The Lemons Part 21

ARCHIVE

 

 

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*Taylor Swift, Lianne La Havas and Selena Gomez sit across from Kim, Khloe, Kourtney and Angela Kardashian in a meeting room in Taylor’s home. Taylor figured it would be more prudent to meet face to face and squash any beef rather than have bad blood (I won’t do that no more, I promise).*

 

Taylor: I’m just curious, why is she here?

Kim: Who, Kourtney?

Angela: She means me lol.

Taylor: This has nothing to do with her. Or your sisters.

Kim: Everything has to do with my sisters and Angela is my sister, now. In title at least.

 

*Khloe grinds her teeth visibly*

 

Kim: Also, we were out buying baby jewelry.

Kim: You’ve tried to demonize my husband and their brother-in-law over song lyrics that you approved.

Taylor: “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex. Why? I made that bitch famous”? Those aren’t song lyrics; that’s a YouTube comment.

Kim: I can’t comprehend your anger when you and Kanye talked on the phone. That is what upset me.

Taylor: You can clearly see in your doctored video that Kanye never said the “made that bitch famous” part.

Kim: So? You’re more okay with my husband saying he wants to have sex with you than saying he made you famous?

Taylor: You’re okay with your husband saying he wants to have sex with me?

Kim: Absolutely

Selena: tsk tsk tsk

Khloe: Were you saying something?

Selena: Nope

Khloe: I thought so

Selena: Well, since we’re talking, is letting your man disrespect you something that comes with dating rappers or do you let any man do it?

 

*Kourtney sniggers*

 

Khloe: You have some nerve for someone who started dating unimportant niggas.

Taylor: Gasp!

Selena: You just said the N-word.

Khloe: Well, yeah, there aren’t any cameras around.

Taylor: Wearing a Tupac shirt and putting your ass on a black guy every day doesn’t mean you can use that word.

Khloe: My stepdaddy said I can.

Kim: This is all irrelevant. I want to know what you hoped to gain by inviting me here.

Taylor: I want us to say we’re friends and to put this narrative behind us.

Kim: Lol. Friends?

Taylor: Yes. I don’t want to have issues with Kanye, but he’s putting nude look-alikes of me in videos. There has to be a line somewhere, Kim.

Kim: Artists make their own lines. I thought you would know that after putting your exes on blast in your music so much.

Taylor: That’s not the same and you know it.

Kim: Well, it doesn’t make you look like less of a snake, Taylor.

Angela: Oh, the baby’s kicking!

Everyone: Awww!

Khloe: Oh my god!

Taylor: How far along are you?

Selena: Did you guys pick a name? My mom makes bassinets.

Taylor: This is so wonderful. Beautiful.

Kim: I have no desire to be your friend, Taylor.

Taylor: Its not my fault your husband is obsessed with me

Kim: He’s obsessed with a lot of women, okay? You aren’t special.

Taylor: But I am! I’m Taylor Swift, bitch!

*Everyone at the table stares at Taylor on various states of surprise*

 

Taylor: I apologize for my outburst. I meant “I am Taylor Swift, no ‘bitch'”.

Kim: I believe your point is clear. I suggest you be honest next time or things  will begin to fall apart around you. Come, sisters. The paparazzi can’t waste their lives if we aren’t present.

 

*Kim, Khloe, Kourtney and Angela stand up and begin to leave Taylor’s table*

 

Kim: And think really hard about whether you want to press charges or not. Being my father’s child has resulted in connections that you couldn’t imagine.

 

*Taylor sits with her arms crossed, watching the Kardashians leave her house*

 

Taylor: They’re gonna get their’s, you guys. I swear it.

Selena: “You guys”?

Taylor:  Huh? Where is Lianne?

 

*Prince cautiously walks from behind a tree as he traverses Taylor Swift Forest. Knowing white people’s affinity for the wildest animals, he proceeds as if he woke up in the serengetti. The only animal he’s come across is a brown horse with flowers braided into its hair.*

 

*He moves past a large tree to see a cottage tucked into a cave in front of a small pond. Brightly colored butterflies flutter over the body of water, randomly landing on small lilypads.*

 

Prince: I’m supposed to sleep in this? I feel like she shading me right now.

 

*Prince walks around the pond and to the door of the cottage. He opens the door to see a room that wouldn’t be out of place in a Lord of the Rings fanfiction*

 

Prince: Hello?

 

*With only the natural light coming through the door, Prince scans the room and realizes that there are no light bulbs*

 

Prince: She really put me in a cabin with no electricity. For some reason, people think Jehovah’s Witness means Amish.

Prince: Beyoncé better put me in a secret hotel or something.

 

*Prince finds some overly whimsical matches with multicolored heads to light the lamps and candles in the cottage. As it brightens up, Prince gains a little more appreciation for it.*

 

*Prince hears footsteps from the forest and blows out the closest candle. He then creeps up to a window and peeks outside.*

 

*After a few seconds, Lianne La Havas walks towards the small pond and crouches down*

 

*Prince feels the fire in his loins engulf his common sense. He bristles with passion as he watches the sunlight accentuate Lianne’s legs.*

 

*With little thought, Prince removes his shirt and opens the door to the cottage. Lianne looks up but does not stand from her position.*

 

Lianne: Hello? Is anyone in there?

Lianne: If this is a joke, you can stop. It isn’t funny.

 

*Prince emerges from the slight darkness of the cottage*

 

Prince: Hello, Lianne.

Lianne: What!?

 

*Lianne stands sharply and steps backwards like a startled fawn. Her heel gets caught in a stick and she stumbles onto her rear end.*

 

Prince: You aren’t dreaming.

Lianne: Clearly. I just hurt my ass.

Prince: I can take care of that for you.

Lianne: No, thanks.

 

*Leanne stands up and wipes forest debris from her bum.*

 

Lianne: Who are you?

Prince: I am who I look like I am.

Lianne: A short man that’s obsessed with Prince and hides out in people’s tool sheds.

Prince: A tool shed? This looks like a tool shed to you?

Lianne: What is this, then?

Prince: Its a fairy grotto.

Lianne: You’re a fairy?

Prince: I didn’t name it that. Taylor did.

Lianne: How do you know what Taylor calls it?

Prince: Because Taylor put me here. She’s letting me stay here while I fake my death.

Lianne: I still find it hard to believe that you’re THE Prince.

Prince: Well, I can show you. . .

 

*Prince takes a step toward Lianne and begins to reach for her hand when Lianne backhands the shit out of his hand*

 

Lianne: I DONT KNOW YOU LIKE THAT FAM

Prince: Wow, you are feisty.

Lianne: Look, I came out here to get a break from Taylor and the Kardashians.

Prince: The Kardashians?

Lianne: Yes. Taylor invited Kim and her sisters over to talk about the whole Famous thing.

Prince: Indeed.

Prince: I don’t really care.

Lianne: My agent said being in Taylor’s squad would be a good look but this doesn’t seem worth it. They’re like a bunch of catty high school girls.

Prince: I could sense that from a mile away.

Lianne: I know what is worth it, though.

Prince: And what would that be?

Lianne: You.

 

*Leanne pulls out a gun from seemingly nowhere and shoots a tranquilizer dart into Prince’s neck*

 

Prince: What t– what the–

Prince: What?

 

*Prince’s mind falls backwards into slumber as his body falls onto the floor of the forest*

 

Lianne: Now how the hell am I gonna get him out of here? Bruno was supposed to contact me ages ago.

 

*Meanwhile, Kelly Price sits outside of In-N-Out Burger and contemplates whether or not she should have told Kirk Franklin to get her anything. Suddenly, her phone rings. Kelly answers it and puts the phone to her ear.*

 

Kelly: Hello?

Ava: Hey, boo! If it’s not my favorite thotspel singer.

Kelly: Ava, I wish you wouldn’t call me that.

Ava: Because it’s my fault you sing about dick more than Jesus.

Ava: Hey, have you seen, uh, Kirk around?

Kelly: Franklin? We’re at In-N-Out Burger now.

Ava: What a coincedence. Has he been acting weird?

Kelly: Outside of making passes at me, not really.

Ava: Well, he is weird, okay? It’s some shit going on with him that you wouldn’t believe.

Kelly: Oh, I’ve heard some things so I wouldn’t find it that hard to believe.

Ava: Yeah, you say that. . .

Ava: So, look, when he gets in the car, I need you to bring him to this address.

Kelly: What is this? An intervention or something?

Ava: Yes. That’s exactly what it is. Kirk is on that shit and we’re confronting him about it.

Kelly: Wow, that would explain a lot, actually.

Ava: Yes, he needs black women and Jesus.

Kelly: Oh, he’s coming to the car, now. Text me the address and I’ll bring him.

Ava: Swag.

Kelly: Hahaha. “Swag”. You funny.

 

*Kelly hangs up as Bernie Franklin gets into the car with two big In-N-Out bags*

 

Bernie: Here you go, darling. I know you didn’t want nuffin, but I went ahead and got you a little something anyway.

Kelly: Awww, thank you. You’re so thoughtful.

Bernie: Yeah, I’m full of thoughts, baby.

Kelly: Err. . .

Kirk: *Mentally facepalms*

Kelly: How are you doing, Kirk. Are things going okay?

 

*Kelly’s phone vibrates and she checks it at a stop sign*

 

Bernie: Oh, I’m feeling great, feeling good, how are you, mama. Hahaaa. How are you doing, though?

Kelly: I’m touched by the Lord. I wake up and pray every morning, then I pray every night before I go to sleep.

Bernie: Yeah, me, too.

Kelly: What do you pray for?

Bernie: Uh

Kirk: Peace and glory for God’s children

Bernie: Pizza Boli’s for all children

Kirk: You a goddamn fool.

Kelly: Lol that’s sweet

Bernie: Thank ya kindly. I just want all the little kiddies to be peaceful and not hungry. I wouldn’t wish hunger on my worst enemy.

Bernie: Except Steve Harvey

Kelly: Steve Harvey? What Steve Harvey do to you?

Bernie: Oh, I said, uh, lead godly. Lead people to the godly. Nothing is godlier than a full stomach.

Kirk: Nigga, what?

Kelly: Lol okay. You’re funny today, Kirk. You should do stand up or something.

Bernie: Oh, you think?

Kelly: Yes. Once you get things together, I don’t think it would hurt to try.

Kirk: Get things together?

Bernie: Get things together?

 

*Kelly pulls up and stops in front of a house on a residential street*

 

Kelly: Chumoan, Lee.

Bernie: Bahaha!

 

*Bernie and Kelly exit the car and walk towards the house*

 

Bernie: What’s going on in here?

Kelly: Love and understanding.

Bernie: I’m tryna get some of that love part.

 

*the door opens and Kelly and Bernie walk in. Soon as they come in, Ava slams the door behind them. Viola, Octavia and Lil Mama sit in the living room, Octavia with a syringe full of orange liquid.*

 

Octavia: Welcome back, Bernie.

Bernie: Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, shit.

 

TO BE CONTINUED

 

*meanwhile, at Azealia Banks’ apartment, we find Azealia banging on Frank’s door*

 

Azealia: YOOO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Azealia: I KNOW I DIDN’T MAKE RULES BUT WHY ARE THERE POWER TOOLS AND SHIT?

 

*Frank opens the door slightly*

 

Frank: I’m busy

Azealia: Nigga, you been busy for 4 years!

Frank: Are you even dark enough to say nigga anymore?

Azealia: Shut up. I thought you were putting your album out this summer.

Frank: Its not ready yet.

Azealia: What does it sound like?

Frank: Like I made it.

Azealia: omg you queers are so frustrating

Frank: Talk about the pot calling the kettle black

Frank: Oh, wait

Azealia: Go fuck yourself, Jamal Lyon.

Azealia: and stop using my blueberries

Frank: Start writing your name on them.

 

*Frank closes the door in Azealia’s face*

 

Azealia: You know they not your fucking blueberries, though!

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