Patti: I know y’all was talking mess about me. Y’all can say it to my face now.
Taraji: Hahahaha you tripping, Patti.
Patti: I ain’t tripping over shit; my balance is fine. So why else would you little scalliwags be over here?
Solo: I’m really glad you came, Ms. LaBelle.
Solo: I was just telling Aretha that you two need to squash your beef and maybe even collaborate.
Patti: I was actually here for one of those things. The other thing I was saving for when she died. . .
Solo: You should collaborate now. We just lost Prince and–
Patti: Don’t you throw Prince in my face. I don’t live like that boy. If he wanna roll on pills till he die, that’s his thing, but I don’t see him making up with nobody because he old.
Solo: Think of the young women that your bond could influence. To see you and Aretha do a duet would be iconic and important for my generation and every generation afterwards.
Patti: Aw, you make it sound so pretty. It’s a shame people care more about your sister’s words than yours.
Taraji: So, are you shooting a reality show?
Patti: Yup. It’s gonna be a tidal exclusive.
Patti: All they care about is getting people to buy subscriptions. I figured coming here and letting them film me pretending to make up with Aretha would be enough for how much I made them pay me.
Patti: Oh, I’m sorry, did I say that out loud? I meant “real life friendship”. If I can
*A gun cocks and Patti LaBelle practically deathdrops to the ground before two bullets go into the wall behind her*
*Solo hides behind the couch as Taraji looks on*
Aretha: Juventud, you’re punished.
Juventud: Miss Aretha, I
Aretha: Why did y’all let this demonspawn stay inside of my house?
Patti: YOU CRAZY COW. YOU ALMOST KILLED ME.
Aretha: WOULDN’TA BEEN NO “ALMOST” IF I WOULDVE COCKED THE GUN OUTSIDE FIRST
Solo: Miss Aretha!
Aretha: Was this your doing, Baldyonce?
Patti: I can’t believe you just tried to kill me, you cantankerous old hoe!
*Aretha points the gun at Patti, but Taraji gently disarms her*
Taraji: I would’ve stopped you from getting Luther, too, if I had the chance
Patti: I knew you killed Luther. Chaka Khan told me but she didn’t have any proof.
*Patti pulls out a damn handgun, too*
Aretha: See what you did, Cookie?
*Taraji gets in front of Aretha with arms outstretched*
Taraji: Y’all are gonna sit down like the grown women you are and handle this like adults.
Patti: If shooting people not handling it like adults, then why you gotta be an adult to buy a gun?
Taraji: You know goddamn well–
Lauryn: I sensed a large energy disturbance
Solo: oh, lord
Aretha: Yeah, this wannabe came in my house causing some tension
Patti: Wannabe!? Bitch, I’m you 4.0. Fuck you mean?
Aretha: Fuck YOU mean!?
Patti: Fuck YOU MEAN!?
*Patti pulls a pistol out of her purse and cocks it before Solo takes it out of her hand*
Solo: Did both of you even realize it’s a camera here?
Aretha: Fuck a camera
*Taraji grabs the camera man’s camera, slams it on the ground and starts stomping it*
White cameraman: Hey, lady!
Taraji: I said something about Luther on there. It’s too much incriminating stuff on–
Cameraman: It was a live stream. . .
Aretha: This is your fault, Fatti LaBalls
Patti: Oh, go eat dog shit
Solo: Can someone help me understand while y’all hate each other so much in the first place?
*Patti and Aretha look at each other and then sit down as far away from each other as possible*
Taraji: Didn’t y’all fight in 2014 or something?
Aretha: No we didn’t damn fight.
Patti: I tried to greet this heffer at the white house but apparently she’s too good to touch my hands.
Aretha: I didn’t even know it was you. I thought somebody let a giant possum in.
Patti: We gonna see who the possum if you keep playing games with me. You gonna be the one playing dead.
Aretha: You were almost real life dead.
Taraji: Ladies, ladies, ladies. Boaf y’all almost real life dead, so y’all can stop trying to kill each other over petty shit.
Aretha: Ain’t nothing petty. They calling this skank the godmother of soul but I wanna see receipts. Everything you doing, I been did
Aretha: First woman inducted into Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and number one on Rolling Stones 100 greatest singers list.
Patti: Girl, fuck these white people. They didn’t even want us performing at first and now yo ass using their awards for validation.
Aretha: That’s what every bitch with minor accolades say
*Patti stands up*
Patti: You can’t even stand up that fast.
*Aretha stands up*
Aretha: Sell 500 records that fast.
Solo: Oh god, y’all like 7 year olds
*Meanwhile at the Mansion Carter, Naomi420 hears someone coming down the basement steps*
*She quickly leans against the wall and readies her nunchaku*
Jay: Hey, baby, wh-
*Naomi420 clocks Jay in the face with a nunchucks*
Jay: OW WHAT THE FUCK
Jay: ITS ME THIS IS MY HOUSE
Naomi420: I’m aware of your identity.
Bey: Welcome home, husband. Is Frank with you?
Jay: Bey, I already told you–
Bey: It was a serious joke
Jay: . . . wha
Jay: I could have a concussion
Bey: Naomi, get him an acetaminophen.
Naomi420: Yes, Queen.
Jay: Usually, women have on lingerie or have food ready when their husbands come home.
Bey: Usually, people that do what they are supposed to do are fed.
Jay: Where’s Bruno?
Bey: He is being broken.
Jay: Like, literally?
Bey: No. He might enjoy it too much.
Bey: How was your New York trip? Did you get to fuck someone
Jay: It was fine. I shot the shit on hot 97.
Bey: I heard. Your lies stank through my speakers.
Jay: We found Azealia. She took us to her apartment and let Frank go. Now he’s gone.
Bey: I could spit on you.
Bey: Did you tell him I wanted him back here?
Jay: Yes. He was enjoying his solitude so he took off and went somewhere else.
Bey: I want a different response.
Jay: Yes. He respectfully declined.
Bey: Why didn’t he try to escape Azealia’s apartment?
Jay: He was locked in a room. He said she only opened it to get her skin bleaching cream.
Bey: Indeed. I will just have to get my Beyhive agents to locate him. And Sean?
Jay: Yes, baby?
Bey: If you’re lying to me, I will come at you like a voluptuous bullet train made of plastic explosives, do you understand.
Bey: Now. Didn’t I tell you people would still take your music seriously?
Bey: After my social experiment. You make new music and people are still excited. I don’t even think I’ve seen a Michael Jordan crying face on you.
Jay: Yeah, that’s. . . good. I still got it ahaaaa
Bey: You fucking men.
Bey: I do my best to tell people you cheated on me without having to say your name and people think it’s a ploy.
Jay: I mean, we are famous. They figure everything is for the cameras.
Bey: I bet if you made a song about me cheating on you, the media wouldn’t get enough of it
Bey: “Oh she dresses like a slut! Who’s surprised!? No one! Let’s see what Donald Trump thinks!”
Bey: “How Beyoncé’s infidelity is ruining a generation of little girls by Huffington Post Buzzfeed Salon Vice”
Bey: You have no words?
Bey: Should I turn on a beat?
Bey: Boom ch-kuh Boom ch boom ch boom boom ch-kuh fucking rap what you thinking nigga
Jay: You know I love you and what I did was. . . something I will spend my life making up for.
Bey: And a good majority of your death
Jay: Should I do a PSA on infidelity or something?
Jay: Isn’t that, I don’t know. . . like kink-shaming people? Not everyone is monogamous
Bey: Where the fuck did you learn about kink-shaming?
Bey: Who has cheated on his wife numerous times.
Jay: He says sex workers don’t count.
Bey: Please don’t repeat words Kanye has said anymore.
Jay: Baby, I mean. . . Patriarchy is really programmed–
Bey: You remember the word! I’m so proud of you!
Jay: thank you
Bey: It was a serious sarcastic remark.
Jay: What do you want me to say?
Bey: I want you to tell everyone who you cheated on me with.
Jay: Where is Prince?
Bey: Where I want him to be. Change the subject again and I will personally crash all of your cars.
Bey: DID YOU JUST LAUGH
*Beyoncé storms over to Jay and bites at the air within an inch of his face*
Bey: Tell everyone it was Rihanna
Jay: Baby. . . I
*Jay Z takes off running for the basement steps, pulls out his phone and calls Leo*
Leo: You handle dat?
Jay: Its a super emergency!
*Naomi420 chases Jay as Bey looks on in disgust*
*Jay Z gets up the steps, closes the door and puts his back against it*
Leo: You okay, dude?
Jay: Beyoncé is gonna kill me.
Leo: I’ma pull past, open the door and you’re gonna jump in like an action movie. I’m doing an oobz mission.
Jay: A what?
*Jay hears a shotgun cock through the door*
Naomi420: Please don’t make me shoot the door, Mr. Sean
*Jay runs off towards the front door*
*Blue Ivy waves at her dad from the second floor*
Blue Ivy: Hi, daddy!
*Blue squints her eyes*
Blue: Mama T said you would leave me like this
Leo: I’m hitting the corner, hurry up!
*Jay runs out of the door and towards his front gate. He sprints out and into the street just as Leo pulls up.*
Jay: Nigga, slow down!
Leo: Cool, I’m your nilla!
*Jay jumps into the passenger seat of the car*
??? : Holy shit, Sean motherfucking Carter.
Jay: Who? Ben Affleck?
Ben: I’m currently going by Batlfleck.
Ben: Seriously. I’m planning on ending my career as Bruce Wayne. What’s a few nerds putting their hands to low on my back in pictures if I’m making an extra couple hundred mil a year? Ya know?
Ben: “I’m not a businessman, I’m a business, maaan” hahaha
Leo: Why did you just have to jump in my neon, Jiggaman? Danger at home?
Jay: She wants me to tell everyone who I cheated on her with.
Leo: Whoa, like all of them!?
Jay: No, just Rihanna
Ben: Aw, man, you fucked Rihanna, dude? I wish we could be eskimo brothers.
Leo: Didn’t you bang Rita Ora?
Ben: Well, yeah. I almost forgot about her.
Leo: Everyone does. It’s like her super power.
Jay: So, yeah, I just got out of there. I’ve never truly known what she’s capable of and I’d rather not find out.
Ben: Didn’t a local news team go missing at you guys’ house once?
Jay: I don’t know what you mean.
Ben: Wow. They found a hand in your yard, dude.
Ben: This guy is ice cold.
Leo: Soooooooooooooooooo, our little problem?
Jay: Your little problem
Ben: What’s cooler than being cool?
Leo: You didn’t even talk to the paper did you?
Jay: My wife literally just chased me back out of the house.
Leo: You’re really cuckolding the shit out of me right now
Ben: ICE COLD!
Jay: . . . No
Leo: Like, this is my life, right? You are pounding my life missionary style while she wraps her legs around your ass and pulls you deeper into her wetness and moans in ecstasy. I’m recording it and giving directions, but I know deep down I’ll never fuck my life like your fucking my life.
Jay: This is really that important to you?
Leo: Like finding my prostate during a blowjob.
Jay: Fine. I’ll have to send a few emails.
*Slaybell suddenly gets into the backseat of the car next to Ben Affleck*
Ben: Okay, hi and daaaaaaaamn
Slaybell: Queen Beyoncé demands that you turn this vehicle around and bring back her husband. He has shamed and offended her greatly with his insolence.
Leo: Look, you’re hot enough for me to listen to you.
Jay: Wow, really?
Leo: Wait, yeah, who are you?
*Slaybell pulls a desert eagle out of her purse and runs it down Leo’s face*
Slaybell: I am the one that has a gun and told you to turn your ugly car around
Leo: I don’t know, should I listen Jay? Would you like for me to die?
*Jay goes to jump out of the car but the door won’t unlock*
Leo: You think I’ve never been ditched before during a robbery? You’re going back home, motherfucker.
*Leo turns the Dodge Neon around heads back to the Carter Mansion*
HE ALWAYS GOT THEM FUCKIN EXCUSES