The Lemons Part 17

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Kanye: I really wish she wouldn’t have tied us like this.

 

*Kanye, Wiz, Kylie and Kendall are tied human centipede style with their hands to their chests. Kanye is at the front, Wiz behind with his head underneath Kanye’s crotch and then Kylie and Kendall in the same manner*

 

Wiz: You should’ve been took her gun, dickweed.

Kanye: Well, if you would’ve been attacking her instead of me, we would’ve been straight

Kendall: Kanye.

Kanye: Yes, Kendall?

Kendall: Were you really going to give Prince up?

Kanye: Yes.

Kendall: But, why?

Kanye: Um, unrestricted creative use of Prince’s music, maybe? For someone as musically exalted and powerfully famous as I am, it would be like Tetsuo releasing Akira.

Kylie: I want to get ooooouuuutttt

Wiz: Y’all could’ve fought back when she made us get like this.

Kanye: I tried to get her gun once and I couldnt take any chances. I have kids.

Wiz: I have a kid, too, fool

Kanye: Then why didn’t you do it!?

Wiz: I started zoning out and thinking about what a Martin reunion season would be like. Like, would Metro Boomin do the intro theme? Hahaha

Kanye: You damn pot addict

Kendall: Kylie, I have to fart and I’m really sorry.

Kylie: Oh my god! I’m going to kill that old lady

Kanye: Wait, look, there’s a car coming

Wiz: What if it’s TMZ?

Kanye: I’ll tell them we were filming a performance piece for my next video or something. I don’t know. Everyone already thinks I’m really weird.

Kendall: I don’t think you’re weird

Kanye: Thank you, Kendall.

Kylie: Did you even fart? I don’t smell anything.

Kendall: I did. All I’ve eaten this week is one half of a cheeseburger, water and a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch, if that matters.

Wiz: Kendall, wow, dude. Are you okay?

 

*A black SUV pulls up and rolls the passenger window down. Ryan Reynolds eyes pop open when he sees who his GPS led him too.*

 

Ryan: Holy shit, is this real?

Wiz: Is that Deadpool?

Ryan: I’m also known as “the white guy from Blade 3 that’s not Triple H” and “the guy that plays Mr. Right Now in romantic comedies”

Ryan: But, yes, I was Deadpool, too.

Ryan: So. . . Shibari gone wrong, I see.

Kanye: Why are you driving an Uber?

Ryan: All of the hot white actors are doing it and I’m hoping I can pick up Hugh Jackman and offer him various services to play wolverine for me.

Ryan: in my face.

Kendall: Okay, great. Can you untie us?

Ryan: You’re actually supposed to have safety scissors in this situation and guess who does? Exactly. Be right out.

 

*Ryan Reynolds gets out of the SUV, opens the trunk and rummages through a bag. He suddenly closes the trunk, runs over and begins cutting everyone out*

 

Kanye: Where were you supposed to take us?

Ryan: Uhhh, your wife’s house? You said don’t ask questions, so I was like “shit, it’s Kanye, I have hella questions”

Kanye: It wasn’t me.

Ryan: Clearly. So—question–why are you tied like this?

Kanye: We were shooting a video and some things went wrong. . .

Ryan: Turns out the camera crew you hired were actually Brazilian refugees who stole the equipment and several lamps to fund a road trip to New York? Been there.

Kanye: Hokay

Kylie: So what do we do now?

Wiz: I just called my Uber. I have a mission, shit.

Ryan: Soooo no Kim’s house?

Kanye: No, we’re going to Beyoncé’s house.

Ryan: Doesn’t she hate your guts?

Kanye: Nope

Ryan: I overheard her saying “That N-word Kanye gave my daughter a stuffed college dropout bear, I kicked that shit out the window” once.

Kanye: You sure it was her?

Ryan: I’ve memorized everything I’ve ever overheard that was said by Beyoncé, Jack Nicholson and Gary Busey.

Kanye: Whatever, we have to see her immediately. Chop chop, Ryan.

Ryan: I’m sorry, did white slavery start already? I thought I had about 9 years, maybe…

 

*A yellow Subaru impreza pulls up and Zach Galifianakis hangs out the window.*

 

Zach: Hey, guys? What’s soup?

Ryan: You’re driving Uber, too?

Zach: Its really the best job ever. I can fart whenever I want.

Zach: I’m here to pick up Cameron? Is there a Cameron?

Wiz: That’s me, bro

Zach: Wait, so your real name isn’t Wiz? Is that why you don’t get my Christmas cards?

Wiz: Yeeeeaaahh.

Wiz: This is gonna be a long ride.

 

*Wiz gets in the backseat of the Subaru*

 

Zach: You can get in the fr-

Wiz: No.

Zach:

Zach: Hm.

Zach: Black lives matter

Wiz: I will pay you to not talk anymore

Zach: Okay

 

*Zach Galifianakis pulls off as he begins yodeling*

 

Ryan: Love that guy. He’s like human pepperjack cheese.

Ryan: Now, shall we go to Beyoncé’s house. If I boot up Go, I’m sure she’ll have a mewtwo or some shit on her property.

 

*Meanwhile, at Octavia’s house, Ava, Octavia, Viola and Lil Mama sit in the anti-ghost room with wine glasses in hand. The ladies are in a circle as if they were playing Duck, Duck, Goose. Kirk Franklin, possessed by the Spirit of Bernie Mac, sits on all fours in the circle, like a horse at rest, and drinks whiskey out of a large bowl. Like a thirsty horse.*

 

Octavia: So why are you haunting my house?

Bernie: Because y’all brought me here witcha weird black woman magic and wouldn’t let me go.

Octavia: I didn’t tell you to stay! Go to another house!

Bernie: I don’t know how, dammit! I barely know how to control this body.

Bernie: It’s not like in the movies, aw, nah, you don’t just jump in and it’s like a body.

Bernie: It’s like using two video game controllers at the same time. I press the arm button, the leg move. I try to turn around, I lactate.

Bernie: I want out, goddammit. Shoot.

Ava: Nigga, what’s being dead like?

Bernie: Well, I can’t speak for all the dead folk, buts it’s aight. Can’t complain too much. Eartha Kitt is literally trying to fuck everybody.

Viola: Are you serious?

Bernie: As high blood pressure. She got her body from the 60s back and just been running game on everybody. I leave when she come in. I’m man enough to admit when I’m not man enough, shooooot.

Lil Mama: Have you seen Prince?

Ava: *chokes*

Bernie: Prince? Ain’t no damn Prince up there. Must be one of them twitter hoaxeses.

Octavia: But he died. It’s all over the news.

Bernie: We don’t have your news up there. It’s like an alternate dimension or something.

Ava: What

Bernie: Yeah, all the celebrities have normal people jobs now. Everybody works for a living. It’s ass-backwards I tell ya.

Bernie: Ronald Reagan is a police chief.

Octavia: This is amazing. We have to record this.

Ava: Now you wanna record shit.

Viola: Do you know what people would do with this kind of knowledge? We should keep this to ourselves.

Bernie: Yeah, you don’t want these white people to find out and start running tests on us and having literal witch hunts, now.

Octavia: But how did we even summon you?

Bernie: Look, all I know is I was playing high stakes uno with Stuart Scott, Gerald Levert and Richard Pryor and next thing you know I’m getting 45 different views of y’all butt naked, covered in blood and dancing with dead cats on your heads.

Bernie: I was basically a living surveillance camera. Well, unliving. Undead? I don’t know, but I done seen some shit the  past couple weeks.

Octavia: ohmygod

Bernie: Don’t worry, boo, my mouth is shut.

*Kirk Frankin’s ears wiggle*

Bernie: Shit, I mean to wink.

Bernie: Anyway, y’all brought Kirk Franklin over, did this weird stuff in the living room and then the air got all thick and I saw a little wormhole so I dove in it and got stuck.

Ava: Just like a man

Bernie: Shaddup. You must be one of them old feminist broads. I could tell because you got dreadlocks but you smell like a clean tree.

Octavia: Okay, so basically WE have to find a way to get you out of his body?

Bernie: I’m locked in like a dog when it’s fucking, babe.

Ava: I’ll start googling shit!

Octavia: I’ll check my books!

Ava & Octavia: Winchester girls!

Lil Mama: Lol.

Viola: And I’ll keep drinking.

Viola: So, you said the celebrities are normal people?

Bernie: Yup. Rodney Dangerfield is my landlord and the boy from the Steve Harvey show live across the hall from me.

Viola: Wow.

Bernie: It’s real weird. It’s like everyone’s living their “what if” lives, ya know?

Viola: And what do you do?

Bernie: Sell weed.

Bernie: Legally. I own 6 stores. Guess what it’s called?

Viola: Bernie’s?

Bernie: Burnie’s! Ya damn right.

 

Lil Mama: He said Prince wasn’t there. I’m starting to wonder if this is real.

Ava: A nigga just floated out of the dining room and talked in Bernie Mac’s voice with his head upside down, but you wonder if it’s not real.

Ava: Okay

Lil Mama: No, really; That seems fishy.

Ava: You thinking too much. We got real problems at hand and you worried about Prince not being in the afterlife. Maybe he went to the Jehovah’s Witness panda paradise.

Lil Mama: Maybe.

Ava: Boy, you’re weirder than I thought you would be.

Lil Mama: And you’re more ratchet than I thought you’d be.

Ava: Touché, Bow Wow face

 

*Octavia studies her MacBook monitor intently*

 

Octavia: I think I found something. There are scans of old voodoo books on this site that talk about people floating through the air when possessed.

Ava: Is there anything about unpossessing niggas?

Octavia: Ummmmmmmmmmm

Octavia: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Octavia: Ummmmmmmmmmm

Octavia: Y-

Ava: Really

Octavia: I was saying “Yes”. Shit.

Octavia: Um, we have to carve this incantation into Kirk Franklin’s body.

Ava: This bout long as shit. Do you have an x-acto knife?

Octavia: *sigh* Yes.

Lil Mama: Is he going to feel it?

Octavia: Whoo! Shit, girl, I forgot you were here.

Octavia: I mean, there’s only one way to find out. Let’s tell Bernie.

 

Viola: what do you mean?

Bernie: Well, I felt myself pass on and I was “born” in a bizarre building. Like, I woke up in a room with some old mulatto-looking bald man who told me “we know who you are, but do you?” and let me out into a lobby. Some friends heard I just came to this purgatory, or whatever it is, and helped me get on my feet.

Viola: Wow. So it’s not heaven?

Bernie: Not at all. Everybody still cussing and having premarital sex, so it can’t be the heaven from the good book.

Viola: Hmm

Ava: Okay, so we may have found a solution to your problem.

Bernie: Hot damn! So, what, you gotta pour holy water on me or something?

Octavia: . . .  Noooooo. See. . .

 

*Octavia slowly raises an x-acto knife*

 

Octavia: I have to dip this into this solution and carve some words on your chest.

Bernie: . . . Okay. Anything to get me out of Kirk Franklin’s body. This nigga is short as shit.

 

*Ava and Viola help get Kirk Franklin’s shirt over his head. Bernie Mac then lays down on the ground and prepares to be liberated from his his fleshy prison cell*

 

Octavia: Okay, here goes nothing.

 

*Octavia begins carving the first letter of the first word on Kirk Franklin’s left pectoral and sees the wound start to smoke*

 

Bernie: WOOOOOOOOOW THAT HURTS LIKE A MUTHAFUCKA, DAMMIT

Octavia: Hold him down please!

Bernie: Why does it hurt!?

 

*Ava and Lil Mama try to hold his arms down as he struggles*

 

Bernie: Wait, come on, now! I think I changed my mind! My weed business not doing that good anyway, I’m behind on dead people rent–

Octavia: No, you gotta go, Bernie! This is my house and you’ve seen too much!

Bernie: I done seen so much BBW porn, I might as well had been looking at nuffin! Come on, girl. Look, how many words you gotta write? Maybe being Kirk Franklin ain’t so ba–

 

*Octavia begins to carve the second letter of the first word when Bernie Mac suddenly slides away from the grasp of Ava and Lil Mama and stands upright*

 

Bernie: Now, I gotta bid you ladies adieu, because this cutting me up shit ain’t working for me.

Octavia: No, you come back this instant! You can’t escape, anyway;. The door is ghost-proof.

Bernie: The door, huh?

Ava: Hoe, don’t do —

 

*Bernie MacFranklin suddenly runs and dives out of the window*

 

Viola: Shit!

Octavia: Oh my god!

 

*The ladies run over to the window and see Bernie MacFranklin running down the street shirtless*

 

Ava: . . . How you not gonna ghost-proof the windows, though?

 

TO BE CONTINUED

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4 thoughts on “The Lemons Part 17

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