Solo: but why
Bey: You’ll have to ask her. I use my music to shame men and no one else.
Solo: But you’ll help her?
Bey: I’ll discuss it, at least… She is one of the foremothers, after all.
Solo: But so is Patti
Bey: Well if I have to choose between the two, I’m choosing the one that made Mariah Carey cry
*Beyoncé remembers that one time at a Grammy party in 2010*
Mariah: So Jermaine Dupri throws the octopus out the window and it lands on Missy Elliott
Mariah: We look outside and she looks up, shrugs her shoulders and starts doing the bankhead bounce lmao
Bey: oh, look, Aretha is coming over!
Mariah: Oh. Great.
Aretha: Beyoncé! Congratulations on song of the year, girl. You tryna come for my throne? I’ll kill you lol
Bey: Hi, Ms. Franklin! How are you?
Aretha: You can call me Aretha, baby.
Aretha: I’m still alive, so none of these bitches birthday wishes working lol
Bey: omg lol
Mariah: Hello, Aretha
Aretha: It’s Ms. Franklin
Mariah: lol we’ve met like a hundred times
Aretha: A hundred too much…
Aretha: I know who you are, Jessica Simpson. I’m telling you to call me Ms. Franklin.
Aretha: And I have to say, I’m kind of offended your servant is black.
Mariah: First, stop confusing me with random white women. Second, this is my husband Nick Cannon-Carey.
Aretha: Nick Cannon? You a porno star?
Nick Cannon: No ma’am. I rap an-
*Mariah pinches Nick’s thigh*
Mariah: When we’re in public, you are the host of X Factor and that’s it. Okay, boo?
Nick Cannon: But baby that’s Aretha Fr-
Aretha: No, she’s right. I don’t care about your rap songs.
Nick Cannon: But I made Gigolo…
Aretha: Wait, Gigolo? The song with R. Kelly?
Nick Cannon: Yes!
Aretha: Okay, is your ego stroked? Can you get away from me now?
Nick: Yes, ma’am
Mariah: Wait in the car please
Aretha: You need to learn how to control your sex slaves, Mandy Moore
Mariah: I am Mariah. Carey. M-A-R-I
Aretha: You making me talk too much. Can you go get me some water, Avril Lavigne?
*Mariah makes a face like somebody came in her mouth without permission and storms off*
*Beyoncé and Whitney Houston finally bust out laughing*
*Beyoncé stops remembering*
Solo: How did you know she started crying?
Beyoncé: Whitney chased after her and recorded it on her phone
Taraji: So you bitches didn’t think I wanted to ride horses?
*They realize that Taraji is driving next to them in a Tesla Model S*
Bey: I don’t like things that can sneak up on me
Taraji: Next time I’ll drive my Lamborghini, then
Taraji: So y’all playing Gang of Roses or some shit
Taraji: Horse shitting all in the street
Bey: We’re going to Aretha Franklin’s
Taraji: I’m coming
Taraji: Because it’s Aretha Franklin. You an SAT now?
*Meanwhile, Mama T and Blue continue their ladies day out*
Blue: So Stuffy sang a song about how you should always love your friends and then he gave Lambie a hug.
Mama T: Baby, that’s so nice. I love when you talk about things.
Blue: You sound bored
Caitlyn: Hey, girlies!
Mama T: Holy shit. What are you doing in a yogurt shop?
Blue: Why you stop sounding bored
Caitlyn: So a girl can’t get some yogurt? lol
Mama T: How are you, though?
Caitlyn: I’ve been great! I’ve been traveling and being an ambassador for the women of America. Actually, I’m speaking for Donald T-
Mama T: Don’t finish that sentence because I currently like you
Mama T: You should know Leonardo Dicaprio said you look like an alien bug
Caitlyn: That’s not what he says in my direct messages *chuckle*
*Mama T jumps up from the table and grabs Caitlyn by the collar of her dress*
Mama T: Pour the fucking tea in my mouth
Caitlyn: Oh, gosh lol. Yeah, gurrrrrl, it goes down in the DMs
Mama T: We talking di-
Blue: Ma Ma, what goes down in DMs
Mama T:… We talking eggplant pics?
Blue: Eggplants are nasty
Mama T: When they’re pink, yes
Caitlyn: Wouldn’t you like to know. You’d be surprised how many straight famous guys have come on to me.
Caitlyn: I’ll give you a hint for one: He used to play football and he just retired
Mama T: Baby, you… you the one know about football…
Caitlyn: It was Brett Favre
Mama T: THE JEANS QUARTERBACK?
Caitlyn: If any of these guys actually took the time to learn about me, they’d know I still do it all for the nookie.
Caitlyn: Its a Limp Bizkit song. Nookie is vagina.
Mama T: A limp a what? I mean, come on, I don’t get your references
Caitlyn: Don’t worry about it lol
Mama T: Are you seeing any ladies?
Caitlyn: I actually am. She might just be the one.
Mama T: You gonna leave me on a cliffhanger or
Caitlyn: Her name is Macy. She’s a little younger than I am.
Mama T: ooh, Macy, sounds fancy. She an heiress or something?
Caitlyn: No she’s a singer and an actress
Mama T: Is she famous
Caitlyn: Fame is so subjective these days. Is someone fam-
Mama T: You fucking Macy Gray.
Caitlyn: Fuck is such a harsh term. I say make love because no one is just fucking the other, you know?
Mama T: Ima give you a hug and go smoke a blunt. I have some shit to translate to French.
Blue: Ma Ma, what’s a blunt
Mama T: Its brain ointment, baby
*Mama T and Blue Ivy leave the yogurt shop and Beyoncé, Solo and Taraji arrive at Aretha’s house*
Taraji: This house looks… normal
Bey: This is her 8th house of 11. She came in today and is only staying until the weekend
Bey: I’m sorry
Bey: I meant 11.
Taraji: We can fight
*Aretha Franklin comes out of her door with real Leopard pajamas on*
Aretha: If you don’t put those damn animals somewhere so they don’t shit on my grass. Put em in Alfonso Ribeiro backyard.
*Aretha goes back into the house and comes out of the garage two minutes later on an IO Hawk (That’s what they’re called. Not hoverboards. They don’t hover. You sound dumb.) and rolls up to Bey and Solo*
Aretha: Matter fact, I’ll do it. Come on, horsies.
*Bey and Solo jump off of Nightwillow and Carl Thomas just as Aretha takes their reins and leads them down the street to Alfonso’s house*
*Alfonso Ribeiro storms out of his house as the horses start grazing*
Alfonso: Aretha, seriously!?
Aretha: Go to hell! What type of asshead let their St. Bernards run around shitting in everybody yard!?
Alfonso: Get your cabana boy Juventud to clean it up!
Aretha: If Juvie pick up dog shit, he can’t touch what I need him to touch
Alfonso: Wow, make me lose my breakfast why don’t you. . .
Alfonso: If you weren’t an old, highly respected woman, I’d beat your ass!
Aretha: and if you could drive without a car seat, I’d beat yo ass!
Aretha: Don’t touch Beyoncé and Solange horses or I’ma beat ya ass anyway
Alfonso: Wait. Beyoncé? Ca, I-
Aretha: Come to my house and ima shoot your toes off
*Aretha rolls back up the street to Bey, Solo and Taraji*
Aretha: That boy get a white woman and think he Commander House Nigga
*Aretha rolls into the garage and the ladies follow behind*
*Aretha gets off of the IO Hawk and walks into the house*
Aretha: Juvie, make my guests some peach tea
Aretha: Yes, Aretha
*Juventud, an Argentinian man in a denim vest and black chinos, runs to the kitchen*
Bey: He can call you by your first name?
Aretha: He can call me whatever he want baby
Taraji: Yes, Aretha… yes
Aretha: I ain’t ask Beyoncé to come here so y’all can talk about what I do. I’m tryna get this bitch Patti.
Bey: What did she do to you?
Aretha: Well, ya ass wanna be inspiring everybody with music films and all that.
Aretha: Look at this, bi–JUVIE! I KNOW IT DONT TAKE YA ASS TH-
Juvie: I’m here, Aretha, I apologize
Aretha: Turn on the damn chromecat
Juvie: Yes, Aretha
*Juventud puts down a platter with a pitcher of peach tea and four glasses. Juventud then turns on the TV*
*Aretha turns on a video on her phone*
*Her TV shows the front of a cathedral. The camera zooms in to the doors as they fling open and show Patti Labelle*
*Patti begins walking down the steps where we can see her purple gown with the Prince symbol over her heart*
Taraji: Oh wow
Aretha: Can you believe this skank
*Patti reaches the bottom of the steps and a choir of shirtless black men in purple pants flood the cathedral steps*
Patti: *deep breath*
Aretha: Let me fast forward this boolshit
*Aretha x2 skips for like 20 seconds*
Patti: -AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH listen
Patti: They hating on my pies
Patti: Owwwwt here telling lies
Patti: Oooh I’m getting tired
Patti: I said I’m getting tired
Patti: She won’t say that mess to my face
Patti: Tell that hippo get back in the lake
Patti: Ooh I’m getting tired
Patti: Ooooohhhhh , I’m so tired
Aretha: So this guttertrollop calls me every animal in the zoo for 25 minutes
Aretha: The video ends with her beheading a fat man in a wig in a coliseum with some damn armor on
Aretha: Beyoncé, I invited you here because you the only one that might be able to convince me not to snap this bitch neck
Aretha: I’ma kill her in front of her family, Beyoncé
Taraji: She put this out?
Aretha: No, she sent it to me directly
Aretha: She said she gonna send it to Bossiper and Jade Room or some trash if I don’t say her pies good on instabloop
Bey: she’s blackmailing you with a diss video
Aretha: Yup, so ima make a diss album and get her ass first
Bey: You should kill her
Solo: Y’all not gonna kill Patti Labelle! Wow! I can’t believe you!
Taraji: Nah, for real, we just lost Prince, y’all. . .
Aretha: And? Juventud will do it. He took care of that fruit cake Luther for me.
Bey: . . . Like Vandross?
Taraji: You see black women on horses and you like “Taraji, it’s no way they not gonna have fun today. Probably wine. Some men that cook and rub feet. Definitely some weed”
Aretha: I’ma die soon anyway, might as well tell somebody
Solo: I mean, Beyoncé… you–
Bey: They weren’t Luther Vandross
Aretha: He been dead forever. Can we move on?
Taraji: With all due respect
Taraji: Bitch, please explain
Aretha: He was having an affair with Juventud, I made Juventud kill him.
Aretha: are we done now?
*Taraji walks over to Aretha Franklin, kneels down and kisses her hand*
*Beyoncé’s iPhone 13 transforms from a necklace into a phone and begins ringing in mid-air*
Bey: You can’t come out of the
Prince: Yeah, so it’s people playing private eye in Prince’s purple palace and I’m personally pretty peeved about it hahaha
Bey: Where are you?
Prince: in the indoor pool
Prince: It’s still the basement, so no sweat bottle