The Lemons Part 4


If you made it past “we having white bitch for dinner” and all of the recurrences of “nigga” and “bitch”, I dead ass can’t help you if you offended, fam. I’m in too deep, Charlie Murphy.


Bey: You mean the white girl with the ponytail

Jay: That’s Iggy Azalea

Bey: Nigga, who is Bell Hooks, then


Bey: Thank you. Please go check on Ava and let me talk to Tyler.

Bey: Now, seriously this time: Who?

Tyler: She’s this chick that raps but nobody cares because she still says faggot

Bey: Don’t you still say faggot.

Tyler: Well, a lot of my fans are confused teenage dudes that try to grab my dick at shows

Bey: Touché

Bey: How did you find out?

Tyler: Pharrell told me. He said he called Frank in New York and he recognized the ringtone stevie wonder gave him. When he followed the noise, he saw Azealia and she crawled into a sewer drain.

Bey: Wow

Bey: I know that I’m Beyoncé, but still, why bring this to me?

Tyler: Because Azealia has been calling you out on snapchat

Bey: What is that

Tyler: Its… look


*He puts his phone up to Beyoncé’s face where she can see Azealia Banks fucking tripping



*next snapchat*




Bey: Did she say I bleach my skin.




Bey: Turn this off.

Bey: Why is she so mad.

Tyler: Because nobody wants to listen to her Lil Kim house music and she thinks it’s because she looks like a charcoal salamander


*Meanwhile in the kitchen, Ava lays stomach first on the floor drinking tap water through a straw*


Ava: You know all this nigga has downstairs is aloe water? That shit taste like Shemar Moore.

Taraji: that’s not good?

Ava: when you licking it, yeah. Not guzzling it after you squirt for two minutes.

Ava: And thank you for the Rocawear jeans

Ava: Like, “thanks for covering my coochie” thank you, not “I’ma wear these in public” thank you

Jay: I get it

Solo: He don’t even wear Rocawear no more

Jay: I forgot what the logo looks like, honestly

Taraji: Nigga, it’s an R

Jay: You might be thinking of the Ruff Ryders R

Taraji:… Shit

Bey: Some Azalea Bank girl kidnapped Frank Ocean an

Taraji: That stank ass bodega cat!

Solo: that field slave temptress has some nerve

Bey: and she said I bleach my skin

Solo: Whoa

Bey: I don’t know this woman. What is her issue.

Jay: You’re the Queen

Bey: Thank you. the next time I consider striking you, I will take an extra 2 seconds to reconsider.

Jay: 3

Bey: I take it back

Taraji: So we handling that bitch or nah.

Bey: Lol, I’m not. I have to be on Ellen tomorrow morning. You and Jay are.

Taraji: False

Jay: Nah. Tru Life got out and I owe him stuff.

Ava: Can I go? I promised Kanye I’d talk to the Desiigner boy about being in my remake of Coolie High.

Bey: Ye-

Ava: *burp*

Bey: Yes

Jay: Did you hear me?

Bey: No because I don’t give a shit, Shawn.

Bey: You’re going to catch a flight to New York, you’re going to save my precious protégé and you’re going to come back because you are obedient and trustworthy

Jay: Can’t your Beyhive do it?

Bey: I’m not wasting them on some random lil kim knockoff. At least not until Nicki gets out of line…

Taraji: So you wanna use us? Wow bitch I’m famous and offended

Jay: I, too, am famous and offended

Bey: you’ve had a breakfast club interview scheduled so no one wonders why you’re there.

Jay: Breakfast Club? For what?

Bey: “lots of promo” for the visual album where I spiritually castrated you.


Bey: I also know someone that would love to assist you

Jay: Is it Amil? She doesn’t speak to me anymore

Bey: Who

Jay: Nothing

Bey: Call the tiny girl that jumped on the stage with you and Alicia and crossed her arms like Kool Moe Dee

Ava: lmao

Solo: Lil Mama

Bey: Does she still make music?

Solo: She ac-

Bey: Psych, I don’t care at all

Jay: Does that mean I get to stay.

Bey: No. I need a noniggasinmyhousecation.

Bey: And I’m also the only person that our special guest will listen to

Bey: I’m going to sleep before more people drain my energy. If I wake up and you aren’t on your way to New York, you gonna meet my bladed whip, Messy Mya.

Taraji: well, I’m filming a movie that’s uplifting for black girls tomorrow so y’all have fun

Ava: Yas bitch Yas

Solo: I’ll make sure no one interrupts your slumber

Bey: sometimes, it’s like you’re the big sister

Bey: You may laugh

Jay: lol

Tyler: Hey, Jay. Hey, Yvette from baby boy. Hey, Solange. Hey other black lady.

Ava: Nigga, I am Ava Duvernay and you remember that when you want to play an adult in a real movie

Tyler: lol adult

Bey: Would you like to join Jay on a trip to New York to meet Lil Mama and save your friend.

Tyler: what time? I gotta go to the studio and record another song where I call my manager my slave master. Then me and ASAP Rocky have to do a really really gay looking photoshoot for GQ magazine, then I-

Bey: Jay will be going with just Ava by the sound of it, then

Ava: I won’t fuck him

Bey: Jay, help her get to the guest room and come pack your bags. You’ll be leaving around 1 A.M.

Jay: But remember, the important foreign white people I have to see?

Bey: This me giving a fuck about white people


*Beyoncé walks towards the main elevator and presses the up button*


Bey: Good night





*Bey returns to the kitchen and grabs a spray bottle from under the sink. She proceeds to spray Prince fervently.*


Prince: PTEW PTACK Is that sweat from a married homosexual!? PTUCK Beyoncé, Really!?

Bey: Your sister warned me before I took you in. You’re like an unneutered man cat.


Tyler: Nah but is he a ghost though, because if he is, how did you fucking do that?

Tyler: Like, I was just listening to Purple Rain in the car, nigga, and I was like, yo if it’s one nigga I would want to bring back to life, it’s Michael Jackson. Then Whitney Houston. Then Chyna. Then Michael Clarke Du-

Prince: The boy that eats roaches is quite verbal.

Bey: Yes, I find his imagination captivating.

Tyler: Wow, a nigga eat one roach

Tyler: So is him being alive like an illuminati secret

Jay: I already to-

Bey: Yes. We are in the illuminati and we summoned Prince’s ghost to battle Michael Jackson’s ghost in immortal combat

Tyler: Fuck

Bey: Usually  we have to kill non-members bu-

Tyler: Dude, my lips are sealed nigga

Tyler: Ima leave. I hope I wake up tomorrow

Bey: lol me too


Bey: I give you a subterranean mansion and all you give me is grief and rent money

Prince: You know, most women had a more jovial tone when they say that to me

Bey: I’m sure Taylor Swift would love to have you over

Prince: Uhhhhh…


*Flashback to Prince’s last performance  in Pennsylvania. After closing with purple rain and walking off stage, he runs into*


Taylor Swift: Oh my god, Mr. Prince! You’re like my favorite performer ever!

Prince: Yes, just like Fetty Wap, Katy Perry, Kanye, Young Thug, Adam Levine, Chris Martin, Chris Brown, Drake, Future, Alanis Morissette, Tory Lanez, Mumford and Sons, Gotye, The Black Keys, the Alabama Shakes, Esperanza Spalding, Kendrick Lamar, Michael pfft Jackson, Chip Skylark, Britney Spears, Chet Faker, FKA Twigs, Dave Grohl, Jussie Smollett, the women that dress as Disney Princesses at Disney World, Nicki Minaj, Ellie Goulding, should I keep going?

Taylor Swift: I want to play the guitar like you play the guitar, Mr. Prince. We should link

Taylor Swift: lol, I learned that word from metro boomin

Taylor Swift: I have his number, he’s officially in my squad now lol squad goals lol

Prince: I don’t know who that is. Is he a rapping terrorist? Why is the metro booming?

Taylor Swift: Uh oh, you don’t even know Metro Boomin? You know what they say, if young metro don’t trust you, I’m gon shoot you lol

Prince: You not shooting anybody, little girl

Taylor Swift: lol I’m sorry, it was just a joke, Mr. Prince

Prince: as long as my people been out there marching, I don’t joke like that. Now, pardon me, but I have women of legal age to speak to

Taylor Swift: Well, I just wanted to let you know that if some people ever try to really kill you, you can totally hide at my house

Prince:… Hwhat

Taylor: Its just something I say to everyone in my squad lol. It’s like spy stuff! pew pew


*Taylor Swift makes a gun with her hand and points it in Prince’s direction. He briskly moves her hand out of the way and plucks her forehead like a disobedient toddler*


Mr. Prince: I’m not gonna tell you again

Taylor: *Starts crying* oh my god, I’m so sorry. I was just making a spy joke!  I didn’t mean to offend you Mr. Prince. I would never offend anyone, Mr. Prince.

Prince: Can someone find her parents

Taylor: It would be a shame if something happened to you, Mr. Prince. I just want to *sniff* make sure you’re on the right side…

Prince: Im about to be on the right side of a full-figured woman and the left side of another one. Someone give this little girl $10. Go buy a Doc McStuffins toy or something.


*Prince’s flashback ends in a haze of purple smoke*


Bey: I’ve gone out of my way to avoid talking to her, but I’m sure she’d love to hear that you’re alive and letting everygoddamnbody know

Prince: You know that girl is suspicious

Bey: Yeah, she phony as shit, but she wouldn’t hurt a fly. She won’t even admit she hates Kanye and everyone does.

Prince: If I agree to call you when I need to leave the basement villa, will you agree to keep that sinful concoction away from my body?

Bey: As long as you act right, yes. Neil Patrick Harris sweats a lot and doesn’t ask questions, so don’t think I’ll run out.

Bey: I’m going to bed for real this time. Please go to sleep also. You’re still wearing that bloody headwrap.

Prince: *rubs blood spot* Mmmmm, Ava

Bey: Goodnight


*Meanwhile, not too far away because celebrities always live near each other in LA. That’s where it takes place, LA. I’m saying people got movies and shows to film the next day, I hoped you would pick up on that. It’s called context clues*


A.M.B.E.R.: You have a phone call from Tyler Okonma

Kanye: Answer

Tyler: Yeezy what the fuck man

Kanye: What’s going on Tyler? You make any new music for my baby’s new video? Not only are we going to premiere North West’s self-directed Barbie movie at Madison Square, but it’s gonna be live on tidal, too.

Tyler: Nigga how do I get in the illuminati

Kanye: You’re not old enalready told you there’s no such thing as the illuminati

Tyler: That’s what all you illuminati niggas say. At least Beyoncé admitted it.

Kanye: lol what

Tyler: I was just at her house and fucking Prince’s ghost crawled out of the basement and on top of Able Doobleday and then Beyoncé sprayed him with gay nigga sweat

Kanye: Tyler, I thought you didn’t do drugs, fam. . .

Tyler: Nigga I’m serious. Beyoncé said they summoned his ghost to fight Michael Jackson’s ghost and she said she would kill me but she won’t. You better be in the illuminati too nigga I don’t wanna die.

Kanye: Lol you won’t die, man. They might’ve just been testing out a hologram. I tell everybody Beyoncé is the funniest black woman I know for a reason. We all know Prince is dead because the media told us. And what do I always tell you.

Tyler: the cameras and mics give us our life, yeah yeah nigga. This why I don’t come out the house unless I’m performing in Europe.

Kanye: go home and get some sleep, man. I’ll talk to you tomorrow

Tyler: Peace

Kanye: Peace out

Kanye: A.M.B.E.R., end the call

A.M.B.E.R.: call ended


Kanye: Commemorative Prince musk my fucking ass…





9 thoughts on “The Lemons Part 4

  1. Did he say Chip Skylark??? (Fairly Odd Parents) LOL!!! You have me looking forward to these sagas like an addict looking for their next hit…


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