The Lemons Part 9

PART 1  PART 2  PART 3  PART 4  PART 5  PART 6  PART 7  PART 8

 

 

 

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Charlemagne: And we’re back! We got Jay Z on the Breakfast Club trying to convince us he’s never had sex with anyone except Beyoncé.

Jay: False. You asked me about mediatakeout rumors.

Charlemagne: All of which you dodged like the Matrix

Jay: Regardless of my answer, yall not gonna believe me anyway hahahaha

Angela Yee: That’s not true

Charlemagne: Only if you say “No, I didn’t cheat”

DJ Envy: So Justin Timberlake putting out some new stuff

Charlemagne: Okay, that’s what we care about

DJ Envy: Did you like his new song?

Jay: It’s excellent. Blue loves it.

Angela Yee: Awww, Blue loves it

DJ Envy: Blue loves it, everybody!

Charlemagne: Y’all gonna make me throw-up

 

*Jay receives a text from Lil Mama saying to call her ASAP, no Rocky*

*She literally put that in the text*

 

Jay: If y’all don’t mind, I have to make a call.

Charlemagne: Domestic problems?

Jay: “Outside of your tax bracket” problems

 

*Jay walks outside of the studio and to the hallway*

 

Jay: Yo

Lil Mama: Jay! I found her!

Jay: Where?

Lil Mama: I started a fake instagram and pretended to be a dark-skinned businesswoman.

Lil Mama: I said one thing about her music and she jumped in my comments and called me a darkie and a black rat

Jay: Okay?

Lil Mama: and my location was on lol

Jay: Where are you?

Lil Mama:… Outside of Power 105

Jay: Why would you bring her here?

Lil Mama: I figured why look for her when we can bring her to us?

Jay: Oh, you’ve got to … Look, I have an idea. Ima text you the details.

 

*Directly after being dropped off by Jay Z, Ava Duvernay walks into a plain looking building and looks for the studio. She takes the elevator to the 3rd floor and approaches a soundproof door. She presses a white button next to it and is buzzed into a room full of niggas that look the same except they either have dreadlocks or fitted hats. Future is the oh shit

Desiigner is the only one with neither*

 

Ava: Okay, which one of you niggas made Panda?

Desiigner: That would be me, Ms. Duvernay hahaha

*Desiigner puts his homeboy in a fireman’s carry and walks over to Ava*

Desiigner: I must say I am quite the fan of your work. Middle of Nowhere made me look at the life of the contemporary black woman in a whole new light.

Ava: Who paid you to say that?

Desiigner: This is the Life was also great. I hadn’t heard of Pigeon John before I saw it.

Ava: Are you trying to have sex with me, fam?

Desiigner: No no, not at all lol. As a signee of GOOD music, I’m not allowed to consummate or spend time with women of African descent that aren’t musicians or models.

Ava: Are you serious?

 

*Desiigner puts his friend down*

 

Desiigner: For the duration of my contract

Ava: Ima sock that nigga Kanye in his whole mouth

Desiigner: Yes, it seems that the music industry isn’t what I originally thought… So who will I be playing in Cooley High?

Ava: You playing Stone, one of the gang dudes, but your name gonna be Zan. We gonna get DJ Mustard to play your friend Lean.

Desiigner: Zan with that Lean, eh? Lol. I expected remake to mean, you know, remake.

Ava: Nah, the new shit is to take an old movie and basically make it a continuation of the story in the 21st Century. In this version of Cooley High, Preach has two rapping grandkids named Sauce and Swagger Dog

Desiigner: oh boy

Ava: Yeah, appealing to them cracker dackers

Desiigner: lol indeed

Ava: Look, why you talk like Frasier but rap like Future?

Desiigner: Funny story

 

*Its flashback time, fam*

 

Kanye: This Fetty Wap shit not gonna fly. If he should be biting anyone, it’s Future.

Pusha T: Do you use the Internet? Everybody sounds like Future, man.

Pusha T: We’ve all used his flow at some point

Kanye:  But his flow didn’t get him a Grammy

Pusha T: lmao and you think Desiigner will get a Grammy off of imitating him?

Kanye: Wanna bet on it? With the right marketing and the proper amount of playfulness, he can go viral.

Pusha T: Last time we made a bet, I became president of GOOD music. What do you wanna bet, Ye?

Kanye: If Desiigner hits #1 with Future’s juice, you have to babysit Nori and Saint once a week every month for a year. If he flops, you get the masters to all of my pre-Yeezus albums.

Pusha T: Deal

Kanye: Hahaha, You’re underestimating me

Desiigner: Hey, I’m here

Kanye: Scrap that “killin the booty and now she dead ass” shit and we gonna work on some future type shit

Desiigner: What is Future going to think

Kanye: He’s not gonna care. He’s rich now or whatever.

Kanye: All we have to do is not admit he sounds like Future

Pusha T: This is going to be hilarious

 

*flashback over*

 

Desiigner: And here I am. They thought that the Future imitating thing was so funny that they had me debut a song called Pluto at South by Southwest.

Ava: Yeah, that shit was petty.

Desiigner: Eh, at least I’m getting paid

Ava: If I thought “at least I’m getting paid” I would’ve put Scarlett Johansson in Selma as one of Dr. King’s white mistresses

Desiigner: Why?

Ava: The studio wanted it. They were like “Look, if he not gonna dickride white people, then we need a white person to give him the ideas that make him successful.”

Desiigner: Wow

Ava: Hollywood a coke riddled bitch, ain’t it?

Ava: Ima need you in Chicago next month for promo pics and some filming. I’ll have my people talk to your people about the specifics.

Desiigner: Wonderful! I look forward to my first acting endeavor.

Desiigner: Would you like to hear some of my debut album? I’d be honored if you took a listen.

Ava: Nah, I got Beast Mode on my phone already.

Ava: So none of you niggas gonna pass me the blunt?

 

*an Uber XL pulls up to the Power 105 station and releases the midnight mantis-esque figure of Azealia Banks. She scans the area and begins to check her twitter*

 

Azealia: if this fucking cunt thought I wasn’t gonna split her shit hahahahahahahahahaa oh my god, she is incorrect

 

???: Is that Azealia Bank? I think I can recognize that the Grudge weave from your instagram.

 

Azealia: WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT!?

 

*A figure in a black pencil skirt with a matching blazer stands half a block from Azealia. A big black hat covers the top half of her face*

 

Azealia: I’m going to pull your eyelids off, you fucking funeral outfit nigger slut.

 

*As Azealia prowled towards the figure, an Uber  XL pulls up and the woman in black begins to get into the back seat*

 

*Azealia begins to charge at the Uber, awkwardly stumbling in her heels like a zombie on adderall*

 

Azealia: You will rue this day, cunt!

 

*Azealia grabs the door of the Uber before it can close, only to catch a handkerchief of chloroform to the face*

 

*Lil Mama helps Jay pull Azealia into the Uber and closes the door*

 

Lil Mama: Wow, I can’t believe this really worked!

Jay: I don’t know why. This was extremely simple.

Lil Mama: Chloroform works really fast. What does it even sm-

 

*Lil Mama sniffs the Chloroform hanky only to pass out immediately*

 

Jay: So, uh, good thing you had this on you. I thought I would have to uppercut her lol.

Matthew McConaughey: No problem, bud. Sometimes you gotta bring the sun to the beach, know what I’m saying?

Jay: So are all of the white actors driving Ubers now, or

Matthew: Lol what are you talking about, Hovito? I do this because it’s a great way to meet new people.

Matthew: Humans become so personal with strangers that are serving them, ya know? They give me a big ol pitcher of inspiration and I guzzle it down

Jay:

Jay:

Matthew: Come on, man, I’m not Beanie Siegel or something

Jay: Can you just keep being an Uber driver?

Jay: and drive?

Matthew: Sure, sure. Are you keeping the little one?

Jay: The little what?

Matthew: The little ebony with the pencil ski-

Jay: Drive the vehicle, my nigga

 

*Matthew turns around and pulls off*

 

*Kanye attempts to turn the symbol on the door to no avail*

 

Kanye: This is incredible. Like, is this a wall?

Kylie: Can I take a

Kanye: Don’t say selfie, Kylie

Kylie: I

Kanye: Kylie, please

Kendall: For 10 minutes

Kanye: Okay… if this is prince, right, hahaha

Kanye: I want to try something

Kanye: Kylie, Kendall, I want both of you to grab the shaft, uhh, bottom of the symbol thing and push it clockwise

 

*Kylie and Kendall grab the bottom of the symbol*

 

Kendall: That’s this way

Kylie: I know how clocks work

 

*The symbol moves as Kylie and Kendall rotate it and cause the door to move backwards and then lift into the air*

 

Kanye: A door only women can open. This is genius. Steve Jobs level.

 

*KKK walk into an enormous Roman bathhouse ass room that is centered by a large pool. The pool is lit with pink lights that shine from beneath the water. The center of the pool bears a marble island that hosts a large statue of an all woman orgy with Prince sticking out of the top like a stem on an apple*

 

*The room is surrounded by pillow-filled rooms that are curtained off with layers of silk sheets*

 

Kanye: Hahaha dog what is going on right now?

Kanye: Why would Jay summon ghosts and not involve me? Niggas would wanna know about ghosts, you know?

Kendall: Exactly

Kanye: Is this some sort of temple or something? Like, wow, yo

 

*Kanye walks around the pool and spots an open room at the end. The room features an unreasonably large bed with velvet sheets and pillows embroidered with biblical scriptures*

 

Kanye: Can you believe thKYLIE

*Kylie is directly behind Kanye taking a selfie in front of the large statue*

Kylie: this thing is awesome, I’m sorry

Kanye: give me that phone please

 

*Kanye walks towards Kylie to take the phone when suddenly the marble prince spins towards him*

 

Prince’s voice: uh oh, it seems that I have intruders.

Kanye: Is that you, Prince!? Are you here on earth?

Prince’s voice: I have low tolerance for the uninvited, especially of the male gender

Kanye: Ah hahaha I didn’t consider that there would be, like, dick detectors

Kylie: Why not? Khloe has them in her home to find Lamar whenever he hides from her.

Kanye: Wait, wait, why does no one tell me these things?

 

*KKK hear a hiss and look up to see gas spraying from the ceiling. They also hear the sound of the door they came in through closing hastily*

 

Kanye: … Scary

 

Kanye:

 

Kanye: Sc-

 

Kendall: KANYE, WE’RE GOING TO DIE!

 

*Azealia Banks suddenly wakes up tied to a chair in a dumb swank apartment living room with Salvador Dali paintings and portraits of dead new york rappers*

 

Azealia: What the fuck is this? Did I die and go to Puff Daddy’s house?

Jay: Close

Azealia: Oh my god. It’s you.

Jay: Yes, it’s me.

Azealia: I can’t believe you cheated on Beyoncé, you little dicked loser.

Jay: Whoa, whoa. Where did that come from?

Azealia: And is that Lil Mama? Is that who you’re cheating on Beyoncé with? Wow

Lil Mama: We’re here for Frank

Azealia: I killed him

Lil Mama: Gasp!

Jay: No you didn’t. Where is he?

Azealia: In Hell, where all the faggots go harharhar

Jay: You’re testing my patience, Azealia

Azealia: And you’re testing mine. I bet it turns you onto have a little black girl tied to a chair. Probably one of your nasty fantasies that made you go cheat on Beyoncé, Queen of the Lame Bitches.

Jay: That’s it

 

*Jay Z sits down on his couch, takes out reading glasses and proceeds to use his phone. Lil Mama sits in the couch perpendicular to his and begins using her phone also*

 

Azealia: What? You about to cry on tidal?

Azealia: Why are you even here, Niatia? Shouldn’t you be out buying some titties?

Azealia: And an ass while you’re at it.

Azealia: Jesus dog fucking christ, you make me look like Tahiry.

Azealia: I bet you suck Jay Zs dick real good, huh?

Azealia: Look like you’re 14, suck dick like you’re 21 and you’re really 34 lmao

Lil Mama: Did you see Civil War yet, Jay?

Jay: Nah, Beyoncé’s not letting me do anything straight men enjoy right now

Lil Mama: Aw, man, it was awesome! I loved spider man, but T’Challa? That’s my boo

Azealia: NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT A SUPERHERO MOVIE

Lil Mama: and he was like “how long do you think you can hide your friend from me” and I was like “shit, I would hide my friends from him, too” lol

Jay: I did see Zootopia, though.

Azealia: Oh my fucking God, you sound like a couple of dipshits

Azealia: You should piss on Niatia’s face so I can get a good laugh

Jay: Yeah there were themes of, like, discrimination and shit

Lil Mama: Yeah, I always wondered about cartoon animals. How do dogs live with cats, you know? How do Falcons live with… worms?

Azealia: Falcons don’t eat worms, you stupid coon midget. I bet your IQ matches the amount of months you were relevant.

Jay: Falcons eat mice and stuff, I think.

Jay: The only thing I know about Falcons is that they won’t win a super bowl.

Lil Mama: Lmaooooooo

Azealia: LOOK AT ME. STOP IGNORING ME.

Jay: You know whose album I liked? Kaytranada

Azealia: YOU KNOW WHOSE ALBUM I LIKED? YOUR WIFE’S. ESPECIALLY THE 4 SONGS WHERE SHE TALKS ABOUT LEAVING YOU AND YOUR BEANBAG CHAIR LIPS

Lil Mama: Kaytranada is wonderful. I hope I can work with him one day

Azealia: HAHAHAHA NO ONE WANTS TO W

Jay: You should go for it. Sky is the limit, you know

Azealia: HE’S IN A SHITTY APARTMENT IN QUEENS

Jay: I used to want to work with DJ Premier and it happened for me. You should never give up on your dreams.

Lil Mama: Wow.

Lil Mama: That’s the most inspirational thing anyone has said to me today.

Jay: Just today?

Lil Mama: I have an instagram and a fanbase, you know

Azealia: I’LL TAKE YOU TO FRANK. PLEASE LOOK AT ME.

Azealia: Just know I exist. . .

 

*lil mama and Jay Z look at each other*

 

Lil Mama:

Lil Mama: So Empire was crazy, right?

Azealia: *screams at the top of her lungs*

Jay: Okay, okay. Let’s go to the Ocean hahaha

 

TO BE CONTINUED

 

Azealia: that was fucking corny

PART 10 Next week

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6 thoughts on “The Lemons Part 9

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