The Lemons Part 7

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DJ Envy: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the Breakfast Club. It’s me, DJ Envy with Angela Yee, of course

Charlemagne: and Charlemagne the disrespekful

Angela Yee: This morning we have a man who needs no introduction. New York’s favorite son, Jay-Z!

Jay Z: How y’all doing, again lol?

DJ Envy: Fine, fine, Hov. How are you? Working on some new fire for the fans?

Jay: Always. it’s just a matter of wanting to put it out, you know

Angela Yee: Of course. You must have a little prince vault of music.

Jay: I wish lol

DJ Envy: I miss Prince, man

Jay:… yeeeeaaah, me too…

Charlemagne: Alright, enough of these cowards

Charlemagne: So, it looks like I gotta be the bad guy again, so I’ma tell you straight up

Charlemagne: Originally, I was gonna talk to you about how Tidal is so trash that no one would use it if y’all didn’t beg celebrities who are already rich to give you exclusives

Jay: Hey, now, we don’t beg. Tidal is a viable option to stream high-quality music and we care about our artists.

Charlemagne: All of the artists or just the ones who own more than 2 cars?.

Jay: lol you a funny guy. Of course we care about all the artists. We care about all the subscribers. All 5 million.

Charlemagne: Are these paying subscribers or are you counting everyone that signed up ever?

Charlemagne: I’m just curious because I don’t know anybody that uses Tidal

Angela: I use Tidal

Charlemagne: Really, Angela

Charlemagne: What’s the last thing you listened to on Tidal that wasn’t Prince, Beyoncé or Kanye?

Angela Yee: Father John Mis-

Charlemagne: Shut up

Charlemagne: So Prince dying and Becky with the good hair might be the best thing that happened to Tidal this year.

DJ Envy: Wow.

Jay: You can sit on the radio and say what you want, but numbers don’t lie and numbers show Tidal is a success.

Charlemagne: You know numbers lie, Jay. You act like you never worked for a label that bought their artists albums.

Angela Yee: I think Tidal is amazing. I like the way that I can listen to music without having to download it.

Charlemagne: You being such a head ass right now

Charlemagne: How do you feel about Kanye using his album to promote a future imitator, irritate Taylor Swift and nothing else?

Jay: Look, he’s his own artist and I’m not a radio guy, so I’m not here to pass judgment on rappers for rapping.

Jay: Whatever Kanye does with his studio time when I’m not there doesn’t concern me. As long as he’s happy with the finished product

Charlemagne: Is it even finished yet?

Jay: Yes

Charlemagne: What about him using ghostwriters? Word on the street is he got Lil Yachty and Lil Uzi Vert working with him in the studio.

Jay: I don’t even know who that is

 

*flashback flashback flashback*

 

*Jay walks into the studio*

 

Lil Uzi Vert: Oh shit!

Lil Yachty: Wow.

Ye: Jay, what’s up man?

Jay:… Heeeey

Jay:… People?

Kanye: You already met Ian

*Ian Connor smokes a cigarette and looks at instagram, completely ignoring everything*

Kanye: This is Lil Yachty or Lil Boat, I prefer Yachty. This is Lil Uzi Vert. And these are the biracial kids that follow them around and do whatever they do.

Jay: Speak to me outside of the studio real quick.

 

*Kanye and Jay walk outside of the studio and close the door*

 

Jay: So you directing a Lost Boys remake called Fuck Boys or are you seriously collaborating with teenagers?

Ye: These guys are the future though

Jay: Bey played me a Lil Yachty song and it sounded like the beat was trying to avoid him

Ye: Its called an offset flow. If you weren’t out of touch, you would know that.

Jay: I’m out of touch? I own the streaming company they want to put their music on

Ye: Oh, I was wrong; that’s definitely something an in touch person would say.

Jay: Of course it is

Ye:

Ye: Just listen to this shit they helped me write

 

Ye: I been going hard all damn day

Ye: I been going hard all damn night

Ye: They ask me how I’m doing, all damn right

Ye: They ask me how I’m doing, all damn right

 

Jay:… That’s it?

Ye: lol yeah, that shit fire right?

Jay: And both of them helped you write that?

Ye: I came up with the flow and a word that rhymes with night

Jay: So what I’m hearing is: Wiz married your ex-girlfriend and you’re marrying his ex-flow

Ye: You funny

Ye: Okay how about this

 

Ye: Ima show em how to do it

Ye: I’m if Caesar never turned his back on Brutus

Ye: I take a flight to Germany and go stupid

Ye: and my bitch looking like Kali Uchis

Jay: Who?

Ye: Man, you are out of touch

Jay: I miss the old Kanye

Jay: Rhymefest and Consequence Kanye

Jay: Not metrosexual play-thugs with dyed hair Kanye

 

*Jay leaves*

 

Ye: he miss the old Kanye?

Ye: I should make a song about old Kanye

Ye: That would be so Kanye lol

 

*Now the flashback leaves too*

 

Charlemagne: okay, now here’s where we get to the nitty gritty

Charlemagne: How did you like lemonade?

Jay: It was wonderful.

Charlemagne: it was wonderful…

Angela Yee: It was wonderful!

DJ Envy: I thought it was wonderful

Jay: Exactly

Charlemagne: Stop this

Charlemagne: How long did you know this was going down like it was going down? The visuals, the HBO exclusive, the husband bashing

Jay: I always knew. It’s how projects work. As a husband and a businessman, you supp-

 

*flashback flashback flashback*

 

Bey: Baby ?

Jay: Hey, B, what’s up?

Bey: I love you

Jay: Haaaa, I love you too baby.

Bey: I wanted to know if you could listen to something real quick.

Jay: You still working on new music? Damn, baby, you make me feel old

Bey: You are old

Jay: Hahahaha

Bey: Indeed

Bey: I actually wanted you to hear Lemonade

Jay: I already heard lemonade, though

Bey: I actually made some changes

Jay: Its too early to be thinking about a deluxe edition, isn’t it?

Bey: Its the official version. It’s already ready to be released on Tidal.

Jay: What are you saying.

Bey: I’m saying that it’s an entirely new album that everyone will hear because I want them to.

Jay:

Bey: I’d like you to take a seat right over there, please

 

*Jay sits in some fancy ass chair Jeff Koons made him*

 

Jay: Why are you doing this

Bey: You’ll understand why soon

Jay: Bey, I trust you and all but I don’t know why you had to go around me to do this.

Bey: “Playing spades with the cards up, all trust” is what you said, isn’t it?

Jay: But I also said “cards face up, you can believe it f-”

Bey: You’re a happily married nigga now

Jay:

Bey: Did you feel that I had forgotten?

Jay: forgotten what?

 

*Pray You Catch Me starts*

*the flashback ends*

 

Jay: – o at the end of the day, it’s about expression. What type of man doesn’t let their wife express herself?

Angela Yee: So super true

Charlemagne: So your wife just talk about hopping to the next dick and regretting marrying you and you cool wit it

Jay: Well whether or not it’s about me is speculation

Charlemagne: And we still speculating whether “Back to Back” is about Meek Mill.

Charlemagne: Did you have sex with Rachel Roy when she was married to Dame Dash?

DJ Envy: Wow

Jay: No

 

*Flashback to*

*Jay Z fucking Rachel Roy in the Rocawear offices*

*Unflashback*

 

Charlemagne: What about Rita Ora?

 

*Flashback to*

*Rita Ora slobbing Jay’s knob in a bathroom*

*Unflashba-*

 

Jay: Where do you guys get this stuff lol

Charlemagne: Well, you definitely hit Superhead. Everybody hit Superhead.

Jay: My name’s not everybody

 

*Flashback*

*Jay and Memphis Bleek Eiffel Towering Karrine Steffans*

*Done*

 

Charlemagne: This guy Jay over here never had sex with anybody huh

Jay: I haven’t met Annie Body yet. Is she pretty? lol

DJ Envy: lmaooo

Charlemagne: Okay, so we about to go to the commercials. When we come back, we’ll still have Jiggaman here to dodge questions, so stay tuned.

 

*Meanwhile, back at the Carter household, Kanye, Kylie and Kendall make their way over the wall and into the yard*

 

Kylie: We couldn’t have just went through the back gate or something?

Kanye: if I didn’t know where the cameras and sensors were, yes, we would have done that

Kendall: No need to be sarcastic

Kanye: Look, yall talking to much and it’s gonna attrac-

 

*Kanye hears a loud hiss as a komodo dragon crawls from a bush on their 2 o’clock*

 

*Kendall grabs a sizeable piece of meat from her satchel and tosses it to the creature. A second komodo scurries out and begins fighting the first one for the meat chunk*

 

Kanye: We have to move quick. These aren’t the only ones.

Kylie: How many are there?

Kanye: If they’re all healthy… about 30

Kendall: Then let’s move oh my god!

 

*KKK slowly make their way across the greenest lawn you’ve ever seen. Beyoncé actually got the komodo dragons for the fertilizer properties of their shit. The guarding thing is a bonus*

 

Kanye: Okay, we’re gonna shoot the grappling hook at that balcony and we have to make sure it’s exactly –

 

*Like 5 fucking komodo dragons hiss be-*

 

Kanye: Run yo!

 

*KKK run towards the house as 2 more komodo dragons join the other 5 in their chase*

 

*Kylie shoots a grappling hook at the balcony right before Kendall shoots hers. The hooks land approximately 2 feet apart near the left corner of the balcony*

 

*They jump on to their respective hooks and scramble up the rope towards the balcony*

 

Kanye: Shit shit shitshitshishi

 

*Kanye dives for the rope and pulls himself up as 3 komodo dragons bite at his ass*

 

Kanye: Whoo. Haha, Beyoncé funny.

 

*Kanye pulls himself up onto the balcony to see Kendall and Kylie taking selfies*

 

Kanye: We’re on someone’s property unlawfully and you take pictures at the crime scene because

Kylie: Because we’re cute

Kanye: Give me your phones, y’all. This is unacceptable.

 

*After handing the phones to Kanye, KKK walks over to the balcony door and Kendall pulls a lockpick out of her satchel. She easily picks the lock open and places the lockpick back where it was. Kanye slowly peeks his head in and steps into the house*

 

Kendall: That seemed too easy

Kanye: This is the guest room she puts people in when she has them assassinated. It’s the only room with pickable locks lol.

Kylie: lmao

Kylie:

Kylie: Were you serious… Does Beyoncé really kill people?

 

*Kanye walks out of the room and peers over the rail to the foyer*

 

Kanye: Tyler said he crawled out of the basement…

 

*KKK make their way down the steps, through the foyer and to the kitchen*

 

Ye: *sniff* it smells like a Neil Patrick Harris hug

 

*Kanye looks back to see Kylie and Kendall in Jay’s Jeff Koons chair taking a selfie*

 

Kanye: BRO I JUST TOOK YOUR PHONES

Kylie: This is my emergency phone. Are you mad? You sound like Tyga

Kanye: Please don’t ever say that to me again

 

*KKK walk through the kitchen and to a plain looking basement door. Kanye pushes it open to see a stairway of carpeted steps leading down*

 

*KKK make their way into the basement to see a large living room area that leads to an indoor pool that is also bigger than his*

 

Kylie: Ooh, can we swim?

Kanye: You’ve gotta be kidding

Kylie: Just real quick. For a selfie

 

*Kanye ignores her and goes over to a bookcase he never recalled seeing. He runs his fingers across the books until he finds the only purple one.*

 

Kanye: No way it’s this ea-

 

*He pulls the book back and the bookcase splits in half, revealing a door with an airbrushed picture of Vanity on it. He opens the door to see a dimly lit, purple hallway*

 

Kanye: guys

 

*KKK walk down the hallway until they reach a large bank safe like door. The opening mechanism is the Symbol for the artist formerly known as Prince*

 

Kanye:… Scary

 

Kanye:

 

Kanye:… Scary

 

LATER

Part 8

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6 thoughts on “The Lemons Part 7

  1. OMG… I am on the edge of my seat… Lol… I wanted them to get caught by Beyonce… You are truly a talented writer…

    Like

  2. I’m dead asf at all of these installments (and the Drake one was just magic). You’re the most hilarious writer I’ve come across in a long time! Kudos!

    Like

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