The Lemons Part 11


FYI, this season I’ll be offering the chance to read the next part of the Lemons early as thank you for any donations received.

Now, without further ado


*Bruno Mars wakes up with his ankles and wrists tied to a chair. He looks around to no avail; It’s like his eyes are covered in Vaseline*


BeckyGray: He’s waking up



*Slaybell walks up and slaps the shit out of Bruno. Like, remember when Laurence Fishburne played Ike Turner and he walked in the diner, cocked his hand back and threw the slap. Like that slap*


Bruno: I. . .  I. . .

Bruno: I can see! You’re like a miracle worker!


*Slaybell slaps him again*


Slaybell: Your facetiousness shall be the foreplay before your death


*Bruno realizes that he’s in the Carter mansion’s basement. He sees Kanye sketching in a notepad as Kylie and Kendall watch and occasionally point. Beyoncé and Slaybell stand before Bruno, arms crossed. Prince reads an organic food blog on his kindle behind BeckyGray and Naomi420*


Bruno: Aw, man, it’s like a fan fiction in here or something

Prince: If it isn’t the Morris Day impersonator.

Bruno: I hope he was flattered. I made him more relevant than Purple Rain ever did.

Prince: You wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for Purple Rain

Bruno: *Thinks about it and kinda sees where he’s coming from*

Bruno: I didn’t kill that  J. Cole guy did I?

Bey: No, semi-fortunately

Bey: How long have you been tracking Prince?

Bruno: Speaking of track, I love your hair. Where did you


*Slaybell puts her foot on his chest and kicks him over just to lift his chair back into position*


Bruno: For the record, my safe word is jellyfish


*Slaybell gently puts her foot down on his crotch and presses down slowly*


Bruno: jellyfish Jellyfish Jellyfish!


Slaybell: I don’t use safe words

Bey: That’s enough, general


*Slaybell stops short of turning his genitals into sauce*


Bey: How long have you been tracking us?

Bruno: Ch.

Bruno: Like 3 days. When Madonna failed, they called me up. They had a hunch he was with you and figured I could use our friendship to find out.

Bey: We performed together at the Super Bowl once

Bruno: And how many people can say they share that bond?

Bey: Stop thinking we’re friends

Bruno: This isn’t personal. We just want Prince.

Prince: And you can’t have Prince.

Bruno: Then you have to die.

Beyoncé: You’re famous already; why are you doing their dirty work?

Bruno: Well, anyone that brings Prince in gets first dibs on his unreleased catalogue

Bruno: And who’s a better choice than me to take Prince songs and treat them like he made them?

Slaybell: D’Angelo

Prince: Janelle Monae

BeckyGray: Young Thug

Kanye: James Blake

Bruno: Oh fucking kay

Bruno: Geez


Naomi420: So what shall we do with him, Queen Beyoncé, Dutchess of Legs, Jaguar of the South?

Bey:  He’ll stay his ass right here. I should’ve tied Prince to a chair years ago.

Prince: That actually came up in a dream once

Bey:  Kanye, I think it’s about time you and your coven took Prince to Taylor’s house.

Bey:  BeckyGray will be joining you, since you are a doofus.

Kanye: Why do I have to do any of this?

Slaybell: Because she said it

Kanye: I’m starting to not like this one.

Bey: Another reason she is highly favored


Bey: Please leave. We’ll be keeping Bruno company until he comes around.

Bruno: There are methods for making me come around, but it wouldn’t be fun if I told you


*Naomi gives that nigga a titty twister*


Bruno: Gaaahhhh

Bruno: Lady Gaga is much better at this torture stuff than you guys


*Kanye, Kendall, Kylie and Becky walk Prince out of the basement*


Bruno: This is much better. No dudes.


*KKK, Prince and BeckyGray walk into the foyer*


Kendall: We can’t just take Prince outside. We have to hide him in something.

Prince: I’ve found that I can fit in certain suitcases

Kanye: . . .  You “found”?

Prince: I have to tell you about Grace Jones’ parties sometimes


*Mama T and Blue Ivy walk in*


Mama T: Tabitha? What are you doing here? Holding a shotgun?

Blue: Hi, Prince Prince. Hi, Mr. Kanye. Hi, North’s aunts.

BeckyGray: Following your daughter’s orders, Tina

Mama T: I can’t believe it

Mama T: You’re a damn Beyhive nutjob

BeckyGray: I am Liutenant of the California Hive and I am currently of utmost importance to your daughter

BeckyGray: Kanye, Khloe and Kris, I will be outside securing the perimeter.


*BeckyGray walks out of the door*


Mama T: And what are you doing here?

Kanye: Uh, Prince is alive

Mama T: I knew that. I want to know what that has to do with you and Caitlyn’s spawn

Prince: They’re, uh, escorting me to another location.

Kendall: Wait, which one of us is supposed to be Kris.

Kylie: Who cares? One is old and one is fat!

Kendall: Khloe’s not even fat anymore!

Kylie: Well, she’s still bigger than I am!

Kanye: Guys

Kanye: Guys, that’s it!

Kanye: Let’s dress Prince as Kris. They kinda look similar with shades and Prince’s current outfit.

Prince: . . .  What

Mama T: Nah, he’s right, I can see it now. Give him a headwrap, too.

Prince: I need to get one of my scarves from my safe, then.

BeckyGray: The hell if you are

Prince: When did you-

Prince: Well I’m getting in a suitcase, then

Blue: Can I get in a suitcase?

Mama T: No, baby. Mind your business. Matter of fact, go ahead up stairs.


*Blue runs up the big ass spiral staircase to the second floor*


Prince: May I ask how you two know each other?

Mama T: She used to come to highlights and get typical “I like black dick” hair-dos

Prince: Uh huh

Mama T: She fucked two of my side niggas and we’ve been Eskimo sisters ever since.

Prince: Yes, I love making Eskimo sisters.

Kanye: I’d love to get going. I’m still Kanye, you know, and I have places to be.

Kylie: What are we going to do with Prince, though?


*Meanwhile, in the basement, Beyoncé receives a phone call*


Bruno: Ooh, let me answer it. It might be Warner Bros telling you to surrender.

Bey: Eat a dick


*Bey answers the phone*


Bey: Baby

Jay: I missed you

Bey: Yes

Jay: We found Frank.

Bey: Let me speak with him.

Jay: See, he’s not here.

Bey: Then you didn’t find him.

Jay: We did. He decided to go his own way. He doesn’t want to be found right now.

Bey: I’m pretty sure I’m the one that fucking told you to find Frank. I didn’t say “Find Frank for Frank”.

Jay: Well he’s a grown man and he made his choice. What else do you want me to do?

Bey: die and leave me all of your business ventures

Jay: Besides that

Bey: Eat my pussy every hour

Jay: I shouldn’t have as-

Bey: Stop leaving plates and cups in the goddamn 3rd floor movie theater

Jay: I meant what else did you want me to do about Frank?

Bey: Stop exasperating me

Bey: It turns out that they are here for him.

Jay: Here for him?

Bey: He who is I am

Jay: Babe, do you have to use code? These phones are extra encrypted.

Bey: Yes

Bey: Assless chaps

Jay: Ahh, shit

Bey: They sent the uptown funk boy but he is currently indisposed

Jay: You can’t keep killing people, baby

Bey:  1. I did no such thing

Bey:  2. I will do as I please

Bey:  3. Fuck you

Jay: If I’m lucky

Bey: Don’t be cheeky with me.

Jay: Only if you’ll be cheeky with me.


*Bey presses the end button and puts her phone into the pocket of her IVY PARK logo slim leg jogger pants with ergonomic seaming*

*Jay Z and Ava sit in a private jet, only a few hours away from LA*


Jay: She didn’t actually threaten to kill me, so that’s a plus

Ava: I’m just glad she does threaten you

Ava: She threatened to peel a bitch skin off but ain’t say nothing about hurting you

Ava: Felt kinda patriarchy-ish

Jay: So when does this Coolie High movie film?

Ava: Like, August? I don’t know, I’m not doing that shit

Ava: You subject switching swine

Jay: You’re not doing it?

Ava: Fuck no. Pass that shit to Lee Daniels’ goofy ass.

Ava: Disney saw that trash ass X-men movie and they want the rights back, right?

Jay: Right

Ava: So, I’m pitching a Storm movie to these niggas.

Jay: Okay

Ava: She the most prominent black woman with superpowers so I’m bout to get this fucking Internet nerd fetti.

Ava: Think of the gifs and the twitter names

Ava:  Ororo Monhoe’s as far as the eye can see, fam

Jay: Yeah, comic book movies are making a killing.

Ava: And people are sick of these men and their dicks beating each other up

Ava: Its time for some women to beat you up

Ava: And, look, and then we do the Black Panther mash up where they get married

Ava: Ima be on set with the finest actors and actresses the African diaspora has to offer. I


*Ava grabs Jay’s arm, leans back and shakes a little bit*


Ava: I just wanna die better than Oprah

Jay: You want to die a better death or

Ava: I want her to bow to me, blimplips

Ava: My drill is the drill that will pierce the heavens, my nigga

Ava: Yooo, where the dude that rubbed my feet last time that looks like Zayn Malik

Attendant: Right here, ma’am

Ava: Do that shit


*back at the Carter mansion, Beyoncé paces back and forth as Slaybell glares at Bruno Mars, still restrained and smiling*


Bruno: I’m starting to cool down. If this is to make the pain worse when you start again, I have to say I’m impressed.

Bruno: Very Gaga-esq-

Slaybell: Quiet

Bruno: . . .

Bruno: Okay


*Slaybell starts to walk toward him, but is stopped by Beyoncé*


Bey: We will not play his games in my house.

Bruno: Yeah, I’m just stalling anyway

Bey: Okay

Bruno: We’re going to get Prince from Kanye

Bruno: One of you is not like the others

Slaybell: You sound like a fool

Bruno: I sound like I’m good at stalling


*Beyoncé walks over to a porcelain vase, picks it up and throws it at Bruno Mars’ face*


Bruno: OKAY OW

Slaybell: My Queen!

Bey: It’s fine. It’s one of my throwing vases.

Slaybell: Oh. Okay, whew.

Bey: What are you stalling for

Bruno: Them to take Prince. Not good with context clues, huh?

Bey: I’m getting my glove


*Beyoncé goes up the steps*


Slaybell: lmao


*Kanye pulls a hefty luggage to the really awesome Benz as Kylie, Kendall and BeckyGray follow behind him*


Kylie: This is still really weird. Where are the komodo dragons?

BeckyGray: They were euthanized because you ruined their diet.

BeckyGray: They eat caribou that are raised on a diet of special herbs and vegetables not found in the Americas. They’re set free into the yard in the dead of night and then devoured.

BeckyGray: You gave them common store meat and now their manure is worthless.

Kanye: That shit don’t make sense.

Kanye: Haaa pun


*Kanye pops the trunk and tosses the suitcase into it. They all jump in the car and pull off, Kanye in the driver seat and Becky in the passenger.*


Kanye: Okay, can I stop home

Kendall: But Beyoncé said to take him to Taylor immediately

BeckyGray: What the girl said

Kanye: “Immediate” is such a relative term, you know? What is immediate?

Kylie: Occurring or done at once;  Instant.

Kanye: What th-? How did you-.

Kylie: Wikipedia

Kanye: But that fast? Really?

BeckyGray: I saw Naomi shoot your phone

Kendall: We need to take him or else something bad might happen. I don’t want Beyoncé to kill me.

Kanye: She can’t kill us. We’re invincible! We’re American Royalty!

Kanye: Did you see my shoes? No one would kill someone wearing these shoes, bro.

BeckyGray: I would kill you no matter what shoes you’re wearing

BeckyGray: Pop, right in the forehead

Kanye: Not co-






*Kanye rolls out of the car as BeckyGray and the Jenner girls crawl out of the other side*


Kanye: What the fuck, bro



???: What up, fool


*Kanye looks up to see Wiz Khalifa standing next to a black Dodge Challenger with a mangled front bumper*


*Wiz lights a joint and puts it to his lips*


Wiz: . . .

Wiz: hehehehehehehehe




2 thoughts on “The Lemons Part 11


    “My drill is the drill that will pierce the heavens” is poetic af.

    TIL what Eskimo sisters are. So you’re funny AND educational!

    On a more serious note, I’m really enjoying, to my bafflement, your versions of the Jenner girls. Especially Kendall. It’s kind of mesmerizing, watching you weave that sort of subtle commentary between the outrageous stuff. You’re a *very* good writer. Are you considering doing something original, that you can sell? I feel confident you could be very successful at it.


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