*Taylor Swift, Mama T and Prince walk through the foyer of Taylor’s home*
Taylor: Welcome to “Castle Swift” *giggle*
Mama T: Aren’t you like 30?
Taylor: I couldn’t believe it when Beyoncé called! She’s never called me before. Like ever. I call her like a hundred times.
Mama T: That’s adorable.
Taylor: Lol thank you.
Prince: So what part of the house could I stay in that would be the farthest from you and whoever spends time with you?
Taylor: You can stay in my room near the Fairy Grotto. There aren’t actual fairies yet, but it’s really pretty.
Prince: . . . Fantastic. Grace Jones had a fairy grotto, but she actually made it for me, personally.
Taylor: I told you that you could come stay with me but you were all “no, little girl” and being all shady.
*They walk into the living room to see Lianne LaHavas and Lorde drinking tea. The furniture is like some shit out of a Kiera Knightley period drama*
*Prince pulls Mama T closer to him*
Prince: That Lianne La Havas girl is signed to Warner Bros. This situation is fishy like Madonna’s laundry.
Mama T: Kris, you need to relax.
Prince: However, she has the legs of a goddess. . .
Mama T: Okay, don’t relax that much.
*Prince bites his bottom lip to stop it from quivering as he gazes at Lianne from the darkness of his Gucci shades*
Lianne: Hello, Mrs. Lawson and Ms. Jenner.
Lorde: Good afternoon
Kris: Hello. Is that tea?
Lianne: Yes, it is. Are you okay?
Kris: I am fine. Why do you ask, darling?
Lianne: I’m sorry, of course you’d sound different from the way you do on television. You also look younger.
Kris: Ooh, thank you. Teehee.
Mama T: Oh, Taylor can I talk to you in the kitchen about very important Beyoncé business.
Taylor: Yes, of course.
*Kris Jenner gets up to join them*
Mama T: No, you can stay
Kris: Tuh huh huh what now?
Mama T: Its not your business.
Kris: *whispering aggressively* And what do I say to these women? I don’t know jack about no Kris Jenner.
Mama T: *whispering more aggressively* Then improvise.
*Kris turns around towards the girls, walks over to a chair and sits down*
Kris:. . . So. . . I’m Kris Jenner.
Lorde: I thought you were going back to Kardashian?
Kris: Rob? No, he died, sweetheart.
*Mama T and Taylor walk to the kitchen*
Mama T: Okay, can I leave
Taylor: Really? We’re about to eat Chipotle and watch Finding Dory.
Mama T: Yeah, no; I have grown up stuff to do. So, he said that girl is from Warner Bros? Lianne Lava?
Taylor: Lianne? Oh, she’s fine. She just joined my squad.
Mama T: Your wot?
Taylor: My squad. Those are my peoples. My gang gang gang.
Mama T: okay
Mama T: Well, if anything happens to him, Beyoncé is going to come down on you like Ian Connor on an art hoe.
Taylor: Those women were victims; please don’t joke about them like that.
Mama T: That’s what people gonna say about you if you lose him.
Taylor: Oh, I got this, Ms. Tina. You ain’t gotta trip on nuffin.
Mama T: Um
Mama T: Just so you know, He is very disobedient and finicky. He will bring black women on to your property if they aren’t already there.
Taylor: You didn’t think I would have a problem with that would you? I am a lover and supporter of all women everywhere.
Mama T: Good for you.
Mama T: You’ll have to put your foot down and keep him in his quarters. He’ll do his best to take over your house and act like he’s not supposed to be dead.
Mama T: He can’t keep pretending to be Kris Jenner.
Taylor: We’ll just play dress up lol
Mama T: Goodbye
Taylor: Oh, let me walk you out!
*Taylor and Mama T walk out of the kitchen to see KrisPrince laughing with Lianne’s legs on herhis lap*
Kris: This is something OJ showed me before he was so wrongfully convicted of killing that poor woman.
Kris: When he played for the Buffalo Bills, the trainer would rub his leg like this to prevent cramps.
Lianne: Wow, this is nice. Your husband let him show you how to do this?
Kris: Not with permission kekekekekeke
Lorde: Can you do me next? My legs have been killi–
Kris: Ew, no
Mama T: What the hell, Kris?
Taylor: I didn’t know it was massage time! I’ll do you, Lani.
*Taylor walks over to Lorde and begins massaging her right leg*
Mama T: Can I talk to you real quick, Kris?
*Kris gently lays Lianne’s leg on the carpeted floor and trots over to Mama T*
Mama T: *whispers aggressively* What are you doing, nigga?
Kris: *whispers passive aggressively* I’m improvising
Mama T: You gonna improvise your way into a trap.
Kris: You think I can’t avoid traps? You don’t know what I went through as the Artist formerly known as Prince. They sent Jasmine Guy to my birthday party to poison me!
Mama T: Fine. What you eat dont make me shit. One of Beyoncé’s bees or whatever gonna come with your shit later.
Kris: So I have to stay dressed like this all day?
Mama T: The way you acting with Lianna, I doubt you’ll stay dressed long.
Mama T: Have fun with Princess Paleface and her squadron.
Mama T: Hey, Taylor, I’m leaving. Kris is gonna get an Uber!
Mama T: Don’t fuck this up, Prince.
*Mama T leaves out of the door*
*meanwhile, at Octavia Spencer’s house, Octavia, Ava, Viola, Lil Mama and Kirk Franklin sit clockwise around a perfectly circular table in the dining room.*
Kirk: Now, first, we must pray.
Ava: But we just prayed before we came down the steps.
Kirk: When dealing with the supernatural, prayer can never be underutilized.
Viola: I never viewed you as one that believed in ghosts.
Kirk: That may be because you only viewed me from one angle, Ms. Davis. What is a ghost if not a spirit? A soul that became lost on its way home?
Viola: A series of electromagnetic anomalies and happenstance occurrences.
Kirk: Hahaha, indeed, Ms. Davis.
Octavia: Bitch, you summoned a ghost in my home then you gonna be skeptical with the damn pastor!
Kirk: Ladies, ladies, let us hold hands.
*Everyone in the living room grabs the hand of the person next to them*
Kirk: Our father–
*Takes her hand out of Octavia’s hand*
Ava: I gotta. . . take my wedgie ooouuuut. There.
Octavia: Don’t fucking touch me, Ava
*Ava places her hand on Octavia’s leg as Octavia gives her a death stare*
Ava: I’m ready, Reverend Plies.
Kirk: . . . Thank you. Our fa-
Ava: I ran off on my vows twice.
Viola: Ava, seriously.
Ava: Okay, serious, now. Jesus, Amen, shamalahshamalenyah.
Kirk: Our father, we come to you with heavy hearts, oh, Lord. A spirit cannot find his way home, Jesus, and that spirit needs your guidance, dear Lord. This spirit has darkened the house of this woman, oh, Lord. Bring your light forth and send away the dark, Lord. Draw forth the light of the spirit so that he may walk home with you, dear God. Amen.
Lil Mama: Amen
Kirk: Spirit, I know you are here. You have been terrorizing Ms. Spencer for too long. If you hear me, give us a sign. Move something. Turn on a light. We are willing to cooperate with you.
*Everyone sits silently*
*for something to hap-*
Ava: Maybe it’s scared of men.
Octavia: Maybe it’s scared of motormouth hoes that bring acid tabs to your house.
Kirk: Spirit, we know that you are here. These women have experienced your haunting and want no more of it. You must le-
*a picture flies off of the table near the entrance to the kitchen*
Kirk: Spirit, we want to speak with you.
*the lights in the dining room slowly begin to dim*
Viola: Is it doing this on purpose or is this just, like, part of ghost summoning stuff?
Kirk: I’m no expert on the paranormal Ms. Davis. I simply strive to do God’s work.
Viola: So you–
*The kitchen sink turns on at a water pressure so high that the faucet vibrates*
Viola: So you don’t know what the hell you’re doing, basically?
Kirk: I only know the heaven that I long for, Ms. Davis.
*the dining room lights flash on and off at the pace of a heartbeat*
Ava: SHOULDN’T YOU BE TALKING TO THE GHOST, MY NIGGA
Kirk: Spirit! Leave this woman’s electric and water bills out of this and come forth!
*the dining room lights cut out and the water in the kitchen stops running*
Octavia: ohhhh boy
Ava: This is that bullshit
Kirk: Ladies, everything is under control. God created all and he knows how to deal with spirits.
Octavia: I understand that, Reverend Franklin, but God isn’t th-
Kirk: Choir director.
Kirk: I’m not an ordained minister.
Ava: HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU THOUGHT HE WAS A PASTOR
Octavia: Y’all called him pastor!
Viola: That was sarcasm.
Octavia: Why did you let me pay you, you butthole!?
Kirk: First off, I’m famous, you have to pay me to be anywhere
Octavia: You motherfu–
Kirk: Second, as a most exalted child of God, I shall do his bidding when ever I am called.
Kirk: When a friend is being haunted by an apparition, I should at least attempt to compel it with the power of Christ.
Octavia: More like the power of scamming
Lil Mama: I wish the lights were on, at least. This is creepy.
Ava: Yeah, I can’t be in the dark for this long with people and we not doing coochie stuff
Octavia: I want all of you to get out. Get out of m–
*The dining room light suddenly turns on*
Octavia: See, the ghost wants you out, too.
Octavia: Right now, the ghost is the only person I like that’s in my house and–
Lil Mama: I didn’t even do nuffin!
Octavia: You weren’t even invited!
Octavia: Do you bitches think I’m soft? Do y’all take my kindness for a weakness? Y’all just come in my house and feel entitled to act however y’all want! Get o–
*Kirk Franklin’s eyes suddenly roll back. He begins shaking violently in his chair.*
*Ava pulls out her cellphone and starts recording*
Viola: Put that away!
Ava: Nope. This footage gonna be worth too much, mama.
* Kirk Franklin suddenly begins to levitate, rotating in the air as if he was rolling in a ball*
Lil Mama: Oh, fuck this!
*Lil Mama gets up from her chair and runs towards the living room, but the couch turns into her path. She attempts to jump over it, but sort of fails as her left knee hits the top of the couch*
*Ava backs into the kitchen still filming*
* Octavia and Viola run for the living room and hurdle over the couch, helping Lil Mama up*
Octavia: We have to go back to my room! It’ll be safe with all of the ghost protection shit!
Lil Mama: What about Ava?
Octavia: Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, fuck that bitch
*Ava suddenly runs past them and up the steps*
*Octavia looks back to see the rotating body of Kirk Franklin slowly spinning toward them. Octavia, Viola and Lil Mama scream simultaneously and then run up the stairs to her apparition proof bedroom*
Ava: Y’all slow as shit.
*Ava closes the door as all of the ladies dive into the room*
Ava: So you sure all this shit gonna keep us safe? We coulda just ran out the damn house, for real.
Octavia: It can’t have my house, Ava.
Ava: If I miss the Queen Sugar premiere, I swear to God, yo
*They suddenly hear Kirk Franklin’s limbs slowly grinding against the walls as his body floats up the steps*
*Octavia pulls a guitar case from under her bed, opens it and pulls out a shotgun*
Ava: Wow. Does it have rocksalt in it?
Ava: Like on Supernatural.
Viola: I don’t know what that is.
Lil Mama: Wow.
Octavia: You are so lame.
Viola: I’m lame because I don’t watch a show about shooting people with rock salt? That’s very juvenile.
Ava: That show is fucking flames. I actually found out me and Octavia were friends on a supernatural forum before I even met her ass.
Ava: I thought she was white.
*They suddenly hear Kirk Franklin’s body rubbing against the door. After a half a minute, they hear him drop to the floor*
???: Let me in. I ain’t tryna hurt you dumb broads.
Ava: Hey. Hey.
Ava: What the fuck?
??? : “What the fuck” hell. Y’all summoned me and shit and now I’m here.
*Octavia looks at Viola who looks at Lil Mama who looks at Ava who looks at her phone*
Ava: I’m not opening that shit, don’t look at me. You see the video of the dude that went through the drive-thru as a robot?
Octavia: I’ll do it.
Lil Mama: What if it’s a trick?
Octavia: Ima kill his dumb ass.
Viola: Don’t be rash. That’s still Kirk Franklin.
Octavia: Who you thought I was talking about?
*Octavia slowly walks towards the door and grabs the handle. Octavia takes a deep breath.*
Octavia: Be like Xena.
*Octavia flings the door open, steps back and points her shogun. In front of her is Kirk Franklin’s body bent over backwards with his head right-side up, looking up at Octavia*
???: Look, don’t shoot me, now. I know this shit weird; I’m weirded out, too. I’m like a little mouse that got lost. I’m just tryna find my mama teets. Squeak squeak. Squeak.
Octavia:. . . That voice. . .
???: Yes, I’m Bernie damn Mac, now can we get some stuff figured out?
Bernie Mac: And can I get a big bowl of whiskey, please?
TO BE CONTINUED