Charlemagne: And we’re back! We got Jay Z on the Breakfast Club trying to convince us he’s never had sex with anyone except Beyoncé.
Jay: False. You asked me about mediatakeout rumors.
Charlemagne: All of which you dodged like the Matrix
Jay: Regardless of my answer, yall not gonna believe me anyway hahahaha
Angela Yee: That’s not true
Charlemagne: Only if you say “No, I didn’t cheat”
DJ Envy: So Justin Timberlake putting out some new stuff
Charlemagne: Okay, that’s what we care about
DJ Envy: Did you like his new song?
Jay: It’s excellent. Blue loves it.
Angela Yee: Awww, Blue loves it
DJ Envy: Blue loves it, everybody!
Charlemagne: Y’all gonna make me throw-up
*Jay receives a text from Lil Mama saying to call her ASAP, no Rocky*
*She literally put that in the text*
Jay: If y’all don’t mind, I have to make a call.
Charlemagne: Domestic problems?
Jay: “Outside of your tax bracket” problems
*Jay walks outside of the studio and to the hallway*
Lil Mama: Jay! I found her!
Lil Mama: I started a fake instagram and pretended to be a dark-skinned businesswoman.
Lil Mama: I said one thing about her music and she jumped in my comments and called me a darkie and a black rat
Lil Mama: and my location was on lol
Jay: Where are you?
Lil Mama:… Outside of Power 105
Jay: Why would you bring her here?
Lil Mama: I figured why look for her when we can bring her to us?
Jay: Oh, you’ve got to … Look, I have an idea. Ima text you the details.
*Directly after being dropped off by Jay Z, Ava Duvernay walks into a plain looking building and looks for the studio. She takes the elevator to the 3rd floor and approaches a soundproof door. She presses a white button next to it and is buzzed into a room full of niggas that look the same except they either have dreadlocks or fitted hats. Future is the oh shit
Desiigner is the only one with neither*
Ava: Okay, which one of you niggas made Panda?
Desiigner: That would be me, Ms. Duvernay hahaha
*Desiigner puts his homeboy in a fireman’s carry and walks over to Ava*
Desiigner: I must say I am quite the fan of your work. Middle of Nowhere made me look at the life of the contemporary black woman in a whole new light.
Ava: Who paid you to say that?
Desiigner: This is the Life was also great. I hadn’t heard of Pigeon John before I saw it.
Ava: Are you trying to have sex with me, fam?
Desiigner: No no, not at all lol. As a signee of GOOD music, I’m not allowed to consummate or spend time with women of African descent that aren’t musicians or models.
Ava: Are you serious?
*Desiigner puts his friend down*
Desiigner: For the duration of my contract
Ava: Ima sock that nigga Kanye in his whole mouth
Desiigner: Yes, it seems that the music industry isn’t what I originally thought… So who will I be playing in Cooley High?
Ava: You playing Stone, one of the gang dudes, but your name gonna be Zan. We gonna get DJ Mustard to play your friend Lean.
Desiigner: Zan with that Lean, eh? Lol. I expected remake to mean, you know, remake.
Ava: Nah, the new shit is to take an old movie and basically make it a continuation of the story in the 21st Century. In this version of Cooley High, Preach has two rapping grandkids named Sauce and Swagger Dog
Desiigner: oh boy
Ava: Yeah, appealing to them cracker dackers
Desiigner: lol indeed
Ava: Look, why you talk like Frasier but rap like Future?
Desiigner: Funny story
*Its flashback time, fam*
Kanye: This Fetty Wap shit not gonna fly. If he should be biting anyone, it’s Future.
Pusha T: Do you use the Internet? Everybody sounds like Future, man.
Pusha T: We’ve all used his flow at some point
Kanye: But his flow didn’t get him a Grammy
Pusha T: lmao and you think Desiigner will get a Grammy off of imitating him?
Kanye: Wanna bet on it? With the right marketing and the proper amount of playfulness, he can go viral.
Pusha T: Last time we made a bet, I became president of GOOD music. What do you wanna bet, Ye?
Kanye: If Desiigner hits #1 with Future’s juice, you have to babysit Nori and Saint once a week every month for a year. If he flops, you get the masters to all of my pre-Yeezus albums.
Pusha T: Deal
Kanye: Hahaha, You’re underestimating me
Desiigner: Hey, I’m here
Kanye: Scrap that “killin the booty and now she dead ass” shit and we gonna work on some future type shit
Desiigner: What is Future going to think
Kanye: He’s not gonna care. He’s rich now or whatever.
Kanye: All we have to do is not admit he sounds like Future
Pusha T: This is going to be hilarious
Desiigner: And here I am. They thought that the Future imitating thing was so funny that they had me debut a song called Pluto at South by Southwest.
Ava: Yeah, that shit was petty.
Desiigner: Eh, at least I’m getting paid
Ava: If I thought “at least I’m getting paid” I would’ve put Scarlett Johansson in Selma as one of Dr. King’s white mistresses
Ava: The studio wanted it. They were like “Look, if he not gonna dickride white people, then we need a white person to give him the ideas that make him successful.”
Ava: Hollywood a coke riddled bitch, ain’t it?
Ava: Ima need you in Chicago next month for promo pics and some filming. I’ll have my people talk to your people about the specifics.
Desiigner: Wonderful! I look forward to my first acting endeavor.
Desiigner: Would you like to hear some of my debut album? I’d be honored if you took a listen.
Ava: Nah, I got Beast Mode on my phone already.
Ava: So none of you niggas gonna pass me the blunt?
*an Uber XL pulls up to the Power 105 station and releases the midnight mantis-esque figure of Azealia Banks. She scans the area and begins to check her twitter*
Azealia: if this fucking cunt thought I wasn’t gonna split her shit hahahahahahahahahaa oh my god, she is incorrect
???: Is that Azealia Bank? I think I can recognize that the Grudge weave from your instagram.
Azealia: WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT!?
*A figure in a black pencil skirt with a matching blazer stands half a block from Azealia. A big black hat covers the top half of her face*
Azealia: I’m going to pull your eyelids off, you fucking funeral outfit nigger slut.
*As Azealia prowled towards the figure, an Uber XL pulls up and the woman in black begins to get into the back seat*
*Azealia begins to charge at the Uber, awkwardly stumbling in her heels like a zombie on adderall*
Azealia: You will rue this day, cunt!
*Azealia grabs the door of the Uber before it can close, only to catch a handkerchief of chloroform to the face*
*Lil Mama helps Jay pull Azealia into the Uber and closes the door*
Lil Mama: Wow, I can’t believe this really worked!
Jay: I don’t know why. This was extremely simple.
Lil Mama: Chloroform works really fast. What does it even sm-
*Lil Mama sniffs the Chloroform hanky only to pass out immediately*
Jay: So, uh, good thing you had this on you. I thought I would have to uppercut her lol.
Matthew McConaughey: No problem, bud. Sometimes you gotta bring the sun to the beach, know what I’m saying?
Jay: So are all of the white actors driving Ubers now, or
Matthew: Lol what are you talking about, Hovito? I do this because it’s a great way to meet new people.
Matthew: Humans become so personal with strangers that are serving them, ya know? They give me a big ol pitcher of inspiration and I guzzle it down
Matthew: Come on, man, I’m not Beanie Siegel or something
Jay: Can you just keep being an Uber driver?
Jay: and drive?
Matthew: Sure, sure. Are you keeping the little one?
Jay: The little what?
Matthew: The little ebony with the pencil ski-
Jay: Drive the vehicle, my nigga
*Matthew turns around and pulls off*
*Kanye attempts to turn the symbol on the door to no avail*
Kanye: This is incredible. Like, is this a wall?
Kylie: Can I take a
Kanye: Don’t say selfie, Kylie
Kanye: Kylie, please
Kendall: For 10 minutes
Kanye: Okay… if this is prince, right, hahaha
Kanye: I want to try something
Kanye: Kylie, Kendall, I want both of you to grab the shaft, uhh, bottom of the symbol thing and push it clockwise
*Kylie and Kendall grab the bottom of the symbol*
Kendall: That’s this way
Kylie: I know how clocks work
*The symbol moves as Kylie and Kendall rotate it and cause the door to move backwards and then lift into the air*
Kanye: A door only women can open. This is genius. Steve Jobs level.
*KKK walk into an enormous Roman bathhouse ass room that is centered by a large pool. The pool is lit with pink lights that shine from beneath the water. The center of the pool bears a marble island that hosts a large statue of an all woman orgy with Prince sticking out of the top like a stem on an apple*
*The room is surrounded by pillow-filled rooms that are curtained off with layers of silk sheets*
Kanye: Hahaha dog what is going on right now?
Kanye: Why would Jay summon ghosts and not involve me? Niggas would wanna know about ghosts, you know?
Kanye: Is this some sort of temple or something? Like, wow, yo
*Kanye walks around the pool and spots an open room at the end. The room features an unreasonably large bed with velvet sheets and pillows embroidered with biblical scriptures*
Kanye: Can you believe thKYLIE
*Kylie is directly behind Kanye taking a selfie in front of the large statue*
Kylie: this thing is awesome, I’m sorry
Kanye: give me that phone please
*Kanye walks towards Kylie to take the phone when suddenly the marble prince spins towards him*
Prince’s voice: uh oh, it seems that I have intruders.
Kanye: Is that you, Prince!? Are you here on earth?
Prince’s voice: I have low tolerance for the uninvited, especially of the male gender
Kanye: Ah hahaha I didn’t consider that there would be, like, dick detectors
Kylie: Why not? Khloe has them in her home to find Lamar whenever he hides from her.
Kanye: Wait, wait, why does no one tell me these things?
*KKK hear a hiss and look up to see gas spraying from the ceiling. They also hear the sound of the door they came in through closing hastily*
Kanye: … Scary
Kendall: KANYE, WE’RE GOING TO DIE!
*Azealia Banks suddenly wakes up tied to a chair in a dumb swank apartment living room with Salvador Dali paintings and portraits of dead new york rappers*
Azealia: What the fuck is this? Did I die and go to Puff Daddy’s house?
Azealia: Oh my god. It’s you.
Jay: Yes, it’s me.
Azealia: I can’t believe you cheated on Beyoncé, you little dicked loser.
Jay: Whoa, whoa. Where did that come from?
Azealia: And is that Lil Mama? Is that who you’re cheating on Beyoncé with? Wow
Lil Mama: We’re here for Frank
Azealia: I killed him
Lil Mama: Gasp!
Jay: No you didn’t. Where is he?
Azealia: In Hell, where all the faggots go harharhar
Jay: You’re testing my patience, Azealia
Azealia: And you’re testing mine. I bet it turns you onto have a little black girl tied to a chair. Probably one of your nasty fantasies that made you go cheat on Beyoncé, Queen of the Lame Bitches.
Jay: That’s it
*Jay Z sits down on his couch, takes out reading glasses and proceeds to use his phone. Lil Mama sits in the couch perpendicular to his and begins using her phone also*
Azealia: What? You about to cry on tidal?
Azealia: Why are you even here, Niatia? Shouldn’t you be out buying some titties?
Azealia: And an ass while you’re at it.
Azealia: Jesus dog fucking christ, you make me look like Tahiry.
Azealia: I bet you suck Jay Zs dick real good, huh?
Azealia: Look like you’re 14, suck dick like you’re 21 and you’re really 34 lmao
Lil Mama: Did you see Civil War yet, Jay?
Jay: Nah, Beyoncé’s not letting me do anything straight men enjoy right now
Lil Mama: Aw, man, it was awesome! I loved spider man, but T’Challa? That’s my boo
Azealia: NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT A SUPERHERO MOVIE
Lil Mama: and he was like “how long do you think you can hide your friend from me” and I was like “shit, I would hide my friends from him, too” lol
Jay: I did see Zootopia, though.
Azealia: Oh my fucking God, you sound like a couple of dipshits
Azealia: You should piss on Niatia’s face so I can get a good laugh
Jay: Yeah there were themes of, like, discrimination and shit
Lil Mama: Yeah, I always wondered about cartoon animals. How do dogs live with cats, you know? How do Falcons live with… worms?
Azealia: Falcons don’t eat worms, you stupid coon midget. I bet your IQ matches the amount of months you were relevant.
Jay: Falcons eat mice and stuff, I think.
Jay: The only thing I know about Falcons is that they won’t win a super bowl.
Lil Mama: Lmaooooooo
Azealia: LOOK AT ME. STOP IGNORING ME.
Jay: You know whose album I liked? Kaytranada
Azealia: YOU KNOW WHOSE ALBUM I LIKED? YOUR WIFE’S. ESPECIALLY THE 4 SONGS WHERE SHE TALKS ABOUT LEAVING YOU AND YOUR BEANBAG CHAIR LIPS
Lil Mama: Kaytranada is wonderful. I hope I can work with him one day
Azealia: HAHAHAHA NO ONE WANTS TO W
Jay: You should go for it. Sky is the limit, you know
Azealia: HE’S IN A SHITTY APARTMENT IN QUEENS
Jay: I used to want to work with DJ Premier and it happened for me. You should never give up on your dreams.
Lil Mama: Wow.
Lil Mama: That’s the most inspirational thing anyone has said to me today.
Jay: Just today?
Lil Mama: I have an instagram and a fanbase, you know
Azealia: I’LL TAKE YOU TO FRANK. PLEASE LOOK AT ME.
Azealia: Just know I exist. . .
*lil mama and Jay Z look at each other*
Lil Mama: So Empire was crazy, right?
Azealia: *screams at the top of her lungs*
Jay: Okay, okay. Let’s go to the Ocean hahaha
TO BE CONTINUED
Azealia: that was fucking corny
PART 10 Next week