The Lemons Part 6

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*Mama T and Blue walk down the boulevard in matching shades. Mama T holding a Starbucks Cup in her right hand and like 3 damn shopping bags in her left. Blue Ivy strides with both hands on her Birkin bag*

 

Blue: Do we have to go to anymore stores, Mama T?

Mama T: If you gonna be a little partypooper, I guess not

 

*Kim Kardashian-West and North West come strolling around the corner wearing matching Yeezy season 4 outfits*

 

Kim: Oh my, Mrs. Lawson! How are you?

Mama T: Oh boy it’s you!

Kim: Hi, Blue! How are you?

Blue: I’m fine. How are you Mrs. Kanye. Kim: lol I’m fine

North: Hi, Blue.

Blue: Hi, North. How are you?

North: My daddy says I’m supposed to always say amazing because I’m amazing and that’s the name of one of his songs.

Blue: My daddy used to make bad songs about girls but he stopped

North: My daddy said my mommy is a bad bitch. that means I’m a bad bitch too.

Blue: Does your mommy smack your daddy upside the head?

North: What does that mean

Mama T: So, uh, how is that whole being the Wayans family of fucking black celebrities thing going

Kim: lol? Fine I guess? Lol?

Mama T: I bet. Kourtney almost made it.

Kim: Totally. Scott is very resilient and rich, though

Mama T: ahhhhdontcarechoo

Mama T: I’m sorry, I’m allergic to interracial relationships.

Mama T: Its genetic

Kim: Wow hahaha

Kim: Is that why Beyoncé was throwing up?

Mama T: No, you just upset her to her core

North: Me and my mommy just modeled for Ballmane

Blue: I’m gonna be a model

North: my mommy says you look too much like your da-

 

*Kim covers North’s mouth*

 

Kim: Kids say the darndest things, right lol

Mama T: Yeah, especially when they mamas scalliwags

*Blue Ivy pulls her tablet out of her Birkin and starts playing with it*

Kim: And how is Bey doing? I heard she may be having some… marital problems

Mama T: Eh, it’s no worse than having a husband that’s obsessed with his ex and tells everyone he’s in debt.

Mama T: How is your brother?

Kim: Less fat and more shameful. We tried to set him up with Serena Williams but I guess her phone is off?

Kim: Do you think Beyoncé could talk to her for us?

Mama T: Ain’t he already engaged to Blac Chyna?

Kim: He’s just trying to make us mad

Mama T: By losing weight? Let that boy enjoy his black woman while y’all enjoy their exes.

 

North: What are you doing?

Blue: Here

*She hands North her tablet*

North: Mommy, who is this on your back?

Kim: what, honey?

*Kim takes the tablet from North to see an old picture of Ray J mounting her*

Kim: OH MY GOD

*Mama T takes the tablet, sees the picture and busts out laughing. Like, fam, she fucking crine*

Kim: I will be letting your uncle Kanye know how impolite you were!

Blue: My mommy always be like “fuck that nig-

Mama T: Its been such a pleasure

*Mama T grabs Blue by the hand and walks away from the situation quickly, tears streaming down her face*

Mama T: Baby, what in the world. Where did you get that?

Blue: I Googled “North West Mom”

Mama T: Oh my gawt

Blue: Am I in trouble

Mama T: Not at all, baby. Mama T bout to buy you whatever you want for 2 hours

Blue: Yaaaaay!

 

*Meanwhile at the Ellen show, Beyoncé sits backstage with her sister, preparing for her entrance and looking completely unbothered*

 

Solo: So what if Jay fails

Bey: He won’t. I tend to keep him in his place, but I wouldn’t marry a total moron.

Bey: Seeing how I affect the world when I sing and dance, I’d hate to handle that azure bangs girl myself and turn her career inside out

Solo: I’ve never seen someone throw so many stones when their glass house is destroyed

Bey: I have

Bey: Keri Hilson was what they called her

Set nigga: Ladies, Mrs. Beyoncé, hey, sorry to bother you, but we’ll be ready for you in 2 minutes

 

Ellen: So when did you realize you could call squirrels by farting

Hilarious, super adorable white child: When I farted near some squirrels and they followed me

Crowd: LMAO

Ellen: oh ho ho ho hee hee hee hee

Ellen: You’re basically a superhero. What would you call yourself if you were a superhero?

HSAWC: SuperTrump. My daddy says that he’s going to save the country, so I want to be like him.

Ellen: Oh, boy. Sounds like someone’s parents are from the same side of the family.

Crowd: LMAOOO

middle-aged Asian lady: Flamed his dumb ass!

*Ellen’s black DJ guy plays Pop Style*

*Ellen gets up and starts doing the Ginobli dance*

Ellen: Alright that’s enough

Ellen: So, our next guest, I had to book about 6 months in advance, one of the most busy and talented and beautiful and smart and gorgeous and surreptitious and glorious women in existence.

Ellen: They say you attract more bees with honey than vinegar, but she’s got the bees going crazy for lemonade, Mrs. Beyoncé Knowles-Carter!

*Beyoncé walks out causing everything to automatically move in slow motion. Some women in the crowd stop breathing because what the fuck*

 

*Beyoncé sits down on the couch*

Bey: Hello Ellen

Ellen: Hello, Beyoncé, how are you?

Bey: I am fine, and how are you?

Ellen: I’m fine, but how are you?

Bey: I’m less fine now

Ellen: hee hee heeeee

Ellen: How’s the daughter, how’s the hubby bubby?

Bey: They are both doing well. My baby is enjoying her childhood and my man is enjoying his manhood

Crowd: *Applause*

old black lady: Awwwwwwwwwwwww

Ellen: Are you enjoying his manhood lol Crowd: Lol

middle-aged white lady: Oooooh

Bey: You could say that lol

Ellen: So when you were writing and working on Lemonade, what inspired you

Bey: Thirst

Ellen: oh ho ho hoooooo hee hee hee heehee

Bey: No, but seriously, I thought about all the things I saw and went through the past year and I just wanted to channel it into an album that would be sonically enjoyable

Ellen: Indeed

Ellen: Now, a lot of people feel like you, uh, went in on your husband lol

Bey: lol I can see that

Ellen: So did you have to hit the stu and let off some steam?

Bey: Definitely. Music is just another form of art and art is expression. I just wanted to be able to pour my feelings out and feel like I have a, like, emotion diary, you know?

Ellen: Yes.

Ellen: So, we have another guest that actually wanted to surprise you

Bey: There’s nothing I love hating more than surprises

Crowd: lol

Bey: I’m serious

Crowd: Ohhhh.

Teenaged middle eastern girl: Ahhh Shit

Ellen: and she said that she’s as much a fan of you as you are of her!

Bey: No person under 10 years older than me can say that

Ellen: Here she is, urban pop super star

Bey: No

Ellen: Ashanti!

Crowd:

Canadian-jamaican woman: Should we be excited

*Ashanti comes from behind the curtains scooting on her ass and snapping her fingers side to side*

Ashanti: Hey, guuuuuurl! Time to have some tea and lemonaaa-

Bey: CUT!

*The cameramen cut the mics and shut the cameras off*

Ellen: Okay, what’s go-

*Solange leaps from backstage, puts Ashanti in a full Nelson and swiftly drags her back stage*

Bey: Where is my backup surprise?

*A bunch of people in boycott Beyoncé shirts run out and hand out boycott Beyoncé shirts and big black wide-brim hats*

Bey: once I take my seat, you may

Bey: *Deep breath*

Bey: continue

Old white dude: We’re really sorry

Bey: It wasn’t your fault

Ellen: That was very rude

Bey: What’s rude is inviting people I’ve exiled from relevance into the same zip codes as me

Ellen: I love you, Beyoncé, I do, you’re lovely, but remember who’s show you’re on

Bey: statements like that are considered threats to people like me. Especially after I just stopped your show.

Bey: I could replace you with Wanda Sykes and you can move to TBS

Bey: Now, let’s continue “your show”

Old gay black dude: Can we be excited yet? I put this hat on and I really wanna cry

Bey: Give me a second to sit down sweetheart lol

*Beyoncé sits down and the cameramen turn everything back on*

*The black DJ guy plays Freakum Dress*

*The crowd erupts into a pool of emotions, waving their merchandise in the air*

Bey: Thank you for having me, Ellen

*Beyoncé gets up and gracefully walks backstage*

Ellen: I didn’t like that. Nope, not one bit, nope.

 

*Beyoncé walks past Solange who catches her stride*

Solo: Soooooooooooooooooo

Bey: Where is she

Solo: There

*Ashanti is under the buffet table with a tranquilizer dart in her neck, bound with an extension cord*

Bey: How did you do the cord like that?

Solo: You know Alan be liking some thangs, feelme *Cardi B face*

Solo: So what  was that out there?

Bey: I would think she was intentionally trying to embarrass me, but no one is that fucking dumb

Bey: Except my dad

Matty: Did someone summon me lol

Solo: Hi, dad. What are y-

Bey: Why am I looking at you right now?

Matty: I came to look for–Ashanti!

*Matty runs to the buffet table and pulls Ashanti’s body from underneath it*

Bey: What is the meaning of this

Bey: What is the MEANING

Matty: I’m her manager and you’re trying to sabo-

Bey: I’m going to–oh my god–dont–lol yo

Matty: One of us is the parent here and I think y-

*Beyoncé goes to soccer kick her father in the face, but Solo blocks the kick with her own leg*

*Beyoncé reaches for her father’s throat but Solo grabs her, lifts her up and pulls her back, carrying her like she’s paralyzed *

Bey: I can’t believe you brought her here today like you didn’t know today was my day to bless these people

Matty: I thought it would be a good look, honeybee!

Bey: I want you to count the days until I take your larynx, father.

 

*Solange carries Beyoncé out of the studio backwards as Beyoncé glares at her father*

 

Matty: If she finds out about the book deal I got Karrine Steffans, I’m dead meat

Ashanti: You’re already dead meat.

*Ashanti caterpillar crawls towards Matthew*

Ashanti: you said she agreed to this.

Matty: Bye

 

*Matthew Knowles runs like 30 yards just to jump out of a window*

*Nigga ran past the door*

 

*Beyoncé mounts Nightwillow and Solange mounts Carl Thomas. They begin galloping away from the studio*

 

Bey: My day is complete. I’m going home.

Solange: Let’s. I’d like to spend more quality time with my sister before your husband gets back and I return home.

Bey: I should really kill Matthew. He won’t go away until I kill him.

Solo: Not our dad, no. We should set him up with a woman to occupy his ti-

Bey: Don’t talk about him like I like his dumb ass that much

 

*Beyoncé’s iPhone 11 floats out of her pocket*

 

Siri: You have a phone call

Bey: Ehhhhhhh

*Bey answers the phone*

Bey: Hello, how are you?

Bey: I’m glorious as always despite some light rain clouds lol

Bey: Yes

Bey: You what

Bey: I’m glad you liked lemonade but I

Bey: Yes, ma’am

Bey: No, I’m not currently busy. Me and my sister are on horses

Bey: Okay

Solange: Who was that

Bey: It was Aretha Franklin

Bey: She wants me to help her make a diss album about Patti

 

AFTER WHILE CROCODILE

Part 7

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11 thoughts on “The Lemons Part 6

  1. As always, this was unadulterated genius. Bey being deferential to Aretha was an inspired touch, because I think we all know that even Bey wouldn’t diss that queen.

    Like

  2. Somebody needs to cut you a check just for taking time out of your day to grace us with this…..this…..beautiful fuckery! Lmao Keep it going!!!

    Like

  3. I have never laughed so much while reading a blog in my life. This has to be the funniest thing I’ve ever read. thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have a gift.
    You make Munich a magical place for me when I read this. Keep it up.

    Liked by 1 person

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