the lemons

Bey:  Do you like it

Jay:  Its magnificent. You’ve really out done yourself. Wh-

Bey:  Fuck you

Bey:  My fans are going to tear you apart lol

Jay: lo-

Bey:  Don’t fucking laugh

Bey:  I’m going to forgive you in my HBO music video

Bey:  Every time you cheat I’m gonna do this

Jay:  Write an album?

Bey:  Start a movement

Jay:

Bey:  Speak. I’m not Beanie Siegel. We have a daughter. I’m going to love you forever. So hard. So hard omg nigga

Jay:

Bey: Do you want me to wear her skin

Jay: Don’t

Bey: I could literally pay anyone to bring me her skin. That wasn’t just a poem, Shawn.

Blue: Mommy! I’m hungry!

Bey:  Coming baby!

Jay: I was gonna take us out

Bey:  Nah, we having white bitch for dinner

Jay:

Bey:  My sister is coming over too.  And my mother.  And Ava Duvernay.  And Taraji.  They wanna talk about Lemonade

Jay:  J. Cole just hit me. He need me to come to the stu.

Jay:  Save me some, uh, white bitch hahaha

Bey:  laugh without my permission again

Bey:  I want you to think I’m joking so bad

Bey:  I love you

Bey:  Don’t think of leaving the house. You make Jermaine wait any other time, he can wait again.

Jay:  I love you too

Bey:  Shut up

Jay:

Bey:  Yes, that’s your favorite thing to do when the seat burning ya ass, huh

Jay:

Bey:  You’re my favorite man in the world and I want to be the one to kill you

*The doorbell rings to the tune of crazy in love*

Jay:  We have guests, hon-

Bey:  Shut up

Jay:  I don’t know how long I can take you cutting me off.

Bey:  Let’s find out nigga

 

*Beyoncé opens the door and Solange Knowles and Tina Lawson walk in.

Solange throws a reverse roundhouse kick that Jay Z lazily dodges.*

 

Solo: I’m sorry. I’m just very inspired right now.

Bey: Mommy! Solo! What a pleasant surprise! Neither of you could have had better timing

Jay: Sister-in-law. Mama Tina.

Mama T: Stereotypical Black Man

Solo: Blubberlips McSlutdick

Blue: LMAO

Bey: Baby, take your elevator to your playroom. Mommy will FaceTime you on your IPhone 8 when dinners ready.

Blue: Yes, mommy dearest

Solo: Rihanna called me to congratulate you.

Bey: She couldn’t call me?

Solo: Because you were gonna answer?

Bey: hahahahahahahahahaha

Solo: hahahahahahahahahaha

Mama T: lol omg

Bey: You may laugh

Jay: eh heh heh

Mama T: You are pathetic. The universe wasted good water creating you.

Bey: Mama. *high fives*

 

*the four of them leave the foyer and walk to the medium patio on the west wing of the house. Ava Duvernay sits in the shade of a table umbrella.  The sun shines through a pitcher of lemonade, making fractals on her locks*

 

Jay: I thought you were on the way

Ava: I can actually teleport to any location where black women are having too much fun

Bey: We’re writing a horror movie together. It’s about good dick.

 

*Taraji P Henson storms onto the patio like Cookie Lyons in a headwrap*

 

Taraji: without me? How dare you angelic bitches?

Taraji: *Looks at Jay*  You chose the wrong one, huh, dummy

Jay:

Taraji: I’m not Beanie Siegel, boy, I’ma come at you all day. Cheating ass.

 

*Doorbell rings*

 

Bey: No one arrives here uninvited. Who the fuck is it, Jay

Jay: Its Cole

Taraji: From Martin?

Bey: The rapper. The one that looks like he’s from a mural of dead Puerto Rican boys.

Ava: You mean the one that made that song about how women didn’t want him when he was a broke boi

Bey: Yes

Ava: lol what a lame

Bey: Why is he at our home, Shawn.

Jay: Business. Like always, its business.

 

*Solange jumps up from the table and does a spinning heel kick aiming for Jay’s liver. He spins it off of his body with the grace of a flamboyant sumo wrestler.*

 

Jay: You getting slower?

Solo: My heels got longer

Cole: Did I come at a bad time?

Bey:  You came at a beautiful time.  A beautiful time that you were not invited to. How did you enter my home.

Cole: Blue let me in, I think. She thought I was the pizza man.

Ava: You aren’t?

Mama T: Girl

Cole: Where are my manners? Hello, Ms. Duvernay. Ms. Henson. Ms. Knowles. Ms. Knowles, Mrs. Knowles-Ca-

Bey: Shh.

Bey: May I speak with you, most honorable and golden husband

Jay:

 

*Jay and B walk to the foyer and into the first living room*

 

Bey: This nigga in my house, yo

Jay: I didn’t tell him to come by; I told him I was available.

Bey: Like you told that bitch

Jay:

Bey: Nah, wait, you didn’t have to tell her. Everybody know you mine. That dick is branded.

Jay: that pu-

Bey: Boy

Bey: Get that nigga out of my house without leaving my house

Bey: The moment you turn 65, I’m poisoning you right out of my life

 

*They walk back to the patio to raucous laughter*

 

Solo: So Prince is telling me how awesome I would’ve been in the 80s and all I’m thinking is “if I swing my arm straight, I’ma go right over his head” lmao

Cole:  lmao man its like the time I met him. I walked up and told him how inspiring he is and he was like “do I know you or are you trying to accept Jéhovah, what’s good”. I was laughing so hard that he walked away from me. I never saw him ag-

Ava: You adorable as fuck

Bey: Jay, can you tell him to do what I told you to tell him to do the way I told you to do it, please.

Cole: I’m sorry if I interrupted anything, ma’am. I just wanted to talk about my next project “GPA: Gone Past Average”. I’m supposed to be working with K dot but he started doing this slave ghost shit. Really, it’s a concept album th-

Bey: Are you going to tell him to be quiet?

Jay: Chill out, Cole. Let me talk to you in the house real quick

 

*Jay exits with his arm around Cole’s shoulder like a father that walked back into his life because he needed money*

 

Bey: I haven’t been this embarrassed since Ashanti tried to talk to me in public

 

*Ava sits on her ass and starts snapping her fingers while scooting over to Beyoncé*

 

Ava: Is there a female singer younger than you that you actually fuck with?

Bey: Ones that ain’t fucked my husband

Ava: Ima die

Taraji: Look, you gotta hook me up with the boy that did the tribal make up. Lee saw lemonade and now he’s writing a storyline where Jamal makes a visual album called sweet tea.

Bey: I will buy Fox and make every show a documentary about West Africa if that happens in front of me

Solo: I’ll hit your phone, RaRa. So, sis, I thought you would be all relieved and unstressed and shit.

Bey: Then I looked at his face again.

Bey: Ima bite his lips off.

Bey: Then I’m going to sew them back on

Bey: I didn’t let him hear it until it started streaming

Bey: He wasn’t surprised, nope. He had that same dumb ass look he always have.

Bey: Ima break another PS4

Ava: Bitch, break a bottle and get me drunk

Mama T: You drunk already

Ava: Tuh

Ava: Tuh

Bey: He’s been gone too long

Solo: I can track him

Bey: No, I trust his judgment

Bey:

Bey: find him

*Solange launches out of her chair like Black Panther in the Civil War trailer. Did you see that shit? Bruh, they not ready for T’Challa. Nigga jumped off a car in a tunnel and chased that nigga Bucky like a demon, fam. Fuck a batman superman, that shit gonna be lit.*

*Jay stands a block away from his front door and  looks around conspicuously in a black hoodie and black jeans. A black dodge Neon pulls up. Jay is surprised people even still drive this type of car*

Uber guy: Ho my God

Jay: What’s up. You took forever, my guy.

Uber guy: I went as fast as I could. It’s not every day you get Jay-Z and Solange Knowles in the same ride

Jay: What?

*Before Jay could close the door all the way, Solange pulls him out of the car like CJ in San Andreas when you work out all the time and he gets all buff*

 

Uber Guy: Ho boy, this is because of lemonade isn’t it

Uber Guy: I didn’t know you didn’t have permission to ride Uber today

Uber Guy: Shit, is she gonna be mad

Solo: No. You knew no better.

Uber Guy: Thank Go-… Thank your sister.

Solo: She will be pleased

Solo: Come, you fat lipped fool

 

*Solange drags Jay back into the mansion, throwing him before her sister. He flops to the ground like a defeated fish, gazing yonder*

 

Ava:  around the time Serena started twerking, I had peaked for the second time and . . .

Bey: Pardon me, Ava. An Uber? You fucking dork.

Jay: I was running to the store,  baby hahaha, you be tripping

 

*Bey snatches Jay by his bottom lip and pulls his face down to hers*

 

Bey: I’ve had enough of your joy. Your desire to get away with what you have done has made me sooooo tired.

Mama T: In front of compa-

Bey: my company, yes

Taraji: Baby, his lip bleeding

Bey: This is no blood. This is fuckboy fuel.

Jay: Mamy, my fone minging

Bey: Fuck you

Ava: It might be that company that put your album out

Bey: Answer

Jay: Hello?

Ye: Yoooooooooooooooo warm it up Jay

Ye: Put B on the phone. She just blew my whole shit out the water, fam. I’m so glad I didn’t drop my sh-

Jay: Where you at?

Ye: I’m with the fam. it’s me, Kanye, of kourse, and Kim and Kourtney and Khloe and Kylie and Kendall and Kris. And Tyga.

Tyga in the background: Yo

Bey: I heard him say Tyga. Tell him that Tyger isn’t allowed to speak when I’m on the other end of the phone

Jay: She said tell Tyga not to talk no more

Ye: Tyga, airplane mode

Tyga: Roger

Ye: So I’m talking to Netflix about making my own visual alb-

 

*Bey snatches the phone*

 

Bey: You will find your life a lot harder to navigate if you do that, bro

Ye: I knew that would get you on the phone

Bey: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAW

Ye: How’s my goddaughter

Bey: Don’t call her that until your divorce

Ye: Are you still mad at the Taylor Swift thing?

Bey: No, that was super funny. I’m just mad that people know that I’m friends with you.

Ye: You have my favorite sense of humor out of all of the black women I know

Bey: I’m the only black woman you know

Ye: See, you so fu-

Bey: Goodbye

 

*Beyoncé throws the phone into the large pool, even bigger than Drake’s which is bigger than Ye’s*

Bey: I can’t wait to finish this resurrection apparatus and bring his mom back. He needs it badly.

Bey: So where were we ladies?

Ava: You were gonna make your husband go get us some High-ness-E and some fat dick niggas with beards

Mama T: Yes, please

Prince: No thanks. Hello, Carter  family.

Jay and Bey: Hello

Taraji: Hey, Prince, I haven’t seen you si- Wait WAIT

Ava: NO

Solo: THE FUCK

Mama T: SHIT

Prince: Ima just take my food back in since y’all having a cussing contest

You: Oh wow

 

TO BE CONTINUED. . . frfr. . .

PART 2

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71 thoughts on “the lemons

  1. this needs a FULL laugh disclaimer up top. i tried to read this on the train and got more side eye than i have in my whole life combined. 😂😂😂

    Like

  2. Where’s part four!?! Omg please.

    “Its a shame you won’t see the floral arrangements I have planned for your funeral.”

    Like

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