So I decided to write a Black Panther story because why not
*T’Challa and Nakiya sit at a table for two in a stylish East Wakandan restaurant called “the Jade Gazelle”. The establishment has a glow thanks to vibranium infused lighting that vibrates various hues of green. The former couple could finally find peace at home after what could count as a political world tour. Nakiya raised support for her community outreach center as T’Challa hopped countries to strengthen Wakandan relations.
A week after announcing that Wakanda would be more active globally, the city had become abuzz with rumors and conspiracies. T’Challa had to shut down a small radius around the restaurant to keep away bloggers and nosy citizens.*
Nakiya: I think I will haaaaave theeeeeee-
T’Challa: Oh my goodness.
Nakiya: You hush.
T’Challa: You always get the jollof rice. Just get the jollof.
Nakiya: Not this time. I dont really like Wakandan jollof anymore.
T’Challa: Why do you say this?
Nakiya: I like the Ghanian more now.
T’Challa: Yuck, Nakia. That is nasty and also treason. I should have you arrested.
Nakiya: And who is going to arrest me? Everyone likes me more than you.
T’Challa: Now that is a lie.
Nakiya: This isn’t America, T’Challa. We all know you here.
*T’Challa pretends to throw his menu at Nakiya as she uses her’s as a shield and giggles behind it*
Waiter: . . .
T’Challa: Oh, pardon our immaturity.
Nakiya: Your immaturity.
*T’Challa shoots her a look*
T’Challa: I’d like the beef suya with jollof rice, please.
Nakiya: And I will have the sriracha ndolé with plantains.
Waiter: And your drink?
T’Challa: I will just have water.
Nakiya: Can you make me a drink that is half lemonade and half black tea? And a few spoons of cane sugar, please?
Waiter: You mean an Arnold Palmer?
T’Challa: Shuri said they are called “half and halfs”. Arnold Palmer does not have as much sugar apparently.
Waiter: These American drinks are very confusing. There is one where they just mix the poisonous sodas. It is dreadful.
*Nakiya gives a perturbed look to the waiter*
Nakiya: That is our order.
Waiter: Yes, of course.
*the waiter leaves and walks through a vibranium infused wall that forms a small hole for entry*.
T’Challa: ughck, sriracha ndolé.
Nakia: Your tastebuds are very unrefined, king.
*T’Challa leans forward*
T’Challa: I hear that you went to Xavier’s institute.
T’Challa: How was it?
Nakiya: It was interesting. Professor Xavier is a charming man. He did not read my mind once.
T’Challa: That you know of.
Nakiya: and you would know all about reading minds?
T’Challa: You have the jokes. And what did Xavier say?
Nakiya: That he fully supports your idea and had wondered when Wakanda would take interest in America. He’s very aware of the civil rights issues taking place there and has been allowing his students to help how they see fit.
Nakiya: He introduced me to a woman who will be bringing kids to the center. I believe her name was Ororo.
T’Challa: You mean Storm.
*Nakiya raises an eyebrow*
Nakiya: You’re a fan?
T’Challa: . . . You could say.
Nakiya: She seems like your type.
T’Challa: You think every black woman is my type.
Nakiya: Because every black woman is your type.
T’Challa: You make me sound promiscuous.
*the waiter comes back to the table and places their drinks*
Waiter: Your water and Arnold Half and Half.
T’Challa: Thank you.
*Nakiya sips her drink*
Nakiya: That is. . . Not what I thought it would be.
Waiter: Forgive us for following your recipe.
Nakiya: Can you just bring more sugar out? Thank you.
Waiter: What is this ‘thank you’ before the deed is done nonsense? You spies, you leave Wakanda and come back without your manners.
Waiter: Pardon my candor.
Nakiya: It is pardoned.
Nakiya: My sugar, though.
Waiter: Yes, of course
*the waiter leaves to get sugar while Nakiya takes another sip*
T’Challa: The waiter is right, you know. You act like Beyonce ever since the Killmonger coup.
Nakiya: I took one interview with the Daily Bugle and all of you call me Beyonce. Did she even accept your invitation to the palace yet?
T’Challa: No, actually. It is perplexing.
*Okoye, general of the Dora Milaje, walks into the restaurant and stands beside T’Challa and Nakiya’s table*
Okoye: King T’Challa, M’Baku of the Jabari tribe has come to speak with you.
Okoye: *sigh* M’Baku is upset with yo and I knew you would deem it unkind to kill him where he stands.
T’Challa: Yes. He is a member of the council after all.
Okoye: And he can be removed violently. He is arrogant to be the first of his kind in the Wakandan Royal Council.
Nakiya: Perhaps being first is what makes him arrogant.
T’Challa: No. He is just what Shuri calls a “douchebag”.
Okoye: A what?
T’Challa: A– it is irrelevant. You may let him in.
Okoye: he brought 20 men and his spawn.
T’Challa: Bast strengthen me. Let them all in.
T’Challa: You would’ve killed him in front of his children?
Okoye: And smiled.
*Okoye leaves to inform M’Baku that his audience with the king will be allowed. As Okoye leaves, the waiter walks back in with their food.*
Waiter: Here you are, king and misguided spy girl.
T’Challa: So, Just so you know, we will be having guests.
Waiter: That is more coin for me and my family so I have no complaints, my king.
*Two Jabari men walk into the building and turn to face each other a few feet ahead of the door. M’Baku proceeds to walk in with three children. Two girls that seem to be tall 12 years old and a small boy that could be 5 or 7. The girls had matching cornrows and the boy had a hairstyle much like his father’s. They look around suspiciously as if something could be planning to attack them.*
Waiter: Jabari!? My king–
T’Challa: I assure you your establishment will be safe. You will be reimbursed any financial inconveniences plus more.
Nakiya: This shall be interesting.
*the waiter leaves as M’Baku walks towards T’Challa and Nakiya’s table.*
M’Baku: Kitten King.
T’Challa: Prince of Primates.
T’Challa: Shall I have them bring you chairs?
M’Baku: That is unnecessary.
*A Jabari appears suddenly with a chair to fit M’Baku’s size. M’Baku sits down and his children take their places on his lap; the two girls on one side and the boy on the other. The kids look at T’Challa with contempt.*
Nakiya: Your children are lovely.
M’Baku: Don’t talk about my children.
M’Baku: I kid. They are adorable aren’t they? These are the twins, M’Badu and M’Buda, and our future king, M’Baka.
M’Baku: Say hi to the ingrates.
M’Badu & M’Buda: Hi.
T’Challa: Hello. I am surprised you only have 3.
M’Baku: Well I was not bringing all 17. Have you tried controlling 17 children at once? I’d rather fight you with my arms behind my back.
M’Baku: I hope I did not interrupt a precious, romantic afternoon. I’ve been staying in this city waiting to meet with you over your actions.
T’Challa: My actions?
M’Baku: I’m glad you repeated what I said like an imbecile. You see, I come from the mountain of my people and one of the first things I see is a memorial to traitors. Regardless of your emotions, N’Jobu and his son have both brought great danger to Wakanda. Shall you make a memorial to the man who killed your father, also? Oh, wait, he is alive and frolics here amongst the children!
M’Baku: And if forgiving the pale demon wasn’t enough, I hear upon my arrival that you will be sharing Wakandan secrets with colonizer governments?
T’Challa: You make these things sound quite negative.
M’Baku: Kolo, they are negative, ah!
M’Baku: Until your colonizer sympathizer father received Bast’s blessing, Wakanda was peaceful.
Nakiya: Not to interrupt you, but there have been an average of 4 coup attempts a year since 1736.
M’Baku: Ehhhh? And you are statistician O?
T’Challa: So you have once again come from your mountain just to disrespect the Black Panthers?
M’Baku: I have yet to meet a Black Panther worthy of respect, so it is my prerogative.
M’Baku: Do not forget that your mother and your ex-girlfriend–
*M’Baku points at Nakiya. M’Badu and M’Buda giggle.*
M’Baku: –Her. Right there. Came crying to me with a colorless American and begged me to save your kingdom. I could have left your body to become a statue of despair on my lands. I could have done my rightful duty and taken control of Wakanda. But Hanumon spoke to me and he told me that saving you was the best thing to do. Giving you to your mommy was the best thing to do.
M’Baku: And still, I had to come and save you and your gang of bald headed spearmistresses from a half Wakandan. The words make my mouth taste like foul dung.
T’Challa: Are you done?
T’Challa: Are you done?
M’Baku: Hahahaha. My children, you see, I said this to him when he had a tender moment with a white man. His use of the words against me show an insecurity only fitting of a man who inherits the Black Panther mask.
*T’Challa stands up from his seat and activates his Black Panther armor. Soon as the chair hits the floor, Okoye walks into the restaurant. Both Jabari guards reach for her but she ducks and twirls her spear, knocking them both unconscious with the blunt end. M’Baku looks at T’Challa with a look of amusement as Okoye puts the sharp end of her spear behind his neck.
M’Badu and M’Buda suddenly jump over their father’s shoulders and grab Okoye’s spear. Okoye tries to take it back but she finds that the strength of the two young women matches a full grown Jabari man*
Nakiya takes a bite of her sriracha ndolé. She’s been eating the whole time*
Nakiya: T’Challa. Sit down please.
M’Baku: Why bother? You know that cats do not listen.
T’Challa: I say we finish this now.
M’Baku: Are you sure? I’m feeling much more confident knowing that you let a foreigner emasculate you in front of your family.
Nakiya: This is why–would you like some?
M’Baku: Is that cow? No no no no no.
M’Baka: No no.
T’Challa: Seriously, Nakiya?
Nakiya: This is why we have council meetings. So that men like you don’t decide to get in your testosterone and fight in public.
M’Baku: It is sexist that you left the monk woman out of your blame.
Nakiya: Okoye, could you not fight the children.
Okoye: Make them let go of my spear
M’Badu & M’Buda: You started it.
*M’Badu and M’Buda release Okoye’s spear and take fighting stances. Okoye looks as if she can’t ascertain their seriousness.*
M’Baku: Well? Are you going to pounce at me or are we done?
T’Challa: You just came here to yell at me?
M’Baku: Yes, basically.
M’Baku: The mother of 4 of my children claims that venting is healthy. I could not wait until the gathering of the council to tell you what a bad job you are doing. I would hope you will heed my disappointment before announcing a soccer team or a resort for white people to safely fetishize us.
M’Baku: Being that it is not challenge day, my favorite holiday, I see no reason to beat the panther’s spirit from your flesh. I will see you at the next council meeting T’Challa.
*T’Challa powers down his costume*
T’Challa: That is like 2 hours from now.
M’Baku: Yes. I look forward to airing my grievances to equally embarrassed Wakandans of high status.
*M’Baku puts his son down and stands up*
M’Baku: You can keep the chair. It is a gift.
M’Baka: Be grateful.
*M’Baku and his children walk past Okoye and towards the door. M’Badu and M’Buda kick the guards until they wake up. Once the bodyguards gathered their senses, they walked out of the door and M’Baku followed*
Nakiya: Being a good king is not easy.
T’Challa: You know, there are people that think I should build a vibranium wall blocking Jabari Mountain.
T’Challa: I wouldn’t do that, of course. I mentioned it to Shuri and she called me “Trumpchalla”.
Nakiya: That is your new name.
T’Challa: Oh, goodness.
Okoye: I must say, M’Baku’s daughters are impressive. They would make excellent Dora Milaje.
Nakiya: They were so fast.
Okoye: Weren’t they? They grabbed my spear before I realized they were there. They actually startled me hahahaha.
T’Challa: I didn’t even get to eat my food.