The Lemons Part 36

ARCHIVES

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*Bruno Mars sits on a couch in Beyoncé’s living room between Slaybell and Naomi420 as Beyoncé paces back and forth while holding the twins. Jay Z uses his phone for grown man shit while Solange watches her sister*
Bey: So they’re holding Prince where?
Bruno: Its like a secret missile silo for inhumane experiments. They take music real seriously.
Bruno: Last I heard, they were cloning dead people for some big concert.
Bey: That’s dumb. A zombie concert?
Bruno: Could you imagine how long that would be trending? Shit, I’d pay good good money to see Marvin Gaye’s corpse sing.
Bruno: Condo-in-Manhattan money.
Bey: Please dont reference your songs in front of me.
Solo: How high is the security? Are we talking regular jail or, like, Avengers?
Bruno: Avengers. Are you kidding me? They’re cloning dead people.
Bey: No problem.
Bruno: Yes, problem. You can’t just teleport in and out and kill everybody. They have electromagnetic force fields and other science fiction shit all over the place.
Bey: Then we’ll have to fight those tropes with another trope.
Bey: You will bring us uniforms.
Bruno: Uhhhh
Bey: What, do they know you’re a traitorous, bitch ass nigga already?
Bruno: No, you meanie.
Bruno: But I can’t just waltz in and out with WB uniforms.
Bey: Then do the salsa, nigga, I don’t care. You wanted to help, now help.

Bruno: This what you gotta put up with every day, huh, Jay?
Bey: He doesn’t have to put up with this.
*Slaybell begins twisting Bruno’s ear.*
Bruno: Okay, yeeowch.
Bey: We’re going to free you and let you get what we need. If we find out you’re not getting what we need, I’m chopping off whatever you need.
Bruno: Not my hair, though!
Bey: Okay, that then.
Bey: Naomi, I want you to watch him since Slaybell thinks he’s so funny.
Slaybell: But my Queen–
Bey: Hush. Your presence is more useful to me at this time.
Slaybell: Yes, Supreme Lioness of Texas.
*Bruno stands up and Naomi stands up a split second after. Beyoncé gets in Bruno’s face and squints.*
Bey: Nigga, if you double-cross me, I’m turning you into diced pineapples.
Bruno: I promise I won’t. Being on Beyoncé’s bad side isn’t gonna help me now that I’m R&B.
Bruno: You should look up some better Polynesian stereotypes, though.
Bey: If you don’t hula your ass out my house and get those motherfucking uniforms, b.
*Bruno blows Slaybell a kiss before Naomi jumps on his back. Bruno leaves like he planned on her doing that shit.*
*Beyoncé turns on Jay Z, just to see him laughing at something on his phone. She spits on the phone and her husband wipes it off like its a raindrop*
Bey: So you had nothing to add? You chilling?
Jay: I’m chilling.
Bey: Yo, killing you would actually be a detriment to my career right now.
Jay: I’m glad you realize that.
*Beyoncé kisses him on the forehead*
Bey: Mommy, soon as Bruno gets back, I’ll need you to keep Blue for me.
Mama T: And the twins?
Bey: No, they’re coming with me.
Jay: No.
Bey: I’m not leaving my babies.
Jay: Then I’m coming.
Bey: Oh my God. You’ll be in my way.
Jay:
Jay: The twins won’t be?
Bey: Why would they be?
Jay: I
Jay:
Jay: Are you trolling me?

*Beyoncé’s iPhoner walks into the room and displays “Aretha” on the screen it calls a face.*
Bey: I’ll get back to you saying I look like a troll.
*Bey presses the iPhoner’s screen*

Bey: Hi, Aretha.
Aretha: Hey, baby. How are you?
Bey: I’m fine. Are you about to ask me for help with something?
Aretha: I sure am.
Bey: Aretha, I’m in the middle of an emergency. Also, I just had my babies.
Aretha: You know I know that mess. That’s actually what I need help with.
Bey: … My babies?
Aretha: No, my babies.
Bey: Juventud and the tiger?
Aretha: No, heffer, my children im about to have.
Bey: What.
Aretha: Juventud got me pregnant.
Bey: No he didn’t.
Aretha: Yeah he did. He nut in me and gave me triplets.
Bey: Why, though.

Aretha: Cuz I’m looking all good with my slim waist.
Aretha: I want you to host my baby shower.
Bey: No, why did you get pregnant?
Aretha: No, mind your fucking business. Just come make jokes about me being old and giving birth.
Bey: *siiiiiiiiiigh* When is it?
Aretha: This weekend.
Aretha: I’m not paying you.
Bey: I don’t care, Aretha. I really have shit to do.
Bey: Solange can do it.
Solange: Nah, nigga.
Aretha: Solange too high for me. I want you to do it.
Bey: I assure you that what I need to do can’t wait.
Solo: What does “too high for me” mean?
Aretha: Fine. I’ll get Rihanna to do it.
Bey: Sweet.
*Beyoncé turns the iPhoneR around pushes it out of the room*
Solo: I thought she’d didn’t fuck with Rihanna like that. I think she’s bluffing.
Bey: I don’t care. I’m going upstairs to sleep. I haven’t had a chance to rest since I had these babies.
Solo: I’ll take them.
*Solange goes to Rumi but Beyoncé spins around, moving the baby away as her sister stumbles after her.*
Bey: No, the babies sleep when I do. You can focus on being relevant.
Solo: Thank you, bitch.
Bey: Shawn, I’m going to sleep.
Jay: Holla holla holla.
Bey: Come with me.
Jay: But, baby… I’m being relevant, too…
Bey: This is what I get when I ask my husband and father of my children to lay with me?
*a single diamond rolls down Beyoncé’s cheek*
Jay: I’m… I’m coming.

*Steve Harvey, Dave Chappelle and Nate Parker walk into Kanye and Kim’s home as Kim Kardashian closes the door behind them. Steve Harvey puts his hands on his hips and admires the living room.*
Steve: Boy, this some old Jetsons stuff y’all got going on in here. He gon mess around be in debt again.

Kim: lol no we’re fine. He’s in the back in the studio.
*Steve and his compatriots follow Kim through the kitchen and into their living room where a black door stands out on a white wall. Kim opens the door a little and peeks inside. Whatever she’s saying is muffled by the music coming from inside and then the music stops.*
Kim: Kanye says you guys can come in.
*Kim opens the door all the way and Steve walks in cautiously like it’s a project hallway. Dave strolls right in behind Steve and Nate looks around suspiciously*
*Kanye is at the mixing board behind Rick Rubin, nodding his head with a look of deep thought on his face. He turns around and lights up at the sight of Dave Chappelle.*
Kanye: Aw, man, where you been at, Dave?

Dave: Same place you been, nigga. Hiding from black people ever since I said something nice about Trump.

Dave: I’m assuming you talked to the BrotherFather.

Kanye: Of course. We had been speaking ever since I put him in the famous video. We talked about some important stuff, man. He’s so wise.
*Kanye looks at the other two men*
Kanye: Steve. Nate Robinson.
*Steve shakes Kanye’s hand and still looks at him like a nigga he doesn’t think highly of. Nate Parker gets a tight grip on Kanye’s hand and says*
Nate: Its Nate Parker, nigga.
*Everyone looks at Nate Parker like he said he licks feet*
Nate: Ha… Ha ha ha. My nigga.
Dave: What you in here working on, man? I’m trying to hear some of that hot fire.
Kanye: Oh, yeah yeah. Wait, here’s some of my new joint. It’s called “On Me”. I got Future to jump on it with me.

*Kanye turns to Rick Rubin and gives him a nod. Rick returns the nod and presses a button on the boards. The main guitar riff of “War Pigs” by Black Sabbath quietly starts the song, heavily distorted with slight reverb. As the song gets louder, Kanye’s vocals come in.*
Kanye: THESE NIGGAS LAME I SHOULDA STUCK WITH DAME

Kanye: Know I’m a real nigga cuz I use my real name.

Kanye: yeah, my pink polos kept the Roc a float

Kanye: before me, hey, they didn’t know a rock could float

Kanye: Unh, they didn’t think that I could rock a show.

Kanye: wearing backpacks, Louis V and proper clothes.

Kanye: We getting higher than a rocket go.

Kanye: This coat don’t come out til April but I’ma rock it tho.

Kanye: Woo, if it’s fresh it’s on me.

Kanye: That ass fat, then this dress is on me.

Kanye: She said “Ye, can you get it for me?” haanh?

Kanye:… I guess that neck wasn’t for free

Future: You zimi rolling woo dat muddy oanme yeah

Future: Deezbitches fuggin yeah da nats be oanme yeah

Future: I’m flossinwitdarollie shining oanme

Future: I got dat stick you see me hoalit oanme
*Kanye starts rocking out as the instrumental plays. Rick Rubin nods his head like the song quiet as shit.*
Dave: Awww, nigga, this is tough.

Nate: I like the part about buying hoes stuff.

Steve: I didn’t understand nothing… And I mean nothing… That other dude said.

Nate: Future not for niggas with mustaches like yours.
*Steve’s head jerks back slightly at the appalling comment*
Dave: Did you have to diss Jay, though, man ?

Kanye: He came at me first. Besides, all I said was niggas is lame and I shoulda stuck with Dame.

Steve: I don’t know, man. He out here preaching financial wellness for the black man and you talking about free head.

Steve: If you wasn’t paying for pussy, maybe he wouldn’t have had to give you money and expose you for it. But don’t listen to me, I’m just loved AND respected.

Kanye: Steve, you don’t even know what you’re talking about, fam. Where did you even come from?

Dave: Look, man, the BrotherFather ain’t send us here to talk you out of beefing with Hov. We need help with  some shit. Some shit of utmost seriousness.

Kanye: Y’all paying?

Steve: … Wut?

Kanye: Are you paying for my help?

Kanye: I’m not free until I’m free.

Nate: I hear that.

Steve: You niggas about to– Look, man. You close to Beyoncé, okay? Bill Cosby–

Nate: BrotherFather.
*Steve clasps his hands in front of his face*
Steve: We all know he Bill Cosby, Nate. I’m not about to call this man a brotherfather all day. He Bill Cosby. He made Fat Albert, okay? He eat pudding, dog. He drug people. He Bill Cosby.

Steve: As I was saying, Bill Cosby
*Steve looks at Nate*
Steve: want us to hurt feminism or whatever and you close to Beyoncé. He want you to trap her or something.

Kanye: She hasn’t talked to me in like 2 years, fam. And I’m not about to set up the mother of my godchildren.

Steve: She know they your godchildren?

Steve: Like, I ain’t even seen you near the girl.

Kanye: If I didn’t owe the BrotherFather, I wouldn’t be entertaining this.

Dave: Wait, that’s it! Kids!

Dave: Kidnap her kids. It’s classic villain shit.

Nate: We’d never get close enough.

Dave: Hm, if only one of us had a show where kids came on and said dumb shit.
*Everyone looks at Steve*
Steve: Hell nah

 
*OKAY MOVE ALONG*

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