The Lemons Part 37

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*Lisa Lopez leads Prince, David Bowie and George Michael through the lobby of a skyscraper that seemed to be made of diamond-powdered granite. Since they landed in this strange realm, they noticed that it had a dream-like quality. It was like a thin coat of vaseline was over their eyes. Prince tried endlessly to wipe his cornea to no avail.

 

The great bards of the 80s walked past Brittany Murphy sitting at a desk. She smiled and waved and they all waved back. Lisa led them to an elevator that opened automatically. David noticed that there were no buttons for it. The same could be said for the interior, a box of eggshell covered chrome with what looked like kitten fur for a carpet. Prince knelt down and felt it*

 

Prince: What is this?

 

Lisa: Wyvern fur.

 

Prince: Whatvern?

 

Lisa: You don’t know what a wyvern is?

 

*Lisa pulled out her phone and pressed it a few times before showing Prince a picture of some sort of dragon serpent. He chuckled.*

 

Prince: No, seriously.

 

Lisa: I am serious! Thats mine and his name is Dr. Sebi.

 

Lisa: How you fall out the sky and don’t know shit but wanna tell me I’m not serious about basic wildlife?

 

David: George, get off the floor

 

George: But it’s like god’s hair.

 

David: I guess you might as well. We don’t feel any when we get back.

 

Lisa: Back where, though?

 

David: Back to E-

 

Lisa: It doesn’t matter. You can tell the Principal for this region.

 

*the elevator opens and they walk off into a hallway where the floors are water and the walls are flowing clouds. The ceilings were off-white. The earthlings assumed it was glass but no, the water simply flowed under their feet, pushing fish along the current.*

 

George: I don’t want to leave.

 

*George turns to David and Prince*

 

George: Let’s die.

 

Prince: Boy, if you don’t

 

*The men follow Lisa to a door that seems to be diamond and pearl simultaneously. She knocks and opens the door*

 

Lisa: Principal? I brought the anomalies.

 

*David, George and Prince walked into the office and see pearlescent walls. The windows show a gorgeous, vibrant seashore. They immediately recognize the woman at the desk.*

 

Prince: Nippy?

 

David: Oh wow

 

George: Oh my.

 

Whitney Houston: What? Who is Nippy?

 

Prince: This is…

 

David: This is interesting

 

Whitney: Stop talking about me like I’M weird. You weird! You fell out the sky! Come in here talking about “interesting” and “nipples” and shit. Y’all weird.

 

Prince: You really don’t remember us?

 

Whitney: From walking in my office sounding dumb? Yes, I remember that.

 

Lisa: They asked me the same thing. They think they’re special or something.

 

Whitney: Falling out the sky and surviving does make you special. Just not “come in my office like you didn’t just fall out the sky” special.

 

Prince: Oh, god, Whitney.

 

Whitney: Stop knowing my first name. Looking like a pretty girl. All y’all pretty. Tell me about yourselves. Why y’all here? Y’all angels or something?

 

David: Us?

 

Whitney: You.

 

George: Ahem, yes. We fell here.

 

*Whitney looks at George like he pointed out something she already knew. Which he did. She already knew that.*

 

Whitney: Fell from?

 

David: Um. . . Earth?

 

Whitney: This is Earth

 

David: Ahh, I thought so

 

Whitney: Thought you fell on the place you fell from?

 

Prince: Can we get a minute?

 

Whitney: Nope.

 

George: So, Whitney, we came from another earth to find the afterlife for some bad people.

 

Whitney: Another Earth? Like in comic books?

 

Whitney: You sound dumb as hell.

 

*Lisa looks at her cellphone and then looks to Region Principal Whitney*

 

Lisa: Principal, there’s been another officer disappearance.

 

Whitney: Oh, this is perfect. Right when some effeminate angels fall out the sky in front of everyone. Who is it?

 

 

 

*Lil Mama crouched behind an island in the Kardashian-West kitchen before exagerratedly looking around. Once the area was assessed, she dove behind a leather couch. Her phone vibrates and she presses a button on an old nigga Bluetooth headset on her ear.*

 

Lil Mama: Lil Femme Nikita

 

Ava: lol what.

 

Lil Mama: It’s my codename.

 

Ava: That’s nice. Where ya ass at?

 

Lil Mama: The falcon has landed in the nest.

 

Ava: In what nest?

 

Lil Mama: the condor’s nest.

 

Ava: Yo, ima need you to chill this shit out and speak in layman’s terms for me.

 

Lil Mama: I’m. . . I’m in Kanye’s house.

 

Ava: Why? Them niggas left.

 

Lil Mama: What?

 

Ava: Them niggas left. They got in a van together and left. Nobody there.

 

Kim: EEEEEEK! BURGLAR!

 

*Kim Kardashian-West stumbles backwards into the hallway she came out of*

 

Lil Mama: Oh, shit!

 

Ava: Hahahahahaaha. Vi, Kim Kardashian there an-

 

*Lil Mama runs toward the hallway but is greeted by Kim Kardashian holding a shotgun when she reaches the corner*

 

Lil Mama: Whoa!

 

*Niatia ducks and dives past Kim just as she lets off a buckshot that knocks chunks off of a wall corner.*

 

Ava: Oh, shit, I think Kim just killed her ass.

 

Lil Mama: I’m alive.

 

Ava: She alive, Vi! Get back in the car!

 

*Lil Mama scrambles to the door to the studio and dives in. Kim follows with gun in hand like Elmer Fudd*

 

Kim: NOT THIS TIME. NOT THIS FUCKING TIME.

 

Kim: GOD DAMN IT.

 

*Kim kicks the door to the studio down just to see it empty. She slowly aims the shotgun around like she’s in call of duty or some shit.*

 

Kim: Come oooouuuut. I’m gonna put you in the tub this time.

 

*Viola Davis’ voice rings from the foyer of the house.*

 

Viola: Niatia! Niatia!

 

*Kim lowers her gun and turns around*

 

Kim: Annalise?

 

*Lil Mama pounces from the shadows and grabs the shotgun with both hands. The women spin around and the gun goes off, shattering the window of the recording booth. Kim releases her grip and Lil Mama snatches the firearm away.*

 

Lil Mama: I’M NOT A BURGLAR

 

Kim: Then who are you?

 

Lil Mama: You know what

 

*Lil Mama turns the gun on Kim but Viola snatches it away*

 

Viola: Are you on meth?

 

Lil Mama: No

 

Viola: Then act like it.

 

Kim: You’re the lady from the Help. Why are you here?

 

Viola: You know what

 

*Lil Mama snatches the gun from Viola*

 

Lil Mama: Are YOU on meth?

 

*Viola looks at her as if she realized she lost control of herself*

 

Viola: Okay, let’s just go.

 

Kim: Wait!

 

*Kim crosses her legs on the floor and begins sobbing*

 

Kim: I don’t *sob* wanna be here alone. I hated being robbed. I dont like having to use guns. I don’t see how hood niggas do it.

 

Viola: Beg your Armenian pardon?

 

Kim: Its okay, Kanye said I can say it since I’m his wife.

 

Lil Mama: Well, if Kanye s–

 

Viola: No! No, god damn it.

 

Kim: You’re in my house.

 

*Viola reaches for the shotty but Lil Mama moves well out of her reach*

 

Viola: Indeed. I had no intention of keeping her company anyway. Let’s go, Niatia.

 

Lil Mama: See ya. Wouldn’t wanna be ya.

 

*Viola walks out of the studio only to be accosted by cameras and three kardashians*

 

Viola: What the fu-

 

Kris Jenner: Hi, Viola! Did you come by to see what Kanye is cooking up? I heard it’s dope. The opps are gonna hate it!

 

Kris: Is that my dad’s shotgun in your daughter’s hand?

 

Viola: Don’t record me, please, or I’ll have to take a percentage of your perfume sales.

 

Lil Mama: Im not her daughter.

 

Lil Mama: That would be cool, though.

 

Khloe: Nice to meet you, Lil Mama, I’m Khloe.

 

Lil Mama: Hi, I’m Lil Ma– wait, what?

 

Kourtney: What the hell happened in here?

 

*Kourtney runs over to a shaken Kim*

 

Khloe: Are you kidding me? “My lipgloss is popping, my lipgloss is cool”

 

Lil Mama: Wooooow, I haven’t heard that in someone else’s voice in years.

 

Khloe: You should be part of my posse, then you’d hear it all the time.

 

Lil Mama: I don’t know, last time I heard that I got shorted on a reunion tour. . .

 

*Kourtney comes out of the studio and grabs Viola’s hand without permission*

 

Kourtney: Wow, Viola, you’re a hero. My sister says you saved her from masked burglars.

 

Viola: No I didn’t. I mean–

 

Kris: This has to be in the show. How much do you want?

 

Viola: You know I’m rich already?

 

Kris: But you’re not wealthy, sweetie. Here.

 

*Kris pulls a pen and paper out of a Dolce bag and scribbles something down before handing it to Viola*

 

*Viola looks at the paper and looks at Kris and looks at the paper again*

 

Viola: This is serious?

 

Kris: Is that too low?

 

*Kris gingerly takes the paper back and scribbles something else before handing it back*

 

*Viola looks at the paper and then back at Kris*

 

Viola: . . . The burglars have to be Mexicans.

 

Kris: Deal.

 

 

*Beyonce paces back in forth in her living apartment as Jay plays patty cake with Blue on a couch*

 

 

Blue: Daddy, you said Hov means god, right?

 

Jay: Yup.

 

Blue: So that makes me a god, too, right?

 

Jay: A goddess.

 

Blue: I said god.

 

Bey: She said god.

 

Jay: I see.

 

Bey: Where is that coke breathing nincompoop with the provisions?

 

Jay: it’s funny you bring up that he has a coke habit but you depending on him.

 

Bey: Aren’t cokeheads dependable?

 

Jay: You thinking of crackheads. And that’s only if you give them money or crack.

 

Blue: Daddy, you messed me up.

 

Jay: My fault.

 

Bey: Naomi is with him. It shouldn’t be taking this long.

 

*The tune of ‘if I were a boy’ rings throughout the house*

 

Bey: I’ll answer it. I don’t feel like waiting.

 

*Beyonce practically floats out of the room right before her Samsung Acomplis wakes up and broadcasts a hologram like star wars*

 

Naomi420: Where is our queen, Hatshepsut Reborn? It is urgent.

 

Jay: You mean Beyonce?

 

Naomi420: DON’T BE CHEEKY NIGGA YALL NEED TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!

 

Jay: Why?

 

Naomi420: Everybody is in danger! Warner Bros just used a secret weapon that Bruno said wouldn’t be ready.

 

Jay: What weapon?

 

 

 

*Beyonce walks down the staircase humming “if I were a boy”. She remembers that she didn’t grab a katana, but thinks better of it. Her hand touches the doorknob and she gets an odd feeling in her gut. Beyonce brushes the feeling off and opens the door.*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Aaliyah punches Beyonce in the face*

 

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2 thoughts on “The Lemons Part 37

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