The Lemons Part 34


*Matthew Knowles chuckles nervously as he looks between the two mech-armor clad black women that previously guarded his daughter. Beyoncé watches from her husband’s side, approximately 15 yards away*


Matt: So I guess black girl magic is out and black girl technology is in, huh?

Bey: I should slap the shit out you. Shawn, is this your fault?

Jay: Nope. Uh, how did you find us, pops?

Matt: Let’s just say me and TMZ have a mutually beneficial relationship.

Matt: So. Lemme see them.

Bey: No, nigga.

Bey: Stop trying to come near my kids.

Jay: Right now might not be the best ti-

Bey: Stop listening to the rapper. Listen to me.

Bey: No.

Bey: Subdue him please.


*Beyoncé’s armored security proceeds to shoot nets on to Matthew Knowles. The nets begin electrocuting him.*




Bey: *laughter*

Bey: Come on, husband.


*Beyoncé turns around and damn near walks directly into Katy Perry*


Katy: Hi! Oh my God, are these the twins?

Bey: No.

Katy:… These aren’t babies?


*Beyoncé turns around and walks towards her father, who is flat on his stomach and breathing heavily under a blanket of metallic mesh*


*Beyoncé crouches in front of her father. Her upper body hasn’t moved this whole time. She was holding the babies. The whole time.*


Bey: You have something to do with this.

Matt: Katy … She called me… She wants to save her career.

Bey: It was fine before she started pandering. What does this have to do with me?

Katy: Hey! What’s up?


*Katy begins prancing towards Beyoncé and her father*


*One of Beyoncé’s Iron Woman bodyguards walks past Beyoncé and mushes Katy Perry’s face. Katy walks backwards to avoid falling but falls anyway.*


Matt: If you let her take a selfie with the babies, it would be a good look.


*Matt pushes himself up on to his hands and knees*


Bey: Do the electrocution shit again.


*The armored guard that didn’t push Katy Perry presses a button on her wrist. The net lets out a hiss and a snap and Matt lays back down*


Matt: Okay, okay. I got you.

Bey: Tell her to talk to Deray again. I am leaving.

Matt: But she’s caught in that infinite loop of trying to prove she’s not racist. Your babies are strong enough to get her out.

Bey: Suck my whole nuts, daddy.


*Beyoncé turns and walks away from Matthew. Katy Perry extends a hand for Beyoncé to help her up, but Beyoncé moves around it like it was begging for money*


Katy: That’s right, you’re holding babies. Right.


Bey: Shawn, we’re going to regroup and figure out how to get Michael and Prince.

Jay: Okay, but I want you to hear something.

Bey: What could I possibly want to hear right now? I’ve been holding babies for like twenty minutes.

Bey: Play it in the car.

Jay: Sure.


*Beyoncé walks over to her mama’s Benz and gets in the back. Jay follows suit. Mama T begins walking to the drive side door with her phone to her ear*


Mama T: No, Solange, she didn’t help Katy Perry up. She didn’t even help Michelle up that one time. We about to leave. You gonna meet us at the house?

Mama T: Aight, bye.


*Mama T gets into the car as Blue Ivy gets in next to her daddy*


Bey:… So?

Jay: Just give me a second.


*Jay presses his phone a few times and connects to the stereo via bluetooth. The song “4:44” begins and Jay gives Blue her headphones as Mama T drives off*


*Jay occasionally looks at Beyoncé as he nods his head and mouths a few of the lines. A tear comes out of his eye as the sample fades and the song ends*


Bey: *stares straight ahead*

Jay: …

Bey: Thank you.

Jay: You’re welcome. You’re always welcome.

Bey: Where’s the rest of the album?

Jay: Its done. This is just the song I wanted you to hear first.

Bey: Is the rest of the album about me?

Jay: I mean, in a way

Bey: In what way? Like every song is an apology?

Jay: Nah. But I really poured my heart out, for real, B. I woke up at 4 in the–

Bey: Nigga– hold on–


*Beyoncé turns to the right and hands the twins to herself. She adjusts herself so that she’s on one knee and begins pointing a finger in Jay’s face.*


Bey: Nigga, I made a whole fucking album about what you did to me. You give me a 3 minute song!? I wanna fight.

Jay: Let’s not.

Bey: Dog, you fucked on hoes with my love on you.


Bey: Yo, I cried in the studio over your dumb ass.

Bey: Nigga, oh my god, I coulda whooped Keri Hilson ass, my nigga.

Jay: I–

Bey: Put them paws on her, homie. Washed her ass.

Jay: Baby, we’re healing. You expressed yourself and I expressed myself.

Bey: Yo, how you gonna apologize to all the bitches you hurt on a song in front of the world when I’m your wife, nigga? Let’s fight.

Jay: How you not gonna respect me going public with this? You know how many women are going to look down on me?



Jay: In front of Blue, though?

Bey: In front of?


*Jay looks down at Blue Ivy just to see her watching someone play minecraft on her tablet, headphones loud as shit.*


Jay: Baby, what did I tell-

Bey: Look at me.

Bey: You’ve become arrogant. I forgive you for your infidelity, I handle it with as much poise as I can and you give me a half-assed rap song.

Jay: Half-assed? Yo, I don’t think you know how much hurt I put in this song. I cried–

Bey: HA HA HA SO? You niggas, y’all cry and say “I’m sorry” and think that’s a salve for being trash. It’s insulting, my nigga. You were only on beat like 4 times.

Bey: Put your album out. I don’t care.


Bey: Ima fuck somebody.

Jay: Ha, okay.


*Bey receives the twins back from herself*


Bey: Thank you.

Bey: I appreciate your 2,523rd to 2,34th apology, Shawn, but I’m sure your fans that cheat regularly will more.

Jay: Who you gonna fuck?


*Beyoncé exits the car. Jay looks around like he just realized where he was*


Jay: Yo. You not gonna fuck nobody.


*Jay sees the three generations of Knowles walk towards the house without him and hurries out of the vehicle*



*Ava Duvernay walks out of the skyscraper of movie meetings and kinda sees Viola Davis sitting in her car mean-mugging her. Ava puts her shades down and walks down the street.*


*Ava walks faster as she hears heels clicking behind her, but she knows she can’t outrun Viola in heels. They stole some drawers out of Idris Elba house once and Viola beat her to the car.*


Viola: Look at you, about to start sweating and shit.

Ava: I don’t sweat, bitch. I self-moisturize.

Viola: And where you going so fast? Responsibility still gonna meet you there.

Ava: No its not. I don’t want closure with responsibilities neither. This is a break up.

Ava: That nigga that look like Tupac need a new movie role and his agent pitching a Poetic Justice remake. I told them niggas “only if Zendaya playing Janet”.

Ava: You know, you the only person that don’t let me get what I want. If I didn’t swear off white friends, I swear to Gahd.

Viola: You’d probably be involved in something weirder.

Ava: Fam, I’m pretty sure it’s hella ghosts flying around but you only concerned about Bernie Mac’s.

Viola: Because we caused this, remember?

Viola: Did a bunch of drugs? Had a seance? Kirk Franklin floated around my house?

Ava: Oh, we doing 3 sentence crazy stories?

Ava: Vampire gloves. Ginuwine look-alike. 2005.

Viola: What would make you see reason and help take care of this?

Ava: Hmmmm.

Ava: Money.

Viola: I’m anonymously leaking your sex tape.

Ava: Pah! One, no the fuck you not. Two, it’s not a sex tape. It’s a kink demonstration. If you really want to put Tyrese getting fisted on Bossip, then by all means.

Ava: I can see the headlines now. “Is Tyrese getting his illiterate cakes smashed to smithereens by a strong, black woman?”

Ava: Yes. Yes he is.

Ava: Do you even know where Steve Harvey is? We still gotta get Beyoncé a gift for her babies.

Viola: Is that really more important than exorcising a malevolent spirit?

Ava: Beyoncé just had twins. Do you hear yourself?

Viola: No, I just hear a grown ass woman avoiding the consequences of her actions like a teenager.

Ava: The nigga not even malevolent! Give them a video vixen and they set for life.

Ava: Can you please stop making me walk so fast?

Viola: This is fast to you?


*Ava stops and slumps over in defeat*


Ava: Fine. You know where Steve Harvey is?

Viola: No, but Lil Mama does.

Ava: What?

Viola: Lil Mama has been following Steve since he-who-shan’t-be-named got him out of the precinct.

Viola: He’s at a strip mall museum.

Ava: Sounds like a secret bathhouse.

Ava: Bernie like bussy?

Viola:… Yup.

Ava: The fuck outta here. I’m in.




*George, David and Prince lay in a disjointed triangle in the middle of a public park, still wearing their captivity pajamas. George slowly opens his eyes and pushes himself up so that he’s leaning on his elbows. The first thing he notices is the sky having waaaay more stars in it then usual, especially for what looks like sunset. The stars seemed to slowly sway and dance in a greenish blue sea that was faded behind the warm orange of the evening sky*


Prince: Huh. The sky reminds me of a dream I had.


*George looks over to see Prince still laying on his back with his hands behind his head*


George: On vacation are we?

???: Excuse me, are y’all okay? You look like you escaped from a sleepover.


*George and Prince look up to see a petite, baby-faced black girl of light complexion wearing a white blouse and black pencil skirt. David looks up from his face-down resting position and jolts awake*


George: You look… familiar…

Prince: Well give me a fine stepdaughter and call me Morgan Freeman.

David: She looks familiar because that’s definitely Left Eye from TLC.

Left Eye: Who?


*wamp wamp, what it do*


One thought on “The Lemons Part 34

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