The Lemons Part 12

There is now an archive that you can access through the menu and the official schedule for the Lemons is every Friday. As much as I want to spoil everyone with two or three a week, I’m sure people would like me to make more of other stuff.


For this season, if you’d like to read the next part early, just make a donation. I won’t mention it again because I can’t have y’all thinking I’m a Joanne Prada.

Beyonce’s performing in Baltimore today and I ain’t get no tickets, so whole time, what’s good, though @Beyonce.

Now, without further ado.


*Jay and Ava walk off of the jet and see Viola Davis next to a pearl colored Cadillac*

Ava: Your hoes stay wit ya money, huh, bitch?
Viola: They aren’t my hoes if they don’t hahaha

*Ava and Viola hug*

Viola: So Octavia has some sort of medium coming over to help us.
Ava: I hope she told him to bring some tampons for the sink though
Jay: Hey, Viola
Viola: I can’t be seen speaking with you.
Viola: Ava does what she wants, but I have morals.
Jay: Over Lemonade?
Viola: Over your poor decision-making
Jay: We’re fine now
Viola: That’s not a reason to treat you like a human
Jay: Wow
Ava: Can we get this shit over with? I have important meetings tomorrow morning. Outsmarting white people and dodging Cocaine.
Lil Mama: Can I come?
Ava: What the shit?
Viola: Is that the popping lip gloss girl?
Jay: What in the hell are you doing on my jet?
Lil Mama: As you can see, I dressed as an attendant
Lil Mama: Nobody ever notices me, so disguises work very well
Ava: I don’t even care
Viola: I do. Does she even have experience with the supernatural?
Ava: Bitch, I don’t have experience in the supernatural. You need to get that stick out of your ass.
Viola: That’s rich coming from the one who has experience with things in her ass
Ava: Then take my advice when I say replace that stick with a dick
Jay: I guess I should be heading home
Viola: I guess you’re taking Lil Mama with you
Jay: No.
Viola: I will call Beyoncé right now
Ava: Nah, she can come. We might need a vessel.
Lil Mama: A vessel? Like blood?
Ava: Sure
Viola: For the love of God
Jay: See ya

*Jay runs to his chauffeured Maybach and jumps in the backseat*

Viola: Why do I hang out with you.
Ava: Because I’m dat bitch
Viola: is “dat” patois for “a stupid”?
Lil Mama: This is going to be fun! You ladies are so inspiring. I can already see I’m going to learn so much from you.
Viola: Okay, first thing you’re going to learn is how to shut up when grown folks are talking

*Back at the Carter mansion, Beyoncé gets an SOS from Becky Gray’s Iwatch *

Bey: Update
BeckyGray: Some asshole just rear ended us into a bush cough cough
Bey: Did you see who it was
BeckyGray: Its some skinny black guy in a Jean outfit with a joint in his mouth. I think he has history with Kanye
Bey: No, they just have a trollop in common; It must be Wiz Khalifa
BeckyGray: Amber Rose’s ex-husband? I didn’t know he looked like a cartoon meerkat.
Bey: Yeah, that’s Cameron.
Bruno: LOL
Bruno: I told you I’m a great staller

*Slaybell grabs Bruno’s face and pries his mouth open. Beyoncé walks over, puts on silk gloves and begins to put her hand in Bruno’s mouth*

Beyoncé: Is he looking for Computer Blue?
BeckyGray: A computer? I thought he was looking for Prince?
Bey: . . .  Yes
BeckyGray: Ohhhh
BeckyGray: Yes, he mentioned it. He’s arguing with Kanye now.
Bey: They cannot have Prince.

*Bey hangs up the phone*

Bruno: gggghhhdrlglskdls
Bey: Hush

.*Beyoncé jerks her hand out of Bruno’s mouth as Slaybell pushes his head forward and lets him vomit all over himself*

Bruno:. . .  If this is some so-

*Slaybell pulls his forehead and chin apart and Beyoncé jams her hand in his mouth again. Bruno throws up before she gets her hand all the way out.*

Bruno: Huuurrgghh. . .  the stalling. . .  right. . . its

*Beyoncé puts two fingers in Bruno’s mouth and he gags violently*

Bruno: The fucking mole. There’s a. . .  oh god. . .  there’s a mole.
Slaybell: Who is it?
Bruno: Did you notice anyone is missing?

*Beyoncé puts her ungloved index finger and thumb on the bridge of her nose*

Slaybell: Fucking Naomi
Bruno: I mean, who can you trust, really? They’ve been planning this for a few decades, Beyoncé.
Bey: Slaybell, I want you to text Naomi to return to me or her niece will die.

*Slaybell pulls out her phone and brings Beyoncé’s command to fruition*

*At the car crash, Kanye and Wiz argue as the women look on*

Kanye: I take back what I said about your pants being cool
Wiz: Who gives a fuck? I’m here for Prince, bruh
Kanye: Why? How does having Prince help you?
Wiz: Any Warner Bros artists that brings Prince in gets to go through his catalogue first.
Wiz: Ima give them to my Taylor Gang producers, they gonna chop them up and I’ma make some Marijuana music masterpieces, fool
Kanye: Wait . . .  So you’ll have access to his whole catalogue for sampling?
Wiz: I’m pretty sure I just said that
Wiz: I’m surprised you not trying to turn him in, nigga
Kanye: . . . Shit, me too
Kendall: What?
Kanye: I’m just saying

*BeckyGray cocks her shotgun and points it at Kanye*

Kylie: Omg!
BeckyGray: I’m on Beyoncé’s side
Wiz: Beyoncé not here
BeckyGray: You can both die. The police won’t even care.
Kanye: Wow
Kendall: Holy shit
BeckyGray: Its politically incorrect but it’s literally correct so don’t fucking push me. Neither of you are Biggie or Tupac and we still don’t know who killed them.
BeckyGray: I will kill anyone that’s not Beyoncé, so

*Kanye grabs for BeckyGray’s gun as Kylie dives for her legs*

*Kanye successfully takes the shotgun from BeckyGray as she falls to the ground and lands hard on her side*

Kendall: OH MY GOD

*Kanye turns the gun on BeckyGray When Wiz Khalifa jumps on Kanye’s back, causing Kanye to fire and shoot the back window of the Benz out*

*Kendall dives to the ground and crawls in front of the Benz*

*BeckyGray and Kylie tussle on the ground approximately 25 feet away from Kanye and Wiz. Kylie has the upper hand due to having to hold down Tyga during his night terrors.*

*Wiz and Kanye grapple effeminately, Kanye pulling Wiz’s hair and Wiz pulling Kanye’s shirt over his head*

*Kendall suddenly remembers Prince and runs over to the trunk to open the suitcase*

*BeckyGray crawls away as Kylie tries to pull her back*

BeckyGray: NO

*Kendall pops the trunk open and unzips the suitcase*

Kendall: Wow. Prince isn’t even here you guys. . .

*Meanwhile, at  Aretha Franklin’s house. . . *

Taraji: Fat Patty chatting looking like somebody granny
Taraji: Patty just a maddy cuz her daddy call me Daddy
Taraji: He got up in my panties started  tonguing down my fanny
Aretha: This is filthy
Taraji: Exactly. You never seen a rap battle? Fight Klub?
Aretha: Fight Club sucked and what does that have to with rap fighting?
Taraji: Talking about fucking her dad is some next level shit. See, you could’ve said her man, but saying her favva is like saying “I’m your mommy, bitch”
Aretha: I don’t want to be her mommy and I don’t want no old man eating my butt
Taraji: So you don’t get your salad tossed?
Aretha: I said “no old man”
Taraji: Damn, shawty, okay
Aretha: You been quiet
Solange: I’m sorry. I just can’t help write a mean song about Patti Labelle
Aretha: Girl, you not really dissing her yourself. You ghostwriting for me. Look at it like that.
Taraji: You need a trap beat.
Aretha: A what?
Taraji: A trap beat. That’s the hot sound on the radio right now.
Aretha: I don’t listen to no damn radio. I use Apple Music or Juventud sings to me.
Taraji: Okay
Solange: Why don’t you guys just, like, squash your beef?
Aretha: You sound like goddamn Whitney
Aretha: “girl, ain’t no point in y’all beefing. Y’all important black women and we need to stick together.”
Aretha: Inside her nose looking like the damn Swiss Alps.
Taraji: I’m telling you, get you on some trap shit with some fire ad-libs and you gonna kill it.
Aretha: Don’t be talking all that Empire shit at me, please.
Taraji: Hmph
Solange: I’m telling you, being the bigger woman is a better diss than singing about fucking her dad.
Taraji: Says who? Did you “be the bigger woman” and forgive your brother-in-law?
Taraji: Or did you kick him?
Aretha: But you want me to make up with Patti LaDamnBelle
Juventud: Aretha, you have a guest.
Aretha: Let her in. She’s right on time.

*Juventud runs over to the door and a few seconds later Lauryn Hill walks in*

Taraji: I didn’t expect this
Lauryn: Sorry I was late, Ms. Franklin
Aretha: No, you were right on time. I told you to be here two hours ago on purpose.
Lauryn: . . . My energy is disturbed. I must go realign my spiritual essence.
Aretha: You walk out of this house, you gonna wake up back in this house tied to a chair.
Aretha: We’ll have a re-do.
Lauryn: Yes, ma’am.

*Lauryn Hill sits next to Solange who turns away from her*

Lauryn: You’re still upset
Solange: Of course I am. Many girls were looking forward to seeing you at the young DJs for womanism loft party and panel discussion.
Lauryn: My energy wasn’t in the right place. I had to find where my energy had gone.
Solo: Maybe it’s with your babies’ father and whatever model he marrying now
Taraji: Oop!
Solo: Did he ever propose to you or were you late to that?

*Taraji slides out of the couch and onto the floor*

Lauryn: Mrs. Aretha, I MUST leave the room. I can’t work with such negative auras present.
Aretha: Whatever

*Lauryn Hill goes out back to smoke a cigarette*

Aretha: you would think she would wanna get this money since she out here ducking the IRS and dressing like Johnny Depp
Aretha: Now where was all that when I asked you to shit on Patti?
Solo: I don’t fuck with her
Taraji: Do you fuck with anybody?
Aretha: I know she better not ash on my damn lawn. Beyoncé been bringing me kimono dragon dookie to put on the grass.

*Aretha gets up to go check on her grass*

Taraji: This not just some “DJing womanist” shit, is it?
Solo: There’s also the “supposed to do a joint album but never came to the studio because it turns out she was down the street smoking hookah” shit
Solo: The “RSVP’d to my wedding and never showed but offered to house sit for us if she could bring all 39 of her kids” shit
Taraji: So there was some shit.
Taraji: What the hell she gonna help write anyway? Y’all hoes be making Mary McLeod Bethune songs and shit. Aretha need to hit that bitch where it hurts.
Solo: I think we should trick them into meeting each other.
Taraji: Like some Love and Hip Hop shit? The fuck wrong with you?
Solo: Whitney Houston was right. They’re too old to be fighting with each other like this
Taraji: Being “too old” don’t stop men from doing shit, so I don’t see your point.
Solo: I’m going to tell them to meet at my sister’s house
Taraji: I’m leaving
Solo: You wanted to help
Taraji: Write a damn diss, not watch an old lady street fight
Solo: You’re being negative by assuming they would fight
Taraji: You being dumb by assuming they won’t fight
Taraji: Patti called her a hippopotamus

*Solo puts her hand on her chin and tries to devise a plan to squash Patti and Aretha’s war*

Juventud: Where is, uh, where is Aretha?
Taraji: She went out back. You look like you just saw your first donkey show.
Juventud: She has a. . .  oh boy . . .  she has a guest
??? : and I ain’t no donkey, I know that for damn sure

*Patti Labelle walks into the living room with a camera man and a guy holding a boom mic*

Patti: Where that grumpy old heffer?



2 thoughts on “The Lemons Part 12

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