*Beyoncé, Taraji and Solo sit in Aretha Franklin’s living room as Bey receives a semi-urgent phone call*
Prince: I’m in the basement pool
Prince: So no sweat bottle
Bey: I think you’ll be sleeping between Neil and his husband
Bey: Did you see who the culprits were?
Prince: Not really. It was a guy and two skinny girls. They had on the whole burglar get up.
Prince: Well, the guy had a weird diamond encrusted mask and black Swarovski crystals on his hoo-
Bey: Kanye and his sister-minions
Prince: Lol Kanye West?
Prince: Why would that douchebag be here?
Bey: Because Tyler can’t keep his mouth shut
Prince: I don’t know why you let that boy in your house
Bey: I don’t know why I let you in my house. I am on my way.
Bey: Solo, we have to go.
Aretha: So, soon? We have to write my songs.
Bey: So Juventud isn’t gonna kill her?
Aretha: I’d prefer it, honestly
Solo: No, Ms. Franklin. Please.
Bey: Then you help her write the damn song. Shit.
Taraji: Ima stay. I want to hear about more murders.
Aretha: You the feds?
Bey: I’m leaving.
*Beyoncé leaves Aretha’s fifth home and walks down the street to unass Nightwilllow from Alfonso’s fence*
Alfonso: Oh, hello, Beyoncé. I didn’t see you there.
*Alfonso Ribeiro comes from behind Nightwilllow wearing a silver Tom Ford suit*
Alfonso: Do you need assistance?
Bey: Yes. Please get yourself away from me.
Alfonso: Hahahahaha. You are an ar-eye-oh-tee riot lol
Bey: Why would you ask me for assistance and then not assist me
Alfonso: Look, hey, I was hoping we could go to dinner an-
Bey: I release an album about infidelity and you, a married dumb ass, asks me, a married woman out to dinner
Alfonso: You didn’t let me finish heh heh
Alfonso: We could go on a double date! I’d love to meet Jay! and Blue!
Bey: And I’d love to meet your dignity
*Beyoncé mounts Nightwillow*
Bey: Do the Carlton dance
Alfonso: *Does the Carlton dance*
*Beyoncé rides off towards her home to undo all of the stupid shit going on right now*
*Meanwhile, in Prince’s secret villapartment, KKK frantically search for an escape from the unknown gas shooting from the ceiling*
*Kendall emerges from the pink pool as Kanye and Kylie search the rooms for an exit*
Kendall: There’s a grate underwater. I think we can use it to get out.
*Kanye dives underwater to look for the grate and also spots an interesting engraving on the marble island*
*Kendall begins pulling the grate*
*Kanye swims in closer and realizes it is a sculpture of a woman. He feels around the engraving and finds a button on, you guessed it, the clitoris*
*Kanye swims back up for air and sees Kylie snapchatting herself jerking off a fertility statue*
Kylie: Oh my god, what!?
Kanye: NOT ONLY IS THAT DISRESPECTFUL, BUT YOU ARE WASTING TIME. IF YOU DIE, YOUR SISTERS WILL KILL ME.
Kylie: Fine, gosh
Kanye: YOU KNOW, I USUALLY BRING DON C AND MANO FOR SHIT LIKE THIS BUT KHLOE REALLY VOUCHED FOR YOU GUYS
Kylie: Cool, I guess
*KKK head back under water where Kanye goes directly to the engraving. He presses the button between the statues legs and slides 3 fingers into a hole beneath it. The grate suddenly slides open and KKK swim towards it*
*Meanwhile, Jay Z, Lil Mama and Azealia Banks pull up outside of a basic looking duplex in queens somewhere*
Azealia: Okay, we’re fucking here
Jay: Such a foul mouth
Azealia: And Kingdom Come was such a foul album
*They walk up to the duplex and Azealia presses in a code to unlock the door. They walk up like 3 flights of stairs before Azealia pulls out keys and unlocks the apartment door*
*They walk into a modern art nuevo what the fuck full of white furniture and paintings that stuck up people won’t admit are ugly*
Jay: When you said shitty, I thought you meant like
Azealia: Like poor? Wow, fuck you. All of this was paid for by generous white cuckolds, I’ll have you know
Lil Mama: cuckold?
Azealia: Yes, cuckolds. Watch-me-fuck-black-men-and-drink-the-nut cuckolds
Jay: Could’ve done without that
*Azealia walks past the living room and to a door bearing a knob with a keyhole. Azealia turns around and one foot donkey kicks the door*
Azealia: A camel and a cockroach came to see you.
*The door opens to show frank Ocean in an elaborate ice blue kaftan and mahfuckin uhhhhh Bruce Lee shoes*
Frank: Azealia, I always ask tha-
Frank: Mr. Carter! Niatia!
Frank:. . . I’ve been found
Jay: I’m starting to think this wasn’t a kidnapping at all.
Frank: It wasn’t
Lil Mama: Gasp!
Jay: So. . . you voluntarily moved in with her?
Frank: You see, fame just came so fast and to be thrown into the A-list so swiftly . . .
Frank: They found Earl, so I knew they’d find me. I decided to try someplace where people would never look
Jay: And no one looks at Azealia
Frank: Exactly. Her personality is so off-putting that the paparazzi don’t even look for her any more.
Azealia: I’m still here, bitch
Jay: but why does she have your phone?
Frank: Hers is off and it’s not like I’m using mine.
Jay: You know you could’ve stayed with me and Bey
Frank: So everyone would know where to come ask for new songs? No thanks
Frank: No offense, I love you guys, but I love my solitude even more
Jay: I respect that
Azealia: Now kiss
Jay: Well, you know me and Bey are always working on new stuff that we’d love help on. Plus having you around might keep the lady a little more calm lol.
Azealia: Wow, just like black men to completely ignore the black woman, right, Niatia
Lil Mama: And I’d love for you to teach me yoga techniques and whatever you be doing
Frank: Minuswell now that you know where I am. No music stuff, though
Lil Mama: No music stuff. Got It.
Jay: So I guess I’ll just let Bey know you’re safe.
Azealia: This is gay
Frank: and let her know I miss her. I’ll have to tour and be in the open eventually, so this won’t be the last time we cross paths this year
Azealia: *screams at the top of her lungs*
Jay: On that note, I’m gone. Peace, Frankie. We have to get Ava Duvernay.
Frank: Ava is here? Why didn’t you bring her? She’s hilarious.
Jay: She–How do you even know each other?
Frank: I was supposed to be in a movie.
Frank: Turns out there was no movie. She just tricked me and Jussie Smollett into wrestling in singlets.
Frank: It was. . . nice though. The cinematography was excellent.
*Frank gives Jay and Lil Mama hugs before they exit the apartment. Azealia put her arms up for a hug but no one noticed*
*Back at the Carter mansion, Prince sits on a floating chair in the basement pool and practically falls asleep until*
??? : Wake up, Mr. Prince
Prince: Who the fudge?
*At the end of the pool stands a college-aged black girl with short blue dreadlocks, a 60 year old white woman in Lululemon workout clothes and an approximately 6’2″ middle-aged black woman in a motorcycle jumpsuit like the one on kill bill*
Prince: Yay! Beyoncé finally sent me some lil buddies.
*Prince wiggles his fingers giddily*
Prince: Okay, the geriatric Anglo-Saxon can leave.
Kill Bill jumpsuit: That won’t be happening, sir.
Dreadlocks: The Queen, most glorious and heralded, insisted that we all come to protect you
Prince: Look, I might not be the tallest tool in the shed, but I can hold my own Prince: Who are y’all, anyway? Beyoncé doesn’t usually deal with people that don’t have Wikipedia entries.
Dreadlocks: I am NaomiCampbellWalk420, Princess of the Virginia Beyhive. Nice to meet you.
White Lady: BeckyWithTheGrayHair, Lieutenant of the California Beyhive. I’m a really big fan, really.
Kill Bill Jumpsuit: Slaybell, General of the West Coast Beyhive. Hello.
Slaybell: Queen Beyoncé, the blazing sun of Texas, America’s eagle and The World’s Blessing, contacted us and informed us that you were to be confiscated.
Prince: She may have meant consummated.
*Slaybell squints at Prince, causing him to squirm uneasily*
Prince: You’re not freaked out I’m alive?
BeckyGray: The Queen, her illuminated Majesty, alerted the top ranked of your feigned death. Under the impossible circumstances that anything should happen to the Queen, some of us shall converge on your location.
Prince: For little ol’ me, though? I am so flattered. This is charming.
Prince: which one of y’all gonna help a brother get out of the pool? I can’t inform y’all about the glory of jehovah from over here.
*As Prince attempts to paddle himself to the edge of the pool, Kanye, Kendall then Kylie pop their heads out of the center of the lavish oasis*
Slaybells: The So-Arrogant!
Naomi420: Lord of Assholes!
BeckyGray: The Fashion Jester!
Prince: So I see you found my favorite escape hatch. How you found out how many fingers to use is beyond me.
Kanye: How many–Oh. Yeah, I always use 3 fingers lol
Prince: That… says enough.
Naomi420: The Queen, Sword of Oshun and Killer of Dick, commanded that you and the Jenner Twins remain here.
Kanye: That’s fine. We need to talk anyway
Kanye: Did you call me a fashion jester?
Prince: So I assume you were looking for me. I’m here now.
Kanye: So you’re really alive?
Kanye: You’re a ghost?
Prince: No, dummy. I was being sarcastic.
Kanye: But why are you here? Why are these things happening?
Prince: Lol its funny, right
*flashback on dem folk*
*Prince rides his bike through his garden in his Paisley Park compound. Suddenly, a persian cat runs out in front of him*
*Prince screeches to a stop*
Prince: Aphrodite Honeycomb Rogers, what are you doing?
*Prince gets off of his bike and walks over to the cat*
Prince: Tsk tsk I don’t want my favorite pussy getting fleas
Prince: Well, 56th favorite
*Prince suddenly ducks as a tranquilizer dart flies over his head*
*He runs towards his bike before it’s peppered with bullets, forcing him to run and jump over a low wall by the road*
Prince: I really wish people put this much effort into getting George Zimmerman.
*Prince pulls some pellets out of the pocket of his velvet biking pants*
??? : You could always just surrender, baby.
Prince: And you could always go get back in your coffin, Madonna
Madonna: hahahaha I’ve always loved your sense of humor
Prince: I’ve always loved that you think I’m joking
Prince: I guess Warner Bros took it seriously when I said “over my dead body”
Madonna: You’ve long overstayed your welcome, Prince.
Prince: Talk about the pot calling the kettle old
*Madonna lifts a Tavor rifle closer to her armpit and looks down the scope. 3 Warner Bros agents slowly walk behind her.*
Madonna: Look, you know that you of all people can’t keep your rights to your work. You’re too prolific of a musician to have all of that profit to yourself.
Madonna: WB would prefer if you came to them with a heartbeat. You know, so you can make us more music.
Prince: Only if everyone accepts the light of Jehovah so that we may all continue partying in paradise forever
Madonna: Oh my God, shut the fu-
*3 pellets shoot from behind the wall and explode into clouds of dark gray smoke*
Madonna: *cough* find that little buttermilk asshole! *cough cough*
* the agents run in different directions out of the smoke as Madonna hacks and coughs into her left hand*
Madonna: I can’t beli-
*Prince jumps on to Madonna’s back and puts her in a rear naked choke*
Madonna: You think you’re. . . any worse than–ungh–Sean Penn?
*Madonna jumps backwards and lands on top of Prince*
*Madonna jumps up and scrambles for her rifle but when she turns around, Prince is gone*
Madonna: Son of a stupid ass goddamn bitch!
*Prince breathes heavily through his mouth and holds his nose in a sewer beneath Paisley Park as he looks at the plastic manhole cover he dropped through. He proceeds to lift his velvet pants as high as they can go and tip toe along the tunnel walkway. . . *
Prince: So, yeah, I called Beyoncé and she agreed to let me renovate Blue Ivy’s old playroom into my own playroom, which any of you who are welcome to see.
Prince: She picked me up in her Ferrari while I’m smelling like dag-on waste, and we’ve been roommates ever since.
Bey: I wouldn’t say roommates
*meanwhile in New York, Jay Z, Lil Mama and Matthew McConaughey pull up to see Ava Duvernay at a craps game*
Jay: *rolls window down* Ava
Ava: Nigga give me my money.
Dude: Who this bitch talking to? She must think I’m one of these incense niggas
Ava: I think you a bitch cuz you won’t even address me
Dude: Call me another bi-
*Ava gives the nigga a straight right to the throat and he immediately starts wheezing and falling backwards*
One nigga: Ohhhh shit
*Ava walks around the dude and starts L’ing him out*
Ava: You don’t wanna listen and now you gotta go to bed early you fucking coward ass nigga
Other nigga: yo chill, I think he dying
Ava: Good. It’ll be easier to get my money
*One dude takes out his phone and starts recording footage*
*Ava pushes the guy over and runs his pockets. She gives a few bills to a random dude in a Polo.*
Ava: and here’s 200 for you for being cute
Polo guy: And what’s your name, ma?
Ava: Charlie Baltimore
*Ava snatches the phone from Snitchbitch McRecordingShit and jumps into the Uber with Jay and Lil Mama*
Jay: Okay, wow
Ava: Where’s my baby Frank?
Lil Mama: He’s staying wit-
Jay: His boyfriend in Honduras soon. We saved him and he caught a plane there.
Ava: This nigga smh
Jay: So you just choke niggas out in your spare time?
Ava: I got my money. I don’t really see what we need to discuss.
Jay: How many times have you done this
Ava: Its none of your business, but if we not counting sex, about 3 dozen times
Ava: One dozen was Don Cheadle
Ava: He play too fucking much
Ava: What happened to Azealia?
Jay: Skai Jackson ran her off twitter and she shut down and went into hiding
Jay: She let Frank go out of shame or something
Ava: well the little desiigner boy gonna be in my movie.
Ava: Oh, that’s right. You wanna be in my Coolie High remake, Lil Mama?
Lil Mama: Of course I would, Miss Ava! I would be honored!
Ava: “Miss Ava”. We like the same age, whore
Ava: We gonna show that bitch Tionne
Lil Mama: What?
Ava: And her giraffe
Matthew: Ava goddamn Duvernay
Ava: Matthew McLoughlin
Matthew: Hahaha, I haven’t seen you since the Oscar party
Ava: You the nigga from Reign of Fire?
Ava: That shit was ass, yo
Matthew: I hope it was your ass cuz that thang looking mighty fine
Ava: Why is he here?
*Moolah by Young Greatness plays from Ava’s pocket. She reaches in and pulls out her phone.*
Ava: Oh my god, you still mad about that
Ava: I don’t even remember the cat’s names
Ava: All of us?
Ava: I can’t just send some spit or some hair or some shit?
Ava: Put who on?
Ava: Bitch, bye
*Ava hangs up the phone*
Ava: So soon as I get back to Cali, I gotta go to Octavia Spencer house
Jay: What’s going on with her?
Ava: Remember I told you that we summoned a spirit at her house?
Ava: Wow, you don’t fucking listen. I see why Beyoncé embarrassing you like this
Ava: She need me and Viola there to get the ghost out or whatever
Lil Mama: So you saying ghosts are real.
Ava: I don’t know about all that, but I can say that blood came out that bitch bathroom sink.
Jay: You sure it was blood?
Ava: Nigga, you think I don’t know what blood look like?
Ava: Why don’t you try bleeding out your pussy once a month and asking that question again.
*Back at the Carter mansion*
BeckyGray: The Shining Goddess of Houston
Naomi420: The Lioness of the Dawn
SlayBells: The GodFlower
*The Beyhive soldiers kneel in unison in Beyoncé’s direction*
Bey: Ladies, you may stand.
*The hive leaders stand*
Bey: I want all of you imbeciles out of my favorite pool.
*Everyone swims to the pool edges*
Kanye: So you weren’t going to tell me about Prince?
Bey: It was clearly none of your goddamn business
Slaybell: Should I kill him?
Kanye: Wow. You’re treating me like Lemonade was about me.
Bey: You were one of the people “Suck my balls” was directed towards.
Kanye: Tyler thinks we’re in the illuminati
Bey: He also thought Sisqo was a real fairy
Kanye: Well clearly he was right about Prince
Bey: And so you fuck up my komodo dragons’ feeding schedule and break into my house
Kanye: You wouldn’t have told me
Kylie: Can I take a picture with you?
*Kylie walks over and takes her phone out to take a selfie*
*Naomi420 walks over and takes Kylie’s phone*
Bey: Has she taken pictures in my home?
*Naomi420 swipes through Kylie’s gallery*
Naomi420: . . . Yes
Bey: Destroy it
*Naomi420 throws the phone on the ground, pulls out a desert eagle and shoots it*
Kylie: That was my emergency phone!
Bey: Being that I can’t currently kill any of you, that means you will assist me in keeping Prince safe from Warner Bros.
Kanye: Wait, Warner Bros. is really trying to kill you? I thought that was a myth.
Prince: Well, I’m kind of a living legend and not many of those get their own masters and last long
Prince: I’m surprised they let Michael live so long after he bought the Beatles catalog
Bey: I’ve already called Taylor Swift. I want you alive but I don’t want your shenanigans.
Prince: Seriously? But it wasn’t even my fault this time! He broke into your house!
Kanye: How is any of this my fault? You’re the ones keeping secrets!
*Slaybell runs over and puts a katana up to Kanye’s neck*
Slaybell: You will watch your tone when addressing the Queen
Bey: Stand down, Slaybell
Bey: I don’t want you or a Kardashian in my home again without my permission
Bey: These 3 are my permanent bodyguards until further notice and they won’t have any qualms about killing any of you
Bey: Don’t kill Prince
Hive: Yes, Queen
Prince: I’m offended
BeckyGray: Everyone still thinks your dead anyway soooo
Bey: Don’t push it
*The doorbell rings to the tune of Sugar Mama*
Bey: Kanye, you stay with Prince and the Forever 21 twins
Bey: Kendall, I appreciate your silence. You are permitted more conversational leeway.
Kendall: Thank you, Mrs. Beyoncé
*Beyoncé and her bodyguards walk up the steps and to the door. Beyoncé lifts her hand in the air, makes a fist and pulls it down to her shoulder. The bodyguards disperse into the shadows*
*Beyoncé opens the door to find Bruno Mars and two men in storm cloud gray suits*
Bruno: Afternoon, Beyoncé.
Bruno: You look as lovely always.
Bey: And you still look like a Samoan lesbian.
Bruno: Ha, if I had a nickel. . .
Bruno: So Lemonade was amazing. A tour de force. I honestly shed a few tears.
Bey: Aww, thank you. I didn’t care, though.
Bruno: Of course a rose of your caliber would have such pointed thorns
Bey: Why are you here
Bruno: We want Prince.
Bey: Go find his ashes.
Bruno: That would be difficult being that he isn’t ashes yet
Bey: And how would you know
Bruno: WB has Kanye’s home AI tapped. They caught a whole conversation about Prince crawling on top Able Doglevee at your house
Bey: Well if he’s alive then why does the world think he’s dead?
Bruno: Well, Warner assumed he was dead after they shot his plane down in Illinois, but — Why am I telling you this?
Bruno: Give us Prince.
Bruno: You know that siphoning the flava from black music is a part of America’s culture. We’re part of a musical ecosystem.
Bruno: There’s never been an artist like him. He’s a gold mine. Warner Bros has every intention of making use of him until his death. He could be immortal if he so chose.
Bruno: Heh, you might get the same offer, Queen Beyoncé
*Beyoncé closes the door but Bruno sticks his foot in. The door suddenly bursts open, knocking Beyoncé to the ground*
*Bruno steps into the doorway*
*Bruno’s goons walk into the room only for SlayBell to decapitate one and gut the other*
*BeckyGray walks out with a Mossberg shotgun and Naomi420 walks out with twin sais*
*Slaybell runs to Beyoncé’s side*
Bey: Leave a corpse or leave alive
Bruno: This is certainly a predicament
*Bruno slowly reaches behind his back for his handgun only to get nailed in the back of the head with a full Arizona can*
*Bruno drops the gun just as he grabs it and stumbles towards Beyoncé who is now standing*
*She kicks the shit out of Bruno’s face*
Bey: I’ve wanted to do that to someone all day!
*The hive soldiers crowd around Beyoncé in a group hug and start laughing and hopping*
Cole: I mean you welcome
Beyoncé: Where did you come from?
Cole: I. . . just came from 7 11
Cole: I thought y’all would want Arizonas. Or an Oreo brownie. I saw your house door was open and thought I’d check on you.
Bey: You were unnecessary, but you may join
*J. Cole comes in and briefly hugs the four and then backs away*
Cole: Soooo Jay’s not he-
*a gunshot goes off and J. Cole is hit in the leg. Naomi420 baseball slides into Bruno Mars’ face, knocking him unconscious*
Cole: Bruno Mars shot me!
Bey: Naomi, Becky, take him to a hospital. A real one, not the one for peasants.
Naomi420 and BeckyGray: Yes, Queen
Cole: Can you tell Jay I still need that verse for Gone Past Average?
*Naomi lifts J. Cole by the arms and Becky lifts his legs and carries him to the garage*
SlayBell: what about Bruno?
Bey: Bring him to the basement
Bey: I have a feeling shit is about to hit the fan.
Bey: And I don’t like shit on my fans.
TO BE CONTINUED in Season 2 of
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