*Drake sits at the marble booth table in his kitchen, his hand supporting his chin as he zones out in thought. PND walks in and sits across from him*
PND: Nigga, I–
Drake: Don’t. Just don’t right now.
PND: Look, dude, Beyoncé told me to do it.
Drake: I know. Why couldn’t you just say no, badman? I did.
PND: You’re Drake. You’re always saying no. You turned down Janet Jackson.
Drake: She was pregnant.
PND: All that means is you could raw her.
Drake: Wooooow, I’m not putting my naked dick near Janet’s fetus, man.
PND: Are you serious? Why wouldn’t you raw dog a legend?
PND: Not to forget, you’d be Eskimo brothers with Jermaine Dupri.
Drake: Eskimo brothers?
PND: Like, y’all share the same igloo or some shit. I don’t know. I know I’d have to feel Janet’s puss-
Drake: We have more important matters at hand. For example, Jay Z is trying to destroy us.
PND: Are you serious? He’s old, fam. Did you hear that Keys song?
Drake: Of course. Future is on it.
PND: He was hardly on beat, my nigga! How he let Nas have a better song than him on the same album?
Drake: I mean, that’s subjective
PND: No, it’s obvious. You have nothing to worry about. The only people that’s gonna feel that shit are 40 year old new york niggas that sell nickel bags
*Drake’s phone rings to the tone of “Who Do You Love” by LL Cool J. Drake answers.*
Drake: Aubrey Graham, October’s Very Own
Game: What’s up, Aubrey?
*Drake covers his phone with his hand and frowns, then puts the phone back to his ear*
Drake: Hey, man.
Game: Yo, I heard that wack ass diss Jay made about you niggas. That shit was fucking garbage.
Drake: I mean, I wouldn’t go that far–
Game: I always thought Jay was trash. I never fucked with that nigga in my life. I was always talking to Dre, Kurupt, DJ Quik, YG, Kendrick Lamar, The D.O.C., Tone Loc, Problem, E-40, Snoop, WC, Mack 10, Daz Dillinger and nem about how corny that nigga is.
Drake: I thought. . . I thought you said he was a legend?
Game: That nigga ain’t no legend. Dr. Dre is a legend. Snoop a legend. Kanye and Weezy legends. You a legend. I’m a legend. Jay ain’t no legend.
*Drake covers the phone with his hand and gives PND a quick “What is this nigga talking about” look*
Game: I was writing this new 700 bar diss about Meek and when I heard Jay try to disrespect you, I added 4 bars for him. I was trying to see if you wanted to get on it and shit.
Drake: Nah, I’m good, man. I’m kinda done with the whole Meek and Nicki thing.
Game: Done? Meek still dropping your name.
Drake: Its irrelevant. He’s irrelevant. I want no parts of this narrative anymore.
Game: I understand. You just don’t have an album coming out yet.
Drake: No–What? No. I’m not a big beef guy, mandem.
Game: But you already started, man. Now that you responded to Meek, beef is in your blood. You need it to fuel your career now.
Drake: Nah, that doesn’t make sense.
Game: Yo, Views was amazing, but it wasn’t that amazing. Me, Big Sean, DJ Khaled, Future, 2 Chainz, Yo Gotti, Young Dolph, Rita Ora (I fucked her), Miley Cyrus (I fucked her, too), G Eazy, Lil Dickie, Trinidad James, IceJJFish, the nigga that sing “let me suck your titties, baby”, the “Mmm, oh my God, why you lying” nigga, Chief Keef, Quavo, Mac Miller, Bon Iver, Jeremy Scott, Bonecrusher, TI, the nigga that voice Chip Skylark, the nigga that voice Steve on American Dad and the Progressive Insurance lady were at the same party and were talking about how Views is nowhere near your best shit.
Drake: Why do I doubt that this happened?
Game: The way you absolutely obliterated Meek got the people going, on some “Niggas in Paris” shit. They want to see more of the Drake that smelled blood. Take it from a Blood.
Drake: I’m not that Drake, though. The Meek thing was personal. I just want to make good music.
Game: *Chuckles* Okay, nigga. We’ll see how that goes for you. Ay, but what’s up with a joint album?
Drake: Kssssh aw shit, I’m losing service kssssh
Game: Can you hear me? I was thinking we could call it “TOo LAte” and have, like the TO capitalized for Toronto and th-
Drake: Kssssh Brrrriiing aw shit, I got a call on the other line
Drake: Shit, it’s Dr. Dre.
Game: Oh my God. My bad. Tell him Jayceon said wassup. I’ll holla.
Drake: Yes, holla.
*Drake puts his phone face down on the table*
Drake: I was gonna take one vacation. My first vacation in 3 years.
PND: No rest for the wicked.
Drake: True ting dem.
*Meanwhile, Cedric the Entertainer peruses the scented candle section in Target. Unbeknownst to him, Bernie Mac is watching his every move through Kelly Price’s eyes as she walks towards him.*
Kelly: Why are you doing this?
Bernie: Because these niggas got to stay alive when I should’ve been enjoying all of the shit they got plus more. Steve Harvey out here profiting offa relationship advice when he a goddamn hoe.
Bernie: He pay women to lick his nipples. He ain’t normal. He abnormal.
Bernie: And Cedric out here profiting off of being funny when he not. DL had to go first, though. Nobody would notice if he went missing.
Kelly: This is crazy. You’re going to get me put in jail for the rest of my life!
Bernie: Ain’t like you been doing shit.
Kelly: I wish I could go into another body and beat yo ass.
Bernie: You can go into another body and eat my pussy, how about that?
Kelly: TUH! NIGGA I’LL–
Cedric: Oh, shit, what’s good, Kelly? You looking for some candles? This honey peach apricot is fire.
Bernie: Hello, Cedric! Funny seeing you here.
Cedric: Aw, sookie sookie, you lost some weight, girl?
Kelly: He know goddamn well I didn’t lose weight.
Bernie: Nigga, you know I ain’t lose no damn weight.
Kelly: (No, don’t say it!)
Bernie: I threw that weight away, hahahah. It ain’t lost, I know where it is. Hahahah.
Cedric: Girl, you crazy. You see my new Netflix special?
Bernie: (You watch his special?)
Kelly: (Hell naw)
Bernie: Nah, I ain’t get to watch it yet.
Cedric: Not like you busy, hahahah.
Bernie: Not as busy as you are begging Hollywood white people to give you scraps hahahahaha
Cedric: Ay, watch it now. Don’t talk to the second most relevant King of Comedy like that.
Bernie: You know what, you right. Let me suck ya dick, I always wanted to suck ya dick.
Kelly: (WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING BERNIE)
Cedric: Oh, shit, girl, baby girl, chill, I mean, stop, I’m taken
Cedric: With the idea of putting my dick in your mouth, let’s do it
Bernie: Ooooh *giggle*
Bernie: (I’ma stab that nigga in his throat like 34 times)
*Cedric the Entertainer and Kelly Price hurry out of the Target and go around the corner just as Ava Duvernay and Octavia Spencer walk in*
Octavia: We found her car, but how the hell we supposed to find her in here?
Ava: Shit, ask people, I guess?
*Ava walks up to a random white guy and pats him on the shoulder*
Ava: Did you just see Steve Harvey or Cedric the Entertainer in here?
RWG: Uh, I guess? Is that him over there?
*Ava looks over to see the dude that voices Uncle Ruckus looking at Transformers shirts*
Ava: Nigga, that’s Gary Anthony Williams.
Ava: Nevermind. I guess all black people look the same to you.
RWD: Are you calling me racist? Like all white people don’t look the same to you?
Ava: I mean kinda.
RWD: You probably wouldn’t know, I don’t know, John Goodman if he walked past you.
Ava: The dude from O Brother Where Art Thou? I’m pretty sure I’d know him.
RWD: I’m John Goodman.
Ava: I knew that. Come on, now.
John Goodman: I’m not John Goodman. I just lied to you.
RWD: Tsk, good luck finding Cedric the Entertainer.
Ava: Thank you, yakub.
*Ava strolls back over to Octavia*
Ava: That didn’t work at all.
Octavia: That really was John Goodman. He was fucking with you.
Ava: Are you fucking with me?
Random Italian guy: Oh, shit is that John Goodman? Dude, you were the best in 10 Cloverfield Lane.
John Goodman: No I wasn’t.
Octavia: Smooth moves, Ex-Lax.
Ava: Suck ya mudda
*Ava and Octavia suddenly hear screams from the parking lot. They run back outside to see people pointing and screaming at something around the corner. They go around the corner and follow a trail of curious customers to see a Porsche Carrera with blood pouring out of the drivers seat*
*Ava and Octavia walk over and look into the window to see Cedric the Entertainer with a pen in one eye, car keys in the other and, like, 58 puncture wounds in his chest. And his dick out.*
Ava: Guess he got caught
*Ava looks around the parking lot before walking up to an old black dude wearing shades. She snatches his shades off and jogs back over to Octavia*
*Ava puts the shades on *
Ava: With his pants down.
*Meanwhile, in a dark room in a mysterious lair somewhere, Becky Gray stands in a room with only one half lit, looking into the darkness.*
BeckyGray: I couldn’t believe it was so easy. I told that rapping idiot that I was taking care of “Beyoncé business” and he left me right alone. It’s like telling people Beyoncé told you to do it is like a get out of jail free card.
Mystery Guy: Indeed. It was hidden quite well, but rumors began to move around different circles.
Mystery Guy: Acquiring Beyoncé’s resurrection apparatus could mean so much for our endeavors. What could she have needed it for?
BeckyGray: Who knows? She could bring her favorite family members back to life, I guess?
BeckyGray: I mean, shit, I can’t believe she can even get her hands on the technology necessary for this type of shit.
Mystery Guy: Beyoncé is becoming too strong. She’s gained support and resources that rival even the most beloved kings of old.
Mystery Guy: She has to be knocked down to size. What kind of world do we live in where a black woman has this kind of power?
BeckyGray: A . . . diverse one?
Mystery Guy: A crazy one. A world gone mad. That will change once Trump is in office, though.
BeckyGray: Beg pardon?
*Mystery Guy walks out of the shadows, revealing himself to be Cameron Strang, president of Warner Bros. Music*
Cameron: Don’t worry about that. What we need to worry about is our original plan for our machine.
Cameron: Becky, go to the lab and let them know to prepare to examine the apparatus. I want it tested and up and running as soon as possible.
Cameron: And then we’re getting Prince.
TO BE CONTINUED