The Lemons part 3

 

PART 1 and PART 2

 

If Jiggaman sends Beans down here to rough me up like those niggas did Jojo Simmons, I will be sarcastic and I’m gonna fight as hard as I can.

 

 

 

____________________________________________________________________

 

Bey: I think your ponies are thirsty, baby

Blue: It is late. They can’t sleep when they’re thirsty. Good thinking, mommy.

Bey: Ah ah. Give me your phone so I can turn off your twitter.

Blue: Okay, but don’t delete candy crush, please mommy

Bey: Okay baby

Bey: I can only threaten so many people for coming in my house unannounced before I snap, father.

Matty: I loved the country song

Bey: the first version ended with me shooting you 10 times

Matty: Yikes

Bey: Why did you make my daughter a goddamn twitter. In my house no less?

Bey: Do we not have security?

Matty: Well, they don’t usually stop famous people.

Bey: Clearly, but that doesn’t explain why they didn’t stop you

Matty: harsh

Bey: Stop that

Matty: what

Bey: That

Matty: This?

Bey: You’re not managing my daughter. If you lost some cocaine recently, look up your nose

Matty: Ouch

Bey: I want actual sentences about why you’re here

Matty: Listen to her name: Blue Ivy. She’ll never need an entertainment name! She’s the daughter of the most influential black couple in the world. She needs to work on her brand.

Bey: How about “Blue Ivy Brand Restraining Orders: For grandfathers that won’t quit”

Matty: You and Shawn are too busy to man-

Bey: No M word from you

Matty:… to take care of her image

Bey: I take care of her image just fine. Goodbye and suck my nuts, daddy.

Jay: Hey, babe, I heard Blue and

Jay: Father-in-law

Matty: Son-in-law

Bey: Bitch niggas

Matty: Damn

Jay: ouch

Bey: He was just walking out of our house and pretending he doesn’t exist

Matty: Well, it’s kinda hard to pretend you don’t exist-

Bey: When you you’re already so good at not existing. Go home, Matthew. You’re existing too much.

Matty: Welp, I’ll see you later, honey bee. Shawn, it was nice talking to you about Blue, I’ll see

Bey: what

Matty: Bye

 

*Matthew dives out of the window*

 

Bey: I will put your blood in a bong

Jay: He just wants to see his grandbaby

Bey: You won’t live to have the luxury of relating when I kill you tonight

Jay: Without him, you wouldn’t be here and Blue wouldn’t be here. Life is precious, B, and I don’t want you to watch your father die with bitterness in your heart. If you just give him a ch-

Bey: You sound like an entire bitch, right now

Bey: If you talk to my father without my knowledge again, I will fuck Anderson.Paak in front of you.

Jay: It couldn’t even be a new york nigga?

Bey: I won’t dignify that with a completed sentence because you

 

*Beyoncé walks back down the stairs onto the patio*

 

Bey: Oh, goodness

Prince: How is Blue

Bey: Mama, take him off your lap

Mama T: I’m not bothered

Mama T: Just hot

Prince: Is that any way to talk to your elders

Bey: You not fucking my mama

Taraji: Look, I gotta go. It’s been fun, but a bitch is tired and y’all put too much shit on my plate.

Ava: I’m drunk and I’ma crash here. Uber red flagged me because I always flirt with dark-skinned drivers. Aggressively.

Ava: Ima sleep with Prince.

Prince: Swag

Bey: Why won’t you stay in the basement

Prince: Because I love you guys

Bey: I-

 

*Doorbell rings to the tune of partition*

 

Bey: No one is supposed to

Bey: Prince if you don’t

Prince: Fine, bye

Ava: Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaace, bitch. It’s about to be purple rain all on my face and mouth.

Solo: Too soon

Ava: Not soon enough lmao

 

Bey: I’m grabbing my sword and stabbing whoever rang my doorbell

 

*Bey walks to the door with katana in hand like Uma Thurman in kill bill. What happened to Uma Thurman? Scarlett Johansson just came through and took her sauce*

 

Bey: Who is it

Leo: Leo

Bey: Leo who

Leo: the motherfucking Oscar award winning actor Leo

 

*Beyoncé opens the door to see Leonardo Dicaprio doing the Milly Rock while “Program” by Future plays off his phone. I need you to go listen to Program on youtube and imagine Leo aggressively milly-rocking with cut-away shots.*

 

Bey: If you’re not relaying a message for Martin Scorsese, you have wasted your energy

Leo: Congratulations on lemonade! I watched it and it was fucking dope lit! Malcolm X was right; black women are th-

Bey: Complete that quote and leave a eunuch

Leo: Right. Is Shawn in?

Bey: Are you here to protect his dick and tell him it’s safe from judgment

Leo: Just the first part lol

Bey: You white men fascinate me with your gay humor

Jay: Leo!

 

*Jay walks over and they do some sort of weird rich guy handshake that is only shared with the coolest token black friends*

 

Leo: You see what happened to Steph Curry? Ouch, right? And they still bust the Rockets ass!

Bey: I’m leaving

Leo:… Dude are you safe?

Jay: lol what

Leo: I saw Solange pull you out of that Uber earlier

Jay: How?

Leo: I was the Uber driver, man. I’m studying for a film role. I play a guy whose family dies, so he drives Uber and lives vicariously through others. One day he meets a black transvestite

Jay: transgender

Leo: Transman

Jay: She kicked you out last time. Remember Caitlyn was here and you called her “it”

Leo: Lmao but look at it. You’re telling me Bruce doesn’t look like that alien in Men In Black when he wore the farmer’s skin? With a wig? And nice legs?

Jay:

Jay: Yes. In this house, I can confidently say Caitlyn doesn’t look like an alien.

Leo: Wow, usually when a black guy is this whipped, he wins an Academy Award.

Leo: So where’s the fucking blow at, baby?

Jay: Kanye just left act-

Leo: Nah, his begging guys for money phase is weird. when he asked me at my Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt watch party, I felt all important and mighty. Then he asked David Schwimmer and I’m like “who the fuck let David Schwimmer in”

Jay: Right

Leo: then he asked David Spade so I just left the entire party and went to Tobago at that point

 

*meanwhile, on the patio*

 

Bey: Leonardo Dicaprio is here. Unfortunately.

Taraji: Oh? You know he’s playing a Macklemore-type rapper named “Jack Slack” on empire next season?

Bey: Thank you, T. You gave me a reason to bar him from my home indefinitely.

Bey: where are y’all getting the money for this?

Taraji: The same place you do

Bey: lol

Taraji: lol

Solo: lol?

Taraji: Its white people, baby. It’s a… an inside joke.

Solo: I have white fans

Bey: Gentrifiers don’t count

Taraji: We mean the property buyers, baby

Solo: Don’t patronize me. I know property buy-

Bey: Like neighborhoods

Taraji: Don’t make us keep doing this

Solo: Mommy

Mama T: Nobody told you to be all woke and kick a well connected business man in an elevator at a gala

Solo: And how is House of Dereon going tho

Bey: Ivy Park now. Try to keep up.

 

Leo: Queen Yonce!

 

*Leo goes up to Beyoncé and begins to kiss her feet*

 

Bey: get your tapeworm lips off of me. I’m not one of your exotic femdoms.

Leo: When you talk like that, I can’t tell

Bey: You know, all Sean Paul did was call you ugly and you barred us from collaborating anymore, Jay.

Leo: I don’t mean any harm, of course.

Leo: I just like how feet taste

Taraji: And bear dick

Leo: Oh, shit, Taraji. I haven’t seen you since the spades tournament at Chris Rock’s house

Taraji: Who would’ve thought you and Justin Timberlake were that good?

Leo: Well, Justin had been playing with Usher and Clifton Powell for so long. He ended up teaching me one weekend in llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllanty-

Taraji: Lanfairpigglesquigglewop? Is that like the yakub homeland?

Jay: lmao

Jay: Whoops

Bey: You always have permission to laugh at black women’s jokes, baby

Leo: Black women are actually the funniest women in the world. Every country I go to no matter what. The blacker the berry, the funnier the juice, I always say

Bey: You will find no brownie points here

Bey: If you’d actually seen lemonade, you might understand why I might not want someone of your pigment in my vicinity

Leo: I thought you were just mad at black guys. Baby daddies, non-existent dads, getting shot by cops. You know, your guys’ problems.

Bey: Get out of my house, you pasty nincompoop

Leo: Oh, boy, you sounded like that when I asked Caitlin if she used both bathrooms

Bey: Now I ask that you use one door. The front one.

Bey: in fact, We will all walk you to the door so that no one else sneaks in my damn house.

Ava: can somebody help a bitch get some water please

 

*Beyoncé photogenically rubs the bridge of her nose with her index and thumb*

 

Bey: Taraji, my honest ladybug, Solo, my most inspirational blood relative, can you go help her. Me and my husband must see Jack Slack off.

Leo: You told her? It was supposed to be a surprise when I dropped the single on iTunes. It’s called “Slack Lives Matter”

Bey: The devil broke the mold when he made you

Leo: I’ve never understood what “broke the mo-

Ava: I CAN’T FEEL MY LEEEGS, CHARLIE MURPHYYYY lmao

Bey: Leonardo, I want you to turn around, walk to the door and not look back until I slam the door.

Leo: That sounded like Ava. I can’t forget the voice that said “do you have one of those pink, naked mole rat dicks or like the newborn baby leg-

Bey: You can die tonight

Leo: That’s my cue. I’ll see you guys tomorrow. Me and Hugh Jackman are going to go bet on which of his servants would suck our dicks simultaneously.

 

*Taraji and Solange turn the corner to the kitchen to see Ava laying halfway out of the basement door, bottomless*

 

Taraji: How

Ava: He like some kind of sex fairy. He found my g spot and now when I try to move my arms, my legs move. I need nutrients

Solo: How did you even make it this far

Ava: Well, around the third time I saw the light and my grandma reaching for me, I spasmed and hit his ass in the head with his Hitachi.

Ava: The Hitachi damn near big as he is.

Solo: You didn’t kill him, did you

Ava: If you wanna go down and look, he has a smile on his face.

Ava: Raji, I need to use your headwrap as a skirt

Taraji: You telling me that effeminate little nigga didn’t have scarves for you to cover your cooter with?

Ava: They in a safe

 

*Meanwhile in the foyer, Beyoncé stares two burning holes into the back of Leo’s head as he walks to the ubercopter he sent for and then slams the door*

 

Bey: You know which white men are allowed at my house and you know goddamn well that the one that fucked Rihanna is certainly not

Jay: Baby

 

*Jay gently grabs both of Beyoncé’s hands and kisses each knuckle*

 

Jay: You’ve had a long day and you need to relax. You have a big tour coming up and lots of promo

Bey: “Lots of promo”. you sound fucking dumb. I’m not in Destiny’s Child anymore.

 

*The doorbell rings to the tune of ring the alarm*

 

Bey:

Jay:

Bey: If it’s anyone that I just put of my house, then I will feed my komodo dragons with their limbs

 

*Beyoncé promptly walks up to the door and opens it to find Tyler the Creator*

 

Bey: Good evening, Tyler! How are you? I read the poetry book you sent me. I’ll do the foreword if you like.

Tyler: Wow, I was just gonna let Tom Green or Murphy Lee do it, but this is, like waaaaaay better, lol

Tyler: I actually came with, like, some really urgent news

Bey: What is it?

Tyler: We found Frank

Bey: Where!?

Tyler: He was kidnapped

Bey: Was it Chris Brown? I knew we should’ve killed him when we h-

Tyler: No, worse. It was Azealia Banks.

Jay: Wow

Bey: … Who?

 

TO BE CONTINUED

PART 4

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11 thoughts on “The Lemons part 3

  1. I stumbled upon The Lemons Pt1 while on Awesomely Luuvie’s page, and this gets more hilarious with each part… I am so waiting on Pt 4…
    *Bey: I take care of her image just fine. Goodbye and suck my nuts, daddy. Lol

    Like

  2. I have been wishing Prince was still here since he left, but this right here? This makes me want him back even more so he can read it. This has me howling!

    Like

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