*SHIT, WE BACK AT ARETHA FRANKLIN’S HOUSE AND PATTI LABELLE STILL CHOKING OH MY GOD*
Camera guy: Holy fuck!
Director guy: Cut the feed!
Solo: IS THERE AN ANTIDOTE?
Solo: WHERE IS IT?
Aretha: Fuck that bitch, Solange.
Solo: OH MY GOD
*PATTI FALLS OUT OF HER CHAIR AND BEGINS WRITHING ON THE FLOOR. WHOA*
*TARAJI PULLS THE GUN OUT OF PATTI’S PURSE AND PUTS IT TO JUVENTUD’S HEAD*
Taraji: WHERE’S THE ANTIDOTE
Juventud: I am not afra-
*TARAJI SHOOTS THAT NIGGA IN THE THIGH*
Juventud: AY DIOS MIO
Aretha: STOP SHOOTING MY HOE
*TARAJI SHOOTS JUVENTUD AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME IN THE FOOT! WOW, SHIT IS WILD RIGHT NOW*
Taraji: I’LL SHOOT AGAIN
*ARETHA GOES TO REACH FOR HER PURSE BUT LAURYN HILL SNATCHES IT UP AND MOVES AWAY FROM ARETHA*
Aretha: Lauryn, you better think about this.
Lauryn: I did think. I am choosing life.
*LAURYN RUMMAGES THROUGH ARETHA’S PURSE AND FINDS LIKE 3 VIALS*
Lauryn: Which one!?
*MANDINGO, TIGER OF ARETHA, COMES PROWLING INTO THE ROOM BEFORE TARAJI SHOOTS JUVENTUD IN THE OTHER THIGH, CAUSING MANDINGO TO RUN AWAY*
Juventud: Please don’t shoot me no more! It’s the purple one, pour it in her mouth!
*Lauryn runs over to Patti and pours the vial of purple liquid in her mouth. Patti’s heartbeat begins to slow as she falls unconscious.*
Aretha: Juventud, you wimp.
*Taraji pushes Juventud on the ground towards Aretha. He lays still with his eyes open, completely despondent after letting down his owner.*
Aretha: None of you are welcome in my house anymore. You shot my housedick and you scared my baby.
Solo: You tried to kill Patti! It’s not okay!
Aretha: You bitches coulda left. I said help me write a song. Once I saw Patti’s face, I liked Beyoncé’s idea better.
Solo: You’re a fucking psychopath, Aretha! Wow!
Camera guy: She’s right. You’re going to prison for this. You’re–
Aretha: MANDINGO. KUUA WATU WEUPE.
*Mandingo, Tiger of Aretha, charges back into the room and launches at the camera man, biting his neck and snapping it before he reaches the ground*
*The director and boom mic guy screech in unison and try to run for the front door. The director takes the lead but is tackled by Mandingo, who then swipes at the sound man’s leg. The sound man trips forward and slams face first into the door, putting him in a most unfortunate slumber.*
*The director begins crying as Mandingo tears into his back*
Taraji: Bet money I don’t hang with Beyoncé no more.
*Solo, with both hands on her head in astonishment, stares at Aretha.*
Solo: Why won’t you stop?
Aretha: Why won’t y’all go? Y’all starting to become more like witnesses than celebrities and you lucky Mandingo gonna be full.
Director: I JUST WANT MY MOMMY
*Mandingo begins dragging the weeping director through the dining room to his lavish cave in Aretha’s backyard*
Aretha: Isn’t he beautiful? He’s the grandson of one of Cher’s tigers. She trained him herself.
Lauryn: I’m leaving and I saw nothing.
Aretha: Words are wind. I’ll let you go, though, baby. You got like 17 children to feed. Love you, Lauryn.
Lauryn: I. . . I love you, too.
*Lauryn Hill briskly walks towards the front door only to see it blocked by the unconscious boom mic operator. After shoving his body with her foot for approximately 10 seconds, Lauryn is able to squeeze the door open and slide through to escape.*
Aretha: I can make this seem like it never happened as long y’all don’t snitch.
*Juventud comes into the room with bandages on both legs and and on his left foot*
Juventud: Yes, Aretha
Aretha: Clean up this mess. Chop up that fat white boy by the door and put him in the freezer for Manny.
Juventud: Yes, Aretha.
*Juventud runs to the kitchen for cleaning supplies*
Aretha: As I was saying, Solange, you little nag champa fairy, you.
Aretha: Nobody hears about anything that happened here. Except your sister. Matter fact, I’ll tell her. She gonna get a kick out of this.
*Taraji goes over to Patti Labelle’s side and tries to get her up*
Taraji: You gotta help me get Patti, sis.
Aretha: Patti isn’t going anywhere.
Solo: Beg your pardon
Aretha: I’m keeping her. Do not move her.
Solo: No. I’m not letting you kill Patti.
Aretha: I’m not going to kill her. Mandingo is. Technically. He gonna eat her, but she’ll probably bleed out and di–
Solo: What about the Tidal stream? People are going to ask questions.
Aretha: And they won’t get answers. You seem to underestimate my influence, child.
*Solange goes over to Patti’s side and begins helping Taraji drag her to the front door.*
*Juventud runs into the room wearing an apron and yellow cleaning gloves, all smeared in blood*
Juventud: Yes, Aretha
Aretha: Stop them, please.
*Juventud begins walking towards Taraji and Solange when Taraji suddenly dropkicks Juventud in his leg and lands on the floor.*
*Juventud grabs his right leg with his right hand and grabs Taraji’s foot with his left. Solange promptly roundhouse kicks Juventud in the face.*
*Taraji kicks at Juventud’s left ankle as Juventud uses both hands to reach for Solange. His attempt is met by Solo with a straight right to the nose.*
*Juventud collapses and holds his face as blood seeps through the small space between his hands*
Aretha: Oh, jeez la-gotdamn-weez.
*Aretha begins to slowly get up from her chair as Taraji and Solange begin dragging Patti to the door*
Solo: Move that guy! I can get her to the door by myself.
Aretha: I wanted two tigers but nooooo, Cher old ghoul face ass talkin bout “you aren’t experienced enough”. I could say the same shit. Old 4 hit wonder ass.
*Taraji uses all the strength she can muster to drag the man from in front of the door. She opens it and begins helping Solo again.*
*Patti begins to come to as Solo and Taraji drag her out the front door*
Patti: Heh heh old fat ass slow ass old ass geriatric guinea pig looking hoe
Aretha: You gonna die, Patti. Ima put a some bread on your head, Patti.
*Aretha turns around to go check on Juventud*
Aretha: All this damn nonsense in my house and I ain’t even kill her ass tsk tsk.
*Patti cackles as she clumsily tries to stand up and turn around. Taraji and Solo readjust to help Patti cross the street easier.*
Patti: That was. . . that was close, hahaha
Solo: You almost died! are you crazy?
Taraji: Her tiger ate your cameramen. Her tiger ate people in front of me.
Patti: Did it? That’s fine. I found them on Craigslist anyway.
Patti: I hired a director and camera crew off Craigslist.
Solo: You used Tidal’s money and all you got were Craigslist amateurs?
*Solo and Taraji begin helping Patti into the backseat of Taraji’s electric car. Solo whistles and Carl Thomas comes trotting up from Alfonso Ribeiro’s house. Solo mounts Carl Thomas and trots closer to the car.*
Patti: Ain’t no Tidal stream. It’s a lie. None of the shit that happened in there was broadcast anywhere. It was a ruuuuse.
Solo: What? Why?
Patti: For this.
*Patti reaches into her bra and pulls out what looks like a portable charger. She opens the top to reveal a small button*
Taraji: Patti, what–
*Patti presses the button and ARETHA’S HOUSE EXPLODES, SENDING DEBRIS EVERYWHERE. SOLO JUMPS OFF OF CARL THOMAS AND GETS INTO THE CAR BEHIND TARAJI. CARL THOMAS IS GETTING FREAKED OUT BY ALL THIS SHIT HAPPENING AND RUNS OFF*
Solo: PATTI WHAT THE SHIT
*meanwhile at the Carter mansion, Slaybell kneels next to Beyoncé as she sits atop her often confused husband, Jay Z*
Slaybell: I cannot apologize enough, my queen
Bey: You can and you have, General. I should have had Naomi watch him instead of chase my insolent husband. Inform Naomi420 to comb the basement. You check the perimeter. Me and my husband will search the rest of the house.
Bey: Get my husband some peroxide first.
Slaybell: Yes, Queen.
Jay: Baby, can you get off?
Bey: I really could. I might be into biting, Sean. I’m so aroused.
Jay: That’s. . . great. That’s great, baby. Do you have to draw blood all the time?
Jay: This might be spousal abuse.
Bey: I’m Beyoncé.
*Beyoncé playfully bites Jay’s nose*
Bey: Hmmmm, but first we must find the island minstrel
*Slaybell returns with peroxide, gauze and ace bandages*
Bey: Thank you.
Bey: Meet me upstairs when you are done being soft, my dear husband.
*Beyoncé pulls her katana from the wall and glides up the stairs like an apparition of a samurai princess*
*As Jay Z wraps the bandage around his forearm, he hears a helicopter and notices that the sound lingers longer than he’s used to. It’s also a lot closer. . .*
*Beyoncé walks directly to Blue Ivy’s room and sees her daughter brushing Bruno’s hair. Bruno sits and stares out the window goofily, wearing a Tom Ford suit he stole from Jay Z’s closet due to Slaybell ripping his clothes off*
Bey: You’re a most predictable villain, Bruno.
Blue Ivy: He’s not a villain, mommy. He made Uptown Funk.
Bruno: You say what? I’m too hot!
Blue: Hot dag!
Bruno: Call the po-lice and the fireman, I’m too hot!
Bey: You will not be in my house teaching my daughter to call the police.
*Beyoncé points her katana at Bruno Mars.*
Bey: Come with me so that you may return my husband’s suit and die.
Blue Ivy: Die?
Bey: In a fun way. Like when you eat too many cookies. Oh, nooo, bleeurgh.
*Beyoncé makes a funny face and rubs her stomach with her free hand. Blue giggles happily*
Bruno: This is so beautiful. I can’t wait to find a black woman to raise my child and teach her euphemisms for murder.
Bruno: Like when you do the hit them folk and you kill it?
Blue: Oh, yeah!
*Blue Ivy begins dancing like she’s from Atlanta*
Bey: Okay, baby, go downstairs with your fat–
*Bruno suddenly snatches Blue Ivy up with one arm. A helicopter begins to hover above Blue’s window, where Beyoncé can see a rope ladder drop down.*
Bruno: Not so fast, MILF Money.
Bey: You will regret referring to me as a Fergie song. As you attempt to kidnap my daughter no less.
*Bruno begins opening the window and sitting his butt on the edge*
Bruno: Attempt? Okay, Glamorous Life.
*Bruno grabs the ladder and leans out of the window as the helicopter lifts into the air. Blue clenches to Bruno’s chest as the WB operatives pull the ladder up to the helicopter.
Bruno: Hey, you relax, okay? You’re gonna see mommy real soon. First, we’re going to an amusement park!
Bruno: Yup, let’s just get up to our chariot.
*The ladder reaches the helicopter and the operatives begin helping him and Blue into the flying vehicle*
Bruno: Woo, smooth, huh? In a Tom Ford suit, no le– Holy fucki–
*Beyoncé sits in the helicopter next to a dead WB operative with her katana across her legs. One of the men that helped Bruno Mars reaches for his gun only to be shoved out by Beyoncé*
*Beyoncé pulls Blue behind her and stabs the other agent through the throat with her katana*
*Bruno tries to scramble past, but Beyoncé pulls him by the back of her husband’s pants*
Bey: Someone’s had too many cookies.
*Beyoncé grabs him by the back of the Tom Ford blazer and throws him from the helicopter*
Bey: Are you okay, baby?
Blue: I didn’t see Bruno Mars eat any cookies.
Bey: That’s because he ate them at the house.
Blue: Ohhhhh okay
*Beyoncé takes Blue’s hand and goes to the cockpit*
Helicopter pilot: Oh my shit
Bey: If you land this plane at the coordinates I give, you will have lifetime tickets to my performances.
Pilot: Oh my g-
Bey: Not just shows. Performances.
Pilot: Yes, goddess.
*The helicopter turns 104 degrees and leans forward*
*Meanwhile, at the Carter mansion, Jay Z finally gets to Blue’s roomn*
TO BE CONTINUED