The Lemons Part 25

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*Ava, Viola, Lil Mama, Octavia and Kirk look on in astonishment as Bernie Mac smirks at them with Kelly’s mouth*

 

Bernie: Y’all thought it was gonna be that easy, huh?

Ava: Why are you doing this?

Octavia: Yeah, it’s one thing to possess another man, but possessing a woman is out of line.

Bernie: That is ignorant. I can possess any body I want to. Gender and race shouldn’t matter. You being foolish.

Octavia: Why’d you bring race into this? You’re trying to distract m-

Kirk: How do we get him out of there!?

Bernie: Yeah, y’all figure that out.

 

*Kelly runs over to a window and busts it out with her elbow. She then runs past them out the door.*

 

Ava: Shit. I’m glad I used Viola card for this rental.

Viola: I’ma sue your whole shit. You paying for this.

Ava: You were just in Suicide Squad. You have the money.

Viola: Don’t bring up Suicide Squad no more.

Kirk: Um, can we help my friend? Why didn’t any of y’all chase her?

Ava: I don’t run

Octavia: Me neither

Viola: If i’m paid enough, eh

Lil Mama: She too big for me, I’m good.

Ava: After all the shit we went through to save your ass, we figured you’d be more grateful. Why ain’t you do it?

Kirk: My body isn’t capable. Something about being possessed just took so much of my energy.

Viola: Sounds like laziness to me.

Kirk: Can w-

 

*They all hear a car pull off and screech loudly*

 

Kirk: We could’ve caught up to her in that entire time we spent talking!

Ava: Whoops, I guess.

Octavia: Bernie said he had unfinished business. What could he be talking about?

Lil Mama: His family, maybe?

Octavia: I don’t think he would try to go see his family in Kelly Price’s body He’s smarter than that.

Kirk: That’s it. I’m walking to your house and getting my car.

Octavia: Bye

Ava: Peace

 

*Kirk shakes his head and walks out of the house*

 

Octavia: He didn’t even seem phased when he ended up in Kelly Price’s body.

Ava: Maybe he just high off of being a ghost.

Octavia: or maybe he realized he could use it to his advantage. He ran out of here pretty quickly. Maybe he looking for food.

Lil Mama: We can always search her twitter name or the Kelly Price hashtag. If anyone sees her being out of character, they’ll most likely go to social media.

Octavia: Smart girl! I apologize for saying I didn’t want you here. I didn’t, but I do now.

Lil Mama: Thank you, Miss Spencer.

Ava: Get off her dick. Jeez.

Octavia: Shut up!

Viola: So does that spirit serum kill the ghost or does it just remove it from the body?

Octavia: You can’t kill a ghost, dummy. It sends it back to the realm from whence it came.

Viola: Call me another dummy.

Octavia: Let’s go. We should be moving, at least.

Octavia: Moving towards a Wendy’s. I am starving.

Ava: And the first thing you thought of was Wendy’s? Wow. I–

???: Who the hell are you? Why are you in my house? Eek! My window!

 

*A light-skinned man with a beard and a dissheveled blonde wig stands in the doorway, clutching his fur coat*

 

Ava: Uh, you rented the house to us. On AirBnB? Joanne, right?

Joanne: I wouldn’t rent my house to an African-American. That is outrageous. If you don’t exit my caucasian house, I will call the police.

Ava: How is your house caucasian?

Joanne: You ask such lower middle class questions. I am offended that you would direct them at me.

Lil Mama: You’re not even whi-

Joanne: I don’t have any money or any jewelry. Please leave after you pay for my window.

Ava: We didn’t do that. That was definitely a rock from a neighbor kid.

Joanne: There are no neighbor kid rocks. Did you not read the signs?

Viola: Signs?

Joanne: Yes, signs. “No pets, No children, no liberals”. The one with the dreadlocks is clearly liberal. The small one is a child. You, I like the cut of your jib. What is your name?

Viola: Nunya

Joanne: Nunya? How ethnic. Maybe I won’t call the pol-

Police officer: afternoon, ladies. I heard reports of a break in?

 

*a tall white police officer and a black lady officer of average height walk into the house*

 

*Joanne is startled and jumps back like caveman SpongeBob*

 

Ava: This bitch the snitch of Snitchtown.

Joanne: Please don’t use slang at me.

Joanne: Yes, officers, there was no break in. I am the owner.

Ladycop: Is that so. . .

 

*the officer picks up a framed picture and shows it to Joanne*

 

Ladycop: This is you?

 

*The picture shows a middle-aged white woman hugging two equally white children*

 

Joanne: Can you not tell?

Ladycop: Ma’am, can I see your ID.

Joanne: Of course.

 

*Joanne reaches into her fur coat and pulls out a state ID. Several other cards fall on the floor as she closes her fur*

 

Joanne: Don’t look at those.

 

*the tall cop takes the ID and looks at it as Joanne grabs the cards from the floor. There’s a picture of a 50 year old white woman underneath the name Joanne Lipschitz*

 

Tall cop: Hm

Tall cop: Checks out. Would you like to fill out a report about the window? It helps with house insurance.

Joanne: No, it’s fine. Just continue to do a great job of protecting our caucasian community.

Joanne: Blue Lives Matter. Hermhermhermhermhermherm.

Tall cop: indeed.

Ava: Black Lives Matter

Tall cop: SHE’S GOT A GUN

 

*The officer reaches for his sidearm, but Lil Mama pulls her phone out and turns it sideways. The police officers hiss and scurry out of the door like vampires*

 

Joanne: Hm. I have to remember that.

Joanne: I will forgive you for my window because I have a warm, Anglo-Saxon heart. I am very wealthy, so paying for that window will be like replacing a key.

Ava: Thank you, most kind and confused bitch.

Octavia: We can help move the furniture, at least. That was. . .  That was our faults. . .

Joanne: Nonono, please. Please.

Joanne: I do my best cleaning alone and without cameras.

Octavia: Ooooookay. Bye.

Joanne: Yes, goodbye.

 

*Octavia, Ava, Viola and Lil Mama makes their way out the front door as Joanne Lipschitz closes it behind them, watching them cautiously*

 

Lil Mama: So. That was bizarre.

 

*A Subaru outback pulls into the driveway and parks next to Viola’s car. A 40-something year old white woman in a black dress gets out and shuts the door*

 

White Lady: Wow, holy fuck, why are Oscar nominees in front of my house?

Octavia: We’ve come to go.

White Lady: What?

Octavia: We must leave, uh

Ava: Aw. Shit. This not Sidney Poitier house. The fuck.

Viola: Hahaha, Google Maps, am I right?

White Lady: You’re so right. One time my husband insisted on following a dirt road because it was 4 minutes faster and how about we came across a furry orgy.

Viola: What?

Octavia: *Giggles with delight*

White Lady: So weird. Hey, do you guys want some water? Redd’s? Yuengling? Michelob? Boxed wine?

Ava: Yes

Viola: No. We must find Sidney Poitier.

Octavia: the great Sidney Poitier!

Lil Mama: Yes!

White Lady: Okay! Hahahahahahha.

Tiffany: My name’s Joanne by the way.

Lil Mama: Huh?

Octavia: Bu–

Joanne: Oh, hold on, my phone’s ringing. Just, uh, hold on. I have to HAVE TO get a picture with you guys.

Ava: Uhhhhhhhhhh

Joanne: Hello?

Joanne: Yes, hey, honey.

Joanne: You’re still driving that way? After what we saw before? Please do–

Joanne: What? You’re lying, you piece of shit.

Joanne: Because this sounds like a prank.

Joanne: “She was my beeest frieeeend. You were my huuuusband.” Her?

Joanne: Kevin. You need some sleep, Kevin.

Joanne: No, don’t call the police. They aren’t going to believe you.

Joanne: And if they do, what if they shoot a random black person?

Joanne: This shit happens, Kevin.

Joanne: Just mind your fucking business and come home. I think that place is a demonic portal.

Joanne: I love you, good bye.

Joanne: So my extremely exhausted husband claims that he saw Kelly Price pulling DL Hughley’s body out of a trunk.

Ava: Ah

Viola: Ha ha ha ho ho ho

Octavia: Oh, he is tripping, hahaha.

Joanne: It sounds like a MadTV sketch or something. Like, what? Hahaha

Joanne: So, that picture, though?

Viola: Yes, right now.

Ava: ASAP

 

*the mystery team crowds around Joanne as she sets her phone up to take a selfie*

 

Joanne: Oh, is this your daughter, Viola?

Lil Mama: What? No, I’m Lil Mama.

Joanne: Oh, okay. I guess you can be in the picture, too.

 

Joanne: Cheese!

 

*Joanne snaps, like, 3 pictures*

 

Joanne: Amazing! Sorry for holding you guys up. Tell Sidney Poitier I said hi. Ava: Sure, okay.

 

*Avataviaolamama dart to Viola’s car and jump in*

 

Viola: Hey, which way is that shortcut your husband takes?

Joanne: Oh, its right down this road, make a left, make a right at the roundabout and go straight. Make a right on to the second dirt road you see and good luck. I’m going to bed.

Viola: Thanks, Joanne.

 

*Viola pulls her head back in as they pull out of the  driveway*

 

Octavia: So I think that guy in the wig was a liar

Lil Mama: And a scammer.

Ava: And none of our business. We need to find out if Bernie really about to kill one of the Kings of Comedy.

Octavia: Oh my god, what if that’s his unfinished business? Killing the other living Kings of Comedy?

Ava: First off, how did he get DL so fast? That shit was, like, immediate.

Octavia: It doesn’t matter. We need to find them

 

*Meanwhile, at Drake’s Calabasas Stronghold, Beyoncé receives a phonecall on her iPhone 12 as she watches Sausage Party with the OVO crew. She walks out of the regulation-sized theater and answers*

 

Bey: Yes.

Taylor: Beyoncé, I f’d up.

Bey: Do tell.

Taylor: I. . . I lo–. . . I. . . Oh, gosh.

Bey: You lost him.

Taylor: I’m so sorry, Yonce

Bey: This is actually wonderful.

Taylor: What? Really?

Bey: Yes. Now I don’t have to speak to you anymore.

 

*the iPhone 12 rolls into a perfect sphere and floats away. Beyoncé walks back into the theater*

 

Bey: Wow, you didn’t pause it?

Drake: You can’t get the full theater experience that way.

Bey: I can already hear Rihanna breaking your heart.

 

*Beyoncé’s iPhone 14s floats into the room and writes Jay Z’s name in the air*

 

Bey: Lol. I must take this.

Drake: Of course.

 

*Beyoncé answers the phone*

 

Bey: Yello.

Jay: “She’s wearing my scent”? Really?

Bey: Its a harmless song, baby.

Jay: You playing games, B.

Bey: Like, what games? Like the one where you catch a flight to Moscow and claim it’s business but there’s a bonus stage where you fuck another bitch?

Jay: Wow, but you don’t get a nigga back like that.

Bey: First off, nigga, I’m not Foxy Brown.

Bey: Second, you think that’s getting you back? I’m just having fun, right now.

Jay: Well, you’re having too much fun, now.

Bey: Nowhere near as much fun as you’ve had.

Jay: Look, you keep bringing up old shit.

Bey: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. There’s a big dick trying to talk to me. Later.

Jay: Wow, don’t–

 

*Beyoncé hangs up*

 

Bey: I wonder how long I should torture him.

Drake: You better hope he doesn’t write a diss about you.

Bey: Lol, I’d flame his dumb ass.

 

*meanwhile at the Carter mansion. . .*

 

Kanye: So what are you gonna do?

Jay: . . . I’m going in the booth.

 

TO BE CONTINUED

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