If Jiggaman sends Beans down here to rough me up like those niggas did Jojo Simmons, I will be sarcastic and I’m gonna fight as hard as I can.
Bey: I think your ponies are thirsty, baby
Blue: It is late. They can’t sleep when they’re thirsty. Good thinking, mommy.
Bey: Ah ah. Give me your phone so I can turn off your twitter.
Blue: Okay, but don’t delete candy crush, please mommy
Bey: Okay baby
Bey: I can only threaten so many people for coming in my house unannounced before I snap, father.
Matty: I loved the country song
Bey: the first version ended with me shooting you 10 times
Bey: Why did you make my daughter a goddamn twitter. In my house no less?
Bey: Do we not have security?
Matty: Well, they don’t usually stop famous people.
Bey: Clearly, but that doesn’t explain why they didn’t stop you
Bey: Stop that
Bey: You’re not managing my daughter. If you lost some cocaine recently, look up your nose
Bey: I want actual sentences about why you’re here
Matty: Listen to her name: Blue Ivy. She’ll never need an entertainment name! She’s the daughter of the most influential black couple in the world. She needs to work on her brand.
Bey: How about “Blue Ivy Brand Restraining Orders: For grandfathers that won’t quit”
Matty: You and Shawn are too busy to man-
Bey: No M word from you
Matty:… to take care of her image
Bey: I take care of her image just fine. Goodbye and suck my nuts, daddy.
Jay: Hey, babe, I heard Blue and
Bey: Bitch niggas
Bey: He was just walking out of our house and pretending he doesn’t exist
Matty: Well, it’s kinda hard to pretend you don’t exist-
Bey: When you you’re already so good at not existing. Go home, Matthew. You’re existing too much.
Matty: Welp, I’ll see you later, honey bee. Shawn, it was nice talking to you about Blue, I’ll see
*Matthew dives out of the window*
Bey: I will put your blood in a bong
Jay: He just wants to see his grandbaby
Bey: You won’t live to have the luxury of relating when I kill you tonight
Jay: Without him, you wouldn’t be here and Blue wouldn’t be here. Life is precious, B, and I don’t want you to watch your father die with bitterness in your heart. If you just give him a ch-
Bey: You sound like an entire bitch, right now
Bey: If you talk to my father without my knowledge again, I will fuck Anderson.Paak in front of you.
Jay: It couldn’t even be a new york nigga?
Bey: I won’t dignify that with a completed sentence because you
*Beyoncé walks back down the stairs onto the patio*
Bey: Oh, goodness
Prince: How is Blue
Bey: Mama, take him off your lap
Mama T: I’m not bothered
Mama T: Just hot
Prince: Is that any way to talk to your elders
Bey: You not fucking my mama
Taraji: Look, I gotta go. It’s been fun, but a bitch is tired and y’all put too much shit on my plate.
Ava: I’m drunk and I’ma crash here. Uber red flagged me because I always flirt with dark-skinned drivers. Aggressively.
Ava: Ima sleep with Prince.
Bey: Why won’t you stay in the basement
Prince: Because I love you guys
*Doorbell rings to the tune of partition*
Bey: No one is supposed to
Bey: Prince if you don’t
Prince: Fine, bye
Ava: Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaace, bitch. It’s about to be purple rain all on my face and mouth.
Solo: Too soon
Ava: Not soon enough lmao
Bey: I’m grabbing my sword and stabbing whoever rang my doorbell
*Bey walks to the door with katana in hand like Uma Thurman in kill bill. What happened to Uma Thurman? Scarlett Johansson just came through and took her sauce*
Bey: Who is it
Bey: Leo who
Leo: the motherfucking Oscar award winning actor Leo
*Beyoncé opens the door to see Leonardo Dicaprio doing the Milly Rock while “Program” by Future plays off his phone. I need you to go listen to Program on youtube and imagine Leo aggressively milly-rocking with cut-away shots.*
Bey: If you’re not relaying a message for Martin Scorsese, you have wasted your energy
Leo: Congratulations on lemonade! I watched it and it was fucking dope lit! Malcolm X was right; black women are th-
Bey: Complete that quote and leave a eunuch
Leo: Right. Is Shawn in?
Bey: Are you here to protect his dick and tell him it’s safe from judgment
Leo: Just the first part lol
Bey: You white men fascinate me with your gay humor
*Jay walks over and they do some sort of weird rich guy handshake that is only shared with the coolest token black friends*
Leo: You see what happened to Steph Curry? Ouch, right? And they still bust the Rockets ass!
Bey: I’m leaving
Leo:… Dude are you safe?
Jay: lol what
Leo: I saw Solange pull you out of that Uber earlier
Leo: I was the Uber driver, man. I’m studying for a film role. I play a guy whose family dies, so he drives Uber and lives vicariously through others. One day he meets a black transvestite
Jay: She kicked you out last time. Remember Caitlyn was here and you called her “it”
Leo: Lmao but look at it. You’re telling me Bruce doesn’t look like that alien in Men In Black when he wore the farmer’s skin? With a wig? And nice legs?
Jay: Yes. In this house, I can confidently say Caitlyn doesn’t look like an alien.
Leo: Wow, usually when a black guy is this whipped, he wins an Academy Award.
Leo: So where’s the fucking blow at, baby?
Jay: Kanye just left act-
Leo: Nah, his begging guys for money phase is weird. when he asked me at my Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt watch party, I felt all important and mighty. Then he asked David Schwimmer and I’m like “who the fuck let David Schwimmer in”
Leo: then he asked David Spade so I just left the entire party and went to Tobago at that point
*meanwhile, on the patio*
Bey: Leonardo Dicaprio is here. Unfortunately.
Taraji: Oh? You know he’s playing a Macklemore-type rapper named “Jack Slack” on empire next season?
Bey: Thank you, T. You gave me a reason to bar him from my home indefinitely.
Bey: where are y’all getting the money for this?
Taraji: The same place you do
Taraji: Its white people, baby. It’s a… an inside joke.
Solo: I have white fans
Bey: Gentrifiers don’t count
Taraji: We mean the property buyers, baby
Solo: Don’t patronize me. I know property buy-
Bey: Like neighborhoods
Taraji: Don’t make us keep doing this
Mama T: Nobody told you to be all woke and kick a well connected business man in an elevator at a gala
Solo: And how is House of Dereon going tho
Bey: Ivy Park now. Try to keep up.
Leo: Queen Yonce!
*Leo goes up to Beyoncé and begins to kiss her feet*
Bey: get your tapeworm lips off of me. I’m not one of your exotic femdoms.
Leo: When you talk like that, I can’t tell
Bey: You know, all Sean Paul did was call you ugly and you barred us from collaborating anymore, Jay.
Leo: I don’t mean any harm, of course.
Leo: I just like how feet taste
Taraji: And bear dick
Leo: Oh, shit, Taraji. I haven’t seen you since the spades tournament at Chris Rock’s house
Taraji: Who would’ve thought you and Justin Timberlake were that good?
Leo: Well, Justin had been playing with Usher and Clifton Powell for so long. He ended up teaching me one weekend in llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllanty-
Taraji: Lanfairpigglesquigglewop? Is that like the yakub homeland?
Bey: You always have permission to laugh at black women’s jokes, baby
Leo: Black women are actually the funniest women in the world. Every country I go to no matter what. The blacker the berry, the funnier the juice, I always say
Bey: You will find no brownie points here
Bey: If you’d actually seen lemonade, you might understand why I might not want someone of your pigment in my vicinity
Leo: I thought you were just mad at black guys. Baby daddies, non-existent dads, getting shot by cops. You know, your guys’ problems.
Bey: Get out of my house, you pasty nincompoop
Leo: Oh, boy, you sounded like that when I asked Caitlin if she used both bathrooms
Bey: Now I ask that you use one door. The front one.
Bey: in fact, We will all walk you to the door so that no one else sneaks in my damn house.
Ava: can somebody help a bitch get some water please
*Beyoncé photogenically rubs the bridge of her nose with her index and thumb*
Bey: Taraji, my honest ladybug, Solo, my most inspirational blood relative, can you go help her. Me and my husband must see Jack Slack off.
Leo: You told her? It was supposed to be a surprise when I dropped the single on iTunes. It’s called “Slack Lives Matter”
Bey: The devil broke the mold when he made you
Leo: I’ve never understood what “broke the mo-
Ava: I CAN’T FEEL MY LEEEGS, CHARLIE MURPHYYYY lmao
Bey: Leonardo, I want you to turn around, walk to the door and not look back until I slam the door.
Leo: That sounded like Ava. I can’t forget the voice that said “do you have one of those pink, naked mole rat dicks or like the newborn baby leg-
Bey: You can die tonight
Leo: That’s my cue. I’ll see you guys tomorrow. Me and Hugh Jackman are going to go bet on which of his servants would suck our dicks simultaneously.
*Taraji and Solange turn the corner to the kitchen to see Ava laying halfway out of the basement door, bottomless*
Ava: He like some kind of sex fairy. He found my g spot and now when I try to move my arms, my legs move. I need nutrients
Solo: How did you even make it this far
Ava: Well, around the third time I saw the light and my grandma reaching for me, I spasmed and hit his ass in the head with his Hitachi.
Ava: The Hitachi damn near big as he is.
Solo: You didn’t kill him, did you
Ava: If you wanna go down and look, he has a smile on his face.
Ava: Raji, I need to use your headwrap as a skirt
Taraji: You telling me that effeminate little nigga didn’t have scarves for you to cover your cooter with?
Ava: They in a safe
*Meanwhile in the foyer, Beyoncé stares two burning holes into the back of Leo’s head as he walks to the ubercopter he sent for and then slams the door*
Bey: You know which white men are allowed at my house and you know goddamn well that the one that fucked Rihanna is certainly not
*Jay gently grabs both of Beyoncé’s hands and kisses each knuckle*
Jay: You’ve had a long day and you need to relax. You have a big tour coming up and lots of promo
Bey: “Lots of promo”. you sound fucking dumb. I’m not in Destiny’s Child anymore.
*The doorbell rings to the tune of ring the alarm*
Bey: If it’s anyone that I just put of my house, then I will feed my komodo dragons with their limbs
*Beyoncé promptly walks up to the door and opens it to find Tyler the Creator*
Bey: Good evening, Tyler! How are you? I read the poetry book you sent me. I’ll do the foreword if you like.
Tyler: Wow, I was just gonna let Tom Green or Murphy Lee do it, but this is, like waaaaaay better, lol
Tyler: I actually came with, like, some really urgent news
Bey: What is it?
Tyler: We found Frank
Tyler: He was kidnapped
Bey: Was it Chris Brown? I knew we should’ve killed him when we h-
Tyler: No, worse. It was Azealia Banks.
Bey: … Who?
TO BE CONTINUED