*Drake and Beyonce sit on a Terrace in Drake’s west coast home, an OVO table separating their bodies. Drake is giving his phone a serious look and then decides to speak.*
Drake: So, uh, I’m not really sure if I can go with this plan.
Drake: Well, I kinda have someone and if she sees me in public with another woman, it wouldn’t be a good look, ya know?
Drake: I mean, seen?
*Beyoncé stands up and walks directly in front of Drake*
Drake: Uh. . . Um, yes?
Bey: So you’re denying my request because of a potential girlfriend. Are you forgetting I’m the most important woman alive?
Drake: I know, but. . . I’ve waited for her a long time. . .
Bey: Oh, did Nicki break up with Meek? Good, I can talk to her again.
Drake: No, no, it’s not her.
Bey: This would have been good publicity for you.
Bey: Views is doing well statistically but I doubt people are looking forward to your next album. Your buzz is dwindling and you may not feel it now, but you will.
Bey: Every time a new Chief Keef imitator with fruity pebble dreadlocks comes out, it will chip away your relevance. Soon you’ll be the old rapper.
Drake: So I don’t have to do it? That’s great. I just got this billboard done for RiRi and I don’t think–
Bey: What did you say?
Drake: I said “So I don’t have to do it? That’s great. I just got this–
Bey: You’re dating Rihanna. Again.
Drake: Yeah. She wants to keep it on the low.
*Beyoncé sips her wine*
Bey: And you’re happy?
Drake: Of course. Rihanna is the one that eluded me for so long.
Bey: People elude things for a reason.
Bey: Rihanna fucked my husband Aubrey.
Drake: I’m sorry to hear that.
Bey: Jay is the reason you two couldn’t be together.
Drake: Hahaha, what? Beg your pardon?
Bey: Jay Z and your beloved island trollop were fucking. She wasn’t committed to anyone because she was his Cassie. However, unlike Puffy, he was smart enough to settle down and let her be free.
Drake: Now, listen, I’m not–
Bey: Going to take it personal? Every time you see Jay and Rihanna at a party, you’ll be fine?
Bey: When they’re at the Met Gala and Jay whispers something in her ear that makes her cock her head back and laugh
*Beyoncé’s head flies back and she Eartha Kitt laughs*
Bey: And she strokes his arm, feeling his bicep as she smiles and gazes at his face.
Bey: You’ll be able to stomach that, knowing that she can sit on it whenever she wants?
Bey: Is it just easier to give up on a woman when a man is involved? Does the musk scare you away?
Drake: What do you mean?
Bey: You complain about all of your exes being indebted to you and changing, yet you wait for her.
Bey: What makes her special?
*Beyoncé studies Drake, causing a trickle of sweat to form on his brow. He struggles to maintain eye contact and she can tell*
Bey: Do you want to protect her?
Drake: Of course. I love her.
*Beyoncé leans forward in her seat*
Bey: Protect her from what?
Bey: Chris Brown?
Drake: . . .
Bey: Is that what all this having a beard, beefing with street niggas and talking like Buju Banton is about?
Bey: You put on this whole badmon persona to get Rihanna back. Hahaha, holy shit.
Drake: You don’t know me.
Bey: You’ve made it so obvious.
Bey: You top it all off with a billboard and all you get is a “He extra” with a heart and a trophy. You’re like putty in her hands.
Drake: No, it’s not like that. We’re meant for each other.
Bey: Because she shakes her ass on your dick whenever you do a song together?
Bey: I’m sure Travis Scott felt the same way.
*Drake bites the inside of his cheek*
Drake: If you want me to turn against her because your marriage is suffering, you got me fu-
Drake:– Messed up.
Bey: I’m glad you found love in a hopeless place, but I’m giving you a chance to make a power move before she leaves you for Chris or Big Sean.
Drake: Big Sean is with Jhene.
Bey: So was Dot Da Genius, but that didn’t stop Sean, did it?
Bey: Forcing Pineapple and Banana Girl to claim you isn’t worth it, Aubrey. We could be helping each other.
Drake: I. . . I think I’ve had enough of your help. May I ask you to leave?
Bey: You may.
Drake: Can you leave, please?
Bey: Because I’d like to speak to PartyNextDoor.
Drake: What? Party isn’t– lol are you serious?
Bey: Being a troublesome side nigga is his forte and you’re acting like an entire bitch.
Drake: “Entire” seems kinda harsh
Bey: Where would I find him?
Drake: I can take you to him
*Drake and Beyonce stand up from the table on the terrace and walk into his OVO fort*
*Meanwhile, on the other end of Drake’s Calabasas home base, the Weekend walks Blue Ivy around his lavish living space*
Weeknd: And here you have the fountain. I can have whatever drink I want come out of here, but for you, its sunny delight.
Blue: Sunny Delight is nasty
Weeknd: Lol no. Maybe right now, but when you grow up and mix it with other stuff, you’ll be like “wow, I can’t even taste the other stuff”
Blue: Why would I mix it with other stuff? I don’t mix my own stuff.
Weeknd: You’re such a diva. It’s adorable.
Blue: Why are all these women on the floor?
Blue: That’s dirty.
Weeknd: They were so sleepy they couldn’t even make it to bed, so they lay where they stood.
Blue: Maybe they had a sugar crash. Mommy says if I eat too much sugar, I’ma be real tired.
Weeknd: That’s a good thing to know. Too much sugar is bad for you.
Blue: Yeah, especially with all of that sugar.
*Blue’s finger points and he follows it to a table covered in small mountains of white powder*
*Weeknd runs behind a couch and grabs a handivac. He begins trying to vacuum the whole table.*
Weeknd: Haha, yeah, this is too much sugar.
Blue: You’re wasting it! You should save some.
*Blue comes over to the table and grabs a big pile of “sugar”*
Blue: We need a bowl.
*Weeknd begins vacuuming her hands when the vacuum begins sputtering and choking. He tosses the vacuum over his shoulder and begins cleaning Blue’s hands with his own*
Weeknd: Wait, I’ll be right right right back.
*Weeknd runs into a bathroom and runs back out with a wet washcloth to see Blue picking up a handful of colorful pills*
Blue: Is this candy?
*Weeknd balls up the wet rag and throws it at Blue’s hand like a big league pitcher, causing pills to fly into the air like hard confetti*
Weeknd: That is medicine. Medicine for grown-ups.
Blue: Wow, you’re mean.
*Patti Labelle sits in the passenger side of Mariah Carey’s bulletproof Range Rover as Solange and Taraji sit in the backseat. Taraji is actually knocked the fuck out.*
Patti: How did you even know where we were?
Mariah: Well, I heard that a house Aretha was in had blown up and decided to go out and celebrate. I happened to see her Mexican butler looking suspicious and decided to follow him.
Mariah: I had a feeling you were involved.
Patti: Involved like shit. I finally got that saggy bitch.
Mariah: Really? How?
Patti: I ISIS’d her dumb ass. She tried to poison me beforehand.
Patti: Yeah, it’s a long story but I’m tired as hell.
Mariah: I’m sure.
Solo: Where did you get this car?
Mariah: Nick gave it to me after I had the babies. I had to get the bulletproof plating myself.
Mariah: He talking bout “baby, what you need bulletproof cars for? You not 50 Cent, hahaha”. You know how he is with his 10 year old jokes.
Patti: I’m glad you dumped his ass. Ain’t nothing good about marrying no black man. Get you a white man with 5 times as much money as you, at least. Do the math before you let him propose.
Mariah: If you not on point.
Mariah: Are you okay, sweetie? I have lozenges.
Solo: No, I’m fine.
Mariah: Where did you and Taraji come from anyway?
Solo: We were there with my sister, the fan started spinning and then shit hit it. Could you take me to my sister’s house?
Mariah: Ha! This not Uber, baby. Y’all coming home with me, then you can do whatever you want. I have dresses to examine and turn down.
Mariah: I just saved your life and shit. I thought y’all would want to sit still and enjoy some a/c for a minute.
Solo: . . . I guess.
*Solo looks out the window of the Range, wondering when her day will be over*
*Meanwhile at the Carter Mansion, Kanye, Leo, Jay and the Jenner sisters stand around in the kitchen like shit not getting crazy*
Kanye: You know what, you guys should go home.
Kanye: Yeah, you guys are kinda useless and there’s not much going on.
Kendall: I always hear that at fashion shows.
Kylie: Well, you don’t have to tell me twice.
*Kylie begins leaving*
Kendall: I had fun today. We’ll see you later!
*Kendall gives Kanye a hug and runs off after Kylie*
Kanye: Glad that’s over. I can say bitch, now.
Jay: Yeah, great.
Leo: You need to get in contact with your wife.
Jay: No, you need to get in contact with my wife because I’m washing my hands of this. I’m done. You already got me in trouble today.
Leo: “Got you in trouble”? Dude, you’re like 45. Don’t be a Tae Bo ho.
Jay: Fuck you.
Leo: Aw, come on. That was a good one.
*the doorbell rings to the melody of dangerously in love*
Leo: Does it do her entire catalog or
*Jay walks up to the front door and opens it to find J. Cole on his porch eating sun chips*
Cole: Ayyy, what’s up, Jay?
Jay: This not a good time, Cole.
Cole: Man, I’m sure. I figured you saw it by now.
Jay: Saw what?
Cole: The snapchat?
Jay: I don’t have that.
Cole: People just record the videos off of there and post them on the internet.
Jay: Didn’t know that.
*J. Cole looks slightly puzzled*
Leo: Dude, your wife is on snapchat doing a duet with PartyNextDoor.
Leo: He’s singing about– here, look.
*Leo throws his phone at Jay, which Jay catch–wait, it went in the air– okay, he–nope, it–okay he got it*
*Jay looks at the phone to see a video of Beyoncé laying her head on PND’s shoulder as he plays piano and sings a ballad*
PND: I know girls love Beyoncé
PND: I know that niggas do to
PND: And some niggas won’t admit it
PND: but I’ll admit it to you
PND: I know that she’s like a goddess
PND: Its like she’s heaven sent
PND: She might be wearing his chain
PND: But she be wearing my scent
Jay: OHHHH FUCK NO
Kanye: He rhymed “scent” with “sent”. That was tight.
TO BE CONTINUED