The Lemons Part 8

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Solo: Lmaooooooo

Solo: but why

Bey: You’ll have to ask her. I use my music to shame men and no one else.

Solo: But you’ll help her?

Bey: I’ll discuss it, at least… She is one of the foremothers, after all.

Solo: But so is Patti

Bey: Well if I have to choose between the two, I’m choosing the one that made Mariah Carey cry

 

*Beyoncé remembers that one time at a Grammy party in 2010*

 

Mariah: So Jermaine Dupri throws the octopus out the window and it lands on Missy Elliott

Mariah: We look outside and she looks up, shrugs her shoulders and starts doing the bankhead bounce lmao

Bey: oh, look, Aretha is coming over!

Mariah: Oh. Great.

Aretha: Beyoncé! Congratulations on song of the year, girl. You tryna come for my throne? I’ll kill you lol

Bey: Hi, Ms. Franklin! How are you?

Aretha: You can call me Aretha, baby.

Aretha: I’m still alive, so none of these bitches birthday wishes working lol

Bey: omg lol

Mariah: Hello, Aretha

Aretha: It’s Ms. Franklin

Mariah: lol we’ve met like a hundred times

Aretha: A hundred too much…

Aretha: I know who you are, Jessica Simpson. I’m telling you to call me Ms. Franklin.

Aretha: And I have to say, I’m kind of offended your servant is black.

Mariah: First, stop confusing me with random white women. Second, this is my husband Nick Cannon-Carey.

Aretha: Nick Cannon? You a porno star?

Nick Cannon: No ma’am. I rap an-

 

*Mariah pinches Nick’s thigh*

 

Mariah: When we’re in public, you are the host of X Factor and that’s it. Okay, boo?

Nick Cannon: But baby that’s Aretha Fr-

Aretha: No, she’s right. I don’t care about your rap songs.

Nick Cannon: But I made Gigolo…

Aretha: Wait, Gigolo? The song with R. Kelly?

Nick Cannon: Yes!

Aretha: Okay, is your ego stroked? Can you get away from me now?

Nick: Yes, ma’am

Mariah: Wait in the car please

Aretha: You need to learn how to control your sex slaves, Mandy Moore

Mariah: I am Mariah. Carey. M-A-R-I

Aretha: dont-give-a-damn

Aretha: You making me talk too much. Can you go get me some water, Avril Lavigne?

 

*Mariah makes a face like somebody came in her mouth without permission and storms off*

 

*Beyoncé and Whitney Houston finally bust out laughing*

 

*Beyoncé stops remembering*

 

Solo: How did you know she started crying?

Beyoncé: Whitney chased after her and recorded it on her phone

Solo: Savage

Taraji: So you bitches didn’t think I wanted to ride horses?

Solo: Wha-

 

*They realize that Taraji is driving next to them in a Tesla Model S*

 

Bey: I don’t like things that can sneak up on me

Taraji: Next time I’ll drive my Lamborghini, then

Taraji: So y’all playing Gang of Roses or some shit

Taraji: Horse shitting all in the street

Bey: We’re going to Aretha Franklin’s

Taraji: I’m coming

Bey: Because

Taraji: Because it’s Aretha Franklin. You an SAT now?

 

*Meanwhile, Mama T and Blue continue their ladies day out*

 

Blue: So Stuffy sang a song about how you should always love your friends and then he gave Lambie a hug.

Mama T: Baby, that’s so nice. I love when you talk about things.

Blue: You sound bored

Caitlyn: Hey, girlies!

Mama T: Holy shit. What are you doing in a yogurt shop?

Blue: Why you stop sounding bored

Caitlyn: So a girl can’t get some yogurt? lol

Mama T:

Mama T: How are you, though?

Caitlyn: I’ve been great! I’ve been traveling and being an ambassador for the women of America. Actually, I’m speaking for Donald T-

Mama T: Don’t finish that sentence because I currently like you

Mama T: You should know Leonardo Dicaprio said you look like an alien bug

Caitlyn: That’s not what he says in my direct messages *chuckle*

 

*Mama T jumps up from the table and grabs Caitlyn by the collar of her dress*

 

Mama T: Pour the fucking tea in my mouth

Caitlyn: Oh, gosh lol. Yeah, gurrrrrl, it goes down in the DMs

Mama T: We talking di-

Blue: Ma Ma, what goes down in DMs

Mama T:… We talking eggplant pics?

Blue: Eggplants are nasty

Mama T: When they’re pink, yes

Caitlyn: Wouldn’t you like to know. You’d be surprised how many straight famous guys have come on to me.

Caitlyn: I’ll give you a hint for one: He used to play football and he just retired

Mama T: Baby, you… you the one know about football…

Caitlyn: It was Brett Favre

Mama T: THE JEANS QUARTERBACK?

Caitlyn: Shhhhhh

Caitlyn: If any of these guys actually took the time to learn about me, they’d know I still do it all for the nookie.

Mama T:

Caitlyn: Its a Limp Bizkit song. Nookie is vagina.

Mama T: A limp a what? I mean, come on, I don’t get your references

Caitlyn: Don’t worry about it lol

Mama T: Are you seeing any ladies?

Caitlyn: I actually am. She might just be the one.

Mama T: You gonna leave me on a cliffhanger or

Caitlyn: Her name is Macy. She’s a little younger than I am.

Mama T: ooh, Macy, sounds fancy. She an heiress or something?

Caitlyn: No she’s a singer and an actress

Mama T: Is she famous

Caitlyn: Fame is so subjective these days. Is someone fam-

Mama T: You fucking Macy Gray.

Caitlyn: Fuck is such a harsh term. I say make love because no one is just fucking the other, you know?

Mama T:

Mama T: Ima give you a hug and go smoke a blunt. I have some shit to translate to French.

Blue: Ma Ma, what’s a blunt

Mama T: Its brain ointment, baby

 

*Mama T and Blue Ivy leave the yogurt shop and Beyoncé, Solo and Taraji arrive at Aretha’s house*

 

Taraji: This house looks… normal

Bey: This is her 8th house of 11. She came in today and is only staying until the weekend

Taraji: 11?

Bey: I’m sorry

Bey: I meant 11.

Taraji: We can fight

 

*Aretha Franklin comes out of her door with real Leopard pajamas on*

 

Aretha: If you don’t put those damn animals somewhere so they don’t shit on my grass. Put em in Alfonso Ribeiro backyard.

 

*Aretha goes back into the house and comes out of the garage two minutes later on an IO Hawk (That’s what they’re called. Not hoverboards. They don’t hover. You sound dumb.) and rolls up to Bey and Solo*

 

Aretha: Matter fact, I’ll do it. Come on, horsies.

 

*Bey and Solo jump off of Nightwillow and Carl Thomas just as Aretha takes their reins and leads them down the street to Alfonso’s house*

 

*Alfonso Ribeiro storms out of his house as the horses start grazing*

 

Alfonso: Aretha, seriously!?

Aretha: Go to hell! What type of asshead let their St. Bernards run around shitting in everybody yard!?

Alfonso: Get your cabana boy Juventud to clean it up!

Aretha: If Juvie pick up dog shit, he can’t touch what I need him to touch

Alfonso: Wow, make me lose my breakfast why don’t you. . .

Alfonso: If you weren’t an old, highly respected woman, I’d beat your ass!

Aretha: and if you could drive without a car seat, I’d beat yo ass!

Aretha: Don’t touch Beyoncé and Solange horses or I’ma beat ya ass anyway

Alfonso: Wait. Beyoncé? Ca, I-

Aretha: Come to my house and ima shoot your toes off

 

*Aretha rolls back up the street to Bey, Solo and Taraji*

 

Aretha: That boy get a white woman and think he Commander House Nigga

 

*Aretha rolls into the garage and the ladies follow behind*

 

*Aretha gets off of the IO Hawk and walks into the house*

 

Aretha: Juvie, make my guests some peach tea

Aretha: Yes, Aretha

 

*Juventud, an Argentinian man in a denim vest and black chinos, runs to the kitchen*

 

Bey: He can call you by your first name?

Aretha: He can call me whatever he want baby

Solo: Oooh

Taraji: Yes, Aretha… yes

Aretha: I ain’t ask Beyoncé to come here so y’all can talk about what I do. I’m tryna get this bitch Patti.

Bey: What did she do to you?

Aretha: Well, ya ass wanna be inspiring everybody with music films and all that.

Aretha: Look at this, bi–JUVIE! I KNOW IT DONT TAKE YA ASS TH-

Juvie: I’m here, Aretha, I apologize

Aretha: Turn on the damn chromecat

Juvie: Yes, Aretha

 

*Juventud puts down a platter with a pitcher of peach tea and four glasses. Juventud then turns on the TV*

 

*Aretha turns on a video on her phone*

 

*Her TV shows the front of a cathedral. The camera zooms in to the doors as they fling open and show Patti Labelle*

 

*Patti begins walking down the steps where we can see her purple gown with the Prince symbol over her heart*

 

Taraji: Oh wow

Aretha: Can you believe this skank

 

*Patti reaches the bottom of the steps and a choir of shirtless black men in purple pants flood the cathedral steps*

 

Patti: *deep breath*

Patti: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

 

Aretha: Let me fast forward this boolshit

 

*Aretha x2 skips for like 20 seconds*

 

Patti: -AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH listen

 

Patti: They hating on my pies

Patti: Owwwwt here telling lies

Patti: Oooh I’m getting tired

Patti: I said I’m getting tired

Patti: She won’t say that mess to my face

Patti: Tell that hippo get back in the lake

Patti: Ooh I’m getting tired

Patti: Ooooohhhhh , I’m so tired

 

Aretha: So this guttertrollop calls me every animal in the zoo for 25 minutes

Aretha: The video ends with her beheading a fat man in a wig in a coliseum with some damn armor on

Aretha: Beyoncé, I invited you here because you the only one that might be able to convince me not to snap this bitch neck

Aretha: I’ma kill her in front of her family, Beyoncé

Taraji: She put this out?

Aretha: No, she sent it to me directly

Aretha: She said she gonna send it to Bossiper and Jade Room or some trash if I don’t say her pies good on instabloop

Bey: she’s blackmailing you with a diss video

Aretha: Yup, so ima make a diss album and get her ass first

Bey: You should kill her

Aretha: Okay

Solo: Y’all not gonna kill Patti Labelle! Wow! I can’t believe you!

Taraji: Nah, for real, we just lost Prince, y’all. . .

Aretha: And? Juventud will do it. He took care of that fruit cake Luther for me.

Bey: . . . Like Vandross?

Taraji: You see black women on horses and you like “Taraji, it’s no way they not gonna have fun today. Probably wine. Some men that cook and rub feet. Definitely some weed”

Solo:

Aretha: I’ma die soon anyway, might as well tell somebody

Bey: I

Solo: I mean, Beyoncé… you–

Bey: They weren’t Luther Vandross

Solo:

Aretha: He been dead forever. Can we move on?

Bey: No?

Aretha: Why?

Taraji: With all due respect

Taraji: Bitch, please explain

Aretha: He was having an affair with Juventud, I made Juventud kill him.

Aretha: are we done now?

 

*Taraji walks over to Aretha Franklin, kneels down and kisses her hand*

 

Aretha: okaaaaay

 

*Beyoncé’s iPhone 13 transforms from a necklace into a phone and begins ringing in mid-air*

 

Bey: You can’t come out of the

Prince: Yeah, so it’s people playing private eye in Prince’s purple palace and I’m personally pretty peeved about it hahaha

Bey: Where are you?

Prince: in the indoor pool

Prince: It’s still the basement, so no sweat bottle

 

WOPBOBALOOBOP

 

Part 9

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8 thoughts on “The Lemons Part 8

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