as Joanne grabs the cards from the floor. There’s a picture of a 50 year old white woman underneath the name Joanne Lipschitz*
Tall cop: Hm
Tall cop: Checks out. Would you like to fill out a report about the window? It helps with house insurance.
Joanne: No, it’s fine. Just continue to do a great job of protecting our caucasian community.
Joanne: Blue Lives Matter. Hermhermhermhermhermherm.
Tall cop: indeed.
Ava: Black Lives Matter
Tall cop: SHE’S GOT A GUN
*The officer reaches for his sidearm, but Lil Mama pulls her phone out and turns it sideways. The police officers hiss and scurry out of the door like vampires*
Joanne: Hm. I have to remember that.
Joanne: I will forgive you for my window because I have a warm, Anglo-Saxon heart. I am very wealthy, so paying for that window will be like replacing a key.
Ava: Thank you, most kind and confused bitch.
Octavia: We can help move the furniture, at least. That was. . . That was our faults. . .
Joanne: Nonono, please. Please.
Joanne: I do my best cleaning alone and without cameras.
Octavia: Ooooookay. Bye.
Joanne: Yes, goodbye.
*Octavia, Ava, Viola and Lil Mama makes their way out the front door as Joanne Lipschitz closes it behind them, watching them cautiously*
Lil Mama: So. That was bizarre.
*A Subaru outback pulls into the driveway and parks next to Viola’s car. A 40-something year old white woman in a black dress gets out and shuts the door*
White Lady: Wow, holy fuck, why are Oscar nominees in front of my house?
Octavia: We’ve come to go.
White Lady: What?
Octavia: We must leave, uh
Ava: Aw. Shit. This not Sidney Poitier house. The fuck.
Viola: Hahaha, Google Maps, am I right?
White Lady: You’re so right. One time my husband insisted on following a dirt road because it was 4 minutes faster and how about we came across a furry orgy.
Octavia: *Giggles with delight*
White Lady: So weird. Hey, do you guys want some water? Redd’s? Yuengling? Michelob? Boxed wine?
Viola: No. We must find Sidney Poitier.
Octavia: the great Sidney Poitier!
Lil Mama: Yes!
White Lady: Okay! Hahahahahahha.
Tiffany: My name’s Joanne by the way.
Lil Mama: Huh?
Joanne: Oh, hold on, my phone’s ringing. Just, uh, hold on. I have to HAVE TO get a picture with you guys.
Joanne: Yes, hey, honey.
Joanne: You’re still driving that way? After what we saw before? Please do–
Joanne: What? You’re lying, you piece of shit.
Joanne: Because this sounds like a prank.
Joanne: “She was my beeest frieeeend. You were my huuuusband.” Her?
Joanne: Kevin. You need some sleep, Kevin.
Joanne: No, don’t call the police. They aren’t going to believe you.
Joanne: And if they do, what if they shoot a random black person?
Joanne: This shit happens, Kevin.
Joanne: Just mind your fucking business and come home. I think that place is a demonic portal.
Joanne: I love you, good bye.
Joanne: So my extremely exhausted husband claims that he saw Kelly Price pulling DL Hughley’s body out of a trunk.
Viola: Ha ha ha ho ho ho
Octavia: Oh, he is tripping, hahaha.
Joanne: It sounds like a MadTV sketch or something. Like, what? Hahaha
Joanne: So, that picture, though?
Viola: Yes, right now.
*the mystery team crowds around Joanne as she sets her phone up to take a selfie*
Joanne: Oh, is this your daughter, Viola?
Lil Mama: What? No, I’m Lil Mama.
Joanne: Oh, okay. I guess you can be in the picture, too.
*Joanne snaps, like, 3 pictures*
Joanne: Amazing! Sorry for holding you guys up. Tell Sidney Poitier I said hi. Ava: Sure, okay.
*Avataviaolamama dart to Viola’s car and jump in*
Viola: Hey, which way is that shortcut your husband takes?
Joanne: Oh, its right down this road, make a left, make a right at the roundabout and go straight. Make a right on to the second dirt road you see and good luck. I’m going to bed.
Viola: Thanks, Joanne.
*Viola pulls her head back in as they pull out of the driveway*
Octavia: So I think that guy in the wig was a liar
Lil Mama: And a scammer.
Ava: And none of our business. We need to find out if Bernie really about to kill one of the Kings of Comedy.
Octavia: Oh my god, what if that’s his unfinished business? Killing the other living Kings of Comedy?
Ava: First off, how did he get DL so fast? That shit was, like, immediate.
Octavia: It doesn’t matter. We need to find them
*Meanwhile, at Drake’s Calabasas Stronghold, Beyoncé receives a phonecall on her iPhone 12 as she watches Sausage Party with the OVO crew. She walks out of the regulation-sized theater and answers*
Taylor: Beyoncé, I f’d up.
Bey: Do tell.
Taylor: I. . . I lo–. . . I. . . Oh, gosh.
Bey: You lost him.
Taylor: I’m so sorry, Yonce
Bey: This is actually wonderful.
Taylor: What? Really?
Bey: Yes. Now I don’t have to speak to you anymore.
*the iPhone 12 rolls into a perfect sphere and floats away. Beyoncé walks back into the theater*
Bey: Wow, you didn’t pause it?
Drake: You can’t get the full theater experience that way.
Bey: I can already hear Rihanna breaking your heart.
*Beyoncé’s iPhone 14s floats into the room and writes Jay Z’s name in the air*
Bey: Lol. I must take this.
Drake: Of course.
*Beyoncé answers the phone*
Jay: “She’s wearing my scent”? Really?
Bey: Its a harmless song, baby.
Jay: You playing games, B.
Bey: Like, what games? Like the one where you catch a flight to Moscow and claim it’s business but there’s a bonus stage where you fuck another bitch?
Jay: Wow, but you don’t get a nigga back like that.
Bey: First off, nigga, I’m not Foxy Brown.
Bey: Second, you think that’s getting you back? I’m just having fun, right now.
Jay: Well, you’re having too much fun, now.
Bey: Nowhere near as much fun as you’ve had.
Jay: Look, you keep bringing up old shit.
Bey: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. There’s a big dick trying to talk to me. Later.
Jay: Wow, don’t–
*Beyoncé hangs up*
Bey: I wonder how long I should torture him.
Drake: You better hope he doesn’t write a diss about you.
Bey: Lol, I’d flame his dumb ass.
*meanwhile at the Carter mansion. . .*
Kanye: So what are you gonna do?
Jay: . . . I’m going in the booth.
TO BE CONTINUED