The Lemons Part 29

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*Jay Z, Kanye and Leo sit around Jay’s kitchen table with bottles of Ace of Spades. Jay Z pops one and begins drinking it straight from the bottle.*

 

Leo: After what you just did to Drake, I think he’s going to go back to not beefing anymore. You flamed his ass, man.

Jay: It wasn’t personal, just business.

Kanye: I mean, you dissed him because PND sang about fucking your wife. That’s personal, fam.

Jay: And it would’ve had me looking crazy and fucked up my business.

Jay: I’m the highest echelon; the most Elite. You don’t let shit like that slide.

Kanye: I don’t know, Drake been on his shit.

Jay: More than me?

Kanye: Yes.

Leo: Absolutely.

Jay: Nobody asked you, nigga.

Kanye: Drake is at his peak right now. You’re in your decline. Numbers don’t lie.

Jay: Hahaha, wow. I’m a living legend, though.

Kanye: Being a living legend didn’t keep Ali from losing to Larry Holmes.

Leo: He’s right.

Jay: Yo, hush.

Kanye: Look, you got a family now; you rap about paintings and yachts.

Jay: Nigga, you do, too.

Kanye: But my wife didn’t make a film and album about me cheating on her. Your sauce is draining, fam. I’m being honest.

Jay: So because you’re doing hooks for Juicy J and wearing expensive thrift store clothes, you’re the hot one? You can’t tell me when I’m hot? Nigga, I put you on!

Kanye: Wow, this not even about me. I’m not beefing with anybody.

Jay: You were beefing with Cudi until you got him put in rehab.

Kanye: Hahaha what? He went in himself. He wrote a Facebook note. You saw that.

Jay: Nigga, we both know.

Leo: Know what?

Kanye: Jay, chill.

Jay: Nah, you chill, b. Come in my house and tell me I’m falling off.

Kanye: I mean rap-wise. Did you hear your verse on Keys?

Jay: Nigga, did you hear your verse on THat Part? Did you hear your verse on fucking Stretch My Hands? You talking about getting asshole bleach on your shirt, my nigga.

Kanye: I feel like you projecting, Jay.

Jay: Fuck outta here.

Leo: Guys, I hate seeing you fight, guys.

*The doorbell rings to the melody of Beautiful Nightmare*

 

*Jay, Kanye and Leo look at each other.*

 

Jay:

Kanye:

Leo: Fine, I’ll get it. I’m outnumbered.

Jay: Outnumbered by what?

Leo: Like, guys that want me to open the door, I don’t know.

 

*Leo walks up to the door and opens it to find Drake standing at the door*

 

Drake: Leo, my guy. What are you doing here?

Leo: I’m the slave.

Drake: Hahahaha, maybe that should be your next role.

Leo: It usually is on Saturday’s at Lucy Liu’s house.

Drake: Well

Leo: Uh, come on in, I guess.

 

*Drake walks into the house and sees Jay and Kanye in the kitchen. Drake waves and walks towards them as Leo walks outside*

 

Jay: Man, what.

Drake: What’s up, fellow legends? Hahaha

Kanye: What’s good, fam? We were just talking about you.

Drake: Good things, I hope. How is Kim doing?

Kanye: She’s more modest and shit. It’s kinda embarrassing, but she’s doing good. She’s more scared of the police than I am now.

Jay: Why you in my house, Graham?

Drake: I wanted to call a truce.

Jay: A truce?

Drake: A truce. I thought it would be more mature if I spoke to you face to face. I do respect you greatly, after all.

Jay: Do you?

Drake: Yes. I don’t care what everyone says about your Pound Cake verse, I thought it was hot.

Jay: What is everyone saying?

Kanye: This is great, I’m glad y’all can squash this shit.

Jay: Not so fast.

Drake: Huh?

Jay: Why did my wife come to you?

Drake: To talk.

Jay: About?

Drake: Rihanna. She told me about. . . Some stuff.

Jay: Ah–Ohhhhhhhhh.

Drake: She doesn’t respect our relationship and she wanted to disrespect yours and I wanted no parts of it. That’s why PND did what he did. You understand people rarely say no to your wife.

Kanye: Oh, he knows. Yo, Drake can say no to your wife, why can’t you?

Jay: Fuck up.

Jay: Well, me and B just have to talk and shit. Look, the Rihanna thing is nothing personal. It was, like, eons ago. You know how it is with sidechicks.

Drake: No. I’ve never cheated.

Jay: What?

Kanye: Naaaaaah.

Drake: Don’t cheat. I wouldn’t even have a sidechick. That’s why I’m usually single. I have passing flings, like when you meet a chick while you’re on vacation.

Drake: Life is like one big vacation for me.

Drake: Wait.

 

*Drake starts doing a dancehall riddim on the table with his knuckles*

 

Drake: Turks and Caicos to Caaayman

Drake: Life is one big vacaaation

Drake: I be damned if it aaaaaint one

Drake: Tell your friends that they caaaant come

Kanye: Excellent.

 

*Kanye claps*

 

Jay: I guess.

Drake: I’ma keep that. That’s a keeper.

Jay: Okay, look, I can’t take the diss back but–

Leo: Guys, look who’s fucking here.

 

*Rihanna walks in behind Leo wearing a big ass baseball jersey for a Japanese baseball team and Louboutins*

 

Drake: Baby, hello.

Jay: How–

Leo: I was outside smoking this joint and Rihanna comes up and we’re smoking and talking about Westworld and I said “the guys would love to see you”.

 

*Drake walks over to Rihanna and grabs her hand, and then kisses her on the cheek like this nigga still on Degrassi and shit*

 

Leo: Wait, you guys fuck? Hahaha, eskimo bros!

Jay: How did you find us?

Rih: Leonardo drank some of my blood a long time ago so mi always know weh him.

Drake: Hahaha, what?

Rih: It’s a joke, boy. Di truck dem have owls pon dem.

Drake: I mean, owls are majestic.

Jay: So all of y’all get out. If my wife gets here, it’s gonna be some shit I don’t feel like dealing with. Like, y’all giving me a headache and shit.

Rih: Wah she a guh duh? Put we out? Dis uh ya home, too, Sean.

Leo: Oooooh, first name.

Jay: Don’t do that.

Rih: Mi see hur likkle video wid di guy dat write di song fi mi

Drake: PartyNextDoor

Rih: Yah, okay. I have so many hit songs and so many writers. I don’t be remembering dat shit.

Rih: She’s really upset with you, Sean. Wah she did find out?

Jay: Okay, leave. Let’s go. You niggas waaaay too comfortable in my home.

Bey: No, please stay.

 

*Beyoncé walks into the kitchen with Solange, Slaybell and Naomi*

 

Bey: You come in without permission and think you’ll leave without it?

 

*Ava Duvernay calls Viola Davis and puts her on speaker phone as she and Octavia head back to Octavia’s car. A small crowd stands around Cedric the Entertainer’s car, snapchatting his dead body.*

 

Ava: They stabbed Bernie up, fam. Like, she Michael Myers’d that nigga.

Viola: Yeah, we’re following her now. She had blood on her hands and mouth.

Ava: She bit his dick, too.

Viola: Bernie needs therapy.

Ava: Bernie needs to be dead again. Do you know where he’s going?

Viola: No idea, but he is moving his ass. I let Little Mama drive because she said she was a getaway driver before?

Lil Mama: On Grand Theft Auto. I drive for my gang on grand theft auto with Teyana Taylor.

Viola: You’re in a gang with Teyana Taylor? The sweaty dancing girl?

Ava: Well stay on him, uh, her. Himmer. We coming where you at soon as we can.

Octavia: Can I say that I’m surprised that the police haven’t gotten involved yet?

Police officer: Freeze!

 

*Ava and Octavia turn around to see a half-anglo/half-asian police officer pointing a gun at them*

 

Policeman: You’re under arrest for the murder of Cedric the Entertainer!

Ava: Nah.

Octavia: We don’t even have blood on us or anything.

Policeman: Reports say that a heavy set black woman was seen leaving the scene.

Ava: Wooooooooow, you just called us fat.

Octavia: He really did.

Policeman: What? No, no, I–

Ava: So I’m heavy set, my nigga?

Cop: No, the suspect is heavy set.

Octavia: So we aren’t suspects then?

Law officer: I mean–

Ava: Well, he’s definitely not talking about us with that bullshit.

Porky: No, I. . . No, you aren’t suspects, I apologize, ma’ams.

 

*The cop puts his gun down and begins walking away. He suddenly tackles a black guy in a Steelers jersey*

 

Police: You’re under arrest!

 

Ava: We gotta go.

Octavia: You can’t let him do that! You just made a documentary about private prisons.

Ava: And I can’t make any more if I’m dead or in jail, hoe, come on!

Octavia: No.

 

*Octavia walks over to the police officer and takes his hat as he yanks the Steelers fan’s arm behind his back.*

 

Policeman: What the hell do you think you’re doing?

Octavia: This man did nothing wrong. Unass him.

Steelers fan: Pause

Policeman: Look, miss, I have to take a black person to jail or my chief is going to bust my ass. Plus, this guy is a Steelers fan.

Octavia: True, but what if I had a black man for you?

Policeman: Who?

Octavia: Steve Harvey. He. . . Uh, grabbed my pussy and I didn’t like it.

Policeman: Okay?

Octavia: And he told me he was going to buy NBC.

Policeman: Oh my god

 

*The policeman pulls out his walkie-talkie*

 

Policeman: Dispatch, we need to locate Steve Harvey.

Dispatch: The Family Feud host?

Policeman: Yes. He’s. . . Trying to buy NBC.

Dispatch: Gasp!

 

*Meanwhile at the Harris-Burtka household, Prince sits on the floor of the living room (or the loving room, as the family calls it) with Harper and Gideon, answering questions about Jehovah and his witnesses*

 

Gideon: So I wouldn’t be able to celebrate my birthday?

Prince: Why? You’re just being alive.

Harper: But it’s celebrating every year that you’re alive.

Prince: Time is a man-made concept. God didn’t make it, man did. Therefore, holidays are unnecessary. The only thing that matters is that you live as Jesus did.

Gideon: So we can do Christmas, ri-

Prince: No. No made-up holidays. If you want to be Jesus’ friend, why not show him every day?

Harper: If Jesus is my friend, he should understand that I need room to be myself.

Prince: Haha, what?

Harper: It’s called self-care. Daddies said that it’s okay to be selfish with your presence sometimes. Everyone needs privacy.

Prince:  Your daddies also disrespect Jehovah, so I wouldn’t exactly take everything they say as truth.

Gideon: I think Jehovah would like our daddies if he talked to them.

Harper: Yeah, dad said “communication is key”.

Prince: Which one are you even talking about?

Neil: She’s talking about me.

 

*Neil Patrick Harris walks into the loving room and sits next to Prince. Prince gives him that look that your aunt gives people that she doesn’t like when they sit next to her*

 

Neil: Communication is the blood stream of humanity and the truth is like the white blood cell.

Prince: No, the truth is Jehovah. He is why you saying the words you say.

Neil: Of course.

Gideon: He said that we shouldn’t celebrate birthdays

Neil: Well, that’s Mr. Nelson’s belief. Some people don’t think birthday parties are necessary.

Harper: But then you don’t get birthday cakes and gifts.

Prince: Jesus and Jehovah receive them in turn, as thanks for making us. Y’all some selfish little rascals.

Gideon: I like Buddhism better.

Prince: Ha! Buddhism isn’t even a religion. It’s a little fat man telling you to love yourself. If you’re morally lazy, then yes, follow your little Chinese panda man.

Neil: I would’ve hoped that you’d be more understanding of other cultures being that you’re so well-traveled.

Prince: Being cultured doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t stand for something.

Neil: Ah.

Harper: Daddy doesn’t let us listen to some of your songs because they’re so explicit. Why do you make explicit songs if you do what Jesus says?

Prince: My songs are about the spirituality of love.

Neil: No, offense, but you made a song about a hooker pleasuring herself. I love the song, by the way.

Prince: I make songs about whatever the hell I want, Neil.

Neil: Whoa, hahaha, relax, partner.

Prince: Don’t you call me that.

Neil: Hey, we were all having a nice discussion about–

 

*Neil, Prince and the kids suddenly hear the front door get blasted off of its hinges and past the opening to the living room*

 

Neil: What the

Prince: Heck?

*Neil begins to push the kids behind him and back away as Prince slowly stands up and assesses his environment for weaponry*

 

*A figure slowly walks in front of the living room and turns towards the four*

 

Neil: Oh wow. Wowowowowowow.

Harper: That’s the guy on all of daddy’s sleep shirts.

Prince: You.

 

*Michael Jackson struts into the living room in peak 90s glittery military general regalia*

 

Michael: Your butt is mine.

 

Prince: C’mon, man.

 

*Back at Beyoncé’s house, the various A-listers stand around looking at each other as Beyoncé stare’s directly at Rihanna*

 

Beyoncé: I’ve had a very long day and I am tired of people I don’t want in my house being in my house.

Beyoncé: One of you has to die, unfortunately.

 

*Beyoncé points her katana at Rihanna. I didn’t even know she had it on her, for real.*

 

Bey: You’re my first choice.

Rihanna: Killing an unarmed woman? I thought you were feminist.

Bey: You also think you can sing.

Leo: Pahah-

 

*Beyoncé throws her katana through Leo’s shoulder*

 

Leo: Holy fuck! Gaaaaah! Oh my God!

Leo: That shit went through my shoulder like butter, holy fuck!

Leo: Oh, jeez if I didn’t inhale an 8 ball I’d be FREAKING OUT

 

*Beyoncé walks over and pulls her sword from Leo’s shoulder*

 

Bey: No more talking.

Leo: Yes, ma’am can I just. . . You have some tequila?

 

*Beyoncé turns towards the black people*

 

Bey: Why are you in my house, Rihanna. We have no bananas for you.

Rih: Mi come to tek mi man home. Yours can stay for the evening.

 

*Jay Z begins creeping backwa-*

 

Bey: Stop moving.

 

*Beyoncé takes a breath and looks toward Rihanna*

 

Bey: The only reason you can leave my house alive is because if you die, I will have to hear your music more often.

Rih: And cuz yuh wudda dead wid mi.

 

*Beyoncé looks at Rihanna like a white person that just told her she can’t dance and begins laughing heartily*

 

Bey: Oh my god. I’m crying in coconut. You’re hilarious, Robyn.

Bey: Ohhhh shit.

Bey: Yes, but, yes, I said you can live. There are many ways to be alive, though.

 

*Naomi420 spinning bird kicks towards Rihanna just for Drake to dive in front of her and get kicked in the side. He jumps up and blocks Naomi’s path.

*

 

Drake: Whoa whoa whoa! Yuh wild, gyal!

 

*Slaybell suddenly grabs Rihanna from behind and tries to German suplex her, just for Drake to grab Rihanna’s legs and ruin it. Naomi420 kicks Drake in the leg, causing that nigga to fall forward. Rihanna starts scratching Slaybell’s face as Naomi grabs her feet.*

 

Jay: Hey hey hey, come on

 

*Jay Z goes to defuse the situation when Beyoncé puts her sword in his path*

 

Bey: You was gonna help that bitch, nigga?

Jay: You not doing this to Rihanna in my house.

Bey: I am! the fuck you gonna do about it?

Leo: Hello, 911?

Leo: Yes, I got stabbed in the shoulder and some black women are attacking a less dark one.

Leo: Yes, I’m at Beyoncé’s house.

Leo: What? You can’t come? You’re the pol–

 

*Leo suddenly receives a katana through the voice box and looks at Beyoncé*

 

*Kanye screams and Jay Z looks like a cow just gave birth in his room*

 

Bey: don’t call the police at my house

 

*Beyoncé pulls the katana out and Leo drops to the floor, blood expanding from his neck. She turns around to see Naomi and Slaybell whooping Drake and Rihanna’s ass. Well, more like Slaybell and Rihanna are fighting and Naomi is whooping Drake’s ass. *

 

Bey: That is enough.

 

*Slaybell pushes Rihanna on the ground and Naomi stops punching Drake in the ribs*

 

Drake: What is wrong with you!?

Naomi420: I DIDN’T LIKE THAT SHIT YOU SAID ABOUT KID CUDI

 

*Rihanna stands up and wipes the blood off of her lip*

 

Rihanna: Mi nuh fraid of you, bitch

 

*Slaybell goes to confront her but Beyoncé stops her*

 

Bey: No, let her leave. No one will believe any of this ever happened.

Rihanna: Dis nuh ova. Not at all, hoe. I got you.

Bey: Get Chris Brown first.

Drake: This is unacceptable. I can’t believe you’re like this.

Bey: And I can’t believe you fucked Taylor Swift.

Rihanna: What

Drake: Its old. That’s old.

Rihanna: I thought it was a joke, Aubrey.

Drake: It was like 2 years ago. We were talking about Gilmore Girls in her room after a Grammys after party–

Bey: And she recorded it. She keeps it for a rainy day.

Rihanna: You really fucked Taylor Swift? Disgusting.

Bey: Right.

Drake: Can we talk about this?

Rihanna: No. Travis Scott has been really popping lately and I think i’ma follow him on instagram again.

Drake: Please.

Bey: Do this outside of my house.

 

*Rihanna walks backwards towards the door*

 

Rihanna: I’m your biggest competition and don’t you forget that.

Bey: Yawn, hoe, get out.

 

*Rihanna gives Beyoncé the middle fingers as she walks backwards through the front door*

 

Drake: You can be a real, you know, like a bitch sometimes. No offense.

Jay: Hey, watch your mouth.

Bey: You watch yours.

 

*Drake exits hastily as Beyoncé’s attention is drawn to her husband*

 

Bey: You let the woman you fucked in my house for what reason?

Jay: You made Next Door Party write a diss about me?

Bey: And? Are your feelings hurt?

Jay: Actually, yeah. You hurt me with that, b. You’re an adult.

Bey: And isn’t affairs what adults do? “Have an affair, act like an adu–”

Jay: Don’t use my lyrics against me. You’re no better than Ann Coulter, for real.

Naomi420: Oh my god

Slaybell: You cretin!

Bey: How dare you compare me to the worst white woman on Earth?

Kanye: When’s a good time to talk about how you just killed another celebrity? You know that’s forbidden.

Bey: You act like I don’t know about the Aaliyah clause. I’m why it happened.

Bey: He’ll be fine.

Jay: He’s dead.

Bey: Well, I guess now is the time to tell you about the machine.

Jay: What?

Bey: Come with me. You, too, Kanye. Slaybell, Naomi, guard this white corpse.

Slaybell & Naomi: Yas, Queen.

 

*Beyoncé leads Jay and Kanye down the basement steps and towards the subterranean pool*

 

Bey: With my unbelievably extensive influence and almost infinite investors, I got some niggas to make a device that redefines impossible.

Jay: And I didn’t know about it?

Bey: Yes. Like I didn’t know about the bitches you fucked.

 

*Beyoncé, Jay and Kanye walk towards the basement pool and Beyoncé stops at the edge. She begins singing a beautiful rendition of Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen and the pool suddenly separates, causing the water to drain into the split. The splitting pool opens to a set of steps as the water gathers at the bottom of the short pit. Beyoncé walks down the steps as the two men follow.*

 

Jay: What’s going on, B?

Bey: Life, Sean. Life is what is going on. And it will go on forever.

Kanye: Word. Like, I feel that.

Bey: Shut up.

 

*They walk to a door that Beyoncé opens by beating an AI at connect four. The door opens to a corridor out of an 80s science-fiction film*

 

Bey: Kanye, I wanted to surprise you, which was simple since I can’t stand being around you. I’ve had the world’s best scientists create a resurrection apparatus. I want to bring back your mother.

Kanye: What? No.

 

*Beyoncé stops and looks back at Kanye*

 

Bey: Excuse me?

Kanye: No. Even if you’re serious, no.

Bey: But what about the things she didn’t get to see? North’s first fashion show? Her son’s wife?

Kanye: That has nothing to do with you. People die and that’s life.

Bey: But it doesn’t have to be.

 

*Beyoncé touches Kanye’s shoulder, but Kanye moves her hand gently*

 

Kanye: You’re not even doing this for me. You’re doing it so I can be the old me. The me that wouldn’t have approached Kim. You know my mom would’ve talked me out of it.

Bey: And? That’s a good thing!

Kanye: Its not, yo! Its not!

Kanye: You’re not God! You can’t do that!

Bey: I’m the closest thing this planet has to God and I didn’t remember asking for your permission.

Kanye: You can’t do that! Jay! What the fuck, man.

 

*Jay shrugs his shoulders*

 

*Beyoncé walks towards the door at the end of the corridor and opens it to find a room with computer monitors on the walls and a pile of cords in the center that start from the ceiling*

 

Bey: WHAT. WHERE IS IT?

 

*Beyoncé’s iPhone 14 walks into the room*

 

IPhone 14: You have a phone call from Neil Patrick Harris

Bey: Answer.

 

*the iPhone 14 begins whispering in her ear*

 

Bey: What? He’s fighting who?

Bey: Don’t fucking play with me, Doogie.

Bey: I’m on my way.

 

*Beyoncé storms out of the room past Jay Z and Kanye*

 

Jay: Baby, what happened?

Bey: Warner Brothers stole my machine. They brought Michael back to life.

 

*Bernie Mac drives down the highway using Kelly Prince’s body and vehicle. Her eyes dart between the road and the google map on her screen as they argue in her mind. *

 

Bernie: I’m glad you such a tart, Kelly. You made the last part of my mission easy as pie. Heheheh, pun not intended.

Kelly: Eat a dick, Bernie.

Bernie: That would make two of us hahahahaha. Steve ain’t never tell me he hit that. That man keep him some secrets, boy.

Bernie: It’s like me possessing you was fate. This is manifest destiny. You can’t be mad at destiny, nah.

Kelly: I wouldn’t call it destiny. I’d call it drunken sinning with a married man.

Bernie: Aw, baby, you ain’t the first and you won’t be the last. On the bright side, he gonna die now.

Kelly: I don’t wanna kill him.

Bernie: Well we’re gonna. Then we gonna move to Italy and be a successful lesbian.

Kelly: The hell if I am! I’m getting my body back, Bernie.

 

*Kelly Price’s body turns the car onto an exit that curves around and ends at an intersection*

 

Bernie: I can’t wait to see the look on this nigga face, ha ha!

Kelly: Bernie, you don’t have to do this. You can let this bitterness go!

Bernie: I just killed two niggas. I think I’m into deep now, girl.

Bernie: My body somewhere rotting in the ground. I ain’t got nothing to lose.

Bernie: You know not one of these niggas reached out to me? That hurts, Kelly. It hurts my heart.

Bernie: Now that I’ma ghost, I’ma put these niggas out of their misery and start my new life. Maybe I’ll get a sex change.

Kelly: No!

Bernie: Hush, we there now.

 

*Kelly Price turns into a driveway leading to an inconspicuous ass mansion as Viola Davis watches. She sits in the passenger seat of her Cadillac as Lil Mama trails a few hundred yards behind.*

 

Viola: They’re turning.

Lil Mama: Should I pull over?

Viola: Yeah, in a minute.

 

*Lil Mama pulls the car over a couple feet from the entrance to the property.*

 

Viola: Okay, now we’re going to watch some really funny vines.

Lil Mama: Uh, okay.

Viola: Just trust me.

 

*Viola pulls her phone out and they begin watching vine clips until they cry laughing*

 

Phone: Bitch, do I look like I care? Nawl!

Viola & Lil Mama: LMAOOOOO

Ava: What’s good?

Lil Mama: Whoa! How long have you been there?

Ava: Just now. I can appear anywhere that black women are having too much fun.

Lil Mama: Whaaa? How?

Ava: Black girl magic and shit. Where is Kelly?

Viola: Where is Octavia?

Ava: In her car.

Viola: You left her?

Ava: Look, this shit only work for me. Are we getting Kelly or not?

Lil Mama: She just pulled in here.

Ava: So what we waiting for? Octavia gonna be here in like 10 minutes.

 

*Steve Harvey closes the door to his home as Kelly Price walks in.*

 

Steve: I must say that I am intrigued by your presence, but I can’t say that I am surprised.

Kelly: I bet. I was in the neighborhood and figured I’d stop by.

Steve: I’m happy you did. I’m quite happy.

Kelly: Marjorie isn’t home?

Steve: Oh, no, what? Hahaha, what? Girl, you funny. You worry bout the wrong stuff.

Kelly: I was just curious.

 

*Kelly begins to unbutton her shirt as she walks into the living room*

 

Kelly: (BERNIE)

Bernie: (Calm down. I’m not gonna let him in your lil cookie jar.)

 

*Steve follows eagerly*

 

Steve: Now, Ms. Price, I hope you weren’t planning to do something untowards? I am a man of principles. I have become the black Dr. Phil.

Kelly: And you still have a dick, right?

Steve: Oh, lord, yes. Yes, I do.

 

*Kelly sits on the couch seductively and smiles seductively at Steve Harvey in a seductive manner that is very seductive.*

 

Kelly: Do you want to rub my feet?

 

*Kelly bites her finger*

 

Kelly: (Why you so good at this?)

Bernie: (You act like I never been seduced before)

 

Steve: You know goddamn well I wanna rub them pretty little toes.

 

*Steve sits on the couch immediately and begins taking off Kelly’s shoes*

 

*Steve takes Kelly’s right foot and begins rubbing her big toe against his mustache*

 

Steve: Mmm, you smell like roses.

Bernie: (Okay, this weird, I can’t do it)

Kelly: (Nah, nigga, this is what you wanted)

 

*Steve begins to lick up the side of Kelly’s foot*

 

Bernie: (Aw, shit I can feel it!)

Bernie: (Oh God, is my pussy wet? Aw, my pussy wet, lord!)

Kelly: (You can’t fathom how much I hate you right now, Bernie Mac)

 

*There’s a knock on the front door that Kelly Price entered through*

 

Steve: Who in the hell? I’ma be right back, my ice cream sundae.

Kelly: Okay teehee

Bernie: (Am I gay, Kelly?)

Kelly: (Yes)

Bernie: (Don’t play)

Kelly: (A nigga licked your foot and your pussy got wet. You gay, Bernie)

Bernie: (Oh, lord!)

 

*Steve Harvey answers the door to see Viola Davis and Lil Mama with Ava Duvernay and Octavia Spencer bickering behind them*

 

Viola: Hello, is Kelly Price here?

Steve: Yes, and of her own volition, I’ll have you know.

Viola: Can we speak to her?

Steve: Y’all bout to jump her or something? Y’all come to my house looking like some sort of Ebony magazine street gang and it makes me question the situation.

Ava: Why it’s drool on your chin?

Steve: Because I mind my damn business, Ava Duvernay.

Ava: Whatever. We coming in your house, you misogynist Diglett.

Steve: You just call me a dicklet?

 

*Ava pushes past Steve and the rest of the women follow*

 

Viola: Where is she, Steve?

Steve: We were in the living room discussing the sanctity of marriage.

Ava: Shutcha dumb ass up.

Lil Mama: Are those her shoes.

Ava: Yes. Steve over here is a foot-licker.

Steve: Wow, that is called kink-shaming, Ava.

Ava: I know what it’s called and I know some kink shit, nigga, let me tell you–

Octavia: You not telling shit. We gonna find Kelly.

Ava: Yo, why you so feisty, ma?

Octavia: Shut up.

Ava: It’s so sexy when you angry. Oooouuu.

 

*Octavia purses her lips and goes to search for Kelly Price*

 

Viola: I’ma go outside to make sure she didn’t try to get to her car.

Steve: Well thank you for ruining my afternoon. You black women always gotta ruin a black man fun. What, y’all smelled me having fun down the street?

Ava: Fuck up. You look like an Italian chef made of dog food.

 

*Ava walks towards the steps just to hear Steve Harvey yelp behind her. She turns around to see Kelly Price holding Steve from behind with a knife to his throat.*

 

Ava: Hey hey hey now, lil doggie .

Kelly: I don’t see a reason to keep this nigga alive anymore.

Steve: Kelly, you tripping! Is this about that one night? We was both drunk!

Kelly: Shut your sloppy lips. This not gonna make sense to you before you die, but I’m Bernie Mac and I’m bout to kill you.

Steve: WHAT!?

 

*Lil Mama suddenly jumps on Kelly Price’s back and stabs her in the neck with a syringe.*

 

Kelly: Gah, shit, I forgot about you!

Lil Mama: Jokes on you!

 

*Kelly let’s go of Steve Harvey and begins falling on her ass. She snaps backwards violently and begins convulsing.*

 

Steve: Aw, what the hell? Did y’all just give her a speedball?

 

*Lil Mama crawls over to Kelly’s side as she slowly stops shaking. Ava jogs over to Kelly’s other side*

 

Lil Mama: Kelly? Kelly?

Kelly: . . . I’m going to jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiilllllll!

 

*Kelly begins weeping as LIL Mama takes her in her arms*

 

Lil Mama: Hey but you’re you again!

Kelly: I won’t be the same. . .

Steve: What the hell is y’all talking bout? Can y’all leave so I can suck this woman’s toes?

Octavia: Awesome, now where’s Bernie?

 

*a black mist suddenly envelops Steve Harvey and is sucked in through his eyes, nose and mouth*

 

Ava: Ah, shit! I thought you said it killed the ghost?

Octavia: I thought it did, too!

 

*Steve Harvey stumbles backwards into a wall and then begins laughing*

 

Steve: Ohhhh, shit. I’m in his body now. This is even better! I got a dick again!

Steve: (AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

Bernie: (Nigga, shut up! Shut the fuck up!)

 

*Ava receives a text on her phone and looks down to see it’s from Viola. She opens it and sees “12”*

 

Ava: Ah, shit.

Ava: Fine. Take Steve Harvey body.

Octavia: Errr. . .

Steve: I will. My first order of business is–

 

*The front door of Steve Harvey’s house is suddenly kicked in and police swarm his living room*

 

*Kelly Price pulls her wig off and tosses it*

 

Police dude: Steve Harvey, you are under arrest for sexual misconduct.

Steve: What!? Naw, man, what’s going on?

 

*The police officer begins pulling Steve Harvey’s arms behind his back and locking the cuffs on him*

 

Bernie: (What did you do?)

Steve: (OH MY GOD. GOD, HELP ME, GOD. GOD OH MY GOD)

Bernie: (Gaaaaahdamn it)

 

*the police officer moves his face to within an inch of Steve Harvey’s*

 

Police dude: You think we don’t know about you trying to buy NBC, motherfucker?

Steve: What? What, I can’t buy NBC?

Police: Not as long as you’re a black man.

Steve: This some boolshit! This is some boooolshiiiiit!

 

*the police officer begins hauling Steve Harvey to the squad car*

 

Policeman: Thanks, ladies. That guy is going to have a lot of explaining to do. If you see Kelly Price, could you let us know? She’s wanted in connection to some murders.

Kelly: Of course, officer.

Policeman: Oh, hey, mom from House of Payne! Didn’t see you there.

Kelly: Bitch, I–

Ava: Yes, we certainly will, yakub.

Policeman: uh, for swizzle.

 

*Marjorie Bridges-Woods storms into the house with a police officer in tow*

 

Marjorie: I want to know what evidence you have against my husband that he was trying to buy NBC! This is preposterous!

 

*Marjorie comes into the living room and sees the 4 women. She instantly notices Kelly Price without her shoes on.*

 

Marjorie: This nigga.

 

*Elsewhere, Beyoncé rides through the night on her horse Nightwillow as Jay Z holds on to her waist. Slaybell and Naomi420 follow behind in a red Ferrari. *

 

Jay: B, I don’t think it was cool to put Kanye out after you told him you were going to bring his mom to life.

Bey: Well, his mother was supposed to be standing next to me when I told him. Leonardo Dicaprio made me kill him and now I don’t even have the machine. This is the first time I haven’t felt in control since you fucking cheated on me.

Jay: . . .

Bey: We’re going to neutralize Michael, then we’re getting my shit back.

Jay: How long have you had this machine?

Bey: Since just now. I wouldn’t have stabbed your white friend so brazenly if I thought there would be consequences.

Jay: You can’t just kill people and bring them back to life.

Bey: Nigga, I am Beyoncé.

 

*Nightwillow slows down to a trot as she approaches the front of the Harris-Burtka household. Beyoncé gets off of the horse and walks towards the house*

 

Bey: Stay here

Jay: I’m a grown man, you not–

Bey: Tuck your masculinity in your ass and do what I say

Jay:

 

*Slaybell pulls up next to Nightwillow. Slaybell and Naomi exit the car and follow Beyoncé*

 

*Beyoncé finds the door slightly ajar and cautiously pushes it open. She and her bodyguards walk through to find glass and debris strewn about the foyer*

 

*Beyoncé walks to the left to the left and enters the dining room where the glass table is shattered. The room looked as if a bunch of people began fighting in the middle of dinner*

 

???: Is someone there? Help me!

 

*Beyoncé goes into the kitchen to find David Burtka holding Neil Patrick Harris’ unmoving but living body*

 

Bey: What happened?

David: They took him. . . They took Prince. . .

 

*SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT SEE Y’ALL IN 2017*

***********************************************************************

ARCHIVE 

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