The Lemons Part 19

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*Prince stands outside of Taylor Swift’s home in his Kris Jenner disguise. He wraps his scarf around his face, hoping to seem less conspicuous. A blue Dodge Viper pulls up and rolls down its driver side window. The driver is a 45 year old black man with a clean shaved head. His feline-esque appearance startles Prince, causing him to bristle with confusion.*

 

BlueTammy: Hello, Mr. Nelson. I’m known amongst the Hive as Blue Tammy.

Prince: Good for you. My things?

BlueTammy: Hm. Cute.

 

*Blue Tammy hoists an Ivy Park bag with one hand and tosses it out the window*

 

Prince: Rude.

BlueTammy: Whatever. Beyoncé has informed me to inform you to stay as far away from Taylor as possible. She’ll be transferring you elsewhere, soon.

Prince: Thats the 75th best thing I’ve heard all day.

Prince: 1-74 is, of course, the words of Jehovah.

BlueTammy: Please don’t.

BlueTammy: For some reason, she trusts you with a handgun, so there’s a weapon in there. Please don’t be caught with that because the police won’t believe you’re Prince.

Prince: Or will they?

BlueTammy: You are very bizarre, Mr. Nelson. I will be your Hive contact in this area so please notify me for extremely serious emergencies only.

Prince: You realize I’m Prince and you’re a man that works for Beyoncé, right?

BlueTammy: Exactly.

 

*BlueTammy pulls off around Taylor’s circular driveway and leaves*

 

Prince: What did tha– Nevermind.

 

 

 

Prince hoists the bag around his shoulders and runs around the back of Taylor’s home. As he jogs around the corner, he’s met with a white wooden fence with intricate carvings on the top. He kicks his high heel shoes off, throws the bag over the obstacle and hops over so quickly it seems like one maneuver. Prince stays close to the wall when he begins to hear yelling through the window. Taylor Swift yells at her phone as Lianne watches uncomfortably. Prince hears the name Selena and realizes she is on speakerphone with Selena Gomez*

 

Taylor: Like, really, Selena, why is everyone so mean to me?

Taylor: Kanye is the one that says he wanted to have sex with me, why is everyone treating me like the bad guy?

Selena: I don’t know, girl, but you gotta stay positive, okay?

Taylor: I’m always positive! People just start being, like, so rude!

Lianne: Why did you say Kanye could say that?

Taylor: It was, I don’t know, like, I don’t know, flattering? It’s rap, you know? They’re always talking about fucking stuff.

Taylor: He didn’t say he was gonna call me a bitch and say he made me famous!

Selena: Yeah, he must have you confused with Kim or something.

Taylor: I KNOW, RIGHT?

Taylor: Tom won’t even talk to me!

Lianne: Why?

Taylor: He said I lied. I said I didn’t talk to Kanye because I wanted everyone to love me. His wife wasn’t supposed to be recording us and

Lorde: Phrasing!

Taylor:

Lianne:

Phone:

Lorde: Are we. . .  Are we not doing that anymore?

Taylor: Tom thinks I’m lying because I forgot that I talked to Kanye once.

Lorde: It might not help that you write songs about your ex-boyfriends

Taylor: Lani, what I need you to do is shut it. I need you to close it and not open it any more or else I’ma. . . I’ma pop you!

Lorde: lol what

Selena: Wow

Taylor: I’m so sorry! This whole Kanye thing is making me angry all the time!

Taylor: His gross wife is trying to ruin my reputation for what? She’s on her stupid show with her stupid family and her brother got their sisters boyfriend’s baby mama pregnant and everything is so stupid!

Taylor: And Katy Perry laughed at me on Twitter! Everyone is so mean to me!

 

*Taylor breaks down crying as Lianne comes over to console her*

 

Selena: Its okay, girl. You’ve still got your squad.

Selena: Everybody was mad at me for defending you! Some guy brought up black lives and I’m like “whoa, I’m not picking sides” and people flipped out.

Lianne: Not picking sides?

Selena: Well, yeah. I like black people but I like the police, too, and I don’t want to pick a side.

Lorde: You know the police are, like, shooting unarmed black people and getting away with it?

Selena: The police kill more white people than black people. You can look it up.

Lianne: Wow.

Selena: I’m just saying. . . All lives matter.

Prince: Black Lives Matter

Lianne: Who said that?

 

*Prince hurries away from the window and heads towards the backyard. He gets to the back and realizes that her yard is actually a sizeable forest*

 

Prince: Seriously? For real?

 

*Prince puts down the bag and rummages through it. He finds some Nike running shoes in his size along with a purple, galaxy-printed biking outfit.*

 

Prince: Aw, she takes such good care of me.

 

*Prince promptly changes into the athletic garb and puts the bag back up onto his shoulders.*

 

Prince: Okay, let’s do this.

 

*Prince heads into Taylor Swift’s backyard forest at a brisk pace, slowly fading into the shadows within*

 

*Meanwhile, Kirk Franklin walks down the street in an exhausted manner. The exhaustion comes not from his body, but from Bernie Mac’s clumsy possession. After hauling ass away from Octavia’s house to escape the excruciating pain of ghost extraction, he gained enough experience to properly handle Kirk Franklin’s body.*

 

*Pause*

 

Bernie Mac: Shit, I could go for a bacon cheeseburger out this bitch. Or just the bacon. Mmmm, that good pork.

Bernie Mac: That’s right, I ain’t gotta watch my health! I’m in another nigga’s body. Hot damn. This possession shit might really be the  business.

Bernie Mac: Damn that boring ass “being myself again” shit. I was myself for 5 decades and I died. So much for that.

Kirk: You can’t stay in here, Bernie! Get out of my body!

Bernie: What the hell? Where you coming from? Where that voice coming from?

Kirk: I don’t know what you did to me, but you need to undo it. I need my body back, Bernie.

Bernie Mac: Oh, shut the fuck up, Kirk. You the one wanna be an exorcist and now you suffering the consequences.

Bernie Mac: I’m bout to go get me some food and plug a BBW, ya feel me? Hermhermhermherm.

Kirk: You. . . You heathen!

Bernie Mac: I heard bout you, buddy. I know you feel me.

Kirk: Tuh!

 

*A blue 2009 Chevy Equinox pulls up during Bernie and Kirk’s conversation. It turns out the vehicle is driven by Kelly Price.*

 

Bernie: Speaking of BBWs.

Kirk: Oh, God, no

Kelly: Kirk? What are you doing out this way? You look like you walked through the desert, froze and thawed out.

Bernie Mac: Hey, girl! Damn, you lost a lotta weight!

Kelly: Um, thank you?

Bernie Mac: Hey, you feel like riding a brother to In-N-Out burger?

 

*Bernie Mac gets into the Equinox*

 

Kelly: Sure. How are you doing?

Bernie: I’m doing blessed, my juicy sister. And how are you?

Kelly: I’ve been so stressed out lately. People are questioning my faith and saying such hurtful things.

Bernie: What? Why would they do that to you?

Kelly: Because I sang “As We Lay” at a gospel expo.

Kirk: Why the hell would she do that?

Bernie: Why the hell would you do that?

Kelly: They asked me to perform MY songs

Bernie: And you perform the one about having an affair? At a gospel expo?

Bernie: That’s like performing “I’m Black and I’m Proud” at a Klan meeting, baby. You gotta show better judgment than that.

Kelly: I feel like my artistic integrity is being challenged, Kirk. Sinning is as much a part of being a Christian as following the way of the Lord. My music shares all aspects of Christian woma–

Bernie: Ain’t that song a cover?

Kelly: –nhood and if you can’t appreciate that, your whole perspective is wack, you know?

Bernie: Uh-huh

Kelly: Kanye called me. He’s been so supportive. He hates it when people try to stunt your creativity.

Bernie: Kanye? West? The rapper?

Kelly: Lol who else?

Kirk: We were on his last album, “the life of Pablo” on a song called “Ultralight Beam”

Bernie: What?

Kelly: Huh?

Bernie: Ultralight Beam.

Kelly: Uh-huh

 

*Kelly pulls into the In-N-Out burger parking lot and stops in a parking space*

 

Bernie: Great, so I want two double doubles and–

Kelly: Excuse me?

Bernie: What, you fart or something?

Kelly: You ask me to take you to In-N-Out Burger without a mention of gas money and then you tell me your order like I’m going to go get it?

Bernie: I thought we was cool, Kelly

Kirk: Get out the car, fool.

Bernie: I’m sorry, Kelly. Ima go order for us, okay, boo?

Kelly: I already ate and stop calling me boo and baby. It’s making me uncomfortable.

Bernie Mac: Yes, ma’am.

 

*Kirknie Frankmac gets out of the SUV and proceeds to walk into the In-N-Out Burger*

 

Bernie: Damn, she act like a brotha asked for some head or something, way she acting

Kirk: We need to leave

Bernie: Nigga, didn’t you hear me say I wanted food? I hopped in the car with her ass to get food. I’m not leaving without at least 4 burgers. What’s your debit card PIN number?

Kirk: We need to get back to Ms. Spencer’s house and fix this.

Bernie: Shuddup.

 

*Back at Octavia’s house, shortly after Bernie Mac jumped out of the window.*

 

Octavia: Well, my fault for not putting goddamn everyshit on everything!

Ava: You the one wanna act like damn Leslie Jones ghostbuster bitch and summon him! You could’ve moved to another house with your white girl ninja detective book money!

Octavia: I didn’t invest all my money into this house just to lose it over some shit no one is gonna believe.

Ava: Well, now Bernie Mac is in Kirk Franklin’s body and whether niggas believe it or not, it’s going to be a hilarious day on twitter.

Octavia: What?

Ava: Its gonna be memes and shit. They gonna be like “When ghosts are real” and it’s gonna be Mr. Krabs all blurry and shit lol

Octavia:

Lil Mama: Hey, guys, look what I found in this book.

 

*Lil Mama hands Octavia a big ass, black grimoire*

 

Octavia:. . . Uh-huh. . .  oh. oh shit.

 

*Viola turns around in a swivel chair holding a bottle of Wild Irish Rose. She’s clearly drunk, but if you say that she’ll say “I’m tipsy” and then laugh at you like you’re stupid.*

 

Viola: Wutchu get?

Octavia: This is for expelling demons, but, I mean, it should work for any malevolent spirits.

Viola: Is he even malevalum?

Ava: You took that out of my car. Give it to me.

 

*Viola hands Ava the bottle. Ava dumps the pens and pencils out of a mug and pours some of the super cheap wine into it*

 

Octavia: I would consider any spirit with sinful intent “malevalum”. Bernie is rude and horny.

Ava: So how do we expel him and shit?

Octavia: I have to use this solution. I need some basic herbs, activated charcoal, human blood, dog blood, components found in molly, etc.

Octavia: which most of us have.

Ava: Who has dog blood?

Octavia: Me. Any questions will remain answerless.

Ava: Why the fuck you got dog blood?

Octavia: Come with me, little mother. We must make some ghost poison.

 

*Octavia and Lil Mama go downstairs to prepare the concoction*

 

Ava: I wonder if anybody seen his ass yet.

Viola: His ass? Oh, god, do you think he got naked?

Ava: I hope not. Ain’t nothing popped up about him on the Web yet, thank goodness.

Ava: I only have one person’s number that could probably get in touch with him, but that’s if her ass pick up.

Viola: Who are you talking about?

Ava: Kelly Price.

 

TO BE CONTINUED

 

Ava: The one that made the song about R. Kelly cheating on her and then Ron Isley call him an-

Viola: I know who Kelly Price is. *cough*. Shit.

 

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5 thoughts on “The Lemons Part 19

  1. I was really looking forward to how the recent Taylor Swift nonsense would affect the storyline. Am not disappointed. This thing is getting me through the summer. Thank you, sir.

    Like

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