*Ava, Viola and Lil Mama exit Viola’s Cadillac in front of a quaint cottage like home with a colorful garden in the front*
*Viola sends Octavia a text saying that they are outside*
Lil Mama: I’ve never had a paranormal encounter before
Ava: I nutted so hard my soul left my body once
*Viola rolls her eyes and walks towards the house. Ava and Lil Mama begin to follow. Before Viola steps foot on the porch, Octavia Spencer opens the door*
Octavia: Took y’all long e-goddamn-nough. I want this thing out of my house.
Ava: Good morning to you, too
Octavia: No, bad morning. Bad fucking morning.
Octavia: That thing had my house smelling like cigars and. . . I think it’s watching porn on my office computer!
Viola: But how is it Ava’s ghost if she’s right here?
Ava: Oh, this bitch always got them jokes
Octavia: And this bitch got them ghosts, so can we please do this?
Lil Mama: Has the ghost tried to hurt you?
Octavia: Wh- Oh, shit, is that Lil Mama? I didn’t see you there.
Lil Mama: I’m so honored to meet you, Miss Spencer. Me and my little cousins are big fans of your Randi Rhodes series
Octavia: Oh my god, thank you!
Viola: She writes children’s books, remember?
Ava: Oh, the one about the little white girl
Ava: *Yawns very audibly*
Octavia: Fuck you
Octavia: No, he hasn’t tried to hurt me.
Lil Mama: He?
Lil Mama: He was watching foot porn. I don’t know any women that watch that shit.
Ava: Oh, he a foot nigga? I remember my foot slut days. Laurence Fishburne pointed out that my feet looked scrumptious and I entered a whole new world.
Octavia: Oh my god
*Octavia walks back in the house and the other ladies follow*
Octavia: We have to go up to my room. That’s where I put the salt and stuff down.
Ava: You trying to kill slugs?
Octavia: No, chickenhead. Salt is known to keep away bad spirits. You never head of throwing salt over your shoulder to keep away evil spirits?
Ava: I thought that was for keeping broke niggas away.
*Viola palms her face and drags her hand down*
*They walk up to Octavia’s bedroom, step over the salt boundary and close the door. Octavia has holy water, religious kakemono and crosses interspersed throughout the room*
Viola: So where is the exorcist?
Octavia: He’s on his way. He’s grabbing some things.
Ava: The fuck is Japanese paper gonna do?
Octavia: Stop touching that!
Lil Mama: How did you guys even summon a ghost anyway? Everybody in Brooklyn has been trying to figure it out since Biggie died.
Octavia: I don’t know. Ava brought white people drugs to my house and I ignored my better judgment.
Ava: That shit was fucking lit
Octavia: UHURA AND MORPHEUS DIED. THATS IS NOT LIT.
Ava:. . . who?
*Octavia lunges at Ava just for Viola to block her like an offensive lineman*
Ava: Bitch, I fucking dare you
Viola: Can you stop being a goddamn hoodrat for 2 minutes!
Ava: I don’t see not one hoe in here writing me a check, so no
*Octavia breaks down crying and Lil Mama consoles her*
Viola: Uhura and Morpheus are her cats. We kinda ate them.
Lil Mama: What?
Viola: We thought it would be fun to do acid with Av-
Ava: And the weed brownies. I feel like the brownies important.
*Viola rolls her eyes*
Viola: We had weed brownies and dropped acid
Ava: There were shrooms in the brownies, too
Ava: Look, I had like 3 brownies before I made those brownies and thought it was a good idea
Octavia: MY CAAAAAATS
*Octavia drops her face into Lil Mama’s shoulder and sobs*
Ava: Oh my god, yo
Viola: Long story short, we did the hardest drugs and we don’t remember what we did. We woke up butt naked with cat corpses,–
Viola: – – blood and Popeye’s boxes everywhere. Then stuff started moving around, blood came out of the sink and
Octavia: AND YOU LEFT ME
Viola: Not by choice
Viola: And here we are
Lil Mama: And you stayed here?
Octavia: No. The apparition plus the deaths of Uhara and Morpheus sent me into a deep depression. I stayed at Oprah’s Mahogany Motel.
Lil Mama: The what?
Viola: Its a getaway Oprah built for hard working black women like ourselves. People that are white and/or men are banned completely.
Lil Mama: Wooooooooow
Ava: That shit lame
Viola: Ava is just salty she was banned
Ava: Its nothing but women, so why can’t I have my titties out? Like, to be dead ass.
Octavia: Because of decency. It’s a villa, not a nudist colony.
Ava: You saying I don’t have decent titties?
*Octavia’s phone rings*
Octavia: Oh my god, thank you.
Octavia: Someone will be down to open the door.
Octavia: Little Mama, could you get the door for me? Put this on
*Octavia hands Lil Mama a talisman on a necklace*
*Lil Mama goes downstairs and opens the door to find Kirk Franklin*
Lil Mama: Oh my god
Kirk: Please don’t use our God’s name in vain. Where can I speak to Miss Spencer?
*Lil Mama leads Kirk Franklin upstairs and into the anti-ghost room*
Ava: Ho ma god
Viola: This is your exorcist? The DJ Khaled of gospel music?
Kirk: I feel like you are passing judgment on me and Mr. Khaled, Mrs. Davis.
Viola: They say she who isn’t a backslider casts the first stone.
Octavia: Thank you for coming, Mr. Franklin. Please pardon my friends-in-title-only.
Kirk: Lol they know not what they do
Kirk: Now, what is the issue you’re having with . . . spirits?
*Meanwhile, Jay Z pulls up to the Carter Mansion and hops out to find Leonardo Dicaprio waiting outside of his house*
Jay: Leo, what up?
Leo: “Damn, Daniel, FBI still at it with them white vans”? Really?
Jay: Because you’re the best rapper alive or something
Leo: Well it’s definitely not the guy that did a mash up album with Linkin Park
Leo: Look, man, I need your help
Jay: Is this financial or emotional help? I don’t have much time for either
Leo: This french magazine is saying that I tried to fuck Caitlyn Jenner
Leo: Not funny
Jay: It is, though
Leo: Apparently some French fuckmook has “sources” that claim I was DMing her dick pics on instagram
Jay: Well, were you?
Leo: That’s irrelevant, Hov. The point is that they’re saying it in public
Jay: A person that didn’t do it would just be like “no”
Leo: But if I say no, I sound like a homophobe that doesn’t find Caitlyn Jenner attractive and I’m not
Jay: You find Caitly-
Leo: This type of attention is venomous to the career of a marvelous cisgendered heterosexual white man like myself.
Jay: What does this have to do with me?
Leo: You own part of the company that owns the company that runs 73% of the ads in that magazine. I need you to pressure them to say it’s a lie
Jay: How do you even know that?
Leo: Venture capitalism is a small world. I know this type of stuff is new to you people.
Leo: Rappers, I mean.
Leo: Not blacks
Leo: Black people.
Leo: Not black people.
Leo: I’ve always known black venture capi-
Jay: Just say it’s a lie
Leo: Its more important that the motherfucking liars say it.
Leo: Please Jay
Leo: Who’s connections got you out of the stank when the Panama Papers scandal broke?
Leo: You’re driving a semi over my balls right now, man
Jay: . . . I’ll see what I can do
*Leo hugs Jay Z like a brother that loaned him money to pay off the mafia*
Leo: You know you’re my favorite American of African descent?
Leo: With a penis?
Jay: No, I don’t.
Jay: I didn’t want to.
Leo: Hup. just got an Uber hit. Bout to go make this pick up then I’ll hit you for the up-diggity-date.
Jay: Whatever, man
*Leo gets into his black dodge neon and takes off up the street*
Jay: White people
*Meanwhile, in the basement of the Carter mansion, Naomi runs down stairs and kneels in front of Beyoncé obediently*
Naomi420: I apologize for my absence, Queen Bey, Lordess of Class. I required sustenance.
Bey: The Hawaiian twink says that you are a spy for Warner Brothers records.
Naomi420: This is a falsehood, my Queen
Bey: You know the punishment for spying against the Hive
Bruno: I never said it was her, you gunjumper, you.
Bey: I’m the gunjumper?
Bey: Why do you think I sent the white one with Kanye?
*A small orb rolls up to Beyoncé’s foot, sprouts 3 legs and climbs up her body to her ear. It’s a Samsung Galaxy Moon XTX 7 STLE*
BeckyGray: Prince is not in the suitcase!
BeckyGray: I have failed you.
Bey: No, you have not. Please return to the mansion with Kanye and the Jenner so girls so that we may figure out where he’s gone.
BeckyGray: They escaped, my Queen, goddess of talent and emotion.
BeckyGray: When we found out that the suitcase was empty, they knocked me out and ran off. Kanye had considered turning Prince in with Wiz for his own selfish reasons.
Bey: Tsk. Look where you can for any of them. The acquisition of Prince is paramount, though.
BeckyGray: Of course, my Queen. I shall return to you immediately.
*Bey plucks the arachnid like phone off of her shoulder*
Bey: BeckyGray is our mole.
Slaybell: I will surgically remove her uterus!
Bey: No, I already knew. That’s why I sent Prince elsewhere. I knew that nincompo– Is Bruno Mars wired?
Slaybell: Oh my you, I forgot to check!
*Slaybell kneels immediately*
Slaybell: I have brought shame and danger to the Knowles bloodline
Bruno: I don’t wear wires, toots. You gotta pay good good good good good good good good good good good good money to record this voice.
*Slaybell Ric Flair slaps his throat*
*Bruno has an orgasm*
Bruno: I’m sorry. That’s like my G spot.
*Slaybell rips Bruno’s clothes off like they were made of paper mâche and begins aggressively rubbing all of his skin*
Naomi420: How did you know about BeckyGray?
Bey: because she’s my double agent. Being that she’s one of my closest white women, they figured she would be most likely to turn on me.
Bey: She’s so loyal that she wept and missed a week of work when I told her to accept Warner Bros offer. I have been purposely misleading her so that her truth is always the wrong truth.
*Slaybell pulls her hand out of Bruno’s rectum*
Slaybell: He’s clean. Literally and figuratively.
Naomi420: Why don’t you rub his balls while you’re at it?
Bruno: Days like this are why my hygiene regimen is so rigorous.
Bruno: Rigorous regimen
Bruno: Ima put that in a song
Bruno: What do you say, Bey?
Bruno: “You better stretch cuz its a rigorous regi-
Bey: Drag him into the bathroom, put his chair in the shower and turn it on, Slaybell.
Bey: You may stay and change the temperature as you please
Slaybell: Thank you, my Queen, The American Fashion Valkyrie,
Slaybell: Euphoria made flesh
*Slaybell begins dragging Bruno’s chair into the bathroom*
Bruno: Boy, wait until TMZ finds out you’re the Black Elizabeth Bathory!
Bey: Wait until TMZ finds your body
Naomi420: May I ask you a question, my queen?
Naomi420: Do you know where Prince is?
Bey: Actually, I do. . .
*A doorbell rings in a spacious mansion that looks like some shit out of a Land’s End catalog, but the furniture is for people that are actually rich*
Taylor Swift: Oh, gosh, I wonder who this could be?
*Taylor Swift opens the door*
Taylor: Hey, Mrs. Beyoncé’s mom!
Mama T: Its Mrs. Lawson.
Taylor: Of course. I apologize, Mrs. Lawson. I see you’ve brought “Kris Jenner”
Prince: Hello *Mrs. Doubtfire voice*