The Lemons Part 35

 

 

ARCHIVES

 

 

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*Lil Mama lays under a bush in a small garden across from the National Brotherhood Coalition in a ghillie suit. She looks through a set of comically large binoculars before feeling a vibration under her chest. She goes down her suit and pulls out an iPhone.*
Lil Mama: Hey, Vi.
Viola: Naitia, are you still at the building Steve went in?
Lil Mama: Yup. One of those fancy vans just pulled up.
Viola: Okay, we’re on our way.
Lil Mama: We?
Viola: I’m with Ava.
Lil Mama: I thought she wasn’t helping?
Viola: Ava asked if you knew where “T no L C” is.
Lil Mama: I really don’t.
Viola: I told you she didn’t know
Viola: We’ll be there shortly. Update us if you see movement.

Lil Mama: I got you.
*Just as Lil Mama puts the phone down, Steve Harvey, Nate Parker and Dave Chappelle walk out of the building and towards the van. Lil Mama goes for her her phone but stops short and reconsiders. She begins to wrestle herself out of the ghillie suit and slides out of it, donning a black catsuit. She jumps up, dusts herself off and runs to the van. She hears the door close and jumps on the back just as it begins to pull off.*
*Lil Mama pulls out her phone and calls Viola*
Viola: Is he moving?
Lil Mama: Yeah. I’m on the van. He got in with Dave Chappelle and the Nat Turner movie dude.
Viola: Nat Turner mo-
Viola: Wait, you’re what?
Lil Mama: I’m on the back of the van.
Viola: Wow. Ava, she jumped on the van.
*Ava laughs in the background*
Viola: Okay. Why?
Lil Mama: Taking initiative. Plus this is good experience for “When Love Kills: the Falicia Blakely Story”
Viola: The what?
Viola: Um, just, uh just send us your location when you stop. I don’t think you should be using the phone while you’re on a moving vehicle.
Lil Mama: But I can multi-task. I’m multi-talented.
Viola: I know you are, baby. Goodbye.
*Viola hangs up the phone*
Ava: She putting us to shame.
Viola: You didn’t even wanna do this shut up
Ava: Where is the animosity coming from?
*Viola sucks her teeth*
Viola: Steve Harvey is with Nate Parker and Dave Chappelle.
Ava: Nate Parker, huh. I had a feeling he was an undercover brother.
Viola: What?
Ava: Its a bathhouse, right? They was in there grabbing dick, right?
Viola: Oh. Oh, that. I was lying. I don’t know what’s in there.
Ava: Woooooooooooooooow let me out.
Viola: No.
Viola: You aren’t the slightest bit curious as to why those are the first two men Steve sees when Donald Trump let’s him out of jail?
Ava: Moreso when I thought he was bicurious.
Ava: Vi. I have award winning documentaries to make.
Viola: What if Nate Parker really on the DL? That doesn’t interest you?
Ava: He a rapist, I don’t care.
Ava: I’m only gonna come because I need to hinder as many male directors as possible.
Viola: I knew that pettiness was in there somewhere.
Ava: Its business. Black male actors? Great. Telling fine black men what to do is overlit. Black male directors? Dickheads. Pompous and usually misogynist.
Ava: Ima take all those niggas jobs.

*Solange paces back in forth in the living room of Beyoncé’s palace before hearing her sister come through the door. Mama T and Blue come into the living room as Beyoncé follows, still chastising her husband.*
Bey: And you didn’t even mention that time you had Memphis Beek sleep in the bed and pretend to be you. You just all “I apologize, I got a daughter now”. Nigga, fuck you.
Bey: And then– Solange, remember that nigga made Memphis Beek sleep in the bed and pretend to be him?
Solange: That shit was insulting.
Bey: I shoulda put my pussy right on his face, too. Like “shmap”.
*Jay walks in to the living room, attempting to maintain his dignity*
Jay: So we gonna act like you innocent? What about Slim Th-
Bey: Our child is in here. You want to argue like this in front of our baby?
Jay: Woooooooo-
Bey: Mom, can you take Blue to the garden.
Jay: – ooooooow. So so so so when I make a point, we just not gonna talk about it?
Bey: We have to find Prince.
Solo: Why you being a jerk, Shawn?
Mama T: Nigga made one song and start acting like he made sacrifices. Lose a baby first.

*Mama T goes to pick up Blue*
Mama T: Come on, baby. Let’s go
Blue: To the studio?
Mama T: What?
Blue: I have an album to record.
Mama T: Ha ha ha if you don’t take your ass in that backyard.
*Jay watches Mama T and Blue leave the living room*
Jay: This why I needed a son. I finally get one and god like “here’s an extra girl, though”.
Bey: What’s one more woman to disappoint though, Shawn?
Jay: I told you I was writing the song though. I told you what I was gonna bring up.
Bey: Nigga, I thought each topic was a song.
Bey: “how I cheated”, “my wife’s grief and distaste for my presence”, “I’m changing for my daughter”. If you putting our business out, do it properly.
Bey: Oh my god, are you making this a single?
Jay: I mean
Bey: I have to push my album up now. Thanks a lot, Jaybo.
Bey: Thanks.
Jay: Your fans should be happy.
Bey: Dont talk about what makes the Hive happy.
*Solange plucks Beyoncé’s ear*
Solo: Where have you been? I called all of your futuristic weird ass phones.
Bey: Madonna was trying to kill me. She dead, though. Slaybell has her head actually.
Bey: I’m putting it with Aaliyah’s.
Solo: I knew you were going to bring that up. You just never not bring it up.
Bey: Its my favorite trophy.
*Jay claps his hands together loudly*
Jay: So… How we gonna find Prince?
*Beyoncé walks over to Jay Z and claps her hands in his face very loudly*
Bey: Dont clap at me, nigga. You wait for my request for you to request attention.
Bey: Now, first…
Bey: We gotta take pictures of me and these babies.
*Beyoncé (who has been holding the twins the whole time) walks into a door next to the kitchen and walks out onto a balcony in New Zealand. She turns around and is wearing, like, a… You saw the picture*
Bey: Okay, take the picture from right there.
*Solange turns the phone sideways and snaps the pic. Beyoncé immediately walks back into the house*
Bey: Send that to me so I can send it to UhOhUhOhUhOhNuhNoNo and she can post it on instagram.

Solo: Okie.
*Beyoncé walks back to the living room and puts the twins in Jay’s arms*
Bey: Now, where were we?
Jay: We–
Bey: I know where we were. The question was rhetorical.

*the front door bursts open and Slaybell and Naomi420 come in. Slaybell has Bruno Mars in a sleeper hold.*
Bey: What is this?
Slaybell: We caught him outside looking at the house and acting like a Memphis pimp.
Bruno: Hawaiian. You ain’t never seen Hawaiian pimping before.
Bey: Naomi, slap his face.
*Naomi slaps Bruno Mars in the face*
Bruno: That’s it? You act like you haven’t held me hostage before.
Bey: Why are you here?
Bruno: I want to help you. Ima changed man, look at the range, ma’am. I’m not even armed.
Bey: You’re still Warner Bros.
Bruno: Im trying to get out of there I’m trying to go to Island Def Jam or LaFace or something.

Bey: So you go from Elvis Presley to Bobby Brown and I’m supposed to just trust you?
Bruno: You want me to snort a couple lines?
Slaybell: *snickers*
*Beyoncé looks at her immediately*
Slaybell: I’m sorry.
Bey: Yes. I want you to snort some cocaine. Get him some cocaine.
Bruno: I have some already.
Bey: I change my mind. Slaybell, take his coke and flush it.
Bruno: Aw, what.
*Bruno looks annoyed as Slaybell runs his pockets and finds his baggies*
Bey: You’ll be clean in my presence if you’re going to help me get Prince back.
Bruno: The whole time?
Bey: The whole time, Moana.

*Lil Mama feels the van slow down and promptly crawls on top of it. The vehicle stops at the bottom of the driveway to a mansion out of a modern design magazine. She hears the side doors of the van open and then close after a few seconds. Voices begin speaking in hushed tones beneath her.*
Steve: So Bill Cosby really been talking to this weirdo? The boy got issues.
Nate: First off, it’s the BrotherFather. Second, we all have issues, Steve. It’s just about making sure they’re harmless.
Dave: How’d that work out for you?

Nate: Nigga, fuck you. I’ll snap your fucking neck, on God.
Steve: Can y’all chill out! God damn, y’all grown ass men! Out here carrying on like some teenagers.
*Steve Harvey walks away grumbling and the other two men follow him. The van begins moving and Lil Mama braces herself before doing a somersault into a sizable bush. She peeks her head out and pulls out binoculars. Through the lenses she can see the three men approach the door, Steve in front. Lil Mama pulls out her phone with her free hand and calls Viola*
*Ava and Viola sit in the parking lot of In N Out burger, passing each other fries and drinks. Viola answers her phone and finishes chewing her burger before answering.*
Viola: Yesh.
Viola: A mansion? A mansion where?
Viola: Uh huh.
Ava: Where she at?
Viola: Shh.
Viola: Wait, who opened the door?
Viola: Get the fuck out of here.
Viola: Stay in the bushes. We’re on the way.
*Viola hangs up the phone and takes another bite of her burger. Ava reaches in Viola’s bag and takes some fries.*
Ava: So what happened?

Viola: You ate your fries too fast.

Ava: Ha.
*a piece of fry flies out of Ava’s mouth. She grabs her medium drink out of the cup holder and begins sipping*
Viola: Oh, yeah, Lil Mama said Kim Kardashian opened the door. They’re at Kanye West’s house.
*Ava spits out her drink.*

 
*HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA*

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