*Mama T and Blue walk down the boulevard in matching shades. Mama T holding a Starbucks Cup in her right hand and like 3 damn shopping bags in her left. Blue Ivy strides with both hands on her Birkin bag*
Blue: Do we have to go to anymore stores, Mama T?
Mama T: If you gonna be a little partypooper, I guess not
*Kim Kardashian-West and North West come strolling around the corner wearing matching Yeezy season 4 outfits*
Kim: Oh my, Mrs. Lawson! How are you?
Mama T: Oh boy it’s you!
Kim: Hi, Blue! How are you?
Blue: I’m fine. How are you Mrs. Kanye. Kim: lol I’m fine
North: Hi, Blue.
Blue: Hi, North. How are you?
North: My daddy says I’m supposed to always say amazing because I’m amazing and that’s the name of one of his songs.
Blue: My daddy used to make bad songs about girls but he stopped
North: My daddy said my mommy is a bad bitch. that means I’m a bad bitch too.
Blue: Does your mommy smack your daddy upside the head?
North: What does that mean
Mama T: So, uh, how is that whole being the Wayans family of fucking black celebrities thing going
Kim: lol? Fine I guess? Lol?
Mama T: I bet. Kourtney almost made it.
Kim: Totally. Scott is very resilient and rich, though
Mama T: ahhhhdontcarechoo
Mama T: I’m sorry, I’m allergic to interracial relationships.
Mama T: Its genetic
Kim: Wow hahaha
Kim: Is that why Beyoncé was throwing up?
Mama T: No, you just upset her to her core
North: Me and my mommy just modeled for Ballmane
Blue: I’m gonna be a model
North: my mommy says you look too much like your da-
*Kim covers North’s mouth*
Kim: Kids say the darndest things, right lol
Mama T: Yeah, especially when they mamas scalliwags
*Blue Ivy pulls her tablet out of her Birkin and starts playing with it*
Kim: And how is Bey doing? I heard she may be having some… marital problems
Mama T: Eh, it’s no worse than having a husband that’s obsessed with his ex and tells everyone he’s in debt.
Mama T: How is your brother?
Kim: Less fat and more shameful. We tried to set him up with Serena Williams but I guess her phone is off?
Kim: Do you think Beyoncé could talk to her for us?
Mama T: Ain’t he already engaged to Blac Chyna?
Kim: He’s just trying to make us mad
Mama T: By losing weight? Let that boy enjoy his black woman while y’all enjoy their exes.
North: What are you doing?
*She hands North her tablet*
North: Mommy, who is this on your back?
Kim: what, honey?
*Kim takes the tablet from North to see an old picture of Ray J mounting her*
Kim: OH MY GOD
*Mama T takes the tablet, sees the picture and busts out laughing. Like, fam, she fucking crine*
Kim: I will be letting your uncle Kanye know how impolite you were!
Blue: My mommy always be like “fuck that nig-
Mama T: Its been such a pleasure
*Mama T grabs Blue by the hand and walks away from the situation quickly, tears streaming down her face*
Mama T: Baby, what in the world. Where did you get that?
Blue: I Googled “North West Mom”
Mama T: Oh my gawt
Blue: Am I in trouble
Mama T: Not at all, baby. Mama T bout to buy you whatever you want for 2 hours
*Meanwhile at the Ellen show, Beyoncé sits backstage with her sister, preparing for her entrance and looking completely unbothered*
Solo: So what if Jay fails
Bey: He won’t. I tend to keep him in his place, but I wouldn’t marry a total moron.
Bey: Seeing how I affect the world when I sing and dance, I’d hate to handle that azure bangs girl myself and turn her career inside out
Solo: I’ve never seen someone throw so many stones when their glass house is destroyed
Bey: I have
Bey: Keri Hilson was what they called her
Set nigga: Ladies, Mrs. Beyoncé, hey, sorry to bother you, but we’ll be ready for you in 2 minutes
Ellen: So when did you realize you could call squirrels by farting
Hilarious, super adorable white child: When I farted near some squirrels and they followed me
Ellen: oh ho ho ho hee hee hee hee
Ellen: You’re basically a superhero. What would you call yourself if you were a superhero?
HSAWC: SuperTrump. My daddy says that he’s going to save the country, so I want to be like him.
Ellen: Oh, boy. Sounds like someone’s parents are from the same side of the family.
middle-aged Asian lady: Flamed his dumb ass!
*Ellen’s black DJ guy plays Pop Style*
*Ellen gets up and starts doing the Ginobli dance*
Ellen: Alright that’s enough
Ellen: So, our next guest, I had to book about 6 months in advance, one of the most busy and talented and beautiful and smart and gorgeous and surreptitious and glorious women in existence.
Ellen: They say you attract more bees with honey than vinegar, but she’s got the bees going crazy for lemonade, Mrs. Beyoncé Knowles-Carter!
*Beyoncé walks out causing everything to automatically move in slow motion. Some women in the crowd stop breathing because what the fuck*
*Beyoncé sits down on the couch*
Bey: Hello Ellen
Ellen: Hello, Beyoncé, how are you?
Bey: I am fine, and how are you?
Ellen: I’m fine, but how are you?
Bey: I’m less fine now
Ellen: hee hee heeeee
Ellen: How’s the daughter, how’s the hubby bubby?
Bey: They are both doing well. My baby is enjoying her childhood and my man is enjoying his manhood
old black lady: Awwwwwwwwwwwww
Ellen: Are you enjoying his manhood lol Crowd: Lol
middle-aged white lady: Oooooh
Bey: You could say that lol
Ellen: So when you were writing and working on Lemonade, what inspired you
Ellen: oh ho ho hoooooo hee hee hee heehee
Bey: No, but seriously, I thought about all the things I saw and went through the past year and I just wanted to channel it into an album that would be sonically enjoyable
Ellen: Now, a lot of people feel like you, uh, went in on your husband lol
Bey: lol I can see that
Ellen: So did you have to hit the stu and let off some steam?
Bey: Definitely. Music is just another form of art and art is expression. I just wanted to be able to pour my feelings out and feel like I have a, like, emotion diary, you know?
Ellen: So, we have another guest that actually wanted to surprise you
Bey: There’s nothing I love hating more than surprises
Bey: I’m serious
Teenaged middle eastern girl: Ahhh Shit
Ellen: and she said that she’s as much a fan of you as you are of her!
Bey: No person under 10 years older than me can say that
Ellen: Here she is, urban pop super star
Canadian-jamaican woman: Should we be excited
*Ashanti comes from behind the curtains scooting on her ass and snapping her fingers side to side*
Ashanti: Hey, guuuuuurl! Time to have some tea and lemonaaa-
*The cameramen cut the mics and shut the cameras off*
Ellen: Okay, what’s go-
*Solange leaps from backstage, puts Ashanti in a full Nelson and swiftly drags her back stage*
Bey: Where is my backup surprise?
*A bunch of people in boycott Beyoncé shirts run out and hand out boycott Beyoncé shirts and big black wide-brim hats*
Bey: once I take my seat, you may
Bey: *Deep breath*
Old white dude: We’re really sorry
Bey: It wasn’t your fault
Ellen: That was very rude
Bey: What’s rude is inviting people I’ve exiled from relevance into the same zip codes as me
Ellen: I love you, Beyoncé, I do, you’re lovely, but remember who’s show you’re on
Bey: statements like that are considered threats to people like me. Especially after I just stopped your show.
Bey: I could replace you with Wanda Sykes and you can move to TBS
Bey: Now, let’s continue “your show”
Old gay black dude: Can we be excited yet? I put this hat on and I really wanna cry
Bey: Give me a second to sit down sweetheart lol
*Beyoncé sits down and the cameramen turn everything back on*
*The black DJ guy plays Freakum Dress*
*The crowd erupts into a pool of emotions, waving their merchandise in the air*
Bey: Thank you for having me, Ellen
*Beyoncé gets up and gracefully walks backstage*
Ellen: I didn’t like that. Nope, not one bit, nope.
*Beyoncé walks past Solange who catches her stride*
Bey: Where is she
*Ashanti is under the buffet table with a tranquilizer dart in her neck, bound with an extension cord*
Bey: How did you do the cord like that?
Solo: You know Alan be liking some thangs, feelme *Cardi B face*
Solo: So what was that out there?
Bey: I would think she was intentionally trying to embarrass me, but no one is that fucking dumb
Bey: Except my dad
Matty: Did someone summon me lol
Solo: Hi, dad. What are y-
Bey: Why am I looking at you right now?
Matty: I came to look for–Ashanti!
*Matty runs to the buffet table and pulls Ashanti’s body from underneath it*
Bey: What is the meaning of this
Bey: What is the MEANING
Matty: I’m her manager and you’re trying to sabo-
Bey: I’m going to–oh my god–dont–lol yo
Matty: One of us is the parent here and I think y-
*Beyoncé goes to soccer kick her father in the face, but Solo blocks the kick with her own leg*
*Beyoncé reaches for her father’s throat but Solo grabs her, lifts her up and pulls her back, carrying her like she’s paralyzed *
Bey: I can’t believe you brought her here today like you didn’t know today was my day to bless these people
Matty: I thought it would be a good look, honeybee!
Bey: I want you to count the days until I take your larynx, father.
*Solange carries Beyoncé out of the studio backwards as Beyoncé glares at her father*
Matty: If she finds out about the book deal I got Karrine Steffans, I’m dead meat
Ashanti: You’re already dead meat.
*Ashanti caterpillar crawls towards Matthew*
Ashanti: you said she agreed to this.
*Matthew Knowles runs like 30 yards just to jump out of a window*
*Nigga ran past the door*
*Beyoncé mounts Nightwillow and Solange mounts Carl Thomas. They begin galloping away from the studio*
Bey: My day is complete. I’m going home.
Solange: Let’s. I’d like to spend more quality time with my sister before your husband gets back and I return home.
Bey: I should really kill Matthew. He won’t go away until I kill him.
Solo: Not our dad, no. We should set him up with a woman to occupy his ti-
Bey: Don’t talk about him like I like his dumb ass that much
*Beyoncé’s iPhone 11 floats out of her pocket*
Siri: You have a phone call
*Bey answers the phone*
Bey: Hello, how are you?
Bey: I’m glorious as always despite some light rain clouds lol
Bey: You what
Bey: I’m glad you liked lemonade but I
Bey: Yes, ma’am
Bey: No, I’m not currently busy. Me and my sister are on horses
Solange: Who was that
Bey: It was Aretha Franklin
Bey: She wants me to help her make a diss album about Patti
AFTER WHILE CROCODILE