The Lemons part two

WAIT. DID YOU READ PART ONE OF “the lemons”? If not, you should .

 

____________________________________________________________________

Taraji: How the FUCK you just come out here alive and then turn around and walk back in

Prince: Its simple. Watch.

*Prince slowly does a 180 and strolls back into the house*

Jay: I think Ava is having a heart attack

Ava: No I-I ju-I-Im ju-I

Ava: I was cumming I’m sorry

Taraji: Just…

*She darts her eyes at Bey*

Taraji: Bitch, explain

Bey: Beg your pardon

Taraji: I’m sorry

Taraji: Bitch, please explain

Mama T: Please

Bey: That’s for him to explain

Taraji: Well Queen of Dragging Me Into Bullshit, may I follow him into the house?

Bey: He lives in the underground complex, so good luck finding him

Solo: What’s going on? What if TMZ or somebody gets a picture of this?

Jay: They stopped trying to get past the komodo dragons years ago

Bey: They were a lot less persistent than Drake.

Mama T: Drake?

Bey: Yeah, sometimes he sends envoys and shit. They be carrying roses an-

Taraji: Prince is alive in your house and I don’t care about none of this shit.

Bey: I put out lemonade so he could be private, I think he would prefer to he ignored.

Taraji: Do you even care, Ava?

Ava: That wasn’t real, ho

Taraji: oh my god

Bey: So, Ava, I want you to direct the video that will play for the second leg of my tour. It’s going to be Jay, my beautiful husband and donor to the greatest womb he’ll ever know, having a nightmare.

Ava: Are you gonna be pegging him?

Bey:…  No, but, keep that idea for the official video for “Hold Up”

Bey: Its going to open with me walking through the palace of Versailles in a pearl laced wedding gown

Ava: Okay, I’m wet

Bey: I want the camera to be first person, right? my family and friends and Michelle will be sitting in pews. When the camera gets to the grooms back, he will turn around and it will be Memphis Bleek.

 

*Ava stands up from the table, walks up to Jay and begins laughing in his face*

 

Bey: Then, the camera pans to me and then Ryan Gosling comes up and puts his hand around my throat.

 

Jay: Seriously

Ava: Shh, adulterer

Bey: I want the palace to suddenly flood with water and that’s when Jay is going to wake up.

Jay: I’m gonna wa-

Bey: You’re going to wake up.

Prince: Hey, I need somebody to go to the store and get so-

Taraji: WHY YOU ALIVE

Prince: I could ask your career the same question

Taraji: We can fight. You can die for real.

Bey: Hush. We’re kind of busy.

Prince: Well, I kinda need some kale, but being that I’m dead and all, I can’t be in public.

Bey: Sweet husband, tell that J. Cole boy he can come in the house if he brings kale.

Prince: and lemon juice

Bey: and lemon juice

Jay: But you just put him

Bey: But I just told you what I wanted. I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say anything.

 

*the doorbell rings to the tune of green light*

 

Bey: No way he’s that fast.

Prince: Well, I’ll be bidding you ladies adieu. Please remember to keep my name out of your mouths unless the rest of me can join it.

 

*Jay walks to the foyer and opens the door only to ruin Bey’s day*

 

Kanye: I’m so gla-

Jay: What the fuck you doing here?

Jay: With Kim

Kim: Wow, rude. I came to bring this lemon pound cake I made. I mean, I paid someone to make it, but that’s how you make stuff right?

Kanye: I came to talk to Bey, duh lol

Kim: Paying people counts as making it yourself, right? I would be so heartbro-

Jay: Dog, I need Bey to stay a little calm until I leave. I’m going to another country to take pictures with important white people and the earliest flight is tomorrow.

Ye: Did she mean what she said about being mad people know she’s friends with me?

Jay: She says that shit, like, literally every time you speak to her

Ye: You right, she’s clearly joking

 

Bey: Oh, fuck me

Ye: Go big sis, that’s my big sis lol

Kim: Hey, Queen Bey lol

Bey: …Jay… did you hide my swords again

Jay: I was cleaning up th-

Bey: You don’t clean shit, I should slap the shit out you

Jay: I might have put them upstairs. Did you wanna check?

Kim: Ooh, you should hold the swords while we take a selfie lol

Bey: I will hold your daughter while you take a dirt nap

Kim and Kanye: huh lol

Bey: imbeciles

 

Jay: Y’all gotta go

Kim: does it smell like Prince in here

Jay: yeah, it’s commemorative Prince musk. It’s only for the most elite, ya know.

Ye: But I don’t have it? Come on, Jay

Bey: If I come downstairs and unsheathe this katana, it will taste Armenian blood and have its fill

 

*Jay pushes Ye and Kim onto the front porch*

Jay: She’s really going to kill your wife, b

Jay: Her power still has yet to plateau and when it does, killing Kim is on her list

Ye: Plattoes? What are you talking about Jay.

Jay: Don’t worry about it. I’ll tell her you said thank you.

Kim: I didn’t even get a selfie tho

Jay: You can’t even fathom how not sorry I am, Kim.

Cole: Jay! Oh shit, Yeezy! Mrs. West, how are you! I have the kale and lemon juice. Are we making smoothies? Is Taraji still here?

Kim: The woman that plays Cookie is here!? Can I get a selfie with her?

Cole: Yeah, and Ava Duvernay, director of NAACP Image Award winning motion picture Selma and

 

*Jay puts his entire hand over J. Cole’s face like a fat ass cheek*

 

Jay: This. This is why we picked Kendrick over you.

Ye: Can I speak to Ava? I know she’s mad at me about blah blah blah feminism and shit, but I’m looking for DONDA investors, fam

Jay: Is your nose clean?

Bey: I’m going to open this door and swing this sword and whoever dies is dead

 

*Jay snatches the kale and lemon juice and quickly scampers into the house*

 

Bey: I have thousands of fans in every country ready to take a charge for me and you won’t even let me use 5 on her

Jay: I’m just glad you haven’t used any on me yet hahaha-

Bey: is that laughter

Jay: -hahabba hubba hubba you fine as shit

Bey: Its a shame you won’t see the floral arrangements I have planned for your funeral

 

*They walk back to the patio only to be interrupted in the kitchen by zombie formerly known as Prince*

 

Prince: Wow, is this lemon juice store brand

Bey: Yes

Prince: But why

Bey: For someone that’s avoiding hitmen from Warner Bros, you seem to love being in the open

Prince: Well, I had writer’s block, see? I suddenly sensed this power. It fed my creative juices like a mother’s nipple to a newborn. I was curious, so I-

Bey: You heard women upstairs and you wanted to be around some pussy

Prince: … Your wife is as apt as ever, eh?

Jay: You have no idea. Har Har Har

 

*Bey backhands his arm like the most disobedient 20 year old street walker*

 

Bey: “Har Har”  you a fucking pirate now? that’s still a laugh, troutmouth

Prince: lol I’m going back downstairs. If Ava asks, she can come down.

Bey: And why would she do that

Prince: I went down last time. She owes me.

Jay: Bruh

 

*Jay and Bey return to the patio arm in arm*

 

Ye: People really just need to give Desiigner a chance you know? The future thing is like a cocoon, you know? I’m surprised Lee doesn’t want to give him a spot on Empire. It would be a great look for you guys.

Taraji: Lmao you know Obama is playing Lucious’ long lost father the moment he gets out of office, right? Ain’t nobody thinking about that panda boy.

Ava: Didn’t Lucious talk to Obama in one episode

Taraji: Have you seen anything Lee Daniels was involved with? Making sense isn’t his forte, honey.

Ava: So you saying he’s done other shit than empire?

Kim: Yeah, just like you, right, Taraji?

Taraji: Yeah, kinda like how your only movie was with Ray J 🙂

Ye: okay

 

*Beyoncé drives her face to within centimeters of Kanye’s ear*

 

Bey: whyareyouandyourpetwhitewomaninmyhousenigga

Ye: When you guys came in all fast, Cole got sad and walked away like Charlie Brown when a bitch turn him down. We tweeted Blue good night and she said “hold up” and

Bey: She hahaha she doesn’t have a ha a twitter. Jay. You’re supposed to do that technology shit. Why are they lying to me.

Jay: I might have underestimated our baby girl

Bey: Such is patriarchy

Kim: Yeah, patriarchy sucks

 

*Bey vomits on the ground*

 

Bey: I’m sorry, this doesn’t usu-

Kim: I’m so sorry

 

*Bey vomits even harder*

 

Bey: Shut her… up…

Kim: O-

 

*Taraji slams her hand over Kim’s mouth*

 

Taraji: I’m sorry, this is nasty but this funny as shit y’all

Ava: And you chilling, huh, bitch

Mama T: They always give me these wonderful stories for my French friends. They love the elevator one .

Solo: Oh god

Ava: You not gonna tell them about pretty boy being alive though

Mama T: of course I am. The same thing happened with Eartha Kitt but she died for real a few months ago in a foursome

Ava: My shero. Let me go cop her movie rights. You know she fucked James Dean and Paul Newman at the same damn time?

Mama T: I saw the footage. She demanded that it be played at her real funeral.

 

Ye: I feel like you’re overreacting, sis

Bey: 1. Call me Sis again and my music is leaving tidal by midnight

Jay: Ba-

Bey: 2. Say I’m overreacting again and I’m buying the E entertainment network and making it into an international spoken word poetry channel

 

Kim: 😡

Bey: 3. tell her to neutralize her face before I peel her forehead off

Ye: We’ll just talk to you tomorrow, Jay. I’m coming down and… there’s a lot of throw up

Jay: Yeah

Ye: I thought she was a vegan

Bey: get out of my fucking house, man

Ye: Lol I love your accent. Well, this is a good time to test out this new Uber helicopter app for non-poors

Ye: Do you mind if we use your helipad

Jay: Sure

Bey: I’m going to go ask my daughter why she is still awake

 

*Beyoncé takes the elevator up to Blue’s floor of the house. She walks past her chuck e cheese room and her ponies only room to her bedroom suite*

 

Bey: knock knock baby

Blue: Mommy, I’m so sleepy, mommy

Bey: why do you have a twitter

Blue: ima go to sleep, mommy

Bey: Give me your phone and your tablet

Blue: Mommy no

Bey: Yes

Blue: teehee nah

Bey: What did you say on the Internet, baby

Blue: I ate cookies

Bey: Who made you a twitter

???: It was me

 

*From the corner of the dark room, a shadow slowly takes form and becomes…*

 

Bey: … Daddy?

 

DUN DUN DUN

PART 3

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29 thoughts on “The Lemons part two

  1. Reblogged this on valenciamcneill's Blog and commented:
    This is BEEYOND. Just beyond. Beyond description. This is like some kind of dreamscape. And I was getting that waaaaaay before Prince walked in! I’m “hearing” it with a WEIRD (but, it FITS) vacuum-like audio treatment. My mind’s camera is catching this whole thing at the WACKIEST of angles. I just CAN’T EVEN. This is FANTASTIC fan-fiction!

    Like

  2. Oh I am crying from laughing so hard. “Yeah, patriarchy sucks.” Laughing hard. “Kim: ‘I’m so sorry!’ Bey vomits harder.” Laughing harder. Finally, “Shut her up” “O-” and the image of Taraji slapping her hand on Kim’s mouth? Knee slapping, rolling about. hysterics. Too too funny. Bonus hysterical line: “I thought she was vegan.” I’m dead.

    Like

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