So it’s been over a week since I’ve started this blog and it has gone farther than I could’ve possibly imagined. I want to thank everyone for supporting me in this creative endeavor of mine. This is opening doors for me that I used to daydream about opening and all I’ve been doing is writing stuff that seems like it would only be funny in my head.
I’ve been advised by a few people that I should at least add the option to donate, so I added a little tip jar button on the sidebar. If you ever feel compelled to assist me in traveling to New York and/or publishing things that aren’t celebrity fantasies, then by all means, please do.
Enough of me, though.
*Its 2:30 AM on a super private leer jet, Jay Z and Ava take their seats and prepare to travel to New York, the home of what dreams are made of and bright lights can inspire you. Moreso if you rap like you from the south*
Ava: You. Foot rub.
*the attendant walks over and begins rubbing her left foot*
Jay: Is this gonna be my whole flight
*Jay picks up his iPhone 10 and makes a phone call*
Jay: Hello? Is this Nia-
Lil Mama: OH MY GOD JAY WOW HOW ARE YOU
Jay: I’m… fine… uh, how are y-
Lil Mama: God is so good. I got a residency at my local rec center, and people stopped making fun of my work remix. After T Boz and Chili took their kickstarter money and skipped the country, I’ve been making it happen
Lil Mama: There has to be a reason you called. You never talk to me on purpose.
Jay: I need your help finding Azealia Banks
Lil Mama: She’s not hard to find. If there are black women to be hated on or gross white men to gold dig, she’s somewhere around
Jay: This is a secret, okay, but she kidnapped Frank Ocean.
Lil Mama: Gasp, not Frank! He was one of the few people that told me to go for the Left Eye role.
Jay: Well, h-
Lil Mama: It was just two people actually
Jay: Well if you can show me where she might be, you can be handsomely rewarded.
Lil Mama: I want a Beyoncé feature
Lil Mama: A feature from you?
Lil Mama: Can Blue dance in one of my videos?
Jay: No. I can get you a J Cole feature and one Hit Boy beat
Lil Mama: Done. I’m so excited!
Jay: You can’t tell anyone you’re doing this.
Lil Mama: Of course, Jay. I look up to you. You’re like my big bro-.
Jay: See you when we in the city
*Jay hangs up the phone*
Ava: Do you think Lil M
Ava: Mmm, shit.
Ava: You think Lil Mama would wanna be in this Coolie High remake? This wasn’t my idea, but I owe the president of BET a favor because she paid off mmmmmmy Yakuza debt.
Jay: I think she would like that. TLC did her dirty with the kickstarter album.
Ava: Yeah, me and that bitch T Boz were fighting in Paaaaris.
Ava: You know who you rub feet like? Djimon Honsou with them big lion hunter hands.
Jay: You fought Tionne?
Ava: I gave them hoes 1,000 towards that album and then I see her with a pet giraffe with jewelry on. I beat her and the fucking giraffe up.
Jay: you can’t be se-
Ava: I have the video, but I’ma save it so they play it on loop at my funeral.
Ava: I wouldn’t have hit the giraffe if it minded it’s damn business.
Jay: … How long do you have to stay with me
Ava: Until we inside of new york city then I’m planting money seeds, boy
Ava: Thank you, sweetheart
*Ava runs her foot down the attendants face and pats him on the head*
Ava: Welp, I guess you had enough of my ass. You get ready to talk on the radio about why your wife hate you.
*Ava promptly pulls down her sleep mask and falls asleep*
*Jay gazes out of the window of the jet, thinking of the events that led to this moment*
*and is still none of our business*
*meanwhile at the Carter home, Beyoncé awakens in her bed. She stretches and yawns a yawn so beautiful that birds start crying. She jumps out of the bed, magically appears in her outfit for the day and heads downstairs to the kitchen*
Mama T: Good morning, sleepyhead
Bey: Good morning, mother. I forgot you were here. Or that you could cook.
Mama T: Lmao, me, cook. No, it was Prince.
Prince: I made pancakes
*Bey grabs a bottle from under the sink and proceeds to–*
Prince: Wait WAIT, Beyoncé, listen. You were sleep.
Bey: So stay in the damn hidden secret underground house. Are you trying to compromise everything I am?
Prince: First and foremost, you not my mama. Second
*–spray him with the Neil Patrick Harris sweat vigorously. She then opens the bottle and pours it on his head*
Prince: There are much less disgusting ways to say “I’m ungrateful”
Bey: Such as not staying in the basement you begged me to stay in.
Bey: I will chain you down there and schedule your feedings if I have to.
Bey: Stop looking at me like that
Mama T: These pancakes are delicious, Prince
Prince: Is it you are what you eat, or you eat what you are?
*Beyoncé grabs another bottle from under the sink and Prince scampers off to his underground lair*
*Solange comes from the patio with Blue Ivy*
Solo: So… looks like it’s good that I took her to eat outside
*Blue Ivy runs up to the puddle of man sweat and starts to stomp in it. Bey picks her up and puts her in her mom’s lap*
Bey: If he comes out of there again, I’m going to chain him down there. I’m not joking
Blue Ivy: We have a doggy?
Bey: Something like that
Mama T: Don’t you have somewhere to go?
Bey: Yes. Ellen. Will you be joining me, Solo?
Solo: I don’t see why not. I’m still here in the story.
Bey: Excellent. We’ll see you much later mother.
*Beyoncé and Solange go to the stables and mount their stallions, Nightwillow and Carl Thomas, respectively, and take off for the Ellen set on some giddy-up shit*
Mama T: Well, what you wanna do baby?
Blue Ivy: Watch cartoons on hulu
Mama T: you said spend my husband’s money on some fly ass wigs?
Blue: No, Ma Ma. I definitely didn’t say that.
Mama T: Oh. You wanna eat ice cream on the back of a horse and carriage while Ma Ma drinks wine out of a Starbucks cup
Blue: … whatever
Mama T: Woo, girls day out! We about to have so much fun, baby girl . . .
*meanwhile in new york, Jay’s jet lands in a private hangar. Jay and Ava make their way out of the jet and into a rolls Royce.*
Ava: Apparently you can drop me at some studio not too far from where you at. I just wanna get this boy to do this movie so Kanye can perform for free whenever I want for the next 3 years.
Ava: Yeah, that nigga in down bad. He owes David Spade money and he owes Anna Wintour for pretending to tolerate his presence. And for some reason he has to disappear for 3 months with Mark Zuckerberg.
Jay: He doesn’t tell me shit unless it’s about tidal
Ava: You should talk to him then. That nigga is
*takes out an imaginary credit card and pretends to cut an imaginary pile of cocaine*
*takes out an imaginary straw and imaginary snorts imaginary blow*
Jay: Okay. Who doesn’t treat their nose nowadays?
Ava: Not me. The fuck I look like.
Jay: What do you do?
Ava: Don’t play with me, bitch
Ava: Do your googles
Ava: Oh, you mean drugs
Ava: Is weed drugs
Ava: Then that.
Ava: Me, Octavia Spencer and Viola Davis did acid and 140x salvia at the same time once. We ate Octavia cats and conjured a spirit that won’t leave her house.
Ava: Don’t do Salvia.
Jay: lol you should make movies or something
Ava: What, ni-… hahahaha
Ava: you funny. I might’ve been wrong about fucking you.
Ava: Ha! I can be funny, too. I wouldn’t do that, nigga, look at how your face is
Ava: This my stop, I think. Ima holler at you later lol
Ava: Dad body ass nigga lol
*the car drives a few blocks down the street to the Hot 97
Power 105 building. They basically the same station anyway*
*Jay hops out to find Lil Mama eagerly awaiting him*
Lil Mama: Wow you’re really here and I’m like the first person in new york you’re hanging out with!
Lil Mama: Lol
Jay: You can’t come into the breakfast club interview with me
Lil Mama: I wouldn’t want to anyway. Charlemagne is a mean butthole.
Jay: So, I heard
Jay: Do you think you can try to locate Azealia while I’m in there wasting my precious time?
Lil Mama: aye aye lol
*Jays phone rings*
Jay: Its Jay
Ye: Its Ye
Both: Okay lol
Jay: What’s up man, I’m kinda busy
Ye: Nothing much, man, just was hoping I could chop it up with my big bro. I’m planning on making my stage out of white women for my next tour and I wanted to see what country they should be from. What do you think?
Jay: Why the fuck would you do that
Ye: Creativity, nigga lol
Jay: Do you just like having thinkpieces written about you or
Ye: I have to read thinkpieces about me to bust a nut, so yes
Ye: are you Beanie Siegeling me
Jay: Look, I’m in New York about to do an interview, I’ll talk to you later
Ye: Wait, wait you in new york? Where’s B?
Jay: She’s home with the baby, but she has Ellen today.
Ye: Word. I think I left my wallet over there, so I think I might pop by and grab it and shit
Jay: Sure, just warn Bey. You know she hates surprises
Ye: Yeah, me too lol
Jay: No, seriously. Timbaland brought Keri Hilson to the house without warning us once and B treated her like she was invisible the entire time
*flashback because this is funny to me*
*Timbaland and Keri sit down in the kitchen*
Timbaland: Hey, do y’all have any orange juice? Any all natural juice will do.
Bey: Sure, Timothy
Keri: And can I get one too, please? Thank you!
*Bey comes back with one glass of orange juice and puts it directly on Keri’s arm*
*It falls and splashes on Keri*
Jay: *palms face*
Bey: What the? How did that happen
Keri: Oh my god
Jay: *hands Keri a towel*
Bey: I must be a butterfingers
Timbaland: Yeah, you might be a little clumsy today lol
Bey: I’ll get you another one
Timbaland: Thank you
Keri: fucking wow
*Bey brings back a glass of orange juice and walks directly into Keri with it, spilling it all on her shit again*
*Bey turns to Jay like an alarmed meerkat*
Bey: BABY THERE ARE PHANTOMS IN OUR MIDST BABY
Jay: *face palm*
Jay: So yeah, make sure you let her know. I’m about to go do this interview or whatever it’s about to be
Ye: Cool, man. Ima be listening
Jay: Please don’t
Ye: lol okay. I know Lemonade got you fucked up in the game right now but I always got your back.
Ye: Peace out, fam
*Kanye hangs up the phone. He begins to smirk in the driver’s seat of a really nice Benz outside of the Carter house*
Ye: So Beyoncé is on the Ellen set with her sister, Tina took Blue out and Jay is on the other side of the country. Now would be the perfect time to find this ghost of Prince, don’t you think?
*leans next to Kendall and takes a selfie*
Kylie: Now it’s perfect