The Lemons Part 16

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*BeckywithTheGrayHair drives a black dodge Challenger down the road as she speaks to a mysterious voice on speaker phone*

 

Mystery Nigga: You’re on the way to Beyoncé?

BeckyGray: Yes.

Mystery Nigga: Where is Kanye and his co-celebrities?

BeckyGray: I tied them together and called an Uber on Kylie’s phone. It’s taking them to Kim Kardashian’s house.

Mystery Nigga: Why?

BeckyGray: I thought it would be funny.

Mystery Nigga: But they know about Prince.

BeckyGray: And what is Kim Kartrashian gonna do? Show them her ass?

Mystery Nigga: I question Beyoncé’s reasons for bringing you into her fold.

BeckyGray: Because I get shit down.

Mystery Nigga: Done.

BeckyGray: Whatever.

Mystery Nigga: Do you think Beyoncé has any idea of our true motive?

BeckyGray: Of course not. She still thinks everyone is after Prince.

Mystery Nigga: Prince is only a chess piece.

BeckyGray: Okay, great, now can I drive please? There’s a goddamn camera crew moving equipment in the damn road.

Mystery Nigga: Update me on any major events

BeckyGray: Yeah, okay.

 

*BeckyGray hangs up the phone and waits as some guys take a camera and some lighting fixtures across the street*

 

*Meanwhile, at Aretha Franklin’s house, Aretha and Patti are involved in an intense game of connect four. Taraji and Lauryn Hill peruse instagram on their phones as Solange watches semi-interestedly*

 

Solo: Y’all keep getting all the way to the top, I don’t understand

Patti: She a persistent old tramp.

Aretha: You not so bad yourself, Patti LaBell-shaped.

 

*After Patti drops one last piece, they reach their 35th deadlock*

 

Camera guy: Miss LaBelle, we’ve received the new equipment and are ready to film.

Aretha: You not filming shit in my house, yakub. I didn’t give permission.

Patti: Look, if we do this, I’ll give you a nice-sized cut.

Aretha: What are we talking? You try to undersell me, I’ma give you a nice-sized cut.

Patti: Look, heffer queen.

 

*Patti reaches in her purse and pulls out a notepad with a pen through the top. She writes something on the notepad, sticks the pen back through the loops and throws the notepad at Aretha.*

 

*Aretha catches the notepad with both hands and reads the first page*

 

Aretha: Mm-hm. Okay. I want it in cash and I want a contract with a lawyer present.

Patti: I don’t need all that when I can just give you the cash.

 

*Patti reaches in her purse and pulls out a thick ass envelope and hands it across the table to Aretha*

 

*Aretha peeks in the envelope and fingers through some of the bills. She slides a hundred out of one stack and looks at the light bulb of her lamp through it.*

 

Aretha: Real enough. I still feel like this a trap.

Patti: Look, Beyoncé’s sister is right; Its a lot more lucrative for us to look like we made up.

Aretha: “Look” like we made up? So we’re not really making up?

Patti: Oh, no. It’s not like we gotta hang out in public and prove we friends. Just say “I forgive you” on camera and make this bread.

Aretha: I can respect that.

 

*Aretha lifts the envelope and Juventud takes it and heads to the second floor*

 

Aretha: So how phony do I have to be?

Patti: Just follow my lead.

 

Solo: And what do we do?

 

Patti: I forgot y’all were here. I’m not paying any of you, so y’all can leave if you want.

Lauryn: After you two pulled a gun on each other? I think not.

Solo: We’re staying

Taraji: Yeah, blur my face or ima seek litigation

Patti: Fine, go stand in the corner or something, then.

Patti: Alright, now, Aretha, I’m gonna knock on the door and you’re gonna waddle up and open it.

Aretha: Don’t test my patience, pie witch

Patti: You’ll have a look of surprise like “wha, am I worthy of this” and you’ll invite me in so we may converse like the goddess I am.

Aretha: Mm-hm. Juventud can you get us some drinks? The Drink of the Day, please?

Juventud: I. . . yes, ma’am.

Patti: Alright, me and the boys gonna go outside and when you hear the knock, we’ll be filming already.

Aretha: Great.

 

*Patti and her camera crew go outside as Aretha shakes her head*

 

Solo: What’s the drink of the day? It sounds interesting.

Aretha: Rattlesnake venom.

Solo: What?

Aretha: I’m joking, baby. It’s cranberry whiskey gingers 🙂

Taraji: Well, Patti is paying you to kinda make up with her, so that’s a victory, at least. How much did she pay you?

Aretha: 2 billion mind your damn businesses

Aretha: Mind ya business

 

*Solo, Taraji, and Lauryn go into the kitchen and begin surveying Aretha’s fridge*

 

*Patti  knocks on the front door of Aretha’s house and Juventud answers*

 

Juventud: Yes, hello. Welcome to the 3rd home of Aretha Franklin, Queen of Rock and Roll, Blues and Soul

Patti: Ha! Whatever!

 

*Patti pushes past Juventud and walks into the house*

 

Patti: Aretha! Where you at, girl!

Aretha: Right in here.

 

*Patti walks into the living room and sees Aretha on the floor watching Game of Thrones and stroking a half-grown tiger*

 

Aretha: Hello, Patti. If I had known you were coming, I wouldn’t have fed Mandingo.

 

*Patti turns towards the camera and laughs nervously*

 

Patti: hahahaha Aretha always got jokes.

Patti: So, Aretha, I came to

 

*Mandingo the tiger yawns, fully opening his jaws for a good stretch*

 

Patti: I came to speak to you woman to woman.

Aretha: Well we can always do that unless you got a sex change.

Patti: I was thinking about the legacy that I wanted to leave behind and one of the things I wanted to change was my relationship with you.

Patti: I dont want the people that look up to us to see us being enemies. It’s time we thought about people besides ourselves.

Patti: I’m here to squash our beef, Aretha.

Aretha: I never had a beef with you. You had the beef with me.

Patti: Let’s agree to disagree.

Aretha: I disagree with agreeing to disagree

Patti: You agreed to other things *nervous chuckle*

Aretha: Indeed

 

*Juventud walks in with two whiskey tumblers of cranberry whiskey gingers and places them in front of their respective drinkers*

 

Patti: Thank you. I was feeling quite parched.

Aretha: Like yo coochie

Patti: Beg pardon?

Aretha: Of course! it is no problem, Patti.

 

*Aretha takes a sip of her drink*

 

Aretha: I share your sentiments, girl; This world is bigger than the two of us and once we pass on, we need to have left a great example for the younger generation of black women.

Patti: Exactly. That is why I wanted to be the bigger person and

 

*Patti sips her drinks*

 

Patti: Come talk to you directly. It’s no reason blogs and tweeterers should be pitting us against each oth-cough cough

Patti: When it’s–cough–black people out here dying cough

Patti: COUGH COUGH HACK

 

*Solo, Taraji and Lauryn run into the room to see Patti holding her neck and coughing uncontrollably*

*Patti looks at Aretha to see her smiling slyly*

 

Patti: SHE POIS-COUGHCOUGH BITCH POISONED ME HUUUGH COUGH COUGH

 

Solo: FUCK!

Solo: ARETHA!

Aretha: hahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

*Elsewhere, a black Dodge Neon pulls up to the Carter Mansion. Jay Z gets out of the passenger side as Slaybell gets out behind him. Slaybell slowly walks backwards towards the house as she points her Desert Eagle at Jay. Leonardo Dicaprio gets out of the driver seat of the Neon.*

 

Slaybell: What are you doing?

Leo: I’m sticking with Jiggaman, if you don’t mind. He’s supposed to do something mad important for me.

 

*Ben Affleck peaks his head out of the backseat window*

 

Ben: Hey, uh, can I come, too, if it pleases the lady?

Slaybell:

Ben: Amazon. . .  goddess body. . .

Slaybell: Okay, Ben Affleck.

 

*Ben opens the backseat door and falls onto the ground. He stands up immediately.*

 

Ben: So it’s lit, then! *dabs*

Leo: Dude, no. Not anymore.

Slaybell: Walk, Sean. You too, whites.

 

* Slaybell sprays herself and the three men with a mysterious pheromone concoction and then walks through the gate and down the walkway to the house. Several komodo dragons crawl across the walkway, but ignore the humans walking around them. Naomi420 opens the door before they reach it.*

 

Naomi420: Yooooo, our Queen, the Living Honeyfall, is pissed right off. You fucked up, bro.

Jay:

Ben: Who’s this cutie pi–

Naomi420: Holy shit! You’re batman, now!

Ben: I tend to go by Bruce Wayne.

Naomi420: omg

Slaybell: Go in the damn house.

 

*Naomi420, Jay Z, Ben, Leo and Slaybell walk into the foyer and head directly through the kitchen to the patio. Beyoncé sits impatiently in a custom chair made of Ronald Reagan’s bones.*

 

Bey: Why are these imbeciles in my house.

Leo: I have so–

Slaybell: She was not speaking to you, Oscar beggar

Leo: lmao what

Slaybell: The one from Romeo & Juliette says that your husband is to assist him with something of great importance.

Bey: What could my husband possibly do for you that requires you be in my house.

Leo: You know, guy stuff

Bey: What encompasses “guy stuff”? Watching porn together and eating hot dogs?

Ben: lol that sounds pretty tight

Bey: Of course it does

Bey: Let me reword my question: Husband, what could you possibly do for him that requires him being in my house?

Jay: Its, like, confidential business stuff.

Bey: He wants your help in getting people to stop thinking he tried to fuck Caitlyn Jenner

Leo: Mahatma Ghandi!

Jay: Yeeeaaah

Ben: This is awkward.

Bey: I can take care of that for you, Leonardo.

Leo: Really? I mean, of course you can. You’re you hahaha.

Bey: You have to do me a favor, though.

Jay: Ahh, shit.

Leo: What it is, then, Queen Bee’s Knees?

Bey: When you have your little coke parties, I want you to spread that you know the truth about “Lemonade”. Tell people that Sean fucked Rihanna and it almost cost hi–.

Leo: Done.

Bey: What.

Jay: No.

Leo: Most of the people in our “don’t need IDs” circle knew. The dudes at least. You know you can’t tell women–

 

*Jay nudges Leo so hard that Leo almost topples over*

 

Bey: So Don Cheadle and Derek Jeter know my husband fucked her.

Leo: Yyy-

Jay: God damn it

Leo: -yyyyeeeessss

Bey: I want everyone with a penis outside of my house. Especially you.

 

*Beyoncé pokes her finger into Jay’s bottom lip*

 

Bey: I’m going to turn around and finish this drink and when I turn back around, I’m biting every man I see.

 

*Ben and Leo cautiously jog away, but Jay walks backwards slowly. He looks at Beyoncé’s back longingly, admiring “her” hair. Jay considers the pain he caused and thinks about how his fa-*

 

*Beyoncé turns around and charges towards Jay like a two-legged leopard, tackling him to the ground*

 

Jay: Are you seriously going to bite me?

 

Bey:

 

*Beyoncé bites Jay Z’s shoulder with the ferocity of a rabid lynx*

 

Jay: Ow! OWWWW!

Bey: I can’t bluff after I say shit like that, baby

 

*Slaybell runs over and kneels next to Beyoncé and Jay Z*

 

Slaybell: My queen, I have made a grave error and I hope that you can forgive me.

Bey: What is it?

Slaybell: I just checked the basement’s west bathroom and Bruno Mars is gone.

 

NEXT TIME ON THE LEMONS

 

Bernie Mac: Okay, do another one

*Ava takes a picture of Kirk Franklin’s awkward corpse sitting in a chair, neck hanging like a newborn*

Ava: This is the dog filter. Niggas call it the hoe filter because they hate when women have fun without a dick present.

Ava: If you stick your tongue out, it make a cartoon dog tongue.

Bernie Mac: Let me see

 

*Kirk Franklin blows snot out of his right nostril*

 

Bernie Mac: This possession shit not as easy as they made it look in the movies, I’ll tell you that right now.

 

OKAY BYE