If you made it past “we having white bitch for dinner” and all of the recurrences of “nigga” and “bitch”, I dead ass can’t help you if you offended, fam. I’m in too deep, Charlie Murphy.
Bey: You mean the white girl with the ponytail
Jay: That’s Iggy Azalea
Bey: Nigga, who is Bell Hooks, then
Bey: Thank you. Please go check on Ava and let me talk to Tyler.
Bey: Now, seriously this time: Who?
Tyler: She’s this chick that raps but nobody cares because she still says faggot
Bey: Don’t you still say faggot.
Tyler: Well, a lot of my fans are confused teenage dudes that try to grab my dick at shows
Bey: How did you find out?
Tyler: Pharrell told me. He said he called Frank in New York and he recognized the ringtone stevie wonder gave him. When he followed the noise, he saw Azealia and she crawled into a sewer drain.
Bey: I know that I’m Beyoncé, but still, why bring this to me?
Tyler: Because Azealia has been calling you out on snapchat
Bey: What is that
Tyler: Its… look
*He puts his phone up to Beyoncé’s face where she can see Azealia Banks fucking tripping
Azealia: EVERYBODY TALK ABOUT THIS LALALA-ING FAGGOT FRANK LAKEWATER EVERYDAY AND HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A SINGLE OUT. Y’ALL ALL ON HIS DICK FOR NOTHING. I
Azealia: -YONCE WAS TELLING YOU BITCHES “BOW DOWN” NOW Y’ALL GETTING IN FORMATION FOR HER. YOU FUCKING SHEEP. SHE BLEACHES HER SKIN AND WEAR WHITE LADY WIGS
Bey: Did she say I bleach my skin.
AZEALIA: THAT BITCH IS NOT A QUEEN. HER NIGGA FUCKED ANOTHER BITCH. QUEENS DONT SHARE DICK.
Bey: Turn this off.
Bey: Why is she so mad.
Tyler: Because nobody wants to listen to her Lil Kim house music and she thinks it’s because she looks like a charcoal salamander
*Meanwhile in the kitchen, Ava lays stomach first on the floor drinking tap water through a straw*
Ava: You know all this nigga has downstairs is aloe water? That shit taste like Shemar Moore.
Taraji: that’s not good?
Ava: when you licking it, yeah. Not guzzling it after you squirt for two minutes.
Ava: And thank you for the Rocawear jeans
Ava: Like, “thanks for covering my coochie” thank you, not “I’ma wear these in public” thank you
Jay: I get it
Solo: He don’t even wear Rocawear no more
Jay: I forgot what the logo looks like, honestly
Taraji: Nigga, it’s an R
Jay: You might be thinking of the Ruff Ryders R
Bey: Some Azalea Bank girl kidnapped Frank Ocean an
Taraji: That stank ass bodega cat!
Solo: that field slave temptress has some nerve
Bey: and she said I bleach my skin
Bey: I don’t know this woman. What is her issue.
Jay: You’re the Queen
Bey: Thank you. the next time I consider striking you, I will take an extra 2 seconds to reconsider.
Bey: I take it back
Taraji: So we handling that bitch or nah.
Bey: Lol, I’m not. I have to be on Ellen tomorrow morning. You and Jay are.
Jay: Nah. Tru Life got out and I owe him stuff.
Ava: Can I go? I promised Kanye I’d talk to the Desiigner boy about being in my remake of Coolie High.
Jay: Did you hear me?
Bey: No because I don’t give a shit, Shawn.
Bey: You’re going to catch a flight to New York, you’re going to save my precious protégé and you’re going to come back because you are obedient and trustworthy
Jay: Can’t your Beyhive do it?
Bey: I’m not wasting them on some random lil kim knockoff. At least not until Nicki gets out of line…
Taraji: So you wanna use us? Wow bitch I’m famous and offended
Jay: I, too, am famous and offended
Bey: you’ve had a breakfast club interview scheduled so no one wonders why you’re there.
Jay: Breakfast Club? For what?
Bey: “lots of promo” for the visual album where I spiritually castrated you.
Bey: I also know someone that would love to assist you
Jay: Is it Amil? She doesn’t speak to me anymore
Bey: Call the tiny girl that jumped on the stage with you and Alicia and crossed her arms like Kool Moe Dee
Solo: Lil Mama
Bey: Does she still make music?
Solo: She ac-
Bey: Psych, I don’t care at all
Jay: Does that mean I get to stay.
Bey: No. I need a noniggasinmyhousecation.
Bey: And I’m also the only person that our special guest will listen to
Bey: I’m going to sleep before more people drain my energy. If I wake up and you aren’t on your way to New York, you gonna meet my bladed whip, Messy Mya.
Taraji: well, I’m filming a movie that’s uplifting for black girls tomorrow so y’all have fun
Ava: Yas bitch Yas
Solo: I’ll make sure no one interrupts your slumber
Bey: sometimes, it’s like you’re the big sister
Bey: You may laugh
Tyler: Hey, Jay. Hey, Yvette from baby boy. Hey, Solange. Hey other black lady.
Ava: Nigga, I am Ava Duvernay and you remember that when you want to play an adult in a real movie
Tyler: lol adult
Bey: Would you like to join Jay on a trip to New York to meet Lil Mama and save your friend.
Tyler: what time? I gotta go to the studio and record another song where I call my manager my slave master. Then me and ASAP Rocky have to do a really really gay looking photoshoot for GQ magazine, then I-
Bey: Jay will be going with just Ava by the sound of it, then
Ava: I won’t fuck him
Bey: Jay, help her get to the guest room and come pack your bags. You’ll be leaving around 1 A.M.
Jay: But remember, the important foreign white people I have to see?
Bey: This me giving a fuck about white people
*Beyoncé walks towards the main elevator and presses the up button*
Bey: Good night
Tyler: OH SHIT NIGGA IS THAT PRINCE LMAO
*Bey returns to the kitchen and grabs a spray bottle from under the sink. She proceeds to spray Prince fervently.*
Prince: PTEW PTACK Is that sweat from a married homosexual!? PTUCK Beyoncé, Really!?
Bey: Your sister warned me before I took you in. You’re like an unneutered man cat.
Tyler: SHE SPRAYED THAT NIGGA WITH GAY NIGGA SWEAT LMAO
Tyler: Nah but is he a ghost though, because if he is, how did you fucking do that?
Tyler: Like, I was just listening to Purple Rain in the car, nigga, and I was like, yo if it’s one nigga I would want to bring back to life, it’s Michael Jackson. Then Whitney Houston. Then Chyna. Then Michael Clarke Du-
Prince: The boy that eats roaches is quite verbal.
Bey: Yes, I find his imagination captivating.
Tyler: Wow, a nigga eat one roach
Tyler: So is him being alive like an illuminati secret
Jay: I already to-
Bey: Yes. We are in the illuminati and we summoned Prince’s ghost to battle Michael Jackson’s ghost in immortal combat
Bey: Usually we have to kill non-members bu-
Tyler: Dude, my lips are sealed nigga
Tyler: Ima leave. I hope I wake up tomorrow
Bey: lol me too
Bey: I give you a subterranean mansion and all you give me is grief and rent money
Prince: You know, most women had a more jovial tone when they say that to me
Bey: I’m sure Taylor Swift would love to have you over
*Flashback to Prince’s last performance in Pennsylvania. After closing with purple rain and walking off stage, he runs into*
Taylor Swift: Oh my god, Mr. Prince! You’re like my favorite performer ever!
Prince: Yes, just like Fetty Wap, Katy Perry, Kanye, Young Thug, Adam Levine, Chris Martin, Chris Brown, Drake, Future, Alanis Morissette, Tory Lanez, Mumford and Sons, Gotye, The Black Keys, the Alabama Shakes, Esperanza Spalding, Kendrick Lamar, Michael pfft Jackson, Chip Skylark, Britney Spears, Chet Faker, FKA Twigs, Dave Grohl, Jussie Smollett, the women that dress as Disney Princesses at Disney World, Nicki Minaj, Ellie Goulding, should I keep going?
Taylor Swift: I want to play the guitar like you play the guitar, Mr. Prince. We should link
Taylor Swift: lol, I learned that word from metro boomin
Taylor Swift: I have his number, he’s officially in my squad now lol squad goals lol
Prince: I don’t know who that is. Is he a rapping terrorist? Why is the metro booming?
Taylor Swift: Uh oh, you don’t even know Metro Boomin? You know what they say, if young metro don’t trust you, I’m gon shoot you lol
Prince: You not shooting anybody, little girl
Taylor Swift: lol I’m sorry, it was just a joke, Mr. Prince
Prince: as long as my people been out there marching, I don’t joke like that. Now, pardon me, but I have women of legal age to speak to
Taylor Swift: Well, I just wanted to let you know that if some people ever try to really kill you, you can totally hide at my house
Taylor: Its just something I say to everyone in my squad lol. It’s like spy stuff! pew pew
*Taylor Swift makes a gun with her hand and points it in Prince’s direction. He briskly moves her hand out of the way and plucks her forehead like a disobedient toddler*
Mr. Prince: I’m not gonna tell you again
Taylor: *Starts crying* oh my god, I’m so sorry. I was just making a spy joke! I didn’t mean to offend you Mr. Prince. I would never offend anyone, Mr. Prince.
Prince: Can someone find her parents
Taylor: It would be a shame if something happened to you, Mr. Prince. I just want to *sniff* make sure you’re on the right side…
Prince: Im about to be on the right side of a full-figured woman and the left side of another one. Someone give this little girl $10. Go buy a Doc McStuffins toy or something.
*Prince’s flashback ends in a haze of purple smoke*
Bey: I’ve gone out of my way to avoid talking to her, but I’m sure she’d love to hear that you’re alive and letting everygoddamnbody know
Prince: You know that girl is suspicious
Bey: Yeah, she phony as shit, but she wouldn’t hurt a fly. She won’t even admit she hates Kanye and everyone does.
Prince: If I agree to call you when I need to leave the basement villa, will you agree to keep that sinful concoction away from my body?
Bey: As long as you act right, yes. Neil Patrick Harris sweats a lot and doesn’t ask questions, so don’t think I’ll run out.
Bey: I’m going to bed for real this time. Please go to sleep also. You’re still wearing that bloody headwrap.
Prince: *rubs blood spot* Mmmmm, Ava
*Meanwhile, not too far away because celebrities always live near each other in LA. That’s where it takes place, LA. I’m saying people got movies and shows to film the next day, I hoped you would pick up on that. It’s called context clues*
A.M.B.E.R.: You have a phone call from Tyler Okonma
Tyler: Yeezy what the fuck man
Kanye: What’s going on Tyler? You make any new music for my baby’s new video? Not only are we going to premiere North West’s self-directed Barbie movie at Madison Square, but it’s gonna be live on tidal, too.
Tyler: Nigga how do I get in the illuminati
Kanye: You’re not old enalready told you there’s no such thing as the illuminati
Tyler: That’s what all you illuminati niggas say. At least Beyoncé admitted it.
Kanye: lol what
Tyler: I was just at her house and fucking Prince’s ghost crawled out of the basement and on top of Able Doobleday and then Beyoncé sprayed him with gay nigga sweat
Kanye: Tyler, I thought you didn’t do drugs, fam. . .
Tyler: Nigga I’m serious. Beyoncé said they summoned his ghost to fight Michael Jackson’s ghost and she said she would kill me but she won’t. You better be in the illuminati too nigga I don’t wanna die.
Kanye: Lol you won’t die, man. They might’ve just been testing out a hologram. I tell everybody Beyoncé is the funniest black woman I know for a reason. We all know Prince is dead because the media told us. And what do I always tell you.
Tyler: the cameras and mics give us our life, yeah yeah nigga. This why I don’t come out the house unless I’m performing in Europe.
Kanye: go home and get some sleep, man. I’ll talk to you tomorrow
Kanye: Peace out
Kanye: A.M.B.E.R., end the call
A.M.B.E.R.: call ended
Kanye: Commemorative Prince musk my fucking ass…
AWWWWWWWW SOOKIE SOOKIE NAH