The Lemons Part 28

 

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Ay, look, Part 29 is gonna be delayed, you guys. Remember how some of y’all was like “omg you should totally write stuff that’s not about Beyonce, too”? Well, I’ve received incentive to do such and hopefully y’all will be seeing books from me soon.

The Lemons isn’t over, but things may move a little more slowly. I was planning to make the next part a season finale anyway, so look forward to a longbrief intermission before season 3. Thank y’all for all of your support. Sometimes, I’ll think nobody is reading this anymore and then a new person hits me up with their favorite part. I am grateful for the entertainment and laughter you get from my imagination.

 

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*Aretha paces next to the table in Mariah Carey’s dining room, examining each of the women present. Mandingo lies on Mariah’s table like he purchased it himself, lazily watching Mariah*

 

Aretha: Come out from behind that wall, Solange. I know you there.

 

*Solange slowly slides around the corner, leaving no air between her back and the wall*

 

Aretha: I love A Seat at the Table, baby.

Solo: Thank you. . .

Aretha: Listen, you did this to yourself.

Aretha: Patti coulda been dead, but you come in with this flower hippy, love-every-bitch bullshit and now Juventud in the hospital with his brother.

Solo: I. . . I thought you had died.

Aretha: I bet.

 

*flashback tho*

 

*Aretha walks back into the house to see Mandingo sniffing at Patti’s bag. Mandingo’s nose tips the bag, causing a small gray square with a blinking light on it to fall out*

 

Aretha: AWWW, THIS BITCH.

 

*Juventud stops favoring his leg to see what Aretha is reacting to. He grabs Aretha and leads her to the kitchen, pulling two knives from the knife holder and activating a trap door*

 

Aretha: Come on,  Manny!

 

*Mandingo looks toward Aretha and begins bounding towards her. He slides into the trap door right before Juventud jumps in with Aretha in his arms*

 

*the bomb explodes right before the trap door shuts tight*

 

*Mandingo lands on his paws in a room full of provisions before Juventud and Aretha land on his back, causing him to let out a deep yelp*

 

Aretha: SHE BLEW MY HOUSE UP, JUVIE. KILL THAT BITCH, PLEASE.

Juventud: Yes, Aretha.

 

*flashback over tho*

 

Aretha: You really thought that shit was gonna work. Mandingo can sniff out any threat. You about to find out how he can neutralize one, too.

Solo: Aretha, please.

Aretha: I’m not listening to your goofy ass no more

Patti: And what you gonna do?

Aretha: Oh-ho, you Big Dick Bee now, huh?  Mandingo.

 

*Mandingo stands up from th-*

 

Patti: Fuck your tiger!

 

*Patti spits on Mandingo. Oh my god.*

 

*Mandingo looks at Patti in disbelief like she just brought up some old shit*

 

Aretha: EAT HER

 

*Patti Labelle ducks right when Mandingo pounces after her. Patti crawls under the table as Mariah gets up and runs past Solange to the living room. Solange runs out of the dining room to the kitchen as Mandingo disrespects the furniture to get to Patti*

 

*Mandingo smacks off a chair leg just for Patti to grab it and smack his paw with it*

 

Patti: Get!

 

*whack!*

 

Patti: Away!

 

*whack!*

 

Patti: From me!

 

*whack!*

 

*Mandingo backs away slightly and prowls around the table.  Aretha prowls around behind him.*

 

Aretha: I guess I didn’t give you enough credit.

Patti: Well, growing up in the 60s, you learn to defend yourself with what you have.

Aretha: Ha, you telling me. I hit Martin with a vase once.

Patti: Luther King?

Aretha: Yeah. That boy was a ho.

Patti: Haha. I heard it was cuz he called you fat.

Aretha: I had to readjust that nigga’s cerebellum.

Patti: Girl, I–

 

*Mandingo attempts to paw at Patti through the table*

 

Patti: Ooh!

Aretha: Mandingo ain’t forget, you spotted heffa.

Solo: Manny! Mandingo! Look!

 

*Solange waves a big ass slab of ham from the doorway of the kitchen. Mandingo turns towards her and licks his lips*

 

Aretha: Mandingo, you fat bitch, pay attention!

 

*the tiger begins going towards the pig butt meat*

 

Solo: That’s right. That’s a good boy. So hungry.

 

*Mandingo gets close enough to sniff the ham and Solange walks backwards into the kitchen*

 

Aretha: This is. . . This is that bullshit.

 

*Patti punches Aretha in the face, causing Aretha to fall into the wall! Patti lunges at Aretha just to be greeted by an elbow to the chin!*

 

*Aretha grabs a picture of Mariah Carey and Da Brat off of the wall and throws it at Patti like a frisbee. Patti blocks it with her arm.*

 

*Aretha takes a cautious stance and begins moving sideways away from Patti. Patti runs up in Aretha’s shit and Aretha does some sort of judo foot trip and throws Patti face first into the ground*

 

Aretha: You must think I’m my tiger or something.

 

*Patti stands up and spits out a line of blood*

 

Patti: No, I . . . hahaha. . . I still think you a hippo.

 

*Aretha comes towards Patti in a boxing stance and kicks her in the shin*

 

Patti: Ah, bitch!

 

*Patti tries to throw a spinning back fist just for Aretha to catch it and throw it down pathetically*

 

*Aretha mushes Patti away, causing Patti to spin into a defensive stance*

 

Patti: Wow, you strong as shit.

Aretha: I’ve been carrying black music on my back for 50 years.

 

Solo: Can y’all not!

 

*Solange runs between them and looks at them like misbehaving children*

 

Aretha: What did you do to my tiger?

Solo: He’s asleep.

Aretha: You gave my baby that damn slave food and now he got the damn itis.

Aretha: What have I done to you, Solange, baby?

Aretha: Why don’t you want me to be happy? What have I done to you, personally?

Solo: You’re trying to kill! Patti Labelle! Like, stop!

 

*The front door is kicked in and Mary J Blige walks in and instantly begins singing*

 

Mary: Sistaaaas!

Mary: We gotta come togetheeeeerrrr yeahyeah

Mary: we got to do better!

 

*stomps*

 

Mary: Our babies need to seeeee

Mary: Martin Luther Kiiiiing’s dreeeam.

Mary: There must be peace between black women OOOOO–

 

Aretha: Shut up, Mary. Shut the fuck up, Mary.

Mary: Aretha, what is going on? Why are y’all fighting?

Aretha: This is information for the people that were here minding their damn business.

Mary: Mariah called me and said y’all were tripping and there was a tiger at the house.

Mary: I hate to hear y’all was fighting, and I love tigers, so I had to come by.

Mary: You would understand if I sang to you, like I did for Hilary.

Mary: Always be polite to the police. Alwaaaays be–

Aretha: Please leave.

Patti: I agree.

Mary: Not unless y’all promise not to fight no more.

Patti: Promise.

Aretha: Pinky promise.

 

*Aretha and Patti go to link pinkies, but Solange stops them for some reason*

 

Solo: THEY ARE LYING. ARETHA BROUGHT A MAN-EATING TIGER.

Aretha: Speaking of which

 

*Aretha puts three fingers in her mouth and let’s out a barely audible whistle*

 

Patti: What the hell was that? That wasn’t even a noise.

 

*Mandingo yawns from the kitchen*

 

Patti: Nope

 

*Patti takes off up the steps and Solange follows*

*Mandingo struts into the living room*

 

Mary: Aretha.

Aretha: What?

Mary: Can I pet him?

Aretha: . . .

 

*Mary smiles behind her knuckles and nods her head slowly*

 

Aretha: Pet him.

 

*Mary runs over and begins stroking Mandingo’s head*

 

*Beyoncé suddenly walks in to see Aretha rubbing one of her temples as Mary J. Blige giggles at Mandingo*

 

Beyoncé: Did you kill anyone?

Mary: What? No. Not at all.

Aretha: No. Your sister wouldn’t let me.

Beyoncé:  Good. I agree with her  this time.

Aretha: Et tu, Yonce?

Beyoncé: I can’t let you kill Patti Labelle.

Aretha: You the damn one that told me to kill her!

Beyoncé: I wasn’t serious.

Aretha: You gonna give me a stroke. I’ma kill her.

Mary: I was telling her this was crazy.

Beyoncé: You will end this asinine grandma beef. Or I will let people know about Luther.

Aretha: You wouldn’t dare.

Beyoncé: Wouldn’t I?

Aretha: You the snitch among us.

Mary: What about Luther? The Idris Elba show?

Aretha: Stop petting my damn tiger.

Aretha: Beyoncé, I want you to know that you’re pushing it, baby. It’s only room for so many straws on my camel’s back before it breaks. And when it breaks, it will be bloody. Blood. All over everything. Big Bs.

Beyoncé: Are you threatening me with gang affiliations?

Aretha: Look, I’ma let everybody live. This never happened.

Beyoncé: Nobody brings up what happened to Teairra Mari.

Aretha: *snorts* Shut up. We are leaving. Come on, Manny.

 

*Aretha walks out of the door with her tiger.*

 

Aretha: Oh, Beyoncé. Tell Patti the rest of her life is gonna be like those Final Destination movies, now. I’ma pick her kids off one by one.

 

*Aretha walks to an Escalade limousine and opens the door for Mandingo. Aretha looks back at the house and then gets in the backseat*.

 

Mary: Is she serious?

Beyoncé: She better hope not.

 

*Solange peeks her head downstairs and sees her sister. She screams and runs down the steps, causing Beyoncé to scream and run up to her.*

 

Bey: Oh my God, I missed you.

Solo: I thought you were going to be back before it got dark, yo.

Bey: I tried.

Bey: Psych, no I didn’t.

Solo: I hate you.

Bey: When did Aretha get here?

Solo: Like right after we got off the phone. The tiger jumped through the fucking window and –ugh–can we go?

Mariah: Yes, get the hell out of my house.

 

*Mariah comes clomping down the steps*

 

Mariah: I want everybody out of my FUCKING HOUSE.

Mariah: LOOK AT THIS! A TIGER RIPPED UP MY SHIT, MY TABLE IS RUINED, MY WINDOW IS RUINED MY DAY IS RUINED MY LIFE IS RUINED.

Solo: Do you know who Alfred Olango is? He doesn’t have a life to rui–

Mariah: OH, MISS ME WITH THAT BULLSHIT. GO TELL DERAY OR SOME SHIT, I WANT YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE.

Bey: Okay, I need you to calm your ass down.

Mariah: Ha! This isn’t your house, Beyoncé, so you can leave, too.

 

*Beyoncé unravels her ponytail*

 

Bey: Make me.

 

*Mariah runs to her living room and begins throwing pictures at Beyoncé*

 

*I don’t even think Beyoncé realizes someone is attacking her*

 

*Beyoncé walks directly up to Mariah and Mariah stumbles back towards the wall*

 

Bey: I said make me.

 

*James Packer suddenly walks in and sees Mariah cowering against the wall, screaming*

 

James: Oh my Lord.

 

*James runs over to Mariah and helps her up*

 

James: Beyoncé, I’m so sorry. I apologize for whatever she did.

Mariah: For WHAT? Get out. I told you not to come unannounced.

James: No, let’s go. Let’s go to dinner, honey.

Mariah: I’m not leaving my own house.

*Solange comes from behind Mariah and begins L’ing her out. Mariah barely puts up a fight. This is like a Ronda Rousey match before the Holly Holm headkick.*

 

James: Oh, jeez

 

*Mariah goes to sleep with her tongue out and Solange gently lays her head on the floor*

 

Solo: That “go tell Deray” shit really got to me.

 

*Naomi420 and Slaybell come running into the living room of Mariah Carey’s house and kneels in front of Beyoncé*

 

Naomi420: Our Queen, Glory of the SoulMother

Slaybell: Sound Goddess

Beyoncé: I am strengthened by your love. Have either of you heard from BeckyGray?

Naomi420: No, my Queen.

Slaybell: No, Queen.

Bey: Neither have I. This is curious.

Bey: I hope that I don’t have to find her. . .

 

*Mariah twitches on the ground*

 

*SEE YOU*

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